All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s05e05_the_race

All right, stop.

Okay.

Now try walking.

All right.

What are you girls doing?

Daddy's showing us what it's like to be
drunk.

They ask questions, I have answers.

Pretty yucky, huh?

I'll have another one.

Time for you girls to do your homework.

I can't do my homework till the room
stops spinning.

Well, welcome to college. Come on, let's
go.

And up, two, three, and down, two,

three.

Are you wearing a thong, two, three?

You want me to chafe, two, three?

I'm beat.

How can you be beat? We haven't even
started running yet. This is just a warm

-up. Oh, I'm plenty warm. Feel between
my thighs.

You're right. You can cook a duck in
there.

What did I tell you?

Besides, we ran five miles yesterday.

Oh, come on, Andy. We drove four and a
half miles to the park. In the next half

mile, we walked to a popsicle stand.
Let's go. Come on. All right. Let me

see who's on Ellen first. We're not
going to be watching Ellen. We're going

go run.

Is that that hot chick from Lost?

Well, I can't run now. All the blood ran
out of my legs.

Hey, there's my young boy. How was
basketball practice?

Oh, he looked so cute in his uniform.

How did he play?

He looked so cute in his uniform.

Yeah, I don't think basketball's his
game. He got a little frustrated and

had to put him in the penalty box.

There's no penalty box in basketball.

There was today.

Football's too hard. I want to quit.

Okay, baby.

If you don't like it, I guess you don't
have to play anymore.

Thanks, Mommy.

Excuse me, Mommy. I don't recall Daddy
signing off on Kyle quitting basketball.

Jim, you heard him. He doesn't like it.

Well, I don't like your sister, but I
don't quit the family.

Cheryl, look, I know you don't like me
undercutting your authority in front of

the kids, so let's go in the kitchen so
I can undercut your authority in there.

Let's go.

Cheryl.

Yeah.

You want it back?

Sure.

Kyle signed up for a season of
basketball.

He is going to finish and complete a
season of basketball.

Jim, he doesn't want to play.

I don't want to be one of those
controlling parents who makes their kids

sorts of things they don't want to do.

What are you, new in town? That's what
parenting is, honey.

Jim. What? You heard him. He doesn't
like basketball.

No, he didn't say he didn't like
basketball.

He said it was hard, and that's not the
reason to quit.

I mean, it may be okay for you guys, but
I'm trying to raise a man here.

Excuse me?

No, I don't think I will excuse you.

No, absolutely not.

Men don't quit.

When things get tough, they try harder.
That's the way God made us. That's why

he doesn't let your kind be president.

Richard Nixon quit.

He resigned.

That's totally different.

Besides, if he really wanted to quit,
Pat wouldn't have let him.

Well, maybe you should have married Pat
Nixon.

Believe me, she was a handsome woman.

But sadly, that ship has left the
harbor.

Kyle, you're sticking with basketball.

Because when men make a commitment to
this family, they stick with it.

Twitter's made such a big deal about
jogging every day. Have you even gone

Oh, have you no idea? I clocked five
miles yesterday, right, Andy? Shh.

Ellen got the lost chick to dance.

You go lost.

Wow.

Man, if you guys ran five miles
yesterday, you must be in pretty good

Look at me.

My pants are hanging off me.

I even went down a whole hat size.

To be fair, that's where you had the
most fat to lose.

You know, since you're so fit, maybe you
should run the Oak Park 10K with Dana.

That is a great idea to race next week.

Finishing 10K should be no problem for
you, what with your super slim head and

all.

You can finish, can't you, Dana?

You bet I can, Kyle.

Because I'm not a quitter.

Cool. Cool.

Cool.

Daddy, can I come watch you run the
race? Yes, you can.

I'm going to need you there to cheer me
on, son.

And probably a paramedic.

You little sissy girl.

You got three days till the big race.
Push it like you got a pair.

I'm exhausted.

Tired from dragging this thing out here
in the first place.

Hey, we're simulating race conditions.

Uh -oh! Here comes a gravel truck!

9K? 5K. What?

All right, 4K. Really, 3 .2.

How far is 10K anyway?

About six miles.

I thought a K was like a block.

Stupid metric system.

Remind me to write a letter to Europe.

Will do, but we're still waiting for
their reply to your letter about soccer

being gay.

I'm not going to be able to finish this
race.

What am I going to do when I have to
tell Kyle I've got to quit?

