Original subtitles

Bernice? Uh, Andy said you guys met at Collier's. Did you go there often? Every

other Tuesday.

It's DMV employee night, so the whole gang goes down there.

Oh.

Well, they make you stand at the bar for 40 minutes and then tell you you don't

have the right form for the drink?

Our average wait

time is 18 minutes.

Bernice, may I offer you more coffee? Actually, Bernice has a serious bladder

issue.

Found that out at the drive -in.

Hey, guys. I'm so sorry. I fell asleep with the girls. It could be chronic

fatigue or depression.

I have both.

Hi, I'm Dana.

Bernice. Sorry, my arm fell asleep.

It's all right. We all wanted to do that.

Dana! Oh, my God. Bernice, are you okay?

I've got temporal mandibular syndrome.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we should call it a night. Thanks, Andy.

You are so kind.

Yeah.

See ya.

Andy, what are you doing? Dating some DMV chick?

I thought your low point was when your mail order bride left you to go back to

her war -torn homeland.

She didn't leave me. They called up her unit.

Andy,

would you just let me set you up with Connie from our yoga class? You guys

a lot in common.

You can't put two desperate losers together and expect something to happen.

Yeah.

Connie is not a loser.

Cheryl, putting people together is an art. It's a science. It's an art

if you will.

You need someone with wisdom and experience to help you find the right

Okay, and let me guess. That someone is you.

You don't have to guess. It is me.

Listen to me.

I come from a long tradition, all right? The early settlers used to call us...

Chick whisperers.

We thrived on this continent for centuries.

And then when they cut down all the forests, we kind of migrated into the

singles bars.

Well, whatever I'm doing now isn't working. What do I got to lose?

50 pounds and a porn addiction?

Andy, Jim does not know what he's talking about. What? I'm very good at...

the matchmaker.

Matchmaker? Just because you can put a shirt and pants together doesn't make

a matchmaker.

Hey, hey, hey, Andy.

Think about it. Would you rather take advice from a guy who married up or a

woman who married down?

Sorry, sis.

So, I just talk into this button on my cuff and you'll hear me? Yeah. Yeah, see

here. Got the receiver in my ear here.

It'll pick up everything.

Bud, test it out.

Hello, Chicago. Are you ready to rock?

Stupid jerk.

Come on. Stay focused here.

You want to find a woman of quality or not? Yeah, of course. All right.

Okay, okay.

Check out the redhead behind me.

Pretty? No Adam's apple? I'm seeing green lights.

Wrong, wrong. What's she drinking? What's she drinking?

Lemon drop martini. Right.

High maintenance.

We want to find a girl who's drinking white wine.

Yes, yes, yes. White wine.

Educated and unpretentious.

Oh, oh, oh, Jim, Jim, look. How about her?

You got a good eye, but she's chewing pretty hard on that straw. I mean, she's

an angry woman.

Do you want an angry woman?

Sometimes it's nice.

Bingo.

Hot chick right there in the red top.

Oh, but she's gorgeous. Way out of my league.

You want me to help you? Or do you want to drive down to the train yard and find

a girl who's rubbing her hands over a burning trash can?

Sometimes it's nice. All right.

All right. Now just follow my instructions.

Be confident.

Can you hear me?

Yes. Okay.

Now, put your hand over your head.

Smell your armpit.

Now, turn around and adjust your crotch.

Tim! I thought you were helping me. All right, all right.

Okay. Let's start with a compliment.

Okay.

You look great in those pants, Jim.

Girl. Girl.

Say something like, uh... Heaven must be missing an angel tonight because you're

right here on Earth.

I'm not saying that. That's corny. Corny is good.

Women love corny. Just do it. No, wait.

What?

I, uh, I said, uh... Oh, hey.

Uh, Heaven...

Must be missing an angel because you're right here on Earth.

That's corny, but it kind of works.

I'm Stephanie.

And we're in.

I'm Andy.

Okay, now compliment her shoes.

Guys don't do it and women love it.

I really dig those shoes. They're so strappy.

I've never noticed that stuff. Are you some kind of artist?

Actually, I did write a one -act play.

Hey, any artist is cold. She thinks you're gay.

