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Bernice? Uh, Andy said you guys met at
Collier's. Did you go there often? Every
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other Tuesday.
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It's DMV employee night, so the whole
gang goes down there.
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Oh.
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Well, they make you stand at the bar for
40 minutes and then tell you you don't
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have the right form for the drink?
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Our average wait
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time is 18 minutes.
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Bernice, may I offer you more coffee?
Actually, Bernice has a serious bladder
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issue.
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Found that out at the drive -in.
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Hey, guys. I'm so sorry. I fell asleep
with the girls. It could be chronic
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00:00:52,170 --> 00:00:53,270
fatigue or depression.
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00:00:53,550 --> 00:00:54,550
I have both.
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00:00:55,670 --> 00:00:56,670
Hi, I'm Dana.
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Bernice. Sorry, my arm fell asleep.
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It's all right. We all wanted to do
that.
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Dana! Oh, my God. Bernice, are you okay?
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I've got temporal mandibular syndrome.
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Okay, you know what? Maybe we should
call it a night. Thanks, Andy.
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You are so kind.
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Yeah.
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See ya.
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00:01:41,410 --> 00:01:44,410
Andy, what are you doing? Dating some
DMV chick?
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I thought your low point was when your
mail order bride left you to go back to
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her war -torn homeland.
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She didn't leave me. They called up her
unit.
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Andy,
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would you just let me set you up with
Connie from our yoga class? You guys
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a lot in common.
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00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:05,710
You can't put two desperate losers
together and expect something to happen.
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Yeah.
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Connie is not a loser.
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Cheryl, putting people together is an
art. It's a science. It's an art
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if you will.
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You need someone with wisdom and
experience to help you find the right
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Okay, and let me guess. That someone is
you.
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You don't have to guess. It is me.
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Listen to me.
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I come from a long tradition, all right?
The early settlers used to call us...
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Chick whisperers.
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00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,240
We thrived on this continent for
centuries.
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And then when they cut down all the
forests, we kind of migrated into the
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singles bars.
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00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:51,140
Well, whatever I'm doing now isn't
working. What do I got to lose?
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50 pounds and a porn addiction?
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Andy, Jim does not know what he's
talking about. What? I'm very good at...
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00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:02,870
the matchmaker.
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00:03:03,130 --> 00:03:06,110
Matchmaker? Just because you can put a
shirt and pants together doesn't make
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a matchmaker.
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00:03:08,510 --> 00:03:09,750
Hey, hey, hey, Andy.
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00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:14,530
Think about it. Would you rather take
advice from a guy who married up or a
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00:03:14,530 --> 00:03:15,530
woman who married down?
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00:03:21,150 --> 00:03:22,150
Sorry, sis.
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00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:35,280
So, I just talk into this button on my
cuff and you'll hear me? Yeah. Yeah, see
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here. Got the receiver in my ear here.
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It'll pick up everything.
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Bud, test it out.
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Hello, Chicago. Are you ready to rock?
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Stupid jerk.
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00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:50,880
Come on. Stay focused here.
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You want to find a woman of quality or
not? Yeah, of course. All right.
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Okay, okay.
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Check out the redhead behind me.
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00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:03,240
Pretty? No Adam's apple? I'm seeing
green lights.
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00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,340
Wrong, wrong. What's she drinking?
What's she drinking?
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Lemon drop martini. Right.
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00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:09,820
High maintenance.
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,800
We want to find a girl who's drinking
white wine.
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Yes, yes, yes. White wine.
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Educated and unpretentious.
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Oh, oh, oh, Jim, Jim, look. How about
her?
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00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,900
You got a good eye, but she's chewing
pretty hard on that straw. I mean, she's
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an angry woman.
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Do you want an angry woman?
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Sometimes it's nice.
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Bingo.
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00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,340
Hot chick right there in the red top.
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00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,160
Oh, but she's gorgeous. Way out of my
league.