Well, me being like you, one chili fry
away from the almighty, I saw this

coming. I've got a plan, okay?

Now, it is foolproof, but ethically,
it's a little shaky.

That just means it's really good. Come
on, let me hear it.

Here is a map of the race.

Now, when the race begins, you go about
a third of the way. Okay. Then when no

one's around, you take a shortcut
through Miss Tan.

Miss Tan, so what's that?

Vietnamese nail salon. Top drawer.
Mention my name.

Now, you can't just cut through. You'd
finish the race too soon, right?

Right. Okay, so once you're inside, you
kick it for a bit.

Say about a half hour.

Then you sneak out the back, go down the
alley, join the race, finish the last

few blocks.

No one's the wiser.

Brilliant, Andy.

By cheating, I teach Kyle about not
quitting.

He'll never know the difference.

Yeah, kids are stupid.

Oh,

my

boy.

for me to whoop your butt, Sally?

You know what, Dana? I never said that I
could beat you.

I said that I would finish.

And I will. Oh, please.

You couldn't finish if the last mile was
downhill, covered in Vaseline, and the

finish line was made out of ham.

Would you like to make it interesting,
girl?

Okay.

Let's say if you make it, I'll do the
loser dance.

And if you don't, you do the gym dance,
which is pretty much the same thing.

Deal.

Runners, on your mark, get set, go!

Yeah, I said keep going.

A few more minutes, I'll be sitting on
my ass, suckers.

That was weird.

Afterwards, I'm going to go across the
street and get some highlights and

wags.

You get treatment here, or you get out.

It's cool.

I know Andy.

Then you have to pay up front.

All right.

Fine.

I'll have whatever she's having.

Many petty. Twenty bucks.

You have to clean up your eyebrows much
longer.

Just do the nails.

My wife said this was supposed to be
relaxing.

I thought you were proud of me.

The roast beef?

Well, if you think I've earned it.

Thank you.

What's that look about?

If you want a sandwich, put it on the
table.

you the truth.

You know, it feels good to know that an
underdog can come out of nowhere and

still shock the world.

That's what I love about this country.

So I say to you, Cheryl, I say to you,
God bless America.

being a man that men don't quit.

You didn't teach him anything. You
cheated.

He's not going to know that.

There's a little boy in that kitchen
right now spreading mustard on a lie.

menacing witches.

I have known this man for years and I
can vouch for his sturdy character.

Come, James.

Let's leave these magpies to their idle
chatter.

Let it go, Andy. He gave you up.

As I would have him.

walk in the trail that I blazed.

But there's only one set of footprints.
Why?

Because I'm carrying him.

Your toes look like mommy's. Yeah, yeah.

There's another commitment in this room
that needs to be finished.

Aunt Dana owes us a loser dance.

No way!

Uh, Dana, technically he did finish.

loser. What do you think, Kyle?

One more time. Yeah.

It's time to feel it, baby.

I'm a loser.

I'm a loser.

This is called the loser dance.

And so I went around the last turn, and
my legs were saying, quit, Kyle.

not a quitter i've got to finish if not
for me for me boy kyle

so against all odds i finished the end

well thank you for coming to show and
tell today now would anyone like to ask

kyle's dad a question can i please wear
your medal no next question

Well, your daddy's probably jealous
because me being a hero and all.

What does your daddy do for a living?

Fireman.

Yeah, well, see what I mean?

Yeah.

Any more questions?

Mm -hmm.

My mommy says you quit the race early
and took a shortcut so people wouldn't

find out.

Yeah, well, your mommy drinks.

to teach you a lesson, see, so that
makes everything okay.

I told you Kyle would find out.

Cheryl. There he is. The crater with one
giant eyebrow.

I should have sent him through the deli.
He would have never napped in there.

I said I'd finish, and I finished. You
did.

I did. You did.

That's hot coffee.

I know, but for me, it's freezing out
here.

Cheryl, how did you know I'd be out
here?

Oh, baby, your life is a lot like this
race.

It takes a little while, but eventually
you get there.

Well, you know, if I'm going to talk the
talk with Kyle, I've got to be able to

walk the walk. Yeah, or crawl the crawl.

I really don't want to get home, but I
got to make one stop.

No, baby, I got donuts in the car.

You know what? I love you for that.

But that's not what I love.

Hi, good morning.

Look, this belongs to you.

I cheated.

No kidding.

How did you know?

You won.