Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Carol, dinner was great.

Absolutely, honey. Even when you bring your B -game, it's the best meal of the

week.

B -game?

Well, it's only Tuesday. I want to keep you motivated.

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, kids!

For the last time, would you get out from under the table?

Come on, listen to your mother now. Out.

Too late to domesticate them now. They're feral.

Ow! One bit me!

Out, out, out. Settle down.

Let's go. Out, out, out.

That's it.

Cheryl, what is happening at that school?

I thought they were supposed to crush their spirits.

I've got to tell you, now that the kids are gone, as your doctor, there's

something I need to tell you.

I love it when he says, as your doctor.

You know, if you were wearing a lab coat, I would take you on this table

now.

Jim, your sperm sample is due back from the lab in a few days, and I think

everything's going to be good. I've got a lab coat in the car. Let's go.

As your doctor.

As your doctor.

That's great news. We could get pregnant. All that work to raise your

count is finally paying off. I'm telling you, I knew that last batch was a

winner. You know what it was?

It was the new magazines that I brought and did the trick.

That's where they went.

Good day, sir.

Animals, your kids tied my shoes together.

Andy, honey, just take your shoes off.

I wouldn't give those monsters the satisfaction.

Come on.

Upstairs. Up to bed. Come on. What? It's still early. I don't care. I warned you

once. Now go to bed. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Shake a leg.

But I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, Kyle. And if you had some real tears there, you might have

me. Now go. Let's go.

Oh, man.

This is a mess.

I better clean it up before the kids step in it.

Wait a minute.

Huh? You hear that?

Exactly. Except for the faint sounds of our children crying themselves asleep.

It's quiet.

I think we just bought ourselves two hours of free time.

Free time?

I haven't had that since my C -section.

What do I do with that?

Well, we can do anything we want.

The night stretches before us like a long, long... thing.

Allow me to introduce you to an elegant evening of sitting.

Oh, sitting.

I remember this.

Now just relax, sit back, and let the world come to us.

Back to the usual mayhem.

Why can't it be last night again?

Maybe it can.

I say we punish them on trumped -up charges and send them to bed early.

See? We can't punish them for no reason. They'll hate us for the rest of their

lives. Come on, they're going to hate us anyway.

At least we'll be well -rested.

No.

We're just going to have to grin and bear it until 9 o 'clock.

Right before bedtime?

It's not bedtime.

It's not, huh?

What's that?

Nine o 'clock, bedtime.

But we just finished dinner.

You know, it feels that way, doesn't it?

Clocks don't lie.

Unless you think your daddy's lying.

You wouldn't lie.

You're a grown -up. Exactly.

Bedtime. Come on, let's go.

Good night.

Have a very good night.

This, my dear, is the beginning of a very romantic evening.

Where are the kids?

Don't worry about them.

It's bedtime.

What? It's not bedtime.

Nine o 'clock?

What's got to be wrong?

Cheryl, clocks don't lie.

Unless you think I'm lying.

You are lying. Exactly.

Feisty merlot for the young lady?

Oh, Nate.

I am all for free time, but you can't do this.

Why not?

We're parents. We can do whatever we want. We can serve candy for breakfast

we want.

Cheryl, come on, come on, come on.

We just found something here that might work. Why throw it away?

Well, because it's wrong.

Oh, is it wrong?

Or did we stumble on something very right?

Hey, the kids are going to get more sleep, which is better for their brains.

Better for the grades.

Next stop, Harvard.

That is a very good school. Mm -hmm.

And how about last night? Come on, how much fun did we have?

Talking, laughing, chatting up Andy online, pretending we were a girl.

Hey, do you think he really showed up at the top of the Sears Tower with a red

carnation in his lapel?

Please, we could get him to go to Omaha and bring us backstage.

There. Oh, yeah.

Right where Kyle hangs on me.

You know, I suppose technically it is 9 o 'clock somewhere.

I don't think that's true, but go on.

We can only do the clock thing once in a while and only when we really, really

need it. Deal.

Okay, move over. My turn. My turn, my turn.

Right here, right here, right here.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Right where Andy hangs on you. Yeah.

There's only one Sears Tower in Chicago, right?

Crap.

Got stood up.

Oh, well, maybe I'll have better luck this weekend in Omaha.

Hey, while you're there... Steaks. Please.

Well, it's almost sundown. Isn't it past your kids' fake bedtime?

Don't knock it.

It's really great. It's like Cheryl and I are dating again.

Except for I don't have to pretend to like her friend.

Since you've already driven them all away, it's really not an issue.

Hey! Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him.

Okay. Ryan got the results of Jim's fertility test and someone got an A.

Actually, 30 billion A's.

Boy,

I'd like to go back to high school and throw that in their face.

