All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s06e08_deliverance

All right, what's the deal, Doc?

This is my third beer, and I haven't
even had a sip.

You know, it's nothing, Jim, really.
It's just with the baby coming, I'm

a little, you know. I'm totally freaking
out. Okay, okay.

Just relax, Doc.

Look, all you need to know is one thing.

The swaddle.

The swaddle. Yeah, as soon as the baby
starts crying, you wrap them up real

tight in their blanket, and everything's
fine.

You know what? I'd show you if I had a
baby and something to wrap them in.

Hey, guys.

Guess who just got back from the white
sale?

With these sheets, I'm going to sleep
like a baby.

All right.

The key is to restrain a little bugger.

Because they're going to fight you.

Stop it. I hate this.

Oh, I feel so safe.

That's amazing. Yeah.

And if they start crying, just stick a
bottle in their mouth.

Okay, hey, my feet just fell asleep,
huh? You gotta get me out of here, Jim.

You're a natural, Doc.

Oh, baby.

What, children?

We're bored.

Well, I am.

very, very, very busy right now.

Hey, kids, when I was your age and I
would get bored, you know what I used to

do?

I'd make my own friends.

Out of felt.

Or I'd take a sock.

Yawn.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll tell you what.
We'll play hide -and -go -seek, all

All right, you guys go hide, and I'll
count to 20.

Thousand.

It's Mr.

Pickles.

Hey, Mr. Pickles, would you like to play
hide -and -seek?

Oh, put a sock in it.

Sock, get it?

Mr. Pickles, you're a scamp.

I'm not being selfish. I'm trying to be
professional. I'm done talking to you

about this. Hi, we came here for an
impartial opinion.

Cheryl, tell Ryan he's an ass. Oh, Ryan,
what did you do?

I agreed to deliver a baby just like I
do every day. In Africa with me days

from having his child.

You're not due for five weeks. I'm going
to be back in two.

Well, Ryan, she is your wife and it is
your first child. Yeah, you wouldn't

be considering this if it wasn't a
celebrity.

A celebrity? Oh, my God, who?

It's Anina Harper.

Anina Harper.

I love her. You know, she sings, she
dances, and she has a line of gluten

pasta.

She also gets $10 million a picture to
take off her shirt.

Hachi machi.

And with all that money, she does a lot
of charity work in Africa.

That's why she wants to have her baby in
Djibouti.

Doc, I think that's physically
impossible.

Djibouti is a country in Africa.

Yeah, sure it is. It's just north of
Djalag.

I don't want him to go there.

Doc, you should know better. Women hate
it when you head towards your booty.

You know, it's a great opportunity for
you, Ryan. It really is. You should pay

attention. I mean, delivering a
celebrity's baby is going to be great

practice. Yeah, but he's going to miss
the birth of his child.

What is the big deal, Dana?

I mean, I miss the birth of my two
children.

Three. Three?

Look, a job came up. It was very
important for me to do it and earn a

That's what men do for their families.
They earn a living.

See, babe, look, your impartial audience
is agreeing with me. Ryan, why don't

you just admit it? Your job is more
important than I am. That's not what I'm

saying. That's exactly what he's saying.
His job is more important than you are.

Jim, if this wasn't about a celebrity,
I'd be really upset with you right now.

Ryan's work is his higher purpose. A
woman should never stand between a man

his higher purpose.

Okay, you know what, Dana?

If you really don't want me to go, just
give me the word.

Yeah, yeah, just let him walk away from
the biggest career opportunity of his

life. Because, you know, Dana,
resentment is the very foundation of a

relationship.

All right, if you're sure that you're
going to be back in time... I'll be

I guess you can go.

Mr. Pickles, who's in charge of
Djibouti?

I think it's a shake.

Shake Djibouti.

third gift basket I've gotten from Anina
in the last two weeks. Oh, I'm getting

really hard to hate her.

Dear Dana, she knows your name.

Thank you for allowing your husband to
join me in Africa. We'll call attention,

blah, blah, blah, orphans, blah, blah,
blah, human suffering.

Oh, my God, she said pasta.

Hey. Hey, where are the kids?

Oh, we're playing hide -and -go -seek
again.

I want to see if they're hiding at the
Cubs game.

Quick, turn on the news. Nina Harper
just had her baby. Oh, my God. All

all right. I guess that makes your booty
about eight pounds heavier.

There's Ryan. Turn it up, turn it up.

I'm happy to report that everything went
according to plan, and mother and child

are doing very well. Hey!

Before I go, I'd like to thank someone
very special for allowing me to make

trip.

I love you.

I really do.

I love you, too, man.

I think he meant me.

Oh, the woman that wanted to squash his
career? I don't think so.

I'm the one who put Mr. Pickles in his
luggage to make him smile.

He meant me.

