Original subtitles

Andy,

what the hell was that?

What?

You just spit on my floor.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

I thought I was at home.

You mean you spit on the floor at home?

Sure, everybody does.

You know, when they're all alone.

Nobody spits on the floor!

Get out of here! What's wrong with you? Get out of my house right now!

Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize I was at the Ritz.

I'm sorry, honey. I thought it was at Andy's house.

Oh, baby.

Mm -mm -mm. This looks good.

Oh, you kids are doing such a great job on that tree.

Grandma is going to love it.

Really? Why did Mom start liking things that suck?

Look, I can't put my Mike Dickey bubble head up there. You can't put your

SpongeBob on it. No.

You know, Arnie, you know that Grandma's special angel always goes on top.

Grandma gave this to me and Daddy on our wedding day.

And I got a two -hour lecture about putting my husband first.

Yes, wise words from a wise woman, Cheryl.

I'm about to get four days of Mom's wisdom about every single thing I do. Is

that why you doubled up the booze in eggnog?

And when Mom gets here, I bump it up to triple.

Now I wait.

When's Grandma gonna be here?

Oh, honey, she'll be here any minute.

Uncle Ryan and Aunt Dana went to pick her up at the airport.

Don't you usually pick her up every year? Yeah, for the last 15 years, but

called today, said he wanted to do it.

I'm gonna miss my annual trip to the nudie bar, but it's okay.

Yeah, Mom was starting to complain about that anyway.

So Ryan volunteered, huh?

Interesting.

No, not really.

Oh, sweet young James.

Like an innocent doe, damp with the morning dew.

What? Don't you get it, man?

He's after your title. He wants to be the number one son.

Oh, come on.

Why ain't the new guy, that's all?

He's supposed to suck up to his mother -in -law.

And I don't blame him. And you know what? Maggie is the greatest.

Hey, that's what I thought when I was number one. But then you came along, and

all of a sudden, Andy isn't a baby face. He's got a weight problem.

Look it, Ryan can't touch me anyway. I'm the king, and this is my throne.

I thought the upstairs toilet was your throne.

I'm the king. I can have two thrones.

Ryan, that is the funniest story about menopause. I've ever heard.

Get here!

Grandma! Oh, my darling!

Hi, Grandma!

How are you, Maggie? Oh, fine, honey. Hey, Mom. How was your flight?

Oh, wonderful.

Ryan surprised me with a first -class upgrade.

We were going to use the miles for Europe, but it's Mom.

That's right, and no mother -in -law of mine is going to pay for headphones.

I mean, come on.

What's that sound, Jim?

Footsteps.

Hey, Jim, honey, why don't you grab Mom's bags and put them up in Kyle's

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Wait a minute, Kyle's room? Yeah, the kids all bunk in the girls' room. They

love it. It's like camping.

I get to sleep in the closet.

Hold on one second there, Jim. I mean, this is silly. We have an extra bedroom.

Yeah, with a bed that's not a race car.

I wouldn't be imposing.

Oh, not at all. You should definitely stay with us.

Well, I'll drink to that.

if that works for you, Mom.

Maggie, you always stay with us.

Hmm. Seems something's changed.

Hey, Jim, I'll just put these bags back in the car. I got it. I got it.

Oh!

Got a piece of the old Yule log.

Thank you.

Such a mouth.

Maggie, Maggie, you sure you want to go? I mean, aren't you going to miss the

kids? Oh, honey, I can just tuck them in and be back here first thing each

morning. Now.

Who knows where I can get a Christmas cookie?

We do!

Kyle really sleeps in the closet?

Yeah, in an old suitcase. He loves it.

How's that view from your throne, King James?

You're right.

I can't believe it.

I should have never let him go to the airport and pick her up. Now he's trying

to steal her away.

And I don't get to go to the nudie bar.

I can go right now if you want.

It's not the same without your mom.

Jim, you're being ridiculous.

Ryan is not after your title. You don't even have a title. Watch it, Cheryl.

Watch it.

If I don't have a title, that means you don't have a title.

I don't have a title.

Well, as king of this family, I can give you a title.

I dub thee Queen Cheryl, first babe of the realm and the caretaker of the

jewels.

