Original subtitles

It's not going to work.

It's definitely going to work. It won't. I'm telling you. I saw it on TV. It

works. Only in cartoons.

No. I saw real people do it.

Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, the Three Stooges.

Here he comes.

Hey, gang.

The Andy man is in the hizzy.

Hey, there's cake in the kitchen. On my way.

Cake!

You're right, it works. I told you.

Is there milk in there, too?

Oh.

Mommy, Gracie's choking.

No.

Sweetie, she's fine. She's tricking Kyle.

So I'm not invisible?

You said that.

Mommy, my tummy hurts. Can I stay home today?

Really, honey? Didn't your tummy hurt yesterday?

He's faking.

All right. Why don't you go get your stuff ready for school?

Come here, my sweet baby boy. I bet I can make you feel better.

Come on. Oh, there's that better.

Who's mommy's little mousy?

That's right.

Where's mommy's little kitty cat?

It just went from a mouse to a kitty to a butterfly.

Jim, we're hugging. There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with

What are we raising here, a man or a mouse?

Jim,

did it ever occur to you that maybe if your mother had hugged you more, you

wouldn't have turned out this way?

My mother hugged me plenty, especially when she was being dragged to the cop

car.

Come on, is that making your tummy feel better?

Tummy. He had a tummy ache yesterday.

What's going on?

You got a problem at school?

Invisible. Uh -huh.

What's going on, Kyle?

It's Mike Murphy.

A third grader keeps punching me. Oh, my little baby boy. Unhand that boy. What?

Go. Go get your stuff ready for school. Go on.

Can you see?

What? Can you see how your affection and unhugging is twisting that little man?

Little man?

He's sick.

Cheryl, he's getting punched.

Why? Because Mike Murphy doesn't see a little man. He sees a little squeaky

mouse kitty.

Fine, fine. I'll call his teacher.

She can help him and this other little boy practice their conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution?

Oh, that's fantastic.

And then we can invite the bully over for some tea and cookies that you and

baked while you were hugging him and he was giving you butterfly kisses.

He is a really good baker. That's it.

That's it. I'm taking him. Taking him where?

I am claiming him.

You've had the boy for six years, and it's a complete fiasco.

What? Cheryl, you guys fighting? Yeah. No.

No need to start over. Just continue where you are. Let's get it on.

No, no. No, no.

No, there's no fight here. No fight here, baby, because I am invoking a

powers clause of the Fatherhood Act.

I was led to believe that special powers didn't kick in until puberty. I know

mine did.

There is an exception to the rule.

If there is an act of aggression on an internationally recognized playground, I

invoke.

Revoked? You can't revoke. I just invoke. I got a witness, see?

No, no, no, no, no. I just need some cream.

Jim, if Kyle is having a problem with a bully, he needs to use... His words.

Cheryl. That's the school's rule, and it's our rule. Cheryl, words don't sting

like a good punch in the nose.

Au contraire.

My bruises have long healed, but lard ass rings in my ears to this very day.

I was nothing but nice to those boys.

All right, kids, come on, come on, let's go.

We don't want to be late.

Jim, I'm serious. Do not teach my sweet baby boy how to fight.

Cheryl, you know what? I would take this into consideration, but right now,

we're under the Special Powers Act, and my hands are tied. Oh, Jim!

No! Leave the boy to me!

You can have him!

Kyle. Kyle. Kyle. Kyle. Come here.

Hey.

Show me your best punch.

Woman, what have you...

That's not a punch.

That's a high five.

Give me a little bit of a punch.

That's very good. Do it again.

Okay, that is very good.

Now, if Mike Murphy punches you, I want you to punch him back.

Okay? All right?

So remember, if he punches you... I punch back.

That's very good. If he punches you... I punch back. That's it. If he punches

you... I punch back. That's it. Come on. Oh, boy. Nothing like a hug to heal the

pain. That wife of yours, Jim, is a saint. Oh!

Kyle, that was really good form.

But if you're going to do a nut punch, you've got to say sneak attack.

Okay.

Come here. Come here.

Which one's...

Mike. Over there with the yellow bike. Cool, be cool, be cool.

He's a big one.

And I told you to worry about it because you're a tough one.

Now, if he hits you, remember... I punch back.

Man, boy, you're so strong with a good punch.

