Original subtitles

They're playing that stupid video game again.

Hey, girls, come on. I told you this game is going to turn your mind to mush.

Outside. You should be outside.

Oh, man, I was next.

Come on, go. Go climb a tree, play in a puddle, put poo on a stick and chase

each other.

Enjoy your youth. You'll be dead soon.

Yeah.

Come on, go have fun.

You're going down this time. Bring it on, Flashdance.

Remember the money I was supposed to spend on the insurance policy?

I bought this instead.

A grind your own sausage machine?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check it out. We got all beef, all pork, and this baby.

We got five different animals in here.

We call it Noah's Ark.

Yeah, well, it's got to wait because we're making sausage history here. Some

kangaroo, please.

We're all out, but I got some fish sticks. Oh, bring it. Guys, seriously,

is life -changing news here. Yeah. Okay, ready?

We are... We're

pregnant, you chimp. What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, honey.

Congratulations.

That's terrific, honey.

You knocked up my sister. Way to go.

Oh.

Congratulations, Doc. You took care of business. I didn't know you had it in

you.

I'm proud of you.

Tim, I'm the one carrying the baby. His part lasted a minute and a half. What?

Honey, honey, hey, come on. Wow, Doc, minute and a half. Setting the bar kind

high for the rest of us, huh?

Okay, honey, you have to tell me everything. Are you nauseous? Are your

sore? Are you constipated? Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.

Other room, please. You're going to make the sausage sick.

Did you tell Mom yet? Oh, no, I was going to call her from here.

Okay, can I tell her?

No. Come on, you're married. Mom's all I got.

Are you crazy? It's my baby.

Yeah, good point.

I'll, uh... Take the phone and call her!

It's the Indy's turn now!

Doug, you know what? I gotta tell you, I was all prepared to hate Dina's husband

because I hate her so much, but you turned out to be okay.

I really appreciate that, Jim.

Especially the kind words about my pregnant wife.

a wedgie. It's pretty funny.

Honey, I'm totally having a gummy craving. Did you bring them? Oh, yeah,

yeah. Right here, babe. Oh, great. Thank you so... Oh, no, these aren't the

right ones. No, sure they are. They're the ones you loved this morning. No,

these gummies are different. So can you go get the good gummies? Oh.

Like now?

Thank you.

Love you.

I love you both.

So...

Longest nine months of your life.

What are we talking about? I love that we're pregnant. You know what?

That's your first mistake.

We're not pregnant.

She's pregnant. You work for her.

The pay sucks.

Your boss is nuts. And if you try to quit, the state comes after you.

I don't know, Jim. I mean, Dana's been great.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, just wait. It's going to get really bad. See, you've got to

when a woman is pregnant, they're...

Hormones are racing through them. They got all this stuff going on inside them

that you just can't understand.

Jim, I'm a fertility doctor.

Yeah. That means you weren't good enough to be a real doctor, right?

All right, all right. I'm just saying you haven't lived with a pregnant woman.

And let me tell you, it is hell.

I mean, they get crazy, they get jealous, they get whimpery, and then

really insane.

I don't know. I mean, Dana's a pretty sensible girl. Yeah, yeah. So is Lizzie

Borden.

I'm telling you, when she was pregnant, I would tell a joke, and she would just

break down into tears right in front of me and call me insensitive.

No offense, Jim, but I am a little funnier than you. Yeah.

Can you open a beer bottle with your butt?

Don't worry about it. I'm going to be there for you.

Okay, question. Yeah. Do I want you there? Yep.

You're going to need me there. She's going to run you ragged. And don't fight

back. Never engage a pregnant woman.

Never. Never engage with her. You should never fight with them for the whole

nine months and then 40 days after.

But on day 41... I mean, you can if you want.

But what's the comeback to I got a life inside of me?

Honey, have you left yet for our gummies?

Oh, not yet, babe.

Ain't no special chocolate. Nope.

I think I got it right. Fourth time is the charm.

Okay. Did you use a spoonful of the dark chocolate, a pinch of the malted, and a

smidge of extra calcium?

Spoonful, pinch, smidge.

Enjoy.

Yeah.

Closer.

Still not right.

Why don't you go downstairs and take a whack at making a special chocolate

Because I've been up and down the stairs four times, babe. Oh, honey, I'm so

sorry I've made you go up and down all those stairs.

That's probably it. Yeah, thanks. So that our unborn child could have the

nutrition he, she needs in order to live.

