All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s05e10_lean_on_me

What are you doing here?

Out of my house.

Cheryl!

Cheryl, what's happening here?

Well, remember last night when you said
you couldn't imagine what I do all day?

Yeah. Today I didn't do it.

Those guys are bros.

Jim, those guys are eight.

And they were girls.

Honey, there's a message for you on the
machine. Your, um, old college

girlfriend, Melissa Evans.

Ah. No way.

Jim went to college. Oh.

Melissa Evans. My God, I haven't talked
to her in 15 years.

Hey, was she the one with the shakers?

Yeah.

Shakers daddy like.

No, salt and pepper shakers. She
collected them.

Oh, carry on.

Although, for the record, she had some
shakers.

Yeah, that's what I was talking about
before.

Anyway, she's in town. She wanted to get
together for lunch. Oh, yeah? Oh, poor

thing must have lost a bed or something.

Well,

that is one lunch date that I am not
going to make.

Why not?

Oh, come on.

Everybody knows there's only one reason
for a man to have female friends, okay?

And it's not friendship.

Oh, would you get over yourself? It
sounded like she just wanted to catch

Wanted to catch up? Let me look at the
male -to -female dictionary here.

Oh, here it is. Wants to catch up means
wants to take a bubble bath with Jim.

Oh, Jim, you're being ridiculous. You
know, every Thursday I go out with a

of guys from work. It's innocent fun.
Ryan's totally cool with it. Dana,

dealing with a caveman here. Less logic,
more grunting.

You're right. You're right. I am a
caveman, and I'm proud of it.

And Cheryl, the truth is, you and I are
cut from the same loincloth. It's true.

Deep down inside, we both have the same
base instincts.

The only difference is you pretty it up
with kindness, consideration, and daily

showers.

We are the same.

Oh, Jim, I've heard the caveman speech
before. It's just an excuse to not use a

napkin.

Honey, can you... Why don't you just dip
your toe into the 21st century?

Be friends with a woman.

Evolve. Cheryl, I traffic in facts, not
evolution.

And the fact is, no woman has ever
wanted to be friends with me.

This Melissa has got an agenda for me.

I know whenever I call a woman, I only
have one thing in mind.

Abduction?

Look, honey, think of this as an
opportunity to broaden your horizon.

Come out of the cave and have a grown
-up lunch with Melissa like a mature,

sophisticated person.

Why do you insist on throwing me into
the arms of these other women?

You did that with that lady dentist,
too, who was hitting on me.

She was a hygienist, and that's just
where their boobs end up.

Fine. But I'm telling you, this Melissa
is in a tizzy to get busy.

She is starving for my Marvin.

She is ready for my Freddie.

She is out for my trout.

She is in this for the business.

Okay. Remember before when I was talking
about something? Well, I'm talking

about it again.

All right. Fine. Just go to lunch. Okay.

Okay. I'm going to go to lunch just to
prove to you that I'm right.

Okay. Oh, wait a minute. She invited me,
right? Yes. So she has to pay for

lunch. Fine.

Then tomorrow will be a perfect day.

Oh, but you should probably cover the
tip.

Well, then I'll hope for bad service.

Jim? Hey.

Look at you.

You haven't changed a bit.

Hi, Melissa.

Oh, get that thing out of here.

I want a hug.

Of course you do.

Everything. All right. How have you
been? Well, I've been great, to be

with you.

I've got this great little construction
business, and I've been happily married

for 14 years.

I got three kids.

It's Ruby, Gracie, Kyle, 10, 9, and 5.

Oh, are those pictures?

No, it's just their names and ages.

So, how about you? You got family?

No, I just got divorced.

Oh. That's why I'm back in Chicago.

Yeah, let me guess.

You're here to start over?

In fact, that's why I looked you up.

I have a proposition.

Yeah, I thought you would.

Look, I take my vows very seriously.
You're in contracting. I'm in real

I thought we could maybe partner up and
do a little business.

What are you talking about?

Vows.

Contracting vows.

It's a beautiful ceremony.

A little noisy, a lot of hammering, but
it's... I'm thinking... Yeah?

We buy inexpensive homes and flip them.

We can make a lot of money.

Is that what this is about, making
money?

No.

A big, fat pile of money!

Come on, Melissa. There is more to life
than money.

It really is nice to see you. You too.

I am starving. Well, we should order.
And since I invited you to lunch, I

on paying.

Oh, is that the custom that the inviter
pays for lunch and tip

and valet parking?

Still cheap and adorable.

So now when you wake up, you won't
remember anything that I told you.

Yeah, got it.

Wake up.

Wow.

You guys are great hypnotists. I was
totally hypnotized.

Now take a hike.

Mississippi. I'm a pretty, pretty girl.

Thank you for playing along.

How's that now?

Hey, Cheryl.