All right, son.

Mom!

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Hey, Kyle.

Did I just see you punch Mike?

Punch? That wasn't a punch. That wasn't a punch at all. That was a plain tag.

Mike, you're it.

Okay.

Great.

Okay.

That was a punch.

Oh,

my God. You should see the crib we just got. It is darling.

Oh, there's a family of bears dancing with ducks. And right in the center is a

guy with a truck who doesn't give a crap.

Good one, man. Like, we even care about stuff like that.

I told you it was adorable.

All right, honey, we'll see you at home.

Hey, will you help me pick out a rug?

Oh, is Earl Grey a delight on a rainy day?

Earl Grey. beer, right? Because I'm all dude.

Daddy, how long am I suspended for?

A week.

Does suspended mean I have to live in a drawer?

When your mommy's here, yes, that's exactly what it means.

Here's lunch.

Morning, Jim.

Don't morning beep in me, Andy. Get your beep and beep up those stairs and get

to beeping work. Andy, what the beep are you doing?

Just finish the model, will you?

Whee!

Whee!

Are you going to hide him here all week? I have no choice.

I invoke the Special Powers Act. If she finds out he's suspended, she can

declare a state of emergency and take the boy back.

You guys are nuts.

What?

I said, I like big butts.

But I said it under my breath because of the boy. Come on, Jim. You and I like

to get salty sometimes.

I said, I can't do it, all right?

I mean, I ripped the boy from his mother's bosom.

See? Right there.

Before, you said boobs, ta -tas, juggedy -jugs, balloons, bazongas. You know,

the adult stuff.

Can I top you off, Uncle?

I guess I could use a warm -up.

This is exactly what I'm talking about now.

Stop playing waitress.

Refill Daddy's cup and then it's the last time.

Jim, why doesn't he just tell the principal that Mike Murphy hit him

No, Andy, no.

I'm not going to raise my boy to be a snitch.

I've got to teach him that a man handles his own problems in this world.

Every time you have a problem, you don't go crying and running to the teacher or

the principal.

Actually, you know what? There's no crying at all for men.

You cry after the Cubs games all the time.

That's a little different.

That's more like manly sorrow.

What he's saying, Kyle, is you can't cry over stupid stuff, like sad movies.

What about the movie where the Bears player dies?

Brian's son?

Son, that's not a movie. That's... It's a portrait of a true American hero is

what that is.

I love Brian Piccolo.

And I want you to love him, too.

Oh, God, Jim, here they come.

You see, son, it's like this. A man has got to be brave.

A man has got to be fearless. Here comes Cheryl!

Hide! Hide from your mommy! Not that door! Not that door! Over here! Over

Come here!

Come here! Come here!

The mother -to -be has to drink every three and a half

minutes. Can I have a bottle of water or something?

Sure, I'll have our water suit bring you a bottle of our finest 2000 Lake

Michigan.

Actually, the sprinklers start up in about five minutes, or is that not good

enough for you, Princess?

Princess? What's your problem, lard -ass?

I'm nothing but nice to you!

Pick out your own damn rug!

You know what? I promised Dana I'd give her the old curtains from the girls'

room, and that box is perfect.

Can I take that?

This box? Yeah.

Sure. Why not? I mean, it's a fantastic box. I know.

You know what? It's probably our finest box in the whole office.

I'll bring it home for you.

Oh, honey, that's silly. I'm going there now. I can carry it. Of course you can

carry it. Why couldn't you carry it? It's not that big of a box.

I mean, Annie, can you see any reason why she couldn't take this box home with

her right now?

I don't see a problem.

Can you think a little harder?

I love you.

I love you so much.

What's going on? What?

Are you guys looking at that internet porn?

Yes, Cheryl, that's it.

You caught us. Listen, you know what? It's a little embarrassing because

Andy had some questions.

So I thought maybe if I showed him some porn, he would understand the answers. I

told you, they have all sorts of pamphlets for that at church. I know,

is so clinical and technical. I thought Andy could use the romance of the porn.

That is ridiculous. Can I just take that box so I can go home?

This box? Yes.

Why didn't you say so?

You guys are nuts.

Like Murphy.

You still want to hide?

Haven't you learned anything?

Uncle Andy likes internet corn.