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You want me to help you? Or do you want
to drive down to the train yard and find
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a girl who's rubbing her hands over a
burning trash can?
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Sometimes it's nice. All right.
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00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,020
All right. Now just follow my
instructions.
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Be confident.
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00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:02,850
Can you hear me?
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00:05:03,010 --> 00:05:04,010
Yes. Okay.
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00:05:04,570 --> 00:05:06,090
Now, put your hand over your head.
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Smell your armpit.
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Now, turn around and adjust your crotch.
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00:05:19,130 --> 00:05:22,930
Tim! I thought you were helping me. All
right, all right.
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00:05:23,550 --> 00:05:25,690
Okay. Let's start with a compliment.
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Okay.
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You look great in those pants, Jim.
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Girl. Girl.
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Say something like, uh... Heaven must be
missing an angel tonight because you're
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right here on Earth.
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I'm not saying that. That's corny. Corny
is good.
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Women love corny. Just do it. No, wait.
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What?
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00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,000
I, uh, I said, uh... Oh, hey.
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Uh, Heaven...
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Must be missing an angel because you're
right here on Earth.
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00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,080
That's corny, but it kind of works.
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I'm Stephanie.
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And we're in.
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I'm Andy.
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Okay, now compliment her shoes.
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Guys don't do it and women love it.
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I really dig those shoes. They're so
strappy.
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00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:31,850
I've never noticed that stuff. Are you
some kind of artist?
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Actually, I did write a one -act play.
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Hey, any artist is cold. She thinks
you're gay.
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Entitled, I Really Like Naked Women Who
Wear Strappy Shoes.
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All right. All right. That's good.
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So, Andy, what do you do when you're not
writing plays?
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I'm an architect.
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Oh, really?
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Where do you work? Oh, don't answer
that.
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Unless you say the more intrigued she'll
become.
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00:07:00,870 --> 00:07:02,290
Anywhere someone needs a building.
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00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:05,270
Oh, me too.
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I'm intrigued.
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Oh, yes.
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We got the shoulder pad. She likes you.
All right, get the number and get out.
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Tell her you got a thing. Be mysterious.
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Could I get your number? I got a thing.
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go but you'd better call me now tell her
to stay beautiful and just walk away
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stay beautiful and just walk away
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00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,760
I'm still docking your pay, but I'm
proud of you.
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00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:19,620
Yeah, that Stephanie's quite a girl. Uh
-huh. But I'm not too sure about her.
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00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:21,240
She's got a few quirks.
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What are you talking about?
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I find you this really hot chick and
you're worried about a few quirks?
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00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:27,800
Quirks like what?
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00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:32,520
Okay, she insists on putting toothpaste
on my toothbrush for me.
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Come on, that's just being caring,
that's all.
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Then she flosses me.
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She's worried about your gums.
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00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,700
Then she saves the floss in a jar
labeled Pieces of Andy.
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00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,780
Okay, that's a little crazy.
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00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:54,060
Exactly. I'm just not sure it's going to
work. No, no, no. A new lesson from the
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Chick Whisperer here.
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Listen, Andy, all women are crazy.
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Really? Yes, that's just the way it is.
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00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:05,520
There's a direct relationship between
how hot a chick is and how much crazy to
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tolerate.
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She is the hottest girl I've ever dated.
Okay, then she's acceptably crazy.
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Acceptably crazy?
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00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,700
Okay, I get that. Thanks.
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00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:21,680
Thanks. Thanks, chick whisperer.
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00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:23,220
Hi,
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Andy. Whoa.
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00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,480
Jim. Hi, Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what
brings you by?
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Well, I had a sweet tooth, and I want
some Andy candy.
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I'm supposed to be someplace that's not
this place.
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So gorgeous.
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00:09:56,580 --> 00:09:59,860
Can I have something to carry around
that reminds me of you?
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00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:03,500
Oh, well, I do have some pictures of me
with Tony Danza.
