Original subtitles

Oh, I hope this is what I think it is.

Cuties Gone Crazy, the movie.

It is, it is what I think it is.

Boobies.

You know what I love about these films?

You always think that that girl is so sweet, she'll never show them.

Then something magical happens, and she does.

Yep. My college buddy Steve sent me this, and he said the hottest chick he's

ever seen is on this thing.

Cutie's Gone Crazy, Spring Break, Florida.

Solid installment.

Best you can do on American soil, anyway.

International waters, that's where the real action is.

Wait, you've seen this one already? I've seen them all. How far in is she? He

said 20 minutes. 20 minutes, huh? Yeah, I haven't seen her.

Don't judge me.

Aren't you even a little curious about what's going on in there?

There's three men in there and the kids are out of the house.

It's either lighting farts or watching porn.

What if Cheryl and Dana come in? Oh, come on, Doc.

It's not the first time Andy and I have enjoyed sophisticated erotica.

We have a system. And go.

I got the lookout. I hit the input button. It goes right to ESPN. If they

in, code word is whirlybird. Repeat whirlybird. Come back.

Whirlybird.

Doc, he said come back.

Whirlybird.

Andy, we are go for boobies.

Don't watch me.

Well, you may not care, but I do. I'm taking a peek.

Nice.

Oh, my God. Cheryl, they're watching Cuties Gone Crazy.

They're watching what?

Okay, you know what? You know what? Calm down. Calm down. There are like 500 of

those. What are the odds that they're watching Fort Lauderdale? Yeah.

So, Amber, how do you like Fort Lauderdale?

I don't want my husband to see me topless.

You know what I mean?

All right. You know what?

They obviously haven't seen us yet.

So you are going to follow my lead.

We'll get through this together.

Okay. Okay.

DeMarco, how old are you?

Eighteen.

Damn, girl.

What the hell are you watching? Willie Bird! Willie Bird!

We're watching some ESPN, baby.

Come on, you know how much I love men's figure skating.

Oh, what the hell? What am I trying to hide anything for? We're watching drunk

girls take their tops off.

You know what? No, no, no. Off.

Turn this off. Come on. Sit down and watch it. Oh, my God.

I'm having my baby.

What? What?

Eventually. And I don't want our unborn child to see this filth. Turn it off.

Oh, no. Let these girls pump up the tires. You can still ride the bike.

your top in a Cuties Gone Crazy video?

Yeah. I told you about that.

Didn't I?

No, Dana, you didn't. You said you could roller skate and bake.

But Drunken Bar Flasher never came up.

All right, all right, all right. Doc, Doc, easy.

Easy. Easy.

Like Dana on spring break.

We paused it before we saw boobs, so no one has to go to hell or anything.

Come on, Ryan. It was years ago. We all do stupid things.

I mean, what were you doing right out of school?

I was in Africa, working with Doctors Without Borders vaccinating orphans.

Oh, well, so if they had parents, you wouldn't vaccinate them?

That's kind of messed up. All I did was lift my shirt up.

Come on, Ryan. This happened before you even knew her.

You're just going to have to get over it. Get over it? Yeah.

If Cheryl had done this, you wouldn't get over it. You'd go ballistic.

Ballistic? Not Jim.

And besides, it wasn't Cheryl. It was Dana.

Just Dana.

Right.

So, Doc, lighten up a little bit.

Look, her big secret is out now.

The best we can do is watch it and make fun of her. No!

We should eat. Let's all go in the kitchen. Oh, I'm hungry. No, no, no, no,

You know what, Cheryl?

They already know I'm on it, so why don't we all just sit down and watch the

whole thing?

You know what? What the hell? This is going to haunt me forever if we don't

it, so let's see it.

Hey, we the man up, Ryan.

Love that. I'm proud of you.

I'm going to keep my eyes closed. Tell me when the next hottie comes up.

Come on, Annie.

How bad can it be?

my sisters?

Sorry, Pop. This must be like getting hit by that bus all over again.

You tell me you flash yourself into a bar room full of people?

Dana did it first. I felt a lot of peer pressure. Pressure? Sarah, pressure?

Pressure? You're on film now. You're on video. The whole world's gonna see it.

Easy, Jim.

You're just gonna have to get over it.

Don't go throwing... my words back at me. If I wanted my advice, I'd listen to

myself when I talked.

I thought it wasn't that big a deal.

Well, it's not that big of a deal.

I mean, come on, we're all young, right?

We all make stupid mistakes when we're young. I mean, I know I did. I mean, I

did a really stupid thing in college. I actually shaved my initials into a

Shetland pony.

Come on, I like that my girl had a wild time when she was young. She had a

little wild streak. Don't see it anymore.

Why don't we just watch it and have some fun? Then let me leave first.

All right?

I'm done with smut. I'm going to go home and get rid of my entire porn

collection.

It's no fun when you think of girls as people with lives and families.

Thanks a lot, skanks.

movie fest.

Hey, and who's this lovely lady?

Oh, I'm Cheryl. Hey, I wanted to say hi to my kids.

Hey, girls.

All right, girl.

We said hi to you girls. How about we say hi to yours?

My girls? Yeah.

Oh, what the hell?

Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat that out.

We're fine. Let's see the girls.

Okie dokie.

Give me a second.

Girls, your wedding ring is on.

You did this when you were married to me?

thinking that this girl is so sweet, she's not going to show them.

And then something horrible happens and she does.

You know what? Just turn it off. The steaks are ready.

Cheryl, I think you'll be able to tell how mad I am when I say I can't eat

right now.

Time ago.

Remember when Dana and I went to Florida to visit my mother?

Oh, my God. Your mother's in this tape?

No.

She watched the girls and Dana and I went out. You know, I had two kids. I

totally overwhelmed.

I need to go out and blow off some steam.

You didn't blow off steam. You blew off your shirt.

Cheryl Mabel.

James Orenthal.

Who else has seen our boobs?

Our boobs?

Yeah. You know, Jim, I'm pretty sure they're my boobs. You know, I mean, I

thought at least I'd have half of them. I mean, I know it wasn't written in the

wedding vows, but I thought I had exclusive viewing rights.

Get off your high horse.

You drop your pants and make a fool out of yourself all the time.

It's true, but nobody wants to see me naked.

punishing those people.

Come on, how can you not feel bad about this? I mean, what were you thinking?

Aren't you at least a bit sorry?

No, I'm not.

What? The only thing I'm sorry about is what I spent the money they gave me on.

They gave you money?

Yeah. And stupidly, I spent it on that chair for you.

Back chair.

What the

hell?

Cheryl?

Cheryl!

Hey, honey!

Cheryl! What's going on here? Where's all our stuff?

I put it on the lawn with the chair.

Why'd you do that?

Well, you know how that chair reminded you of the one allegedly stupid thing I

did? Well, I decided to throw out all the things that remind me of all the

stupid stuff you've done.

Turns out, you've done a lot of stupid stuff.

What? What's the front line?

Cheryl!

The piano?

What is the piano doing out there?

Well, the only reason we have the piano is because you convinced my aunt it was

broken.

The piano outside.

Anger strength.

You're angry? Yes.

What are you angry about?

I'm not the okie -dokie girl.

No, you're the jerk.

Wait a minute, Cheryl.

You cannot be mad at me for the way I'm being mad at you.

Oh, now you get to decide how I can be mad at the way you're mad?

Yes.

If I heard you correctly.

How did you even get this stuff out of this house?

I know you didn't do it. If Andy helped you, I'm going to kill him.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't blame Andy.

You brought this on yourself.

Oh, so this is the way it's going to be, huh?

Yeah, until you get your head out of your butt.

That's not going to happen, Blondie.

I happen to like the view.

You know what? I don't need any of this stuff anyway.

So, this is the way it's going to be, huh?

Well, it's going to be this way until you grow up and say you're sorry.

Well, I am sorry.

That you think that's ever going to happen.

Don't judge me.

Something's different.

Did you change your hair?

Your sister's the one that's overreacting for a change.

Oh, yeah, and you're being so level -headed.

What? Come on, tell me.

Ryan, did he get over you being in the video?

Actually, yeah, he did.

Because I told him that I made a mistake, and I was really, really sorry

had to find out the way he did.

Right there, that's it.

That's an apology. That's all I need.

An apology and maybe a slightly bigger TV.

Why can't she apologize?

Why can't she just say, I'm sorry?

Look, why don't you try looking at this from Cheryl's point of view?

Okie dokie.

I'm listening.

The truth is...

after she did it.

That's why she took the money she made and she spent it on that chair for you.

Okay. Can you look at it from my point of view?

Do I have to stick my head up your butt?

My point of view.

Really simple.

She was the one that did something wrong.

So no matter how I react, she's the one that has to apologize.

If I admit that you're right, will you give me a deal on that swordfish out

there?

Take it. I stole it from the church.

I called your deaf aunt and apologized.

It's okay.

You apologized to a deaf person on the phone?

Yes. That's why I talked to her very slowly.

Besides, an apology is not about the person getting it.

It's about the person making it.

Very subtle, Jim.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very tired. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Go ahead, sleep.

If you can, with that guilty conscience of yours.

I don't have a guilty conscience.

You're going to jump down my throat.

Because you're screwed up, honey.

Okay.

Yes, it is the point.

Trust me.

I've been down that road many times.

Yeah. I've been down the screw -up expressway so many times they've even

rest stop after me.

This is your first trip down that road.

You want to be mad at me so you don't have to be mad at yourself.

I am not mad at myself.

Cheryl, nobody, and I mean nobody loves your boobs more than me.

So why didn't you just show me the tape?

Nine years have gone by. What, were you waiting for the director's cut?

I should never have done it.

I should never have done what I did in that bar.

I mean, I... I wasn't thinking about you or our relationship or our family. I

just... Oh, honey.

I feel like a total idiot.

I am so, so sorry.

Don't beat yourself up. It's no biggie.

Very funny.

But it is a biggie.

It's a pair of biggies.

What do you say we go upstairs and have some makeup

sex?

We don't have a bed.

You know about the bed?

The manager of the nursing home called.

Well?

We can do it outside in a bit.

Jim, I'm not that kind of girl.

I'll give you a free t -shirt.

Okie dokie.