Original subtitles

Come on, Ortiz. Quit dancing. It's a cage match, not a tea party.

Choke him out, Donnelly. You know what I like about that, Donnelly? He's not in

it for the money. He just likes to hurt people.

Okay, so explain to me again the difference between ultimate cage

regular boxing.

Well, first of all, there's a cage, which is an octagon.

Instead of a ring.

Which is square.

And there's no rules, so it makes it illegal everywhere except for Asia.

And Alabama.

As you can see, the crotch is in play.

Right.

Hey, Jim, are you expecting anyone?

What? Like a friend?

Come on, now!

Come on, come on, come on! Oh, hi, Mr.

Osgood! Oh, now, please, Cheryl, I told you before, it's Bertram. Mr.

Osgood was my father, and he's passed on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not. I hated him.

Anyway,

I got some of your mail again.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

Two minutes, 75 bucks, it's over? That's it?

What's the matter? Can't you fight with a compound fracture?

Okay, Bertram, please, would you like to come in? Thank you. Oh, you know what?

I actually think this is yours.

Opera tickets. Jim, Bertram has tickets to Deflator Mouse.

Is that the one where everyone thinks the baby kangaroo is a giant mouse?

Different classic, but just as good.

Are you an opera fan, Cheryl?

Oh, I've never actually gone, but I have seen it on TV.

I see a lot of fun things on TV that I've never actually been to.

I'm going to die in this house having never been anywhere.

Well, would you like my ticket? Oh, God, yes!

Dina! Friday!

Huh? Oh, yeah, well, I have to check my book, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing

something that I wouldn't hate.

Andy! Andy, opera, huh?

Strauss, please.

I like my coffee black, my women on the rebound, and my opera Italian.

Thank you, news.

I won't even ask.

Atta girl.

Hey, why don't you, uh, why don't you go with Bertram?

Well, would that be okay with you?

Well, I would be delighted. That is, if you don't mind being seen on the arm of

an old man.

Please, I've been to better places with worse.

It's true.

She's dated some real losers.

Just one.

Well, that's great then, Cheryl. I will see you on Friday. Oh, and you're going

to have to drive because I'm not allowed to after dark. Oh, it would be my

pleasure. Well,

I am going to the opera.

And I...

Boy, are you asking the wrong guy.

We're going to play house.

Kyle's the baby.

I lie down and they bring me food.

Honey, that's not the baby.

That's the daddy.

Go on.

Hey, would one of you get the dinger?

No.

Dinger, dinger.

Cheryl, dinger.

Oh, I know.

Would it kill you to turn it off?

Cheryl, that's your area. I'm just trying to respect it.

It's been a whole day. How long does that opera buzz last?

It is such a romantic story.

You see, Alfred is still in love with his old girlfriend, Rosalyn, but she is

married to Gabrielle von Eisenstein.

A love triangle.

How fresh.

And then afterwards, Bertram and I went out and discussed it over tea.

It'd be nice to go to something with you that didn't involve the words nitro

-burning.

Or totally nude.

You know, Cheryl, they have a British dancer there. That's culture.

Like this, honey, look.

Look, there's a foreign film festival at the Hillhurst.

I don't know, Cheryl.

Honey, come on, it'll be fun.

Yeah, it might be fun, but then what happens if we're going to spend the rest

our lives chasing that hive with drugs and alcohol?

in this city. We should take advantage of it. Why don't I take you to the zoo?

Oh. All right, all right. I'll take you to the forum, Phil.

I hope it's subtitled. There's nothing I like more than reading a good movie.

Oh.

Oh, hey, Bertram. How are you? Oh, Jim.

Cheryl, I thought you might like this CD. It's La Traviata with Hildegard

It's a real barn burner.

Thank you so much, and thank you for taking me to the opera.

You know what? I baked you some cookies. I'm going to go pack them up for you.

Well, come on in.

Please, please.

Here, here. Have a seat.

Wherever you want, Bert.

Do you mind I call you Bert?

Actually, I'd rather you didn't. Bert always reminds me of that puppet on

Street.

Who, uh... Ernie?

Sure. Yeah?