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00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:09,380
Well, I was thinking of something a
little more personal, like maybe some of
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00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:10,380
your hair.
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00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,300
Okay, I guess we could take a snip of
my...
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00:10:24,810 --> 00:10:28,490
Your chest will be on mine all day.
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00:10:35,610 --> 00:10:38,910
I love you. I can't believe I just said
that. That was me, right?
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00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:46,950
Acceptably crazy.
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00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,940
I think that's doubtful. Young Andrew is
feeding on love.
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00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,260
Also, he had a bucket of chicken around
4 o 'clock at work.
167
00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:10,800
Hey, you know, he does seem really happy
lately. I don't even know what his role
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00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,880
in the family is anymore.
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00:11:12,540 --> 00:11:15,360
I gotta admit, he did a great job, Jim.
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00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:17,780
Jim? Jim who?
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00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,280
What is my pioneer name?
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00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:24,600
Great job, Chick Whisperer.
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00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:35,740
A gentleman never talks.
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00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:37,240
Come on!
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00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,200
Jim, I need to talk to you.
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00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,720
Young Andrew needs some advice.
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00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:48,800
So my advice to the matchmaker would be
try to match up something that's for
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00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,120
dinner that would fit my tummy.
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00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:54,100
Here's a hint.
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00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:56,920
Stew.
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00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:03,440
You know, stew does sound really good.
Jim's on a roll. Yeah.
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00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:05,660
Hey, bud, what's up?
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00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:07,640
I'll tell you what's up.
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00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:17,420
That's kind of sexy.
185
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:22,620
It wasn't so sexy when Stephanie left me
locked up for four hours.
186
00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:28,880
Maybe she misplaced the key. People lose
keys. Let her slide. Oh, yeah? Oh,
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00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,420
really? Should I let this slide?
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00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:39,380
This is henna. It won't come off for
weeks. Jim, isn't it still acceptably
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00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:40,380
crazy?
190
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,720
Does she cook?
191
00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:47,220
Laundry? Jim! All right, all right, all
right. All right, all right. Dump her,
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00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:50,640
dump her. You're right, that is a little
crazy. But I'm scared, Jim. What? I
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00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,940
talked her into henna. She wanted to
brand me. Oh, come on.
194
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:58,920
This is no time to panic, Andy. Oh,
really, Jim? Oh, really? So tell me,
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00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,440
me, when is the time to panic? When she
wants to hook her car battery up to my
196
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,440
boys?
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00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:07,230
I'll help you get rid of her.
198
00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:09,470
I was just so fooled.
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00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,170
I mean, she was hot.
200
00:13:11,530 --> 00:13:12,750
She liked corny.
201
00:13:13,550 --> 00:13:14,670
Drinking white wine.
202
00:13:15,270 --> 00:13:18,150
No, no, no. Her friend was drinking
white wine.
203
00:13:18,350 --> 00:13:19,710
She was drinking a Cosmo.
204
00:13:21,310 --> 00:13:22,310
A Cosmo?
205
00:13:22,730 --> 00:13:24,750
Oh, my friend, you're lucky you got out
of there alive.
206
00:13:30,990 --> 00:13:33,510
So, it's not you, it's me.
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00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:36,180
Good, good.
208
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,020
Tell her you're not ready for a
relationship right now.
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00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:41,820
And then be prepared to dodge a slap.
210
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,280
Stephanie, the Andy man's a lone wolf.
If you know anything about wolves, we
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00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:50,280
need to roam free.
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00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:54,080
This was my fault. I pushed things too
fast.
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00:13:54,860 --> 00:13:57,240
Why don't we just hang out and have lots
of sex?
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00:13:58,280 --> 00:13:59,460
Is that an option?
215
00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:01,100
Andy, it's a trick.
216
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,980
Tell her it's over, and then just walk
away.
217
00:14:05,870 --> 00:14:08,650
Steph, it's over. And just walk away.
