Original subtitles

Daddy, guess what?

What? I got married last night.

What?

To Dylan Pike.

She really did.

Gerald, how come I don't know about this? Did you know about this? I did

am flabbergasted. Simply flabbergasted.

Ruby, you just had to go ahead and get married before me, didn't you?

You're good.

That was lame.

We need a lesson from the master.

Yeah, yeah.

I do love a well -executed April Fool's joke.

But after last year's masterpiece that I pulled on Cheryl, I retired.

Yeah, you didn't just retire. I believe you were threatened with divorce.

Cheryl, come on. It was funny. You eventually got home.

And look, you got to practice your Spanish.

Dana, thank you for the bath salts.

Pleasure was all mine, Andy.

And green everywhere.

Open for Rush?

All right. Maybe a few beers will make us sound better. Ah, there you go. Or

I'll care less.

At least alcohol will help me forget that I'm spending the best years of my

with you guys.

I don't know how you can put that junk in your body, Belchman. That is

disgusting. The fries, the chicken, or the cheese?

There's cheese in there, too?

In the fries.

The future's here, man.

Why do you even bother eating? Why don't you just take that drumstick and stab

yourself in the heart?

Guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Is that my baseball card collection?

Yeah, I'm cleaning out the bedroom closet.

No, Cheryl, Cheryl. What?

No, this doesn't belong in the garage. The only thing that belongs in this

crappy garage are old magazine tools and these clowns. Yeah.

No, not Ernie Banks.

Mr. Cub.

That's what he's done for Chicago, Cheryl. No, I'd rather put my kids in

first. Holy crap.

Is that his rookie card?

Yes, indeed.

Wow, Jim, I'd give my right nad for that card.

Yeah, you know, I don't know anything about baseball, but I don't think that's

good trade.

Cheryl, this stays in the house. Fine, but I still need to make some room in

closet. All right, I'll tell you what I'll compromise here.

Why don't you make some room in the refrigerator and bring us out some

I'd give my left nad for some apple pie.

Now you're just giving them away.

All right, let's let the beard do the magic.

One, two, three.

Emergency! Emergency!

Sam, the spare toilet paper's under the sink.

No! No, my Ernie Banks card. It's gone. It's been stolen. It's missing. I can't

find it. It's gotta be somewhere. No one would take it.

What about these little people here?

Come on. They'd take anything.

They're like raccoons with clothes on.

This is exactly why we need a vault.

Don't you think we should get a savings account first?

All right. All right, kids.

The first one that finds my Ernie gets a quarter.

Yay! That's my boy.

A lousy quarter?

All right, a buck.

Yay!

I don't get out of bed for under five.

All right, five bucks. Come on.

Yay!

Find it!

Wow, five bucks? When Cheryl lost her wedding ring, you only offered two.

Yeah. Well, that's because Ernie Banks has sentimental value.

Hey, Jim. I just got some bad news from Tony.

What? What happened?

It's Beltzman. He had a heart attack this morning.

Was he all right?

He didn't make it.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

He was in the prime of his life.

Such a tall, good -looking guy.

You're thinking of John.

Which one's Beltzman?

Weird looking guy, pot belly.

Oh, the drummer?

No, that's Tony. The other guy with the pot belly. Oh, that guy.

What a tragedy. I really liked him.

Yeah.

Where was he?

Doing what he loved best. Eating fried chicken and shooting rats down at the

dump.

So sad.

His poor wife. I'm going to go make a casserole.

I thought we were having meatloaf tonight.

For her!

Poor Beltzman. Poor, poor, poor... Poor... Poor,

um... What was his first name?

We always called him Beltzman.

Yeah, well, let me think.

Shut up, Beltzman.

I'm not gay, Beltzman.

Oh, gross. Was that you, Beltzman?

No idea? Yeah.

Well, honey, I am so sorry for your loss. I made you a broccoli casserole.

Broccoli casserole like the woman hasn't suffered enough.

You know, this game is such a shock to all of us.

Not to me. The man bled gravy.

I can see you're hurting.

But we're all here for you. Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Dana. I'm Cheryl's sister.

Who's Cheryl?

I'm Cheryl. I'm Jim's wife.

Oh, Jim's wife.

I hear you always put out a plate of donuts for every rehearsal.

I did.

Thanks a lot.

I think I'll go put this in the kitchen for you.

Barney.

He was a great guy and a great guitar player.

And he always wiped his lips before he drank from the hose.

I want to show you something. I was going through his stuff and I found this

picture of the band from the one paying gig you guys had.

I think you should take it.

Really?

Oh, I'm funny. Thank you.

Honey, this is Ernie Bates' rookie card.

When did Beltman get this? A few days ago. He was really excited. He said, now

can die a happy man.

And then he did.

Hey, Bonnie.

Maybe this will make you feel better, huh?

Wow. Look at all that cheese.

What, are you trying to kill me, too?

This is my card.

Beltman stole your card?

