Original subtitles

Come on!

You're one of the highest paid players in the league.

Hustle, throw some elbows, drop some blood.

I hate women's basketball.

Oh, you loaded all those groceries already?

No, no, no. I subcontracted that job out.

No, no, Jim, not the kids. Of course the kids. It's time they learned to respect

hard work.

Oh.

Only about 200.

Remember,

we're helping the homeless.

Why can't they do this for themselves?

It's not like they have jobs.

Yeah. All right, make way. We got ribs from Stevie B's.

Look at this. One more punch, Cheryl, and we get a free suckling pig.

Hey, what are you doing here?

We gotta eat here. Why can't you do this in your office?

Jim, a hallway with a washing machine is not an office.

We got a whole system set up. We are not moving. Fine. You help the homeless in

here, and Andy and I will feed the hungry in there.

I already had a half a slab of Stevie B's in the car, but I think I still

qualify. Sure.

Oh, great. More charity stuff.

Well, it's all right. We need something to soak up the grease.

Did my baby blues deceive me, or is this a letter from Playboy?

What?

Dressed as Cheryl?

You are one lucky dog.

A wife who reads Playboy.

She doesn't read Playboy.

Who does?

Oh, no, wait a minute. This isn't from Playboy the magazine. It's from the

Playboy Foundation.

Oh, right. They help out charities all over the country.

Hot.

Why? It's Playboy.

Wow, it looks like Cheryl's been nominated.

as one of the women who care in Chicago.

Oh, fun, there's an essay contest.

Jim, if she wins, she gets honored with a dinner at the Playboy Mansion hosted

by Hef himself.

Give me that.

Oh, my God, that's one of my lifelong dreams is to smoke a cigar with Hef.

Actually, it's my only dream now that I rode that ostrich.

Well, keep dreaming. There's no way Cheryl's going to enter a contest for

Playboy. We don't tell her it's for Playboy. We tell her it's, uh... I don't

know, what's the female equivalent to Playboy?

Well, there's Oprah's mag.

Geared towards the urban professional.

There's Cosmo, of course.

Still the standard to which others aspire.

And I guess in style. Popular, but a little shallow.

I mean, how would I know?

Cheryl!

Hey, Cheryl, check this out.

Good housekeeping is honoring women who work for charities.

All you got to do is write an essay on why you do what you do. Oh, no, thanks,

honey. That's not really for me.

Are you kidding me?

Come on. If you win, you get to go to a black tie event at the Good

Housekeeping Club.

You may even meet the housekeeper of the month.

I don't do my charity work to get recognized.

My rewards come from the inside.

I don't follow.

Okay, um, okay, like in church, I don't need to stand on the pew and drop $5

into the collection plate one quarter at a time.

You see, that's the beauty of nickels. From a distance, they look like

Cheryl, come on! One little essay!

There goes your cigar with Hef. But hey, maybe you can smoke one with the

ostrich.

Oh, no.

There's going to be a cigar with Hef.

Because there's going to be an essay written by a woman in Chicago who cares.

And that woman is moi.

You certainly have the chest for it.

Andy, remember, a woman is writing this, so the spelling has got to be perfect.

Okay.

My name is Cheryl, and I like helping people.

I first realized I was a nurturer when

I noticed my own budding breasts.

The ladies don't talk like that.

How would you know how a woman talks?

I spend a lot of time in female chat rooms.

I'm Barbara 48DD.

Well, what would you do, Babs?

I don't know.

What's in it for me?

Don't you get it?

Sometimes you just help people just for the sake of helping.

That's good. Type that.

I'll type it when I hear my invitation to the Playboy Mansion.

What are you talking about?

Come on, Jim. If this wins, Cheryl's never going to go. Take me with you.

I want to meet Half.

There's been three great ideas since the beginning of mankind.

Fire, the wheel, and Playboy.

All right, all right, you can go. Well, help me write this thing. Okay, okay,

gladly. You type.

Let me just get into Cheryl's mind here.