218
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,750
What don't you get about that?
219
00:14:12,790 --> 00:14:14,050
Here's the thing, Andy.
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00:14:14,690 --> 00:14:16,590
It's not over until I say it's over.
221
00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:18,030
Jim, mayday?
222
00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:19,310
Mayday.
223
00:14:20,790 --> 00:14:27,430
You're part of me. Every word you ever
said proved it. Those weren't my words.
224
00:14:27,570 --> 00:14:28,570
They were his.
225
00:14:30,050 --> 00:14:32,590
Jim? Yeah, it's true, Stephanie.
226
00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:36,190
I told him what to say through this
little microphone here in my cup.
227
00:14:36,450 --> 00:14:37,450
What?
228
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:40,710
You didn't fall in love with Andy. You
fell in love with the words I told him
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00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:41,710
say.
230
00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:45,610
Then I love you.
231
00:14:45,870 --> 00:14:46,870
What?
232
00:14:48,390 --> 00:14:50,030
You're the man I fell in love with.
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00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,770
Well, this works for me.
234
00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:54,570
And walk away.
235
00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:02,990
Jim, no. Come on.
236
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,860
How many more ways can I apologize?
237
00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:08,700
Listen to me. The first rule of dumping
a psycho is you never leave a man
238
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:09,700
behind.
239
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,580
The important thing is you got rid of
her. Everything's fine.
240
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:16,460
Still friends, chick whisperer?
241
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,360
Hi,
242
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,200
honey. Hey.
243
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,560
Look, we have company.
244
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:29,500
Well, I'm out of here. I'll be in my
245
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:30,500
panicoon.
246
00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:39,790
have to come over and introduce yourself
to me, and then she insisted on doing
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00:15:39,790 --> 00:15:40,790
my nails.
248
00:15:41,130 --> 00:15:43,490
Well, she doesn't take no for an answer.
249
00:15:45,590 --> 00:15:47,350
Oh, well, I gotta run.
250
00:15:47,650 --> 00:15:50,330
Cheryl, it was great meeting you. Oh,
you too.
251
00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:53,670
And Jim, I'll see you later.
252
00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:09,560
out for her and Andy, though. No, I
think they hit kind of a rocky patch,
253
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:10,720
you know, those kids will work it out.
254
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:14,240
Yeah. We have those patches sometimes,
don't we, honey?
255
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:21,160
You know, while Stephanie was giving me
my manicure, she told me she's in love
256
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,160
with you.
257
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:29,580
Weird!
258
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,340
Why was she giving you a manicure?
259
00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:37,579
Sweet, actually.
260
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,060
She wants me to look pretty now that I'm
going to be single.
261
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:44,800
She said, with my looks, I shouldn't
have any trouble landing another man.
262
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,520
Which, right now, is pretty appealing.
263
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,000
Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Jim, what did
you do?
264
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,360
Nothing. I didn't do a thing. She just
jumped on me and kissed me.
265
00:16:57,940 --> 00:17:00,980
She kissed you? All right, this is one
of those times you've got to let me know
266
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:01,980
how much you know.
267
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:09,950
the chick whisperer, set my brother up
with a psycho, and now she's in love
268
00:17:09,950 --> 00:17:10,950
you.
269
00:17:12,290 --> 00:17:13,290
Okay, you're up to speed.
270
00:17:15,589 --> 00:17:21,750
Look, Cheryl, I gotta tell you, I talked
to her. You know, she's... I told her
271
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:22,750
I'm not interested.
272
00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:24,690
Well, apparently it didn't work.
273
00:17:25,030 --> 00:17:29,770
What can I do? How can I help it? I got
this charisma going for me all of a
274
00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:30,770
sudden.
275
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:37,060
I was scared.
276
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,560
And I have a PTA meeting tomorrow.
277
00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:42,780
Oh, Cheryl.
278
00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:46,480
Jim, either you get rid of her or I
will.