I'm his wife. It doesn't matter. This is
all happening because of me.

The booming business?

Me. The international attention?

Me. The free pasta?

Me. All me.

Me? We interrupt this program for
breaking news.

Civil war has erupted in Djibouti.

Why are you looking at me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Dana, honey, he's going to be fine.

He's with a celebrity.

Apparently, actress Anina Harper and her
baby were able to escape in a private

plane before the fighting started.

But unfortunately, not all of Ms.
Harper's entourage escaped.

Oh.

However, her medical team was on the
plane. Hey!

But not her obstetrician, Dr. Ryan
Gibson.

Hold on. There's one more piece of news.

A second source now confirms that Dr.
Gibson was definitely not on the plane.

Hey!

Sorry, I lost track.

You guys, we got a video email message
from Ryan. Oh.

Hey, I just want to let you guys know
that everything's fine. We've got

protection, plenty of food and water,
and on Thursdays they've got dung beetle

races. You better be careful. That's an
easy way to lose ten grand.

Don't worry, sweetie. I'm doing fine.

Guys,

guys, guys!

I'll be at home as soon as I can.

And I love you. I love you too, man.

He was talking to me.

Well, the important thing is he's fine
and everything's going to be all right.

No, everything is not going to be all
right.

I am eight and a half months pregnant
and my husband is trapped in a war zone.

Dina, Dina, I know you're very upset
right now. And frankly, this is all my

fault. No, this is all your fault. What?
I told Ryan to follow his higher

purpose and things got screwed up.

And now it's my turn to step up and
follow my higher purpose. Jim, this is

time to go bowling. No?

My higher purpose is taking care of this
family. And that includes you too,

Dana, because you're practically family.

Family, please. I once waited on the
side of the road for two hours for you

you never came.

But you learned how to change a tire.

I gave you a gift.

You know what, Jim?

Serious. Don't promise anything you're
not going to follow through on. Hey,

it. This is crunch time. And when it's
crunch time, I follow through.

Dana, while Ryan is away, I want you to
move in here with us.

What's the catch? You going to sell my
baby?

No catch.

Wow. I'm impressed.

He really doesn't like you.

Cheryl, heroes aren't born. They're
cornered.

Thank you, Jim. I don't know what to
say.

You don't have to say anything.

All you have to do is go home, pack up
your pretty little things, and haul them

over here.

And maybe on the way over, pick up some
dinner for the rest of us.

Hey, Stevie B's has fried chicken now.

That's downtown.

All right, well, then you better hurry
up because it gets very dangerous after

dark.

Hey, Jim. Yeah.

Did you know there are almost 800 ,000
people living in Djibouti?

Hey, look at this.

You know what Djibouti's leading export
is?

Natural gas.

All right, all right, all right. We know
this is tough. We're just trying to

lighten it up a little bit. Well, don't.
It's not funny.

My husband's stuck in Djibouti and he
can't get out.

the baby store? Uh, no, just stick
around here and build a crib for Dana.

go. Why would you want to go to the baby
store?

Hello, plop -thigh toddies.

Andy, they're all pregnant.

My kind of ladies can't get knocked up
because they already are.

Oh.

Hey, thanks for sticking around.

No problem.

No problem at all. Here, let me give you
this.

When you ring that bell when you need
something, and I'll come back in, I'll

give you whatever you need. Thank you.
All right.

Yes?

I just wanted to see if you could hear
it.

I can hear it. Okay.

Building a crib.

I can still hear it.

Actually, I was kind of thirsty. Would
you mind getting me a soda?

Absolutely. I can do that.

Young Dana, absolutely.

Here you go.

You're welcome.

Now, is there anything else I can do for
you while I'm still here?

Nope, I'm good.

What is it? I'm lonely.

Oh.

I'm sad.

Well, you better pick one of them
because I can only deal with one at a

Okay, I'm sad.

My husband's going to miss the birth of
our child.

You know, we don't know that.

You still have three weeks.

All right.

What is it? My water just broke.

You are wrong. Maybe it's just a little
mommy tinkle.

You're not having a baby for three more
weeks. Well, tell that to the baby

because he's coming now.

Help! Help! Help!

Help! Jim!

Call Cheryl!

Cheryl! Cheryl! Cheryl!

On her cell phone!

Her cell phone!

Her cell phone!

I'll call Cheryl on her cell phone!

contraction feels like.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.

Grab that. That might be her.

Hello? Cheryl, you've got to get back
here right away. Dana's having a baby.

I know.

I'm Dana.

She forgot her cell phone?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay, this is bad. This is bad.
This is really bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Jim, I need you to drive me to the
hospital now.

I'm not going to drive you to the
hospital. Yes, Jim, get the keys to your

truck. I'm not going to drive you to the
hospital.

I'll take my truck.

