Original subtitles

Oh, come on, Andy, man. You gotta earn the burn, baby.

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, what are you doing?

Oh,

just pumping some iron.

I want to look good for Alicia when she makes her deliveries.

The other day, she said if I worked out, I'd look hotter.

You know what would make you look hotter?

Some pink ling warmers to go with those pink dumbbells.

I stole them from Dana. Nine years ago, she borrowed my favorite pie tin and

never returned it.

Vengeance, thy name is Dumbbell.

Come on, son of a gun. Where's Alicia? She's usually here by now.

You know she's got a boyfriend, right?

Yes, I'm aware of that.

But when an A -plus chick compliments you, Jim, it gives you the confidence to

hit on the C -minuses.

Hell, with these guns, I may even go for a solid C.

Every doctor you've been to has begged you to exercise and you want a second

opinion.

But some cute blonde in brown pants says... Oh, please, come on. You suck in

your gut when she comes by.

You know what that's called?

Breathing.

One uses their entire diaphragm for optimal health.

Are you saying that a hot chick has no effect on you at all? I have a hot chick

at home. Her name is my wife.

That's all I need.

And like they say, you know what? Why go out for hamburger when you get the cow

for free?

Oh, God, she's here.

What are you doing?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Alicia.

I didn't know you were coming today.

All right, working out and looking good.

Well, it's not about look.

It's about being healthy.

attitude.

I love the smiley face you put over the eye in gym.

Oh, well, you know, if you can't put a smile on someone's face every day,

the point of getting out of bed?

Only everyone thought that way.

There'd be no wars, I'll tell you that.

That is so true.

Oh, anyway, I got another package outside, but it's pretty big. Ah, yeah,

get it, me.

What is it, like 60, 70 pounds?

Because that's how much I'm curling these days.

Oh, good.

You, you keep looking good. Me and the twins, we'll be right back.

Hey, someone bought a new shirt.

See, I told you that's your color.

You did?

You know, I don't recall that.

It so brings out your eyes. Well, that's good, because you know what? I keep my

eyes open most of the day, and at night I, uh...

I close now.

You know what else would look awesome on you?

What's that? A mustache.

Come on, get out of here.

Seriously.

Mustaches are back. I know because I have a friend who goes to Rhode Island

School of Design.

A mustache?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. Would those look cheap on?

Well, I have been looking for a way to accent them.

Well, it's time to get back to work.

I guess I'd better be heading to my desk.

All right, Alicia, bye -bye.

Andy, Andy, you can drop the axe. She's gone.

Yeah, I think I pulled something.

Oh, baby.

Anybody need a little top off of juice?

Daddy, when does your face want to come back?

Yeah, you look weird.

Well, look, it's going to be a little hard to get used to, that's for sure.

But a lot of great men had mustaches.

Albert Einstein, Mike Ditka, Yosemite Sam.

Well, thank you, my new favorite.

Oh, by the way, I borrowed your doll's comb. Is that all right?

Keep it.

Daddy, you look like Aunt Kuka from the old country.

That's who it is! Thank you!

That has been driving me crazy!

All right, guys, time to get ready for school.

Aunt Kuka, please.

She had a full beard.

Why don't you sit down? I need to talk to you about something I think is

important.

Sure, sure.

Anything, my young lord?

Yes.

Lose the stache.

What? Well, honey, I know this is a new look you wanted to try, and I really

thought I'd be okay with it, but now that it's officially a mustache... What

you talking about?

This looks good on me.

Yeah, not so much.

For your information, there are a lot of people that think this is really cool.

Who? You know, people.

I mean, when you're walking down a mall and some guy yells, hey, nice mustache,

you don't stop and say, what's your name?

So nobody.

A guy in the mall.

Honey, Jim, when you kissed me last night, you scratched my face.

Okay, fine. No more kissing. It's not my favorite part anyway.

This mustache is an expression of who I am. Like you women, you know, with your

burning the bras, the right to vote, wanting to be astronauts.

You gotta respect my choice.

Okay?

Hear me roar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work.

Hey. Hi.

Say hello to the policeman and the Indian chief for me.

Conca. Oh, my God, that's it