I'm thrilled with it.

Look, honey, I, for one, am thrilled she's not here to nitpick me. Besides,

there is more than enough of my mother for you and Ryan to share.

Share? Yes. He doesn't want to share.

Oh, oh, look at me. I can get you a first -class upgrade.

Oh, we got bedrooms in our house. Oh, we pay for heat at our house.

Cheryl, you know what? When we take Maggie out for Stevie B's ribs and

I've got to shine.

Well, you might want to start by zipping up your fly.

It's Christmas. This is not the time to be petty and competitive.

Well, then how come Donner tried to screw Nixon out of his spot in the

games? All reindeer games, they were competing for the same spot. Well, if it

isn't Fred Nuffel.

As soon as the stars of the show get here, we can go to dinner.

Would you stop stirring him up? And why are you including me?

Come on, sis, wake up. You think that pretty boy Ryan came up with this? This

has the stink of Dana all over it.

Of course she wants a piece of this.

They're trying to take your role as premier couple of the family.

Premier couple?

What does that even mean?

It means we're number one.

What does that mean?

It means they're Canada and we're America.

Hey. Hey.

Why are you guys all dressed up?

Yeah, talk about donning gay apparel.

Press Country Club.

And I've always wanted to go to their holiday party. Yeah, so Ryan called and

was able to get reservations for all of us.

Oh.

Funny you didn't call to check with us.

Well, if you guys want to go to Stevie B's, we'll just take Maggie to the club

ourselves. Yeah.

Oh, Canada Something,

something

Let's go over to your house and pick you out a nice suit. Oh, Mom, I can pick

out my own suit.

What are you hiding?

No, Mom, wait.

Don't look under the bed. Those tapes came with the house.

Oh, hell to the no.

We know what you're trying to do.

Yeah, don't deny it. You're after Mom.

You're not after her.

We've got her.

And she's not coming back.

way too long.

Hey, watch it, pal.

That big dog is my wife.

Okay, are you seriously trying to compete with us for Mom's attention?

You're damn right we are. I've been number two my whole life. Now get in the

back seat with Andy.

I don't think you kids know who you're messing with here.

Excuse me, Jim, but are you getting all up in our Kool -Aid?

Oh,

to bring it. Oh, it'll be brought. Right, Ryan?

Oh, yeah. With a heavy hand.

Bam!

You two don't stand a chance.

We're younger, sexier, and we drive a cooler car.

One more time, honey.

Bam! Bam!

You watch it.

You have arrived!

I don't know. Are you sure this isn't too much?

Honey, this is war. And in war, you bring out the big guns.

Ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.

Oh, a show?

I didn't know there was a show.

Really? Then who moved the couch?

Perhaps it was a Christmas miracle.

It's starting.

That's no Christmas at all.

Why don't you just stick your hand up her butt and work her like a puppet?

Why don't you just shove it?

What was I thinking? I should spend the rest of my trip right here with these

precious grandchildren of mine.

Oh, Mom, I think that's a great idea, because, you know, our little tykes will

only be young for a short while, and you have years to be with Dana and Ryan in

their cold, childless home.

here. Yay!

Hey, Ryan.

Bam!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.

Hold on.

I've been practicing Silent Night for six hours. You people are going to sit

down and listen to me play.

Triple carving job.

Had that pig known what was in store for him, he would have gladly given up his

life.

Thank you, young Andy. Thank you.

But I'm sure Dr.

Ryan is pretty good with a knife, too.

Although we'll never get a chance to see it.

I could come over and give you a vasectomy in your sleep.

Give it up, Ryan. We're just not as selfish and twisted as Cheryl and Jim.

That's right. And let that be a lesson to the both of you.

up in that suitcase.

Oh, just precious.

I'm so glad I'm here for this. Aw.

You know what, Maggie? We're glad you're here, too.

Everybody grab a drink.

I'd like to make a toast to Maggie. None for me. Thanks, Mom.

What's wrong?

Oh. Yeah, what's wrong, Dana?

Don't you love your mother?

Should we tell them? I don't think this is the right time.

Oh, my God.

You're pregnant.