Look at this.

Salt and pepper shakers from my friend,
Melissa.

Well, well, well. Did Caveman Jim have a
nice lunch with a woman?

Yes, it was very modern and
sophisticated.

I used napkins. We had bottled water.
And I even begged her pardon when I

belched. So you were, let me say it, let
me say it, you.

We're right. Right as Rain Man.

Right as Rain, Jim.

That doesn't make any sense.

I mean, Rain Man was right about how
many toothpicks are on the floor.

Whatever. I was right about Melissa.

Oh, yeah. You were. And you know what?
She's moving back here to Chicago.

And guess what?

What? We were talking about partnering
up in business and, like, buying

inexpensive houses and flipping them.

Wow. So is she moving here with her
family? No, no. No family. She just got

divorced.

What's that?

Oh, it's Missy.

Hello, my new partner.

What? You already found a property?

Wow, that's great. Yeah, no, I'd love to
see it. Yeah, why don't we meet in my

office tomorrow at noon?

Oh, you're right. That is lunchtime.

Right, okay.

I'll take a... Oh, right. You know what
I like. That's right.

Tell her I'm glad to have her as part of
the team.

Pack your bags, Cheryl. You just lost
your man.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on.

Missy, not Melissa, recently moves back
to her ex -boyfriend's hometown.

Calls him on his cell phone, not his
home phone.

And the number where she's sure to reach
him?

She is devious.

Cheryl, have you learned nothing from
the tragic breakup of Brad and Jen?

She's trying to Angelina you.

Totally trust Jim. And you know what? I
think Melissa and I may even become

friends. I think we probably have a lot
in common.

Yeah, you're both in love with the same
guy.

It's all right. You can bunk up with me
during the messy divorce, but the kids

stay here.

Oh, that's okay. I think the kids and I
will probably just move to Mississippi.

I'm a pretty, pretty girl.

How much are these tomatoes?

Funny you should ask. You see that hot
tomato that's after your husband?

$1 .69 a pound.

Thank you.

Cheryl, are you okay?

Yes.

I'm sorry. Marilyn, how are you?

Just peachy. Get it?

Did he take up with that tramp and leave
you?

What?

I said, could you ask Jim to stay off
our trampoline? He's frightening the

children.

Yeah.

Tonight for dinner, I may just have a
salad.

Jim, what the hell?

I don't know. Cheryl was right about
making friends with Melissa. Maybe she's

right about other stuff, too.

Yeah, if it wasn't for that Rain Man
thing, she'd be on a roll.

Jimmy, look what I brought.

Wings from Buffalo Joe's. Oh, my God,
that's terrific.

Great. Melissa, this is Andy.

Oh, nice to meet you, Andy.

Yeah.

how things are going to work around
here, okay? You're the new guy. That

you're low man on the totem pole, so get
used to doing errands and crap that

nobody else wants to do.

Okay. Do I get points for the wings?

Well, you did, but you lost them all by
not bringing any drinks, okay?

So welcome back to zero, new guy, huh?

Pop machine's on the third floor. Go,
go, go!

Andy, why don't you go get the sodas?
But, Jim, she's the new... Go!

He's been the new guy for a while? Uh,
for about ten years.

Yeah,

it's better to keep him here than on the
streets.

Okay, here is the information on the
house. Oh, well, let me see that.

Oh, that is nice.

Is that all they're asking?

Uh -huh. Old people still think Fred's a
nickel.

We're gonna make a fortune!

I know!

Hey, what's so funny? Old people?

I was just at the market. I thought I
might come and make my husband a

Oh, I'm sorry. You must be Melissa. I'm
Cheryl, Jim's wife.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Would you like some ham? It's Jim's
favorite.

Actually, I think I already brought to
me his favorite lunch, buffalo wings

our old college hangout.

Wow. So there, after all these many,
many years.

Yep. Some things never change, like how
many wings this guy can put away.

Oh, please.

I'm stopping.

Hey, Cheryl, you know what? For dinner
tonight, I think I might have a salad.

I think you might be right about that,
too.

Wow, no better feeling than being right.

Except maybe a belly fat.

She's after my husband?

I still can't believe you're after your
husband.

Enough.

No, I mean, I'm being silly.

I mean, they're friends. Totally.

They're business partners. That's why
she was rubbing his stomach.

Wait, she rubbed his stomach?

Yeah. I was hoping it was standard
business practice.

Yeah, we don't steal a lot of deals with
the tummy rub.

What about her feet?

What? Well, people instinctively point
their feet towards a person they're

attracted to. I don't know. I wasn't
watching her feet. I was too busy fake

laughing. All right.

What about her boobs?

Amazing. That's why I'm so worried.

No.

I mean, what direction were they
pointing? Oh, it's hard to tell. You

was throwing them all around like a
slutty hygienist.

