Original subtitles

I'm programming all your numbers into it.

Oh, baby.

Good morning, my young love. Your breadwinner is here, up, ready to go.

needs is his multivitamin.

Ooh, Wilma, sweet.

Well, I do like my Wilma's.

No, you're going to Channel 6. That is so cool.

Yeah, no, it's cool, but we're just bidding on a remodeling job, so... Oh,

know what?

You know what? You might see Jillian from the morning show. Okay, okay, okay.

you see her, tell her I love what she's done with her eyebrows.

Has someone been into the breakfast line again this morning?

I know. I'm sorry. It's just that I have been up since 6.

Dana's baby shower is this Saturday, and I've just got so much planning to do.

Saturday is going to be so much fun.

What's going on Saturday?

Jim. What?

Dana's baby shower.

It's co -ed, and you are my co -host.

One second.

about this for months. Everybody's looking forward to it. Look at all these

shower games.

You know what? I showed you a fun shower game. You didn't want to do it.

There is no good reason for a man to go to a baby shower.

And there's one great reason for him not to go.

Which is?

It's a baby shower.

That's ridiculous.

Cheryl, you don't want me to go honest. I do.

Cheryl, as soon as you see me pin a binky on the baby, I'll stop being your

husband and I'll become your girlfriend. Good.

No, Cheryl, it's not good. Wives don't sleep with their girlfriends.

Theory number six. No, no, no. You know what? I don't want to hear any of your

crackpot theories.

Crackpot? How about genius pot?

Cheryl, I have a cohesive 19 -point program for men to become the men they

always wanted to be.

Make up your mind.

Later this morning on Windy City Sunrise, we're going to be talking about

bears.

Specifically, which one has the cutest butt in their uniform?

My pick?

Hunter Hill.

are you giving dana for a baby shower my testicles because if i'm there they're

not well i'm going and i'm taking mine that shower is going to be full of

desperate single friends which means that i'm on the express train to naked

That's going to stain, and I've got to be on camera.

All right, I need Jim.

Jim, that's me.

We're ready for your interview. We're ready to go.

We just need Jim.

Oh. Well, I can do it.

Yeah, you can, and maybe I can, too.

Gotcha.

You're Tanya Mountain.

You're the weather girl.

I gotta tell you, I love your work, Miss Mountains. I watch you every day. I

don't take my umbrella out unless Tanya tells me to.

It's so nice to meet a fan. I can't tell you how many creeps just want to get

with the weather girl.

I think there's a high -pressure front moving behind my zipper.

This is where they film the news.

Yeah, and Maggie the Clown does her show over there.

No kidding!

Wow!

This concludes our tour.

Hi, Jim.

Jillian! Jillian! It's so nice to meet you. Oh, my wife wanted me to tell you

that she, uh, she loves your new sideburns.

I think she probably meant my eyebrows.

Pretty sure it was sideburns.

Jim and Andy from Ground Up Design.

They're ready for you. Oh, um, actually, someone already... Excuse me, I was in

the restroom.

Has anyone been looking for Jim Morning?

Welcome back. I'm here with Jim Morning.

Morning.

Oh. My.

God.

Jim is a Harvard -educated sociologist who is currently teaching at the Fashion

Institute of Technology.

Your fascinating new book, Beyond Metrosexuality, The New Man Today.

What does Jim know? Co -ed baby showers are so much fun.

Oh, no. We know Jim in his theory.

Thank God I'm the only one who has to listen to him.

Jim's on TV.

I read your book.

Jim.

Jim. Jim, right here.

You have your book?

Oh, I loved it. Very provocative. No, I didn't, uh... You have a number of

theories about men and women. You know, I came here for...

Oh, actually, I do have

some theories.

Well, all of Chicago's listening.

Then I have some theories for you, Chicago.

So I told her, there's no way I'm going to a baby shower.

There is no good reason for a man to be at a baby shower.

And there's one great reason for a man not to be there.

What's the great reason?

It's a baby shower.

See?

Oh, thank you. What a lovely camera crew you have. Thank you.

Jim, I gotta say, you don't really seem like much of a metrosexual. No, I'm not

a metrosexual.

Please, please, look. I don't pluck, I don't moisturize, and the only thing I

wax is my car.

I don't know. I'm a man who stands for being a man. I'm more of a... I'm a

flannel sexual.

But in your book... I didn't write a book.

Come on, even if I did write a book, I certainly wouldn't take a picture of

myself and put it on the front with my cats.

Great. You know, we're going to be taking a little break right now. No, no,

no, baby. Hold on, sweets.

You got me going here. You got me going.

Which one's my camera?

Here?

You know, I have a cohesive 19 -point program to teach men how to... All

now, Colin, I need you guys to focus. We need to figure out what color we want

for Dana's baby shower.

Nothing bright...

on the Internet.

It's going to be awfully hard to beat that kitten that looks like Hitler.

I don't know.

I may have another chance at it because Channel 6 wants me to do another spot on

their morning show.

They're putting you on TV again?

Yes. On purpose?

As a relationship expert, ask the plantosexual.

Kids, Mommy's... going to need her breakfast wine.

You know what, Cheryl? I just think Chicago needs a cohesive 19 -point

to show men how to become the men they always wanted to be.

There is no 19 -point program.

It's just a bunch of crap you make up when you want to get out of something.

Crap.

I change lives.

Cheryl, I threw out my hair gel, my Milufa, and I'm 90 % sure I've had my

Brazilian.

I'm not an expert.

Your son knows what periwinkle is.

There he is.