Jim, stop it.

Andy. Jim, not now.

Stop it. Go away. Stop it. Children are in the room. Andy.

Come on.

Hello, I'm Cheryl, and I'm a Taurus.

Turn -ons, kittens, and helping the homeless.

Turn -offs, war, and people who don't say thank you.

Andy, Andy.

What? Slow down. This is gold.

Here's my mail boy.

Can I go play the raking leaves game?

You bet. But remember, the leaves don't turn into chocolate unless you get every

one of them.

Andy.

Living room. News.

From the bunny.

The bunny? The bunny. Bunny?

Open it. Open it. I want to see it. Get off my back. You're like a koala. Get

off me.

write the essay I thought was kind of sleazy and dishonest. So I wrote it!

Crap! Oh, come on, what are you kidding? You still get to go? Sweet! Sweet,

sweet, sweet!

Hello!

What are you guys doing?

Um, what's it look like?

Two silverback gorillas fighting over a banana.

Well, we were, uh, dancing.

Come on, you're the one who always says that men should dance together more.

I never said that.

Come on, Cheryl, like I'd make that up.

Open.

All right, you know what, baby? Your tongue's getting dry. Go get Gracie.

Cheryl!

Why didn't you tell me you're being honored as one of the women who care in

Chicago?

Didn't write any essay.

Certainly didn't send in a picture of myself in a bikini.

At age 20.

Kate, that's Sandy.

Honey, I'm going bowling.

Good night. Gotta go.

Okay, sweetie.

Jim? Yeah?

You know anything about me being honored at a black time?

Congratulations. Come on.

Okay.

Either Andy's wearing a tux or there's a fat penguin driving his car.

You know, I've heard about those fat penguins.

Well, they can't fly, so they steal cars.

You know, maybe we should invite Andy in.

Yeah. Well, I'm not sure.

Get out of your tux. Get out of your tux.

Who is this?

This is Jim. Who else are you thinking of? Get out of your tux now. Take it

Roger that.

Get out of that car.

Ow. Ow.

Hey. Quit firming.

Oh, ow. That's my gear.

Hey, Jim.

Hey. You ready for elegant pants? Bowling night?

Just about.

Jim, I just don't understand why you keep trying to trick me. I always see

through it. Yeah, I'm seeing through something else. Can we put the pants

on?

I just think that, you know, you deserve to get recognition for all your good

works.

You're shy.

Why would you even do this?

Well, I'm sure this has nothing to do with it, but the dinner's going to be

at the Playboy Mansion, and it's being hosted by Hugh Hefner.

It is?

Hugh Hefner? Is that one of our new music stars?

You know what bothers me the most? It's not this ridiculous plan.

giving you this award. They're going to honor you.

There should be someone there to accept it.

Oh, maybe you're right.

I guess someone should be there. Yes!

Get your pants. We're going to meet you.

Not you two.

Me and Dana.

Why Dana?

Because she's not you.

Two chicks. What a waste.

This doesn't even mean... anything to you. No, but it means something to you.

Fine. Go!

I don't care.

We'll hang out here.

We'll watch the Playboy channel.

This is so wrong.

I'm not going to let them meet up while I sit here and wonder how far up you

waxed your legs.

Brazilian.

I feel all tingly all over.

That's because your tux is too tight.

Okay, now just pretend like you know what you're doing. Right.

What are you doing? No idea, ask him.

Ah, we're with the band.

The Southside Boys Choir?

That's us.

I may just be an $8 an hour rent -a -cop, but even I'm not buying that.

$8 an hour? Mm -hmm.

Hey, look, why don't you take the next half hour off on me?

Sir, you're going to need tickets.

All right.

Can I have my four bucks back?

What four bucks?

Heads up, heads up, heads up.

Molly,

so do you work for the magazine?

You know, I did. I used to model, but now I work in a doctor's office. Oh, I

just married a doctor.

Gynecologist, actually. Oh, you know what? I'm actually looking for you. No

chance in hell, Molly.