Entitled, I Really Like Naked Women Who Wear Strappy Shoes.

All right. All right. That's good.

So, Andy, what do you do when you're not writing plays?

I'm an architect.

Oh, really?

Where do you work? Oh, don't answer that.

Unless you say the more intrigued she'll become.

Anywhere someone needs a building.

Oh, me too.

I'm intrigued.

Oh, yes.

We got the shoulder pad. She likes you. All right, get the number and get out.

Tell her you got a thing. Be mysterious.

Could I get your number? I got a thing.

go but you'd better call me now tell her to stay beautiful and just walk away

stay beautiful and just walk away

I'm still docking your pay, but I'm proud of you.

Yeah, that Stephanie's quite a girl. Uh -huh. But I'm not too sure about her.

She's got a few quirks.

What are you talking about?

I find you this really hot chick and you're worried about a few quirks?

Quirks like what?

Okay, she insists on putting toothpaste on my toothbrush for me.

Come on, that's just being caring, that's all.

Then she flosses me.

She's worried about your gums.

Then she saves the floss in a jar labeled Pieces of Andy.

Okay, that's a little crazy.

Exactly. I'm just not sure it's going to work. No, no, no. A new lesson from the

Chick Whisperer here.

Listen, Andy, all women are crazy.

Really? Yes, that's just the way it is.

There's a direct relationship between how hot a chick is and how much crazy to

tolerate.

She is the hottest girl I've ever dated. Okay, then she's acceptably crazy.

Acceptably crazy?

Okay, I get that. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks, chick whisperer.

Hi,

Andy. Whoa.

Jim. Hi, Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what brings you by?

Well, I had a sweet tooth, and I want some Andy candy.

I'm supposed to be someplace that's not this place.

So gorgeous.

Can I have something to carry around that reminds me of you?

Oh, well, I do have some pictures of me with Tony Danza.

Well, I was thinking of something a little more personal, like maybe some of

your hair.

Okay, I guess we could take a snip of my...

Your chest will be on mine all day.

I love you. I can't believe I just said that. That was me, right?

Acceptably crazy.

I think that's doubtful. Young Andrew is feeding on love.

Also, he had a bucket of chicken around 4 o 'clock at work.

Hey, you know, he does seem really happy lately. I don't even know what his role

in the family is anymore.

I gotta admit, he did a great job, Jim.

Jim? Jim who?

What is my pioneer name?

Great job, Chick Whisperer.

A gentleman never talks.

Come on!

Jim, I need to talk to you.

Young Andrew needs some advice.

So my advice to the matchmaker would be try to match up something that's for

dinner that would fit my tummy.

Here's a hint.

Stew.

You know, stew does sound really good. Jim's on a roll. Yeah.

Hey, bud, what's up?

I'll tell you what's up.

That's kind of sexy.

It wasn't so sexy when Stephanie left me locked up for four hours.

Maybe she misplaced the key. People lose keys. Let her slide. Oh, yeah? Oh,

really? Should I let this slide?

This is henna. It won't come off for weeks. Jim, isn't it still acceptably

crazy?

Does she cook?

Laundry? Jim! All right, all right, all right. All right, all right. Dump her,

dump her. You're right, that is a little crazy. But I'm scared, Jim. What? I

talked her into henna. She wanted to brand me. Oh, come on.

This is no time to panic, Andy. Oh, really, Jim? Oh, really? So tell me,

me, when is the time to panic? When she wants to hook her car battery up to my

boys?

I'll help you get rid of her.

I was just so fooled.

I mean, she was hot.

She liked corny.

Drinking white wine.

No, no, no. Her friend was drinking white wine.

She was drinking a Cosmo.

A Cosmo?

Oh, my friend, you're lucky you got out of there alive.

So, it's not you, it's me.

Good, good.

Tell her you're not ready for a relationship right now.

And then be prepared to dodge a slap.

Stephanie, the Andy man's a lone wolf. If you know anything about wolves, we

need to roam free.

This was my fault. I pushed things too fast.

Why don't we just hang out and have lots of sex?

Is that an option?

Andy, it's a trick.