He, she?

What, are you having a transvestite?

special on cable about a hermaphrodite baby. It was called Who Loved Terry? And

he, she had no friends.

He, she had each other.

Do you have any idea what my body is going through right now?

Why doesn't anybody remember that I'm a fertility doctor?

Yeah, okay, babe, yeah. All right? Your hormones are obviously raging. Oh, okay.

So, Mr. Big...

The fertility doctor's going to tell me about my hormones. I happen to have aced

hormones in medical school. Oh, yeah? Well, I have a life inside of me.

You know what? I'll be back. I've got to go talk to somebody.

Who are you going to talk to? That nurse that you have a crush on with the

intimidating eyebrows?

No. Jim.

Man, was he right.

Jim? Jim was right about what?

Jim and I were talking.

Pregnant women and how they're not like normal humans.

Are you saying that I'm not human?

Who's that calling? Is that your skank?

No, it's the hospital, all right? There's a woman in labor. I have to

baby.

That's insane. Then why are you leaving?

Because I have this job that no one seems to remember where I deliver

Well, I'm not going to be here when you get back.

Look,

babe, listen, I really, really have to go. But hey, you know what?

There's gummy bears in the drawer if you want them.

Cinnamon flavor?

They don't make...

Billy said he loved a patient's baby more than yours?

Yes. Word for word.

And then he said I didn't deserve chocolate milk because I'm a fat...

better not to engage in this.

I'm going to move in with Andy C. in a couple months.

Men have no idea what it's like.

No, they couldn't handle being pregnant for five minutes. What was that?

What was that?

They're not tough enough.

Yeah, that's right. I said it.

Are you telling me that Clint Eastwood isn't tough enough?

That General Patton couldn't have a baby?

I'm telling you right now, Dick Butkus could have a baby at halftime. Go out.

and a second half kick -ass Wiley breast fat.

Men are tough enough. Who's crazy?

Come on, Cheryl, please.

Pregnancy isn't that hard.

Are you kidding me?

Okay, what about labor? Labor. Yes! Seriously, do you get paid for it?

We should.

Well, yeah, I wish I had that job. I'd like to be pregnant. I'd like to stay

home all day and play with my big boo.

pregnancy wars already, all right? I did three tours of duty. You're not sending

me out on another tour.

All right.

Well, then you better talk some sense into Ryan or get used to the air raid

siren. What air raid siren?

Honey, I think you're starting to show.

All right, all right, all right, all right. I get it, I get it, I get it.

I'll talk to Ryan.

Hey, Dana.

What? Stretch marks.

Excuse me, I need to... I need to see Dr. Gibson immediately.

He's delivering a baby right now.

Great, just show me the delivery room and toss me one of those masks.

You have very intimidating eyebrows.

I suggest you take a seat.

I'm doing it.

Okay, I... I had them lower the thermostat, honey. It'll get cooler

the smell, it's still awful. I need you to change the smell in here.

Well, there's only one way I can change the smell, and you've never liked that

one before.

It was so insensitive.

It was. It really was, and I am sorry.

The doctor will see you now. Oh, okay.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I can't complain.

Summer's almost here. The cubs are on a roll.

I got a life inside of me.

You have got to do something about the smell in here.

Downtown looked really good. Yeah? Yeah.

How's the breast tenderness? Oh, still tender, yeah.

Yeah. And, you know, Cheryl can't keep her hands off my mouth.

Where is Cheryl? You know, I thought for sure she'd be here this time. Oh,

please, I don't need Cheryl to hold my hand.

Just put the kid up on a TV screen. I got to get back to work.

I got to lay down a foundation today.

Ooh, that's cool.

Can we watch my lunch digest?

I just had a burrito. I bet there'll be fireworks in there.

Wow, everything looks really good, Jim.

You want to know the sex?

I can tell by looking at the screen. Like father, like son.

Oh, my God, I'm going to have a boy.

Oh, you just hold tight there, little fella.

You're going to be out soon, and I'll be holding you, and I'll take you to your

first ballgame.

Come on.

I can't believe I'm blubbering like this.

I'm acting like a chick.

That's pretty weird.

Like a woman could handle this.

Please.

Look, I want to tell you something. Every pregnant guy goes through this.

Right? That's your hormones.

Jim, you're doing great. I am doing great!

I am.

I am.

I really am, aren't I?

I am doing a great job.

I'm working really hard.

Your baby's fine, by the way.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it. Dana came by.