279
00:17:46,860 --> 00:17:47,900
Ooh, chick fight?
280
00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:49,420
No!
281
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,720
And even if there were, I wouldn't let
you watch.
282
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,460
All right, Cheryl, all right. I'll come
up with something.
283
00:17:55,780 --> 00:18:00,980
Okay. I need to put some stew in my
belly and I'll come up with a plan.
284
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:01,980
worry about it.
285
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:09,520
Go out to dinner. Get the kids.
286
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,160
No, come on. Let me find another guy.
287
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,920
I'm really good at it. I'm kind of like
a dude whisperer.
288
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,140
How about that guy right there?
289
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,100
He looks young and strong.
290
00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:22,780
A busboy?
291
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,920
A busboy with dreams.
292
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,260
He could be president one day if there
was the right woman to inspire him.
293
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:36,500
Or at least, you know, a head waiter or
a maitre d'. Nope.
294
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:37,920
Still you.
295
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:39,350
Come on.
296
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,670
You were right. He's getting nowhere.
297
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:45,550
Your nails would never look better, by
the way. Oh, thank you.
298
00:18:46,530 --> 00:18:48,350
So, you ready to out -crazy the crazy?
299
00:18:48,730 --> 00:18:50,370
Yeah, but what about Jim? He doesn't
know the plan.
300
00:18:50,590 --> 00:18:53,930
Oh, he'll catch on. I'm going in. Hey,
on your way. Check out that busboy.
301
00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:55,910
Already been there. You think I'm blind?
302
00:18:58,510 --> 00:18:59,510
I'll tell you what.
303
00:19:00,090 --> 00:19:03,950
Stephanie, I will give you $20 to go.
304
00:19:06,050 --> 00:19:07,050
Cash.
305
00:19:08,650 --> 00:19:10,910
How can I go when we're soulmates?
306
00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:12,930
Hi, Steph.
307
00:19:13,790 --> 00:19:14,790
Jim.
308
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,430
Cheryl, what are you doing here?
309
00:19:16,710 --> 00:19:18,350
Has she passed the test?
310
00:19:20,210 --> 00:19:22,690
We reject all the new girls three times.
311
00:19:22,890 --> 00:19:24,930
If they stay, then we know they're true.
312
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:30,070
You have such pretty hair.
313
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,920
You seem to know where you're going with
this.
314
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,460
It's the new girl?
315
00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:41,860
Yeah.
316
00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:47,580
You were right, wife number one. She
does have pretty hair.
317
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,700
Jim always chooses so well.
318
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:57,600
Yes, I choose well. You see, I go out
and I find attractive women and I give
319
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,620
them shirts.
320
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,380
And marry them.
321
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,740
And keep them in your basement.
322
00:20:05,710 --> 00:20:07,470
Yes, that's exactly what I do.
323
00:20:08,410 --> 00:20:11,670
I marry him and I put him in the
basement. That's what I do.
324
00:20:11,930 --> 00:20:13,910
Number two, do you have your uniform?
325
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,130
Yes.
326
00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:16,330
Welcome.
327
00:20:16,850 --> 00:20:18,250
Number eleven.
328
00:20:21,450 --> 00:20:24,930
Now, number eleven, have you had red
meat in the last two weeks?
329
00:20:25,430 --> 00:20:26,430
Yeah, why?
330
00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:30,830
Oh, well, you're going to have to be
cleansed.
331
00:20:32,410 --> 00:20:34,730
Number ten isn't going to be happy about
that.
332
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,000
Did someone say cleansed?
333
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,920
Okay, this is getting weird.
334
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,000
What's so weird about me and my sisters
being married to Jim?
335
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:55,600
Pretty hair.
336
00:20:57,260 --> 00:21:00,260
So, uh, number 11, what do you say? You
in?
337
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,340
And walk away.
338
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,920
Cosmo. No surprise there.
25673
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