Yes.

and you can be sure that's your card. It is my card. Look at this. Flawless

corners, perfectly centered, no color bleeding. And look, you see that little

nick right there? This is mine, Cheryl. This is mine.

That freaky little gnome stole my card.

Hey, Pop, if you see that creep up there, you give him the old Alabama soup

bone.

Where are you going? I'm going to tell Bonnie what a crook her husband was and

tell her that I'm going to take Ernie back home where he belongs.

Jim, no.

You can't do that.

How would you feel if you died and somebody came and told me what a

person you were? Bring a snack. That's going to be a long line.

I know you want your card back. You're going to have to wait a respectable

amount of time before you approach Barney.

At least a few months. A few months?

Who makes up these rules?

Decent people.

Decent people? Yes. Not a fan?

Just relax. Your card's not going to go anywhere.

We have a bigger problem here.

Where are we going to find a new guitar player who hands out porn at Christmas?

Man, when it rains, it pours.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Quite a loss. Yeah. Hey, don't forget to rub it yet for good luck, huh?

That is ridiculous, John. Suit yourself, but I've done it the last three

funerals.

My life's going gangbusters.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

He's got my gurney -based card.

He's also got a bucket of chicken in a Jugs magazine.

out like a pharaoh.

They're going to bury him with my dirty bank card.

Hey, Jim.

People here.

Like the suit?

I'm going to cut the back out of it so it'd fit him.

Come on, I see you.

See, he's got the Ernie Banks card with him.

Oh, yeah. I thought he'd like to have it.

Don't you think it would be more appreciated by a living, breathing Cubs

Hey, wait a minute.

You're a living, breathing Cubs fan.

I bet you Beltzman would love for you to have this.

Don't be vulgar. It's still warm.

He's probably right.

I thought about it, but I never really cared for you.

If you all can take your seats, we're about to begin the service.

May I escort you to your seat, Widow Beltzman? Well, thank you.

And don't call me Widow Beltzman.

Then can I just call you?

And Bonnie's the cure.

I appreciate that, but I've dated my last fellow with a heart attack torso.

We shall see.

We are here today to honor the memory of Eugene Belsman.

Eugene.

Husband, musician, scoutmaster.

I'm sitting here ten feet away from my Ernie Banks card.

I can hear him calling, No,

it's not!

Following the service, you're invited back to the Belsman home for a cold cut

plate. And tomorrow morning, his ashes will be scattered

over Lake Michigan.

Ashes?

No!

No, no, no!

There is no time to waste!

I need to speak out and pay tribute to my dear friend, Balsman.

Father, no disrespect, but...

I think I knew Beltram a hell of a lot better than you.

I baptized him and knew him for 45 years.

Fine, fine. Well, I'll be your opening act.

Take a squat over there, will you, Reverend?

Please.

Well, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a deeply spiritual man.

Liar!

love to lead people in prayer so we all bow your heads

bow your heads please close your

eyes good

Dearly beloved, by the power vested in me, I'm going

to send Beltzman up to the sky.

I know it's really hard.

Let go, Beltzman!

To let go of Beltzman.

You can come up here and help me with the prayer.

Keep your eyes closed.

Eyes closed.

Not you.

You know, now that Veltzman is gone, I feel like he

took a piece of me with him.

A very, very valuable piece.

I had to put a figure on it. It would be about $1 ,500.

Sing something sad and come over here and give me a boost.

Swing.

Coming for to carry me home.

Thank you.

Thank you, Brother Andy, for that wonderful song.

Amen.

I think it's important to remember Belsman the way he was.

I can't really go on right now.

This is too much for me.

I think I'm going to go and...

Pray alone now.

God, why?

Why, God?

Keys.

Welcome home, Ernie.

Cheryl, you know what? Ernie's had a couple of rough days. I think he's

Why don't you make him a little sandwich?

And make me one, too.

No! I don't make sandwiches for grave robbers.

All right.

I'll have a bowl of ice cream, then.

Jim, you stole from the dead.

The universe is not going to ignore this. You are dealing with something

big here.

Karma.

Karma? Yes! You're Miss Karma here trying to pawn off a broccoli casserole

widow.

Well, I'm back upstairs.

Oh, I don't know, Jim. This is some bad mojo.

Bad mojo.

Glad I'm not you right now.

Interesting.

So at some point you did want to be me.

And you can't be.

It just drives you crazy, doesn't it?

Joe, do you hear that?

I smell.

Fried chicken.

Who's here?

Hello?

Anybody?

Hello?

No.

No, there's no Ernie here.

Hello?

What the... All right.

Who's ever here is a dead man! Too late!

April Fool's? Are you kidding? After everything you've pulled on us? Yeah, I

told off everyone at work before I found out my promotion wasn't real.

You sent those fake IRS agents to my house. I closed all my accounts and

to Haiti.

I was on the operating table before I realized you faked my x -rays.

How about that time I woke up next to a goat?

All right, all right. Maybe I had it coming.

I deserved it.

when I've been bested.

Cheryl, you are good. I dock my hat to you, young lady.

I dock my hat to all of you.

Dock, dock, dock.