You'd be excited, you know, since Jim and Cheryl are done having kids. Yeah.

You're not pregnant.

Cheryl Mabel.

What? She's lying.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You're just saying that to get attention.

How can you say something like that? How dare you, Cheryl? I have life inside of

me.

Prove it.

Prove you're pregnant.

Cheryl, what if... Prove it!

Not all you guys yelling at her and calling her a liar.

On Christmas Eve.

Oh, honey, is that why you wanted Mom to stay with you?

That means yes.

Oh,

I'm sorry, honey.

Yes, you heartless, wicked witch.

Jim got me all worked up about being the premier couple.

You know, I'm starting to think you were right about him all along.

Cheryl? Yeah? Cheryl, did you already apologize to your sister? I did.

I just hope she can forgive me.

I don't know. It's going to take some time. I know.

Well, maybe you would feel better if I helped you pick out some names.

Like, if it's a girl, how about Lucy?

For Lucy, you got some explaining to do!

Get your scarf and your mittens. You meet me out back room and sell this like

men. Oh, yeah, Lucy, Ricky.

What's this? I found this in the bathroom. On the floor.

Here's your baby.

Drew, the pink lines?

How do you even know that pen is mine?

From the office of Dr.

Ryan Gibson. Happy holidays.

Cheryl, care to join me? I would love to.

Let's go tell your mother. Yes. Hold up, Jim.

Before you go, you should check your watch. Why?

Because it is go time. Boy,

that's Cheryl.

Not believing her own sister.

You know, Pops, kind of glad you weren't here to see that.

What is going on in there?

A little roughhouse.

And that's Dana.

Stealing the spotlight from baby Jesus.

Well, at least you got one good one left, Mom.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Maggie.

Maggie.

Wake up.

Dina's not pregnant.

There you go. You're gonna be fine.

Oh, thank you, Ryan.

Thank goodness we have a doctorate in the family, huh, Mom?

Yes. You're talking about my first aid kit. You're the one that opened the

You didn't have eyes.

Stop.

Lord,

competing for my affection?

Christmas is a time when you are supposed to think about other people and

you are doing is thinking about yourselves.

I'm ashamed of you.

But not me, right, Mom?

Yes, Andy, you're my good boy. Yes.

Boo -yah!

Although, we're going to have a long talk about that filthy magazine I found

your bathroom.

It's anime. God!

You know, Maggie, you're right.

You're right. We've been acting very selfishly.

Yeah. We acted crazy, and we're sorry.

The truth is, Maggie, that Cheryl and I have had you for the last 15 years, and

it's time to share you with...

Someone else.

It's time for you to have a chance.

You know, that's hard for me to say because, you know, I grew up without a

father and I don't have the greatest relationship with my own mother.

But I do with you.

You know, not every family gets to have someone like you.

Someone who you don't fight with but you're willing to fight for.

You know?

What are you doing?

Cheryl, it's only fair.

What? Your Christmas angel?

Mom, when you gave this to us, it really made me feel part of this family.

And Ryan, I think you should feel the same way.

Wow, Jim, I really don't know what to say.

How about Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas.

Right over here.

Jim.

That was beautiful. Thank you, Mary.

Now that's the kind of love you want to be around during the holidays.

And the only gift I ever want at Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Wow. Late.

Mom, you must be exhausted.

am, but with all the fighting, I've lost track of where I'm staying.

Well, that's up to you.

Uh, Ryan, do you have pain pills?

Of course. I'm staying with them. Okay,

good night.

Good night. I'll be back first thing in the morning, see the kids open their

presents. All right, love you.

Love you, too.

Wow, buddy, that was a great speech.

Got me right in the old ticker.

Damn it!

the angel thing was going to work for sure.

I thought I had her. That was the greatest performance of my life.

Jim, you didn't mean what you said. Of course I meant it. I was just not going

to say it to anybody.

I wanted to win.

All right. All right. We got Easter.

We got to win Maggie's back at Easter.

Okay. Start thinking. Start giving me some thinking music.

All right. I got it. I got it. I got it.

Hey, the colored hair.

We're going to need lots of that.

And bunnies. Lots of little bunnies. And chocolate. You're right. Not big

enough.