Original subtitles

Phone. Crap.

Right when Judge Judy's about to drop the hammer.

Can I get it?

Sure.

What are the rules?

You're never in the bathroom. You're in a meeting.

Very good.

You take a lot of meetings, Daddy.

Just be polite.

Hello, who is it, please?

Very good.

Uncle Andy, flat tire.

Blah, blah, blah.

Good girl.

Oh, baby.

Cheryl?

Cheryl!

You know where your mother is? She was supposed to wash these pants.

You're coming along just fine, young man.

We'll wash them for you, Daddy.

Really? Oh, you guys are sweet. I'll tell you what, you can keep anything you

find in the pockets.

sitting on his big butt instead of remodeling my house when he said he

Dana, I'm not wearing any pants.

Do you want me to go over your house with no pants on?

Don't your neighbors already hate you enough?

Tim, you said you'd install my new tile this morning. I said I would install the

tiles when they came in. They haven't come in yet.

Yeah, you said they'd be in today.

Well, I also said I wouldn't go to the bathroom when you're upstairs, John. I

guess I was wrong both times.

This job was supposed to take two weeks. It's already been a month.

Dana, you keep changing your mind. You wanted to turn your spare bedroom into

office. Then you wanted to turn it into a guest room. And now you want to turn

it into a nursery.

So? So, you don't have any kids. You never have any guests. And you barely

your office downtown.

So, Jim, lay off me.

Jim, it is a nursery now, okay? Ryan and I are serious about starting a family.

Oh, God. Not more of you.

Didn't you just hatch your pods up? in the woods like normal aliens?

You're the one that's... I'm doing this for free. You two are making me crazy.

Now, Jim, would you just finish Dana's guest room and get on with it? It's not

guest room anymore, Cheryl. It's a nursery.

It is?

Oh,

get excited.

Settle down. She's not pregnant yet. In two minutes, she's going to change that

nursery into a crappy yoga studio.

No, I won't.

The yoga studio would be cool.

She's a pediatrician!

She's a pediatrician! Okay,

enough! You're family!

Make it work!

Fine. Whatever.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go stop your children from putting down $70

on a month -to -month lease.

$70? Yeah.

There's a 50 stuck to the 20.

Whether I'm right in front of Cheryl, she wants me to be nice to her, and I

don't think I can do it.

I mean, every time I see her, I just want to tee off on her.

So get it out of your system.

Tee off on me instead.

I'm not going to do that, Andy.

Why? You think you're going to hurt my feelings or something?

We're buds.

I know you won't mean it. I don't know, Andy. Come on, get my grill.

Bring it, Sally!

All right, mama's boy, why don't you go eat another dozen donuts and go play

with your Star Wars dolls?

See? Rolls right off the old back.

Oh.

Come on, Andy. I don't want to upset you in the morning like this. I don't want

to upset you. Get out the back!

Oh, no!

I'm not afraid of you!

Get a big hot shot! All right, all right! Get a hot shot! All right!

Morning, Jim. Morning.

You're here awfully early. I didn't even hear you knock.

I'm doing this job for a cost. I don't need to knock.

Could I pay extra for knocking or for you not to go through my mail?

Cat fancy?

Have you read Cat Fancy?

Oh, listen, I got to stick around. I got to go up to the bedroom because your

wife wants the same size window that's in the bedroom in the nursery.

All right, well, she's still asleep, so just keep it down. All right, thanks.

Oh, hey, Jim.

Why is Andy out here crying?

That's what he does.

Come on, take me. Let's go to the gazebo.

Oh, yeah, the gazebo.

Yeah.

Come on, take me, Jim.

Good morning, Dana.

Sleep well?

Why aren't you working on the nursery?

I'll get to that.

You know what? I was thinking about something to be perfect for your home. A

addition. Your grave?

I love the way we banter.

No, I was thinking of something a little more romantic.

Like a gazebo.

Gazebo. Come on. Haven't you ever dreamt of a romantic gazebo?

Gazebo?

Dana.

Why, you look as if you've just seen a ghost.

A very sexy ghost.

I'm fine. Just leave me alone.

Go saw something.

I'm sorry.

Have I been a naughty boy?

No!

Know what, Dana?

Know what?

That you had a dirty dream?

What's in it for me?

Nothing. Oh, okay.

Citizens! Hey!

Fine! What do you want? I'll tell you what I want. I want no more complaining.

want no more changes.

Fine, fine, whatever.

Okay. All right.

Then your secret remains with me.

Drop my keys.

I thought we were going to bed.

I've lost.

I know, but I'm just not tired. I don't know what it is.

I'm going on a limb here, but you think maybe it's the coffee.

Is this coffee?

Now I'll never get to sleep.

Silly Dana.

What is going on with you?

I just don't want to go to sleep.

Scary movie or something?

Yes.

Yes, it was just like a scary movie. Like a scary, balding, ham -handed

Hey, hey, hey, don't worry. Come here.

All right?

Look, your big man's here, all right? I'm going to protect you. Oh.

In fact, you know what? You go to sleep.

Yeah? And I'm going to stay up and make sure you're all right.

That is so sweet.

That's what this is all about, okay?

All right.

I do feel better. I'm glad.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, my goodness.

It's all right. You just had a bad dream. Oh, thanks, genius. Why do you

I'm screaming?

