Original subtitles

Oh, Andy, I am so excited for Cheryl to see this.

I don't know what's more shocking, that you remembered your anniversary or that

you didn't just buy a gift at the gas station on the way home.

Andy, you can only get away with that once.

Cheryl, for once, let me be the first to say, happy anniversary.

Oh, my God.

You remember?

Yeah, yeah. Wow, how'd you fit five sticks of beef jerky in that little box?

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

So, where's mine?

In the driveway?

Or the bedroom?

Not even close. No, huh?

Dana, you want to help me with dinner? Sure.

Okay.

You think she knows how much that cost?

She will in a second. I left the price tag on the box.

Nice. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Jim remembered her anniversary and I didn't. Meh.

So you did one bad thing. Jim's still ahead by 8 ,694.

There's no way I can go out there without a present.

Oh, I can't believe I forgot our anniversary.

I can't believe you're still having them.

but it is from the heart.

Happy anniversary.

Wow.

This is all for me? Just for you.

Wow, look at this.

Uh -huh.

There I am.

I used to be so thin.

That's Cheryl.

Well, we have similar features, and I own the same tub.

Oh, look at Kyle.

He's so cute in his little stroller.

happened to that stroller?

You know, I've seen Cheryl do this before.

She just presses a button and the whole thing collapses.

We're not the most graceful family. No.

Oh, I remember my first dance recital. I was nine, and I danced just...

great. Yeah.

thing. I just finished gutting a fish.

That's my wife. Hard on the bass and easy on the eyes.

Cheryl, what are you doing in here wearing that sexy outfit? You're driving

crazy.

Jim, it's a sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Ponytail, ponytail.

Cheryl,

do you want a pole to do?

Right down the hall.

Oh, keep talking, keep talking, keep talking.

Did you go to the ballet?

Yeah, I wanted to think I was cultured so I could tune in Tokyo, you know?

Honey, can I talk to you in the other room? No, I'm not going in the other

with you.

To talk?

So you can appeal to my emotions? No way, I'm smarter than that.

I'm in the mood for a quickie.

how much I love you, I'm giving you a special present.

Yes!

No, Jim, no, no, no, no, no.

Some guys can have sex when they're upset.

I am one of those guys.

Where's Cheryl?

In the bedroom.

Yes!

Okay, okay, here, here, here. Uh, girls, uh, Aunt Dina's gonna take you out for

some ice cream. Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go. What?

I need some alone time with your sister.

Want to have sex?

Yeah.

That's good to know.

Wow, 14 years. Yeah.

How have you put up with me for so long?

Truth is, I'm just too tired to start over with anyone new.

What's that?

Well, I guess this is as good a time to tell you as any.

This is a book.

do anything perfect i married you i'm kidding that is

a cheap shot cheryl i am storing that one oh you mean where your hair used to

come on there is a fire in this belly yeah good luck putting that out

hey cheryl you've got to make one of those for us yeah we'll get right on

See, this is why better -looking guys didn't marry you.

Wow, look at Ruby, dressed up as a lady pilgrim. Oh, we have had some wonderful

Thanksgiving. Yeah, some pretty weird ones, too.

Okay,

it's the first Thanksgiving, and you turn to the pilgrims and you sing...

and fish, corn and fish, we have brought our favorite dish.

Welcome to the new...

that from, Gracie? Uncle Andy put it in.

He said we had to send a message to Whitey.

Nothing like a brush with death to put you in the mood for fine English

pictures as me. That's because you take up twice as much of the frame.

Hey, hey, hey, all right. Can we just act like adults for once? Sure.

I'll give you five bucks if you touch that lady's head.

Yes, I do. Well,

how would you feel if I pulled it up over your head?

You wouldn't dare.

Not in a public place.

We'll see about that.

Well played.

By the way, I've been spitting in your coffee the entire cruise.

Please, I knew you'd do that, so I've been switching it with your coffee.

Damn it!

I drank my own spit.

That's playing.

You know what used to help me with numbers and stuff?

It's like a rhyme or a song or something like that. Give me a beat. Give me a

beat. Give me a beat.

My name is 18.

Sweetheart, let me help you here.

Here, just pick it up.

Here, just let it go.

Now, remember, if you do a good job with the game, I'm going to give you a whole

dollar.

Can I get a lollipop, too?

All right.

But it's going to come out of your dollar.

Take off your snow clothes. Come here, Kyle. Let me take off your coat here.

make a mess when have we ever made a mess will you take it easy oh

my god it's gone all right i'll get you a

new one it's a 300 beard well i'm not gonna pay 300

When am I not nice?

Please.

And, Dana, will you ever have a baby? Oh, of course I will, sweetie.

But what if you don't? What did I just say? Now get off my back.

Hey, Jim, why don't you lie down on the couch so we can pretend it's your

funeral?

Oh, no, we can't. There's too many people here.

You have the luxury of being yourself because you're married beneath.

None taken. I'm married up.

I love our bed. I don't want to give up our mattress.

To be fair, she's already given up her career, her ambition, and her dignity.

One day she would finally screw up. You're right again.

Yeah, you know more about women than anyone else.

Yes, I have a master's degree in chicology.

It's not a natural thing for men to get married.

It just isn't.

I mean, you know, it's the cave women that came up with that.

Because they didn't know how to start fires, you see.

That's the truth. And then man created the wheel to get away.

thing in this room that i picked not one thing look anything there no anything

here no look bonsai tree yours dust ruffle yours duvet

yours and the fact that i even know those words makes my skin

bugs now.

Come on, all we got is we lift heavy objects in sports.

We have sports?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got sports.

You can have your synchronized swimming.

And that thing in the Olympics where they, you know, dance around with a

on a stick.

Which, by the way, is not a sport.

What do you mean it's not a sport? Well, call Vegas. Put a bet on it.

And women sometimes send some crazy messages.

Like your sleeve is not a Kleenex.

Exactly!

I'm damn lucky you're here to set me straight. I know, that's what I've been

telling your mother.

Every time I screw up, we have to sit down and have one of these feelings

All right, but when you screw up, we just want to let it go?

No, I don't want to let it go. I want to have a feelings talk right now.

I want to say the things to you that you say to me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

What were you thinking?

I am at the end of my road.

Happy anniversary.

Thank you.

You know what?

Honey, what are you doing?

Well, I am so ashamed.

What? Well, you gave me a gift from the heart, and I just went to some mall and

maxed out our credit card.

Honey, I love that candle. No, sure, I know that, but I want to make you

something.

What? A poem.

With eyes of blue and hair of yellow, you made me feel like a lucky fellow.

You cleaned the house and cooked the food.

Despite three kids, you still look good.

Your love for me, I've always trusted until today.

Because now, you are busted!

Fine,

fine, fine, fine. I deserve that.

I'm an awful person. I forgot our anniversary.

Cheryl. How could I forget that it's a special day?

Cheryl, let me finish my poem.

Our anniversary date was not on your list.

But the perfect gift is just one kiss.

There.

Oh, honey.

Happy anniversary.

It is so beautiful, thank you.

You're welcome.

Are there earrings to go with this?

Uh, maybe for your birthday.

Mm -hmm.

In... August. August.

14th. 23rd. 23rd.