Great time last night. She's been singing all day back there. Well, Cheryl

delightful company. She is smart, and she's funny, and she's considerate

to spend time with an old man. Oh, come on. How old are you? I'm 76.

Holy... You want a shawl or a blanket or something?

Oh, look, the newspaper.

Huh. That's funny.

Five mornings out of seven, I never get mine.

That is funny.

Hey, the Foreign Film Festival.

Are you folks going?

Yeah, my wife's dragging me to the Bicycle Thief.

Well, Jim, you're in for a real treat. The Bicycle Thief is one of the great

works of European cinema. Oh, I got a few European films in a box in the

Every once in a while, I have my own festival.

So you like the bicycle thief, huh? Oh, I love it.

Well,

that's interesting.

Why don't you take Cheryl to see the bicycle thief?

Really? Sure.

You know what? It would make her happy, and I like seeing her happy.

And believe me, I don't want to be up all night standing in the bathroom

out tea.

I hear that. Yeah.

Well, I would really... love to take her that is with your kind permission oh

permission granted are you sure oh of course i'm sure i'm the one who told you

to do it so you wouldn't mind oh just take my wife to the damn movie box

Five by ten. Okay, okay, wait a minute. Listen,

I know you're going to be with Bertram, but you're going downtown, so please

park on the street, because I'm not paying those parking structure rates.

Who's Bertram? Oh, he's just a neighbor.

Cheryl's going out on the town with another dude?

Oh, he's not another dude. He's just some old guy. He takes her to the

and, you know, the opera and all the crap I hate.

You think he'd take my wife to church?

You know, Jim, an old man is still a man. That's right.

Please, knock it off. No, no.

It's true. I once walked in on my grandparents doing it.

Yeah, yeah. They were in their 70s, but Gramps was really putting Nana through

her paces.

Can we change the subject here?

You know, they got these pills now. It'll turn an old man into a teenager.

Admiral Winky can sure stay on the bridge a lot longer than he used to.

I mean, they got four hour, six hour, and now the new 36 hour.

Hey, 80 is the new 60. They really are the greatest generation.

Jim, Jim, you ready?

I'm counting off, man. Yeah, I'm counting.

Okay,

hold on.

Two, three, four.

See, Bertram, you didn't have to walk me through the door. I'm fine. Boy, you

can't be too careful. I didn't like the look of some of them squirrels out

front. Oh!

Oh!

Jim!

Did I?

I'm sorry, my pet.

I was waiting up for you and I must have nodded off.

What time is it?

Oh, mercy me, it's after one.

One? Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I should have called. I had no idea how late it was.

After the ballet, Bertram and I went to this jazz club he knows about.

Bertram. Yes.

Bertram.

Oh, what a night.

Oh, my God, you must be just exhausted.

Why don't you go upstairs to bed, honey? I'll see Bertram out.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Bertram, thank you for a lovely, lovely evening.

So I'll see you on Saturday.

Right, the symphony. I can't wait.

All right, baby.

I'll be up there in a second to take my place beside you in our bed.

All right.

What was that?

What? No, no, no. You just made a... You just made a sound.

Oh, I was just clearing my throat.

No. No, no.

You want... Clearing your throat is... You

just made the, I want to hit that noise.

I'm sorry, Jim, but I don't understand what you're saying.

It's been a long night. I'm going home. Well, you can stay home. Well, thank

you. I live there.

You listen to me, pal.

Here's the deal.

You and Cheryl...

Are over.

I don't want you to talk to her. I don't want you to see her. I don't want you

calling her. You got it? Yes, but I don't understand what you're... Shh,

shh, shh, shh, shh.

I think you do understand.

Just because a dog is droopy doesn't mean he can't still hunt.

Is this another Sesame Street thing?

I want you out of here by the time I count five or I'm going to turn that

on you. But Jim, this was all your idea.

No surprises this time.

I'm confident about that.

Hey. Hey, well, look at you. Hot date tonight?

Yeah, you.

Didn't Jim tell you? I'm taking you to the symphony.

What? Where's Bertram? Yes, Bertram, yes.

He's a creep, honey.

I'm going to have Andy take you on dates from now on.

What? The shoes stay on for an hour. After that, no promises.

who wants to get down on it. Oh, come on.