Tell her it's over, and then just walk away.

Steph, it's over. And just walk away.

What don't you get about that?

Here's the thing, Andy.

It's not over until I say it's over.

Jim, mayday?

Mayday.

You're part of me. Every word you ever said proved it. Those weren't my words.

They were his.

Jim? Yeah, it's true, Stephanie.

I told him what to say through this little microphone here in my cup.

What?

You didn't fall in love with Andy. You fell in love with the words I told him

say.

Then I love you.

What?

You're the man I fell in love with.

Well, this works for me.

And walk away.

Jim, no. Come on.

How many more ways can I apologize?

Listen to me. The first rule of dumping a psycho is you never leave a man

behind.

The important thing is you got rid of her. Everything's fine.

Still friends, chick whisperer?

Hi,

honey. Hey.

Look, we have company.

Well, I'm out of here. I'll be in my

panicoon.

have to come over and introduce yourself to me, and then she insisted on doing

my nails.

Well, she doesn't take no for an answer.

Oh, well, I gotta run.

Cheryl, it was great meeting you. Oh, you too.

And Jim, I'll see you later.

out for her and Andy, though. No, I think they hit kind of a rocky patch,

you know, those kids will work it out.

Yeah. We have those patches sometimes, don't we, honey?

You know, while Stephanie was giving me my manicure, she told me she's in love

with you.

Weird!

Why was she giving you a manicure?

Sweet, actually.

She wants me to look pretty now that I'm going to be single.

She said, with my looks, I shouldn't have any trouble landing another man.

Which, right now, is pretty appealing.

Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Jim, what did you do?

Nothing. I didn't do a thing. She just jumped on me and kissed me.

She kissed you? All right, this is one of those times you've got to let me know

how much you know.

the chick whisperer, set my brother up with a psycho, and now she's in love

you.

Okay, you're up to speed.

Look, Cheryl, I gotta tell you, I talked to her. You know, she's... I told her

I'm not interested.

Well, apparently it didn't work.

What can I do? How can I help it? I got this charisma going for me all of a

sudden.

I was scared.

And I have a PTA meeting tomorrow.

Oh, Cheryl.

Jim, either you get rid of her or I will.

Ooh, chick fight?

No!

And even if there were, I wouldn't let you watch.

All right, Cheryl, all right. I'll come up with something.

Okay. I need to put some stew in my belly and I'll come up with a plan.

worry about it.

Go out to dinner. Get the kids.

No, come on. Let me find another guy.

I'm really good at it. I'm kind of like a dude whisperer.

How about that guy right there?

He looks young and strong.

A busboy?

A busboy with dreams.

He could be president one day if there was the right woman to inspire him.

Or at least, you know, a head waiter or a maitre d'. Nope.

Still you.

Come on.

You were right. He's getting nowhere.

Your nails would never look better, by the way. Oh, thank you.

So, you ready to out -crazy the crazy?

Yeah, but what about Jim? He doesn't know the plan.

Oh, he'll catch on. I'm going in. Hey, on your way. Check out that busboy.

Already been there. You think I'm blind?

I'll tell you what.

Stephanie, I will give you $20 to go.

Cash.

How can I go when we're soulmates?

Hi, Steph.

Jim.

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

Has she passed the test?

We reject all the new girls three times.

If they stay, then we know they're true.

You have such pretty hair.

You seem to know where you're going with this.

It's the new girl?

Yeah.

You were right, wife number one. She does have pretty hair.

Jim always chooses so well.

Yes, I choose well. You see, I go out and I find attractive women and I give

them shirts.

And marry them.

And keep them in your basement.

Yes, that's exactly what I do.

I marry him and I put him in the basement. That's what I do.

Number two, do you have your uniform?

Yes.

Welcome.

Number eleven.

Now, number eleven, have you had red meat in the last two weeks?

Yeah, why?

Oh, well, you're going to have to be cleansed.

Number ten isn't going to be happy about that.

Did someone say cleansed?

Okay, this is getting weird.

What's so weird about me and my sisters being married to Jim?

Pretty hair.

So, uh, number 11, what do you say? You in?

And walk away.

Cosmo. No surprise there.