Yeah, and since you're right in the middle of Cheryl's ovulation window, you

know, the next 24 hours are very important, so I suggest you do it early

often.

Okay, well, look, I got to go. I'm on call, but I love you. Bye, Mom. I love

you. I'll see you guys. See you, Mom.

Bye. See you.

Tonight's the night.

Yes, is it ever.

Yeah. Hey, Dana, come here. I want to show you the cutest maternity outfit I

found in a catalog.

Really? Yes.

All right, I'll just sit here making more soldiers to storm the gates.

What are you going to name her?

Dana. Oh, that's so sweet.

And what if it's a boy?

Dana.

I love it. It works both ways.

Are you okay?

I don't think I want to have another baby.

break it to Jim. Don't do it in bed. That's going to send a mixed message.

I know. I can't tell him. He really wants to have another kid.

I don't want to have another kid.

Wow.

Man, I was really looking forward to becoming an uncle.

You are an uncle.

Yeah.

Let's just say your first three chapters aren't exactly page turners.

Last few nights, spending all this time alone with Jim, it's like we're a couple

again.

If we have a baby, that's over. It'll be teething and diapers and 2 a .m.

feedings. And when she does all that stuff, she wakes me up.

Jim, this is a big deal.

I mean, she wants baby -making, and she wants it tonight.

I cannot have sex with Jim tonight. You've got to help me.

Don't look at me. I'm not doing it.

No!

How do you make a guy not want to sleep with you?

Well, I know how I do it.

First, I make meaningful eye contact.

And?

And nothing. That usually does the trick.

Wait a minute.

How many times have I heard Cheryl say, not now?

The kids are in the room.

That's it. What are you doing? Grab a clock.

If I can make the kids believe that it's later, I can make them believe that

it's earlier.

I'm going to keep them up all night.

You know, in normal families, they sit down and talk their problems through,

somehow it doesn't even come up as an option for you guys.

Predators on.

And Daddy asked you to keep track of the body count.

But Daddy, we're tired.

How can you be tired? It's only 8 o 'clock.

Wow, the kids are still up?

Yeah, they're full of pep tonight.

Hey!

Well, I guess it's time to get started knitting a baby blanket then.

Although, once those knitting needles are in my hands, it's hard to put them

down.

Well, you knit as long as you need. to, honey. We may have twins.

Okay, come on, get up. Ruby, jump rope. Over here, jump rope. Exercise.

All right, you two, I want you to wash down these chocolate -covered espresso

beans with some soda.

Good.

Sorry, Daddy.

That's all right. I hated that lamp anyway.

Hey, accidents will happen.

What about now?

Kids will be kids.

Oh, come on.

Fine, fine, go to sleep. Go on, go to bed if you want.

But just remember, if you can't stop thinking about that guy who had his arm

torn off...

You know where Mommy and Daddy's bed is.

Wow, look at this mess. It's going to take me all night to untangle this.

Where are the kids?

They went to bed.

Finally.

Wow, so we're alone.

Yep, I guess it's time to go ahead and make that baby.

What are you talking about?

just go to bed.

I was looking forward to creating a human life, but... Dana's having a

God knows that never happens.

Thanks for understanding.

Okay. Come on, Dana.

I hate men. I never want to talk to any of them.

Right?

You got the night off? I'll be right there.

You don't find me very sexy now.

No, no, baby.

You are always sexy.

Damn it.

I am always sexy.

is cold like a corpse, but if you still want me...

Maybe it's the pressure of wanting something so bad.

Come on, you don't feel bad.

Remember? It even happened to Coach Ditka.

Jim?

I really don't feel like talking right now.

Remember how when Pinocchio lied, his nose grew?

a second sweater came off. There was no turning back.

Why did you lie?

Well, Cheryl, this is going to be very hard for me to say, but I want a

What? Okay, I don't want a divorce, but what I have to say now won't sound as

bad.

I don't think I want to have another kid.

You don't?

No. but I know you really do. No, no.

I don't either.

Really? Yes.

I thought you'd be totally disappointed. I thought you'd be crushed.

Oh, that's why I didn't say anything to you, because I knew it would hurt your

feelings.

Oh, that is so sweet. We lied out of love.

Careful. Don't get too close. Pinocchio's going to turn into a real

Oh.

spending so much time together.

I found us again.

Yeah, I really liked us. I missed us too.

Remember Cheryl and Jim who started it all?

I know, they're fun.

We should have them over for dinner.

Not dinner. You know how I feel about guests.

So, it's official then, huh?

No more babies?

Guess not.

Well, that baby we've been talking about all year, what's going to happen to

him?

I guess someone else will get her.

Well, as long as he's got good parents like us.

She will.

Did you hear that?

What?

Exactly.

It's just the two of us.

Let's enjoy the time while we got it.