Just calm down, all right? Oh, no, wait. I'm not falling for that again.

Don't you tell me to go back to sleep. I am never going back to sleep ever

again.

Huh.

Well, go after her or finally have a night of no cold feet under my ass.

I have to find the credit card that Jim doesn't know about.

I hide it in the DVD of the English patient.

Why can't we make Andy shop for Mom's stupid birthday present?

He's the only one who likes her.

What a mean thing to say.

Out loud.

Besides, I'm making him come with us.

Oh, I'm just cranky. I haven't been able to sleep in a few days.

Really? You're not sleeping?

No. You want to borrow the English patient?

Ready to go?

Dana's talking in her sleep, but I can't make out what she's saying.

She's having a spec stream. Gross.

I should wake her.

Hold on. Let's see where this goes.

Oh, look at the gazebo.

Come on, take me.

Take me, Jan.

Why does every single woman find that man so sexy?

I'm nice.

I'm thoughtful.

I respect women. Why can't the Andy man get a little tail?

I am so sorry, Cheryl. I don't know why I'm having these dreams about Jim.

Do you hate me?

It's not a big deal. Everybody has sex dreams. You know, I had one about Ted

Koppel once. He was filthy.

Not Ted Koppel, I guess.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dana.

Oops, I dropped my jacket.

You see what he's doing? He's ruining my life.

Oh, you guys know?

Yes. Damn.

Tomorrow morning I was going to come to your house and dress as a pirate.

I haven't been able to sleep in days because of these stupid dreams.

Dreams?

Well, well, well, it seems like you came back for a second and said the all -you

-can -eat gym buffet.

What is it, the giant head, the thick neck?

I just don't get it.

Bend over, Jim. Let me have another look.

Dana, seriously, you've got to let it go. It's just not a big deal.

No, this is a big deal. This cannot...

to stay between us. Ryan can never find out that I'm having sex dreams about

Jim.

Sex dreams about Jim?

Oh, no.

Come on, Doc.

Seriously. Can you blame her?

Are you coming to bed?

I flossed.

You sure it's me you want in there with you?

I mean, of course I'm sure.

Really?

Look, I'm sorry that I'm not Jim, all right? But I could act like Jim if I

you on. Is that what you're into, Jim?

Huh? Huh?

Is that what you're into? Oh, yeah, I'm Jim!

Look at my belly, I'm Jim!

I'm sorry, but this whole thing is just really freaking me out. It's freaking

you out?

You're not the one Jim's taking in the gazebo every night.

There's a lot more going on in this dream than just Jim, you know? Yes,

is. Yeah.

Like, um, well, like the gazebo.

Yes, the gazebo.

Okay, maybe the gazebo is because, because we watched The Sound of Music

month. Yes, yes, and that's my favorite movie.

And Jim is a bit of a Nazi.

No.

Spin the wheel, spin the wheel, spin the wheel. You know what? Maybe it's not

even our gym.

Maybe it's like another gym. Maybe it's like a gym... Neighbors!

Is that really better?

I'm thinking sort of like, I don't know, gym... Trust me.

Oh, the head coach at Ohio State.

Oh, babe, I love you so much right now.

Okay.

We're getting there. Okay, look.

Is there any, like, good quality about gym that would make you want to... Oh,

God.

Connect to him.

Okay, good qualities. Yeah.

Um... He always wears a watch.

There's one. Okay.

And, um, um... Oh, I saw him eat celery once.

Okay. He's been doing a great job on the nursery. Gotta give it up. Yes, yes.

He's had some very good ideas. Like he wanted to put a shelf next to the

changing table for lotion and baby wipes.

Which is amazing for a man that's never changed a diaper.

Oh, no, are you kidding? No, he's changed thousands of them. He just tells

guys that he doesn't do that stuff.

But he's actually really great with the kids. I mean, he reads to them, he

brushes the girls' hair, he tucks them in. It's very sweet.

You think Jim's a good dad?

Yeah.

Have you told him?

Oh, God, no. That would make him feel good.

Dana, that could be what all this is about.

I mean, come on. You and I have been talking about getting pregnant, right?

And you think Jim is like a great father.

I mean, come on.

Another catch deposit in the bank of a roadhouse.

Hey. Hey.

Cheryl already went to bed.

That's okay. I came to see you.

I thought we should have a talk.

Oh, this can't be good.

All right.

So Ryan has a theory.

On why I'm having these dreams about you.

I have a theory, too.

You're aching for my bacon.

Will you stop? This is tough.

Ryan thinks it's because, and you're going to laugh, I think you're a good

father.

Get out of here. No, you know what? And I think he's right.

When we have kids, I hope Ryan's as good a dad as you are.

Huh.

You sure you're not thinking about my Lincoln?

Jim!

Hot for my mouth?

Wait a minute.

Hold on, hold on. Wait a second.

You really... You really think Ryan should be like me, huh?

Just the good parts.

What, can I let you in on a little secret?

Being a parent is the toughest thing I've ever done.

But you find it.

It's in you.

And you know what? When things get tough, remember, you got Cheryl and me

We can help you.

You're not alone.

Thank you.

Oh, I feel so much better.

All right, I've been nice to you for the last two minutes.

That's enough.

I've got to balance it out with a couple of insults here.

You're obnoxious.

You're pushy.

You're a drooler.