Well, in the old days, Uncle Andy used to hide his corn under his mattress.

Hey, Lou, how are you? Good, Jim, how you doing? Good, good to see you.

If anybody asks... We're here to pick up your books.

Have you seen Mike?

Wait. Oh, yes. Target acquired.

Where? You see him? No. Miss Crawford.

Give me five minutes alone with her and I'll square this thing.

What? I just have to seduce her.

Clap your hands like I'm really busting a move.

Andy, for God's sakes, there's children around here.

Girls like a guy who can dance. I'm going in. Shh.

Here's your lesson for today, all right?

Don't turn out like Uncle Andy.

Hey, Mikey.

What's going on, man?

My name's Murph.

Is that so, Mikey?

So you don't like it when I call you Mikey?

Does it make you mad, Mikey?

No, it's just not my name.

Who are you?

I'm Kyle's dad.

And it seems like you and I have a problem.

Because he's taking a rap for something you started.

Kind of sounds like Kyle's problem.

I don't think so, because right now, I am your problem.

And that's the kind of problem you don't want to have.

The kind of problem that gets really bad.

I'm going to walk home now. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Mikey, Mikey,

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.

Listen, I'll give you one chance to come clean with the principal.

Or it's going to get really ugly.

Just spit a little on it.

Kyle, why can't you just talk to this kid and make up with him? You're going

learn something from him.

All he does is punch me. That's because you keep calling timeout during

dodgeball. I don't care what... There are no timeouts during dodgeball.

Mommy says R.

If I say pretty, please.

It's his mother.

You know how women are.

Say no more.

Look, Murph...

You seem like a tough kid, and you know what?

Tough guys, they don't let someone else take the rap or something they started.

Tough guys own up to it and take the punishment.

Why don't you just tell the principal I hit you first?

Because men don't snitch. Right, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Come on, come on, huh?

You're feeling what I'm putting out.

These hips, they don't lie.

Okay, okay. I gotta admit, you do have some great moves.

So, um, what are you doing tonight?

All right, you know what? I don't need your pity.

Jim. Yeah.

You're not going to believe it. What's that? Mike Murphy confessed.

Kyle's suspension has been lifted. Yes!

I knew it. I knew it. You know, that Murph is a good kid. I know. He really

Say, Jim.

I got suspended from school.

I am this close to declaring a state of emergency.

And you know what happened then? You got a problem, and I'm that problem. And

that's not the kind of problem you want to have.

Cheryl, there is no emergency.

I got the suspension lifted by using words, Cheryl.

Your precious little words.

I saw conflict, and I resolutioned it.

Are you happy?

spend it, Jim.

There's Kyle and that kid who smokes.

Oh, that was Murph.

Yeah, he's a good guy. He's on the gum now.

I specifically asked you not to do this.

Cheryl, a man has to teach a boy how to defend himself.

Jim, I don't want my kid punching his way through life like some drunken

I told you, it was one sip of beer and he didn't even like it.

When did he have beer?

I've got to write this stuff down.

Sure. Please.

You've got to trust me here a little bit. No, come on.

You've got to trust the fact that God gave a boy a father to teach him how to

a man.

But Chip, he's not a man. He's a baby.

No, he's a first grader. He's not a baby. He is. He's my last...

Oh, Cheryl, I get it.

No, you don't.

When Kyle grows up, you won't have a baby to fuss over anymore, then you

know what to do with yourself.

Crap.

You do get it.

I hate when you get it.

I mean, Cheryl, you got to look at it this way. I mean, Dana's going to have a

little baby soon.

Yeah.

I guess I can hug that baby.

Yeah. And seriously, what's the over -under on Gracie getting pregnant? 17?

And you'll always have me.

I mean, I can sometimes kind of be a bit of a baby.

Sometimes?

Kinda?

A bit?

My mother never hugged me.

And that's why we're together, you know.

Because you love giving hugs and I'm so huggable.

That's true.

You do know I'm still going to hug Kyle.

Good.

You should hug him. Good.

Just don't hug him like a baby. Hug him like a boy.

And I'll give him to you sometimes.

I mean, God gave a boy a mother for some reason.

Guess what?

I got a date with Miss Crawford.

What do I do?

Well, Annie, let's go in the garage. I got some corn in there for you.