Cheryl, trust me, you should have seen him when you were going up the stairs

other night. He made the mmm sound.

Mmm? No, no, no, no.

Not mmm from the throat, mmm from the loins.

It's a guy thing, and honey, it is uncontrollable. Oh. No, it's true,

mmmed a meter maid at the DMV yesterday.

What is it about those uniforms?

Mmm. Oh!

Fine. Next time, Jim, greenlight your scheme with the wife before I squat the

crease out of my suit.

Jim, how dare you?

Where's my friend?

He's not your friend, Cheryl. He's a guy.

And you put a guy in a batter's box, he's gonna take a swing.

He's a 76 -year -old man.

Man, Cheryl, that's the operative word.

Man. I'll admit, I was fooled by the age, too.

But he's a man.

And I'm a man. And I'm your husband.

Therefore, it is my job to protect you. I don't want to ruin your friendship.

It's just my job.

Deciding who I'm friends with is not your job.

That's a very common mistake, Cheryl.

Lots of wives make that mistake.

You know what? You're wrong about Bertram. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes.

By protector's permission.

Granted.

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

Jim's not with you, is he?

No, no.

Look, I'm just going to give you the standard speech I give all the

Dear sir or madam, apparently my husband has insert appalling action here.

Well, this is by no means an admission of guilt or legal liability on Jim's

part.

Please accept this green bean casserole as a peace offering.

I kind of stormed out, so I'm going to have to owe you the casserole.

Thank you.

Please, come on. Oh, thank you.

Bertram, would you please tell me what happened between you and Jim? Well, I

don't know. He just flew off the handle the other night.

He thinks you have ulterior motives.

Oh, is that it?

Man is so hard to read.

He thinks you made an mmm noise?

Cheryl, I'm 76 years old. I make all kinds of noises.

Look, please sit down.

You look a little shook up. I was just having a glass of wine. Would you like

one? That would be great.

Thank you.

I'd love him to death, but I swear to God, sometimes he's just a caveman.

Oh.

to the performing arts.

Oh, that is

lovely.

Yes, well, that's a California Merlot. I hope it's not too pedestrian.

You know, I mean, I get to choose my own friends. I just want someone I

can do things with.

It's very soothing, isn't it?

Yes, you know it is.

It's just, it's amazing to me. It's like Jim really doesn't believe that a

straight man can be friends with an attractive woman.

The man is a Neanderthal.

No, no, no.

He's a good guy. It's just that sometimes he gets these crazy ideas.

What smells so good?

Oh, that's the candle.

It's cold.

Tropical passion.

Those island nights.

Okay.

You know what?

Jim is not going to ruin our symphony date. So you go get your suit on and

go. Oh, what's the rush? Why don't we just sit and finish our wine?

Oh, but we're going to be late for the symphony.

Just think how much better friends we'll be when we see each other naked.

Ow!

Where are you going? Where am I going? I'm going to the symphony.

Alone.

You know what the saddest part is?

It's not just that our friendship is over, which it is.

The gym was right about you.

Men aren't animals.

Oh, no, Cheryl. Men aren't animals.

Men are men at all ages.

Ah, what an old fool I am.

I went and ruined a great friendship.

It's just that I've been so lonely since my dear Adele died.

Not working.

All right, I'll see you.

Commence firing.

Come on, tuba player, stay still.

Sweet!

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought if you came alone, I'd be your date. If you came with Bertrand,

I'd kick his ass.

Now I put my roll of dimes back in my chain store.

You were right.

Bertram made his move.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Well, well, well.

Not this time, Cheryl.

Although I am right.

It is partly my fault.

You set me up with him. It's all your fault.

Well, all is apart.

You know, I realize when we do stuff together, that's not really about the

we do together.

It's that we're together.

Oh, honey.

I've been together with you, too.

And we're together at the symphony. I finally got you here.

Yes, the symphony.

Since I'm new at this, you want to talk me through it?

Down there, those guys?

Mm -hmm. They play music and we listen.

Well, what am I supposed to look at?

Cheryl.

Yeah?

You didn't park in the structure, did you?

You know, Jim, some people...