Hey, Cheryl.

So let me ask you, does this tie go with
this jacket?

Well, are you going somewhere?

Oh, yeah.

Missy and I just put an offer on our
first house, and she wants to take me

for a good luck dinner.

Oh, well, good luck is good.

And dinner is fun, so it should be fun
and good.

Well, tonight's your book club, and, you
know, I always end up in the garage

just drinking by myself anyway.

Yeah, I don't normally wear a tie in the
garage.

Well, that's not actually true.

Sometimes it's all I wear.

Anyway, this matches, right? It's good
enough?

Yeah. Because that restaurant or hotel
has some kind of dress code.

Uh, you're eating dinner at her hotel?

Yeah, Missy thought it'd be more
convenient.

Convenient? Honey, have fun at the book
club, and I'll bring you back dessert if

Missy pays.

Okay.

All right, you call the lawyer. I'll
start burning his clothes. Stop it. Stop

it. You're being ridiculous.

I'm not jealous. I'm involved.

They're just friends.

guys at work you go out with.

Oh, that.

Yeah. I don't do that anymore.

What? Well, Jim was right. It was bad
for my marriage. Two of those guys were

love with me, and the other one just
invited me out on a cruise.

Turns out, I just like the attention,
probably because I'm a middle child.

Dana! I just sent my husband off to a
hotel with Missy the Boob -Pointing

Homewrecker!

Cheryl, you better go after him.

She is starving for his Marvin.

She is out for his trout. Stop it!

you business venture. I wanted to raise
a toast to your success.

Well, that sounds good. Here.

To my new friend and my old wife.

Cheryl, you really shouldn't let us keep
you from your reading group. I'm sure

it's the highlight of your week.

Ignore the snotty comment.

Ignore the snotty comment.

Cheryl, you look amazing.

Is that a new dress?

I need it. never can remember, can you?
I wore this last year on anniversary

number 14.

We had dinner, made love, and yet he
doesn't remember.

Melissa, do you think I could borrow
this shoulder bag from you?

Oh, it's so comfortable. A girl could
really get used to this.

Yeah, I think you've leaned on my
husband enough this week. Oh, he's happy

help a friend.

Hey, what's going on here?

I thought we were enjoying some
sophisticated banter.

Take your arm off of my husband and
point your feet and shakers toward the

door.

Wow. Either someone really needs a drink
or someone's really insecure about

their marriage.

I said either someone really needs a
drink or someone's really insecure about

her marriage.

I thought you said... You know, I think
you're right. Maybe I could use that

drink.

You know, you're right. I do feel
better.

Oh, no.

I hope my new friend and my old wife
aren't going to get in a cat fight.

Listen, Cheryl, I don't know why we
can't talk. No, no, no, no, no, no. You

don't talk.

You listen.

Now, you don't get to come around here
and hang all over my man just because

can't hang on to yours.

Now, the way I see it, Missy, you've got
two options.

You can either walk out that door right
now with your dignity, most of your

hair, and your top still on, or you and
I can take a little trip down to

Knuckletown.

That's right.

Knuckletown.

Nobody...

All those in favor of moving book club
to Tuesday afternoons, raise your hand.

But Cheryl has carpool then.

Well, Cheryl isn't here now, is she?

And so, next Tuesday, we will begin our
discussions of this.

It's a play written by a local up -and
-coming dramatist.

Long Day's Journey into Andy.

I warn you.

There's some mature content.

Act one, a riverboat in Mississippi.

I'm a pretty girl.

Oh, Cheryl, that was great.

Take a little trip down to Nippertown.

What is that, a suburb of Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Because now that I think about it, it
might be outside of fight walking.

Fistanson.

Will you knock it off?

You're not going to come at me, are you?

I'm so embarrassed.

It's the first time I've ever been
kicked out of a restaurant when it

your fault.

I know.

And it was great, Cheryl. It was great.

I just turned into a total cavewoman.
Yes!

And the cave is wide open, baby.

And I think there's some room for the
both of us under my tiger skin.

You know, I do have to admit, it was
kind of fun.

Yeah?

It's weird. I have a sudden urge to go
bowling.

You do?

Yes, and drink beer in the garage.

Cheryl, this is a perfect day for me.

Honestly, God, you have been trying to
change me all this time, and I actually

got a chance to change you. I know. You
have stooped to my level.

I love it. I love it. And you know what
else I love?

What? I love...

Being right.

Okay, so let's tell this right now.

Jim can't be friends with a woman.

Say I'm right.

Right is rain, man.

Thank you.

Cheryl? Yeah? I thought I heard your
voice.

Oh, is this Jim?

Don't tell me I finally get to meet him.
No, no, you don't, actually.

No, no, you don't. Bye -bye. Bye -bye.
Thanks for coming. Okay.