All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s05e08_james_the_annoying_peach

What? Oh,

what do you punks want?

Come in the kitchen.

We need your help.

Yeah.

And if I go into said kitchen, children,
is it possible something might fall on

my head?

Yeah, go in there.

Kyle, you're supposed to say no.

Ah, my little chimp.

Uncle Andy's a little too smart to fall
for the bucket -over -the -door gag.

The putting in the loafers gag, however.

not to sleep in my chair.

Still pudding.

Oh, baby.

What they don't teach you in school is
that our founding fathers signed the

Declaration of Independence in pencil.

So, since they were in Philadelphia,
they called the state Pennsylvania.

Why don't you go get your backpacks
ready?

You know, if they signed it in
Louisville, it would have been called

tucking.

They don't have a sense of humor, these
girls.

A little morning humor, a little jokes.

So, honey, how are you this morning?

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I got to go to work. I'm late.
No, you're not late.

I say, talk to me. Have some peach.

No, thank you.

I got to go, honey. I got to go. No,
Jim.

Every day this week, you rush right off.

Well, I'm not rushing, honey. I just got
to get to work.

Is it the new sheets?

Work? I know.

Are the bears having trouble scoring
runs?

I'm fine.

I'll see you tonight.

I'm fine!

Something is really bothering Jim. I
wish I could get him to open up about

You know, before Ryan and I got married,
we went and saw a therapist.

up, and I learned so much about his
relationship with his mother, so now I

nag him in a way that's different from
her.

Oh, I wish I could get Jim into therapy.

There's no way.

It goes through Barbara and Chinatown
just to avoid personal questions.

So, trick him into it. Oh, Dana, I could
never trick him.

I mean, unless you explained how really
slowly.

Well, I think you know our therapist,
Sally Wu.

Oh, yeah, her kids in Gracie's class.
Dakota Wu.

Yeah. Okay, so, invite Sally. Sally
over, tell Jim she's here for brunch,

then put out a big plate of bacon. Oh,
you know, the scent of breakfast meats

always relaxes Jim.

It's like he's aromatherapy. Exactly.

So then you set the mood and you let
Sally take it from there.

What if it doesn't work?

Well, then you should pack your bags,
hit the road, and earn your keep as a

table dancer.

Cheryl invites her friend Sally over for
brunch, and you invite me.

I smell a fix -up.

I did invite you, Andy.

Then maybe I just smell bacon.

And plenty of it, huh? You know what?

I feel so relaxed.

I can't treat Jim without his
permission.

Therapy is based on trust and the
patient's willingness to participate.

I'm sorry. I just can't justify it
ethically.

Oh, that's okay. It's too bad, though,
because I was going to give you my

for sinfully sweet double -chunk
brownies.

The brownies you won the school bake
-off with three times?

Yeah.

I shouldn't, though, you know, because I
don't think I could justify it, you

know, ethically.

Oh.

Half now, half when the job is done.

Hey, sis.

Andy, what are you doing here?

Jim invited me.

No, I didn't.

Oh,

Sally, this is my brother Andy. Hello.

She's married.

Let her tell me.

Jim, you're a contractor.

Yes. That's sort of a seasonal job,
isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Seasonal, kind of like football, which
is on TV right now.

That kind of work must make you a little
nervous.

Unsure about the future?

Well, not really, but you know who's
unsure about the future? These football

players on TV right now.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and
just kind of wonder if it's all going to

end?

Oh, God, I do.

We never know from month to month if
there's going to be another job. I got a

mortgage. I got a new car.

I bought the biggest karaoke machine
they make. I don't know why.

Andy, hey, honey, you want some bacon?

What? You want me to eat my feelings?
Who are you, Mom?

Oh, who am I kidding?

Jim... I just think you might have some
insecurities and would probably benefit

by talking about them.

How does that make you feel?

Like I have two wives.

What's going on?

Sally's a therapist.

What?

Cheryl, so she's here for me? Is that
it? Is that what you're telling me?

Jim... Cheryl was concerned about you,
and she just thought I could help.

You're trying to trick me into therapy?

Good God, woman, on game day?

Jimmy, I just want to know why you've
been so quiet at breakfast lately.

You want to know what's bothering me?
Yes.

All right, I'll tell you what's
bothering me.

It's the peaches.

What?

It's the crazy, bizarre way you eat the
peaches.

You cut up those peaches into little
cubes and you got the...

or two things in here. Then you put it
back in the beach.

Nobody eats pizzas like that. Who eats
pizzas like that?

Honey, that can't be it.

That's nothing.

I know it's nothing. That's why I told
you it was nothing. It feels bad in the

moment, and then when you're done, it
passes.

It's just like when a doctor checks your
prostate.

Exactly.

You're looking forward to it for weeks
and then it's over like that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not like
that.

My doctor's a woman.

How are your Tuesday afternoons?

Is it really about the peaches?

the pizzas.

It's just about the pizzas.

Do you remember what Dr.