You and I gotta talk. Oh, yeah, it's talking time. Go, Ryan. I'm going.

You ruined my baby shower.

What? What? Every guy who was invited to the shower called to say he isn't

coming because this jackass said it wasn't manly.

Jackass? How about genius ass?

But now only women are coming.

I don't get to celebrate the impending birth of my child with any of my guy

friends. Well, you're going to thank me for that later. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm

going to thank you now. Me and my unborn baby are going to kick your ass.

Wait! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

A ladies -only shower because of Jim?

Oh, this... This sucks!

That's right. I said it. And you know why? Because it does.

It suckity -suck -suck -sucks!

Okay. Cheryl, let's just... Calm down, okay? We're going to make this the best

ladies -only shower ever.

We'll go in the kitchen and we'll have some tea.

Tea sucks!

Brian, I guess you should just go ahead and make plans for Saturday.

You can thank Jim.

I will thank Jim.

I gave him the hugs over tap.

Want me to get him off you?

No, I think he needs to... It's all right.

It's all right. You don't have to go to the baby shop. I don't want to go.

I know. Just let it out. I just got so scared.

Thank you very much.

Hello, Jillian.

Ready to change some lives, partner?

Your 15 minutes are almost up, nutcase.

Nutcase or crackpot?

Welcome back, Chicago.

I'm here with Jim, the flannel sexual, and he's here to settle the war between

men and women. Oh, please, there is no war.

Wars can be won.

Let's take our first caller, Jeff in Naperville. You're on with Jim. Yeah,

this is Jeff. Hi, Jeff.

Um, I like watching football on Sunday, but my wife keeps bugging me to go on a

hike.

Where?

Outside?

Hey, hey, Jeffrey, flannel up, will ya? You have to define and set the terms of

your relationship.

And if she crosses over that line with her big toe, why, you take a hammer and

you bang it!

And you hit her toe, and you hit it hard.

Okay, our legal department points out that Jim is speaking metaphorically.

Next call.

Hi, I'm Meryl.

Hi, Meryl.

Hi, Julian.

I've got to tell you, I love what you've done with your eyebrows.

Thank you very much, Meryl. You know, you are on right now with the flannel

sexual.

Oh, uh, I'm upset with my husband, Tim.

Let me guess, Meryl.

He's probably right all the time and it's got you down?

Um, actually, he's refusing to come to the co -ed baby shower I'm throwing for

my sister Dana. Dana Jo.

Sounds like Tim is standing up for himself as a man. He should probably

more sex with him. Next call.

No, you see, the problem...

He's convinced all the other men not to come to the shower.

Suddenly, they think it's not manly.

That's because it isn't manly.

But you wouldn't know about that because you're a woman. Next caller. Only I

touch the phone.

Because it's not manly? I know, I know. I don't get it either, Jillian.

You know, Tim says, you women are trying to turn men into women.

First of all, Tim doesn't talk like that. Oh.

How do you know?

Because no man talks like this.

Now, let me tell you something about Tim. He has a right to define the terms

his manliness. No pun intended.

I didn't hear a pun in there. I said no pun intended.

Let me tell you something about Tim.

He doesn't even like Dana, Joe.

And he doesn't think much of her husband, Brian, either.

Brian? Yeah, I think he means Brian.

He's got to stop at this baby shop, because if he doesn't, what's next?

Shopping for fabrics? Going to weddings of second cousins that he doesn't even

know? So now you're punishing me for things I haven't even done?

Absolutely!

the sixth game of the World Series.

What's happening here? You know what? You brought a TV and you complained the

whole time.

Thai food.

Like, oh, boy, I wish I knew how to cook Thai food. Oh, oh, you're doing it.

You're doing it. You're talking like a hoot.

That's not true. That's it. No, no, I'm out of here. I'm out of here. Where are

you going?

I'm going to go fight with my fife.

How dare you call my TV show and...

What's that smell?

Thai food. Get used to it.

That's it.

That's it.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a hammer. Take off that shoe.

I thought that was a metaphor.

It was.

Until you put your big foot over the line.

Here. This will do.

Come on. Take off that shoe.

Life together is like a circus.

The kids are the wild animals.

Parties like this are the trapeze acts. I am the ringmaster, and you, Jim, are

the big wooden pole that holds up the tent.

Wait a minute, that's my circus tent theory.

Yes, it is, and I need your support.

You know, you're the one who's always saying, if he wants a happy life, a man

needs a happy wife.

I'm not going to be happy unless you go to that shower.

This suckity -suck -suck -suck. Okay, okay.

Honey.

Honey.

My only sister is having her first baby.

Our first niece.

Or nephew.

Look, the point is, it's really important to me that you be at that

All right, I'll go to the baby shower.

You win, okay?

Thank you.

That's why you're my great big pole.

Oh, honey, don't feel bad.

I mean, it's like you say.

You know, never argue with a woman. They know all the words.

Don't talk like that. I do not talk like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,

Blondie. Wait a minute.

You know what? You just quoted three of my so -called crackpot theories.

Look who's a closet flannel sexual.

Okay.

Occasionally, the crackpot makes a point.

Occasionally, huh?

Well, I'll take that as a win.

Fine.

But I'm still going to ignore the ones about the space program and which

countries we don't need.

Still a win.

But you're coming to the shower, right? Yeah, I'll come to the shower.

Because point number ten, always be a gracious winner to the wife.

Especially if you know you're going to get a little lucky later.

That's my Tim.

Oh, okay.

Jim, I'm giving you the hugs over Pat.

Oh, honey, this is not a hug.