But you've got to sit in the back.

What? I've got new warm mats. I don't
want your baby goo to get all over it.

right, come on.

All

right,

we're here.

Reception's right down the hall. I'll
pick you up in, what, two, three hours?

Jim, obviously you are the last person
in the world I want to be with right

I'm the last person in the world? Yeah.

I would think the last person in the
world would be a baby cannibal.

Would that be a cannibal that eats
babies or a newborn cannibal?

It doesn't matter. They're both higher
on the list than me.

All right, all right, all right, all
right.

Jim, I am in labor. I see that. And you
said anything I needed, you'd be there

for me.

Well, guess what?

No one else is here, and I need you.

Please. Okay.

Fine.

I'll stay.

Thank you. All right.

Can you get me a wheelchair?

Wheelchair? Yeah.

They charge extra for that.

Oh, no, no.

I got a dolly in the back of the truck.

Get out. Come on.

Okay. Move this thing along. You got
about an hour on the meter.

What do I do?

me ice chips and stay north of the Mason
-Dixon line.

Trust me, the last thing I want to do is
see the land of cotton.

Wow!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm Dr.

Patel.

Everything's going to be fine. We'll
take good care of you. Can I just say

all very jealous of your husband.

This trip's going to do amazing things
for his career. Thank you very much.

That's what I've been trying to tell you
the whole time.

Well, your cervix was fully dilated, as
we say in the medical profession.

It's go time.

Okay, go time.

So, time for me to go.

Wait, Jim, but you can't go.

Oh, well, you know what, Dana? I just
realized I got a big job I'm bidding on

tomorrow, and I left the blueprints at
the office, and I gotta go pick them up,

so I gotta go. But, thanks, Jim. I'm
having a baby.

I know that, because you've been yapping
about it for the last nine months.

Now, Dana, this is very important to my
work, and work is my higher purpose.

I thought your husband... Higher purpose
was taking care of your family. I have

several higher purposes, Dana.

I gotta go.

My God.

You're scared.

I am... I am so not scared.

You're shaking worse than I am. I am
not.

Sir, you are shaking.

You keep your mind on her hoo -ha.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

have to work when Cheryl was in labor.
You were just too scared to be there.

I really was really scared.

You're damn right I was scared.

I mean, this whole thing freaks me out.

I mean, there's a person shooting out of
you for crying out loud.

I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I
gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I

go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go.
I gotta go.

Yes, I did.

Wow.

At crunch time, you really do pull
through.

Well, like I said, heroes aren't born.

They're cornered.

Okay, so you're going to stay here as
long as I need you, right?

Well... I'm never leaving this room,
even if I have to sleep here

tonight.

talking to you.

Okay, look, Jim.

If Cheryl did this three times by
herself, you and I can do this once

Thank you, Dana. That really helps.

Okay, what do you need, honey? What can
I do for you?

Oh,

I want my music. I made a CD of soothing
birth songs. I would love to hear the

Carpenters right now.

Carpenters? Yeah.

Oh!

Truck. Yeah. Okay.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time

you are near?

Just like me.

Tanner, as soon as your daddy gets back
from Africa, we're going to have a good

laugh about this.

But not for a very long time.

Can I hold him again?

Oh, Tanner. Oh, Tanner.

I know. Look at you. You are just the
cutest boy.

I'll tell you, I love him already.

Next, just show him pictures of Anina
Harper's baby.

Oh, my God. Take this.

Take him. Take him. Take him.

Hey, sis, I know it's got to be rough
with Ryan being away and all, and I just

want you to know if there's anything you
need, anything at all... I need his

breastfeeding!

Yes?

I'm kind of in the mood for a grilled
cheese sandwich.

And time in a bottle by Jim Croce.

How long is this nonsense going to last?

Oh, you're right.

Let's tell Cheryl the real reason you
missed the birth of your kids.

Swiss or cheddar?

Cheddar. Oh, but first, Tanner needs to
be changed.

Glad to do it. Tanner, your new name is
Jack.

Jim, he needs a new diaper.

Again? Yes. I just changed him
yesterday.

Fine, fine.

Come here, young lad. Oh, look at you.

Okay,

you know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to change you.

And we'll give us some time for some man
talk, huh?

Yeah.

Jack.

All right. First lesson is Uncle Jim is
always right.

Second lesson is there are no other
lessons.

And when you hear that voice, ignore it.

That's what your Uncle Jim does.

Now, sports.

The Cubs, the Bears, the Bulls, the
Blackhawks.

Every eight years, the White Sox.

Oh, and skating.

The only skating you watch is hockey.

Music. The blues.

And there's no such thing as a flute.

Don't yawn. This stuff's important.

Beautiful young boy, Jack.

I'm going to walk you outside.

And we're going to take your diaper off.

In the yard.

Because it really stinks.