Oh, look.

That's my cigar.

That's my half.

Right this way, everyone.

Excuse me, Mrs. Polson. Are these folks with you?

Yes, they're guests of the Union Street Mission.

The mission. Yes, of course. Right this way.

The mission.

Yes, of course.

Just a minute, you two.

If you're looking for Mrs. Polson, she's at table five.

Could you spare anything for a couple of guys down on their luck?

Sorry, man, I don't have any singles.

You do, too. I know for a fact that you... God bless you, sir.

I mean, I'm not trying to tell you how to run your magazine.

No, I'll bring it up with my editor.

Maybe recipes are a good idea.

Mr. Hefner, I'd like you to meet two of our guests from the mission.

Well, it's a pleasure.

I hope you're having a good time. Oh, yes, absolutely. This is a dream come

true.

Hey, Hef, let me ask you a question.

What is your secret?

Well, for me, rule number one is never lie to a woman.

Same here.

What are you doing here?

Well, we're here to honor you, Cheryl, right?

You know what? This woman turned my life around, Hef.

Before I met her, I was cold and alone, and she fed me and clothed me and... Is

that a Cohiba?

Yes, it is.

I'll get you one.

Honestly, I'm stunned right now. I know. That's giving me a cigar.

Oh, I can't believe what you just do, too.

Oh, come on. I did three worse things this week.

Sure. Tonight.

Jim gave the clothes off his back to a hobo. You know who I think should be

honored here this evening?

This man. Me. Nay.

Why, thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see how charitable these girls really

are.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet tonight's honorees.

Our first winner is from Help for the Homeless.

Cheryl, would you come up and read your essay?

I have to read it?

Don't worry about it. Rufo, homeless people, open bar, easy crowd. Come on.

Are you okay?

Maybe something alive in my shirt.

Cheryl's essay is a little unusual.

It was written by her husband, Jim, because, in his words, she was too

do it herself.

Is that, uh...

Cigar coming all the way from Cuba?

Oh, right.

You picked over.

Do you ever wonder if some people are just born with a little extra

good inside?

Well, that's my wife, Cheryl.

She makes her world a better place just by being in it.

Just ask the Robbins family from the South Side.

Six months ago, Ray and Cindy didn't have a roof over their heads.

And little Cory and Rosie didn't have a place to go to school.

Now they do.

Because Cheryl ran bake sales and car washes and stuffed envelopes and made

phone calls until she raised enough money to help them.

And she didn't just give the family a house.

She gave them hope.

And I can tell you the same story about the Garcia family, or the Franklin

family, or even my family.

With all her charity work, Cheryl still has room in that big, beautiful heart to

take care of her three children.

Four, if you include me.

You'd think she'd want credit for everything she does.

Not Cheryl.

She says her rewards come from the inside.

There's a word for someone like that.

Please forward this on to the people at the contest.

I really want to meet Hef.

If honorable mention is a subscription to the magazine, that's cool, too.

Quite a woman.

Yeah, you'd think her husband would be here.

Well, he's probably in surgery. He's a world -renowned doctor.

They'd match me, wouldn't you?

It's a new detergent.

I'm just so sick of all the hunky guys

in town.

I'd love just once to go out with somebody smart, like maybe an architect.

Hey, I'm an architect.

I went to Stanford, I swear.

No, I own my own home.

Honest to God.

Nice job, ladies.

Okay, now in 20 minutes, walk by and say your fantasy is a large man with two

sisters because guys like that really understand women.

Even if you did write it just to meet half.

Well, that's the thing.

I don't really get my rewards from the inside.

I'm telling you. But sure, I got to know.

Getting a little credit feels good.

Yeah, it really does. I knew it.

And you know, since you know me so well, you probably know how much it would

mean to me if you would help out at the soup kitchen next week.

Absolutely. Glad to do it. Sure, sure. I learned that it's not about... What I

get, it's about helping others.

Wow.

What's the soup?

Oh.

Wow, Cheryl.

The giving never stops.