Saley said cutting up those pizzas in
those little cubes? It's obsessive.

Jim, I can't allow the juice to touch my
face.

What's obsessive about that?

I don't know. Why don't you trick
yourself into therapy and find out?

Okay, let me look. If it was really...

Because I'm the kind of guy who likes to
sleep instead of talking about summer

fruit all night.

It's so weird that I want to know your
thoughts. You want to know all of my

thoughts. Not every thought has to be
put into your precious words.

You know what happens to thoughts when
they don't come out? Yes, they go away.

But not with you.

No, you want to talk and talk and talk
and talk some more.

Oh, I guess it would be better for you
if I didn't talk at all.

Is that on the menu?

Oh, come on. Give me a mess in three
days.

Are you kidding me?

I'd love it.

You know, some men dream of sex.

I dream of silence.

And sex.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Fine. Fine. Three days. I'm not going to
talk to you for three days.

Three seconds. You just broke it.

I kind of like this.

It's so non -talky.

Oh, by the way, you eat grapes weird,
too.

Oh, and you know what?

The children are smart because of me.

You know what?

I never really liked Oprah.

Oh, one more thing.

I love you, honey, but you know what?

I never wash my hands after I go to bed.

you, my fine young lass.

Oh, what a beautiful morning it is.

Hey, did you know that the birds were
singing outside our bedroom window?

And I heard them.

For the first time.

Well, here's an interesting article.

There's a man here that's just been
reunited with his father after 32 years.

Gee, that's almost as long as it's been
since I've seen my father.

What's that look?

It's a mean show.

Does it mean, how do you feel, Jim?

Or is it, I wonder what Marmaduke is up
to?

is way too big to ride in that bus.

Hey. Hey.

What are you writing?

In exactly two minutes, my three days of
silence are over. So I'm making a list

of everything that's bugging Jim.

You know, you're only on here twice.

I was busy with work.

So if you haven't been talking to Jim,
how do you know what's bugging him? Oh,

it's easy.

Everything bugs him.

You know, I saw him get in a fight with
a napkin once.

So why is that your problem?

Tina, it's my job.

If Jim doesn't talk about these things
with me, then the pressure builds up and

he explodes.

Okay, so Jim gets three days of quiet
and then you rush in and you fix all his

problems?

I say zip your lip and let him blow.

Is that on the menu?

Well, here comes my young silent bride.

And by the official timepiece,

You've made it.

All right.

Sit down.

We've got three days of yaps stored up.

Let it rip.

Actually, Jim, Cheryl's not going to do
that. Your wife has realized that

nothing she was going to say to you in
the last three days was important.

You were right.

A silent you're right.

Oh, you dream of one, but you never
think it's going to happen.

As of now, Cheryl is completely giving
up talking to you.

And you're okay with that?

Nothing else is going to change.

You're happy.

Carry on, baby.

Cheryl also wanted me to tell you you're
a jackass.

Fine, that one was for me.

Jim. What?

Are you going to be okay with her not
talking to you again?

Are you kidding me?

She's not going to make the week.

And until then, let me tell you, I'm
going to enjoy every minute of it.

Come on. Hot, blonde, and silent.

I've built a perfect life.

Mom's going to love that.

What, would it kill you to ask me how
I'm doing? I mean, we've been here for

three hours.

Okay. How you doing, Jim?

I said I was fine.

I already told you that.

Off my back.

Jim, in my work with Dr.

Sally Wu, I've learned about the dangers
of unprocessed feelings.

You hear that?

You hear that fly?

It's been tormenting me all day.

It's driving me crazy.

Right. The fly.

Are you sure it's the fly that's
tormenting you?

What are you talking about?

losing it, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

I should settle down.

It's just a fly.

Fooled you!

Get a hold of yourself, man!

These pretzels were completely innocent!

happy that Cheryl isn't talking to you.

But from where I stand, something ain't
right.

something bothering me.

I mean, he's nuts.

I mean, I killed a damn fly.

I mean, you know, unless you think
there's something bothering me.

Fine.

Fine.

Don't talk to me.

Don't tell me what's bothering me. I
don't need to know. I don't...

Money?

Something with the kids?

Everything bothers you.

Well, that sounds right.

Yeah. Hey, Jim, you need someone to talk
to. You need a sounding board. For the

last 15 years, that sounding board has
been me.

You miss me.

That's not it, Cheryl.

It's not it. I like the silence.

I just don't like being out there alone.

Too many things get broken.

You know what's that different from you
miss me?

No.

It's not so girly.

What?

When I ask you what's bothering you, I'm
not trying to upset you.

I'm trying to help you. I know that now.
I do.

And thank you.

I do miss you.

I know.

I mean, you know, a little bit.

You know, Cheryl, you don't have to know
every thought that's going on in my

mind.

I mean, sometimes a peach is just a
peach, Cheryl.

I know.

I know. Honey, I totally get that.

And to show you the value of good
communication.

Oh, that is so hot.