Your son doesn't want to hear it.

We're having a boy.

I'm having a boy. You're having a three -bean salad.

I'll be in the garage rehearsing with the band.

Oh, Jim.

Honey, I got you those chips you've been craving, huh? Salt and vinegar?

I don't like salt and vinegar chips.

I don't like salt and vinegar chips. You must be thinking about somebody else.

You must be thinking about that stock boy at the market, the handsome one.

What's his name?

Julio.

Hey, Jim.

What?

Varicose veins.

All right,

guys, listen up.

All right.

What song do you want to play?

Please. I just got Apple asleep, okay?

If she doesn't have her nap, she's a terror.

Andy, we got band practice here. We're going to be playing music. It's going to

get loud in here.

Well, then can we play Wheels on the Bus go round and round?

I love that song.

Let's do it. All right. Whoa, hold on, fellas.

I got to go take a leak.

Junior's playing soccer with my bladder.

All right, well, see you.

Charlie, will you rub my back? It's killing me. Your sciatica? No, just my

Will you rub my back while he's rubbing your back?

a wife to rub your back. Oh, Cheryl, please. She didn't even come for the

sonogram today.

What? Oh, typical.

Women, they're there when you're mixing the batter. But where are they when

you're baking the cake? Yeah. All right, fellas, let's rock this. Oh, damn.

I got to go again.

Oh.

You know what? Forget Cheryl. You know what?

Forget the women.

We don't need the women. We're men. We're strong enough. We can do it

Of course. I don't know, fellas. Man, life's been hell since my baby's mama

off.

Now it's just Apple and me against the world.

Oh, boy, here come the waterworks.

Oh, you hungry, sweetie? Okay, Daddy's going to fill you right up, all right?

Come here. Oh, easy.

Oh, man, my man -maries are killing me.

Have you seen anything more beautiful in your life?

Oh, gee, Andy, do you have to do that in here?

park my car in here.

What are these?

These? Oh, these are my new paternity clothes.

You like them?

The other ones wouldn't fit.

Oh, I love that silk panel.

Uh -huh.

What?

What's wrong now?

Well, nothing, Jim. It's just, you're buying all these clothes you're only

to wear for a month.

Cheryl, I want to look nice. Is that a crime?

Jim, I mean, come on.

Where's paternity jersey?

Adorable.

Seriously, when are you ever going to wear this again?

Well, what if it takes some time to get my baby weight off?

Jim, how long is that going to take?

Cheryl,

that is so insensitive of you.

I've got a life going on in here, all right? I've got a miracle going on in

belly. I know, honey, it's a miracle.

A miracle that has literally happened to every person that's ever lived.

It's quite an exclusive club.

How could you knock it off?

Cheryl, I wish you could be pregnant for just five minutes, and then you would

see what it's like. Oh, my God.

My water broke.

What? I'm in labor.

I want an epidural.

My water broke.

I'm in labor.

I want an epidural, Cheryl. I want an epidural.

Hey, Jim.

Jim, are you all right?

What? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

But, Ryan, you're not.

No, no, no, Ryan, you've got to go back to my house, and you've got to take care

of the mother of your child, damn it.

And you, you, sir, you have got to fix the smell in this room for her.

And no more stupid jokes.

You said it was funny.

Yeah, that was funny.

From now on, the pregnant woman is always right.

And that includes me.

Come on, let's get back to the house.

All right, here we are.

I've got 50 different kinds of gummy bears and every kind of chocolate that

make. Jim, what's all this?

This is the nutrition that our baby needs.

Hey, hey, Ronnie, come on, get in here. Let's go.

really sorry, Dana.

Oh, that's not how I told you to do it. Do it differently. Do you love your

baby? Yeah. Why don't you just do it?

I'm sorry, Dana.

I have a bell around my neck, and I want you to ring it whenever you need

anything. And your husband, the fertility doctor, will come running

And? And?

And I also found out that Nurse Eyebrows is a lesbian.

Please come home.

Oh, of course I'll come home.

Ah, look at that. Will you, young love?

Warms the cockles of my heart.

Who are you?

And where were you when I was pregnant?

You know, I could ask you the same question.

It's Dana's time now.

That's it, precious.

You eat it up. Daddy's got plenty.

Andy, what the hell? What is that? My sweet little baby.

What? Everybody, say hi to Apple.

I named her Apple because that's what I'm going to jam in her mouth when I

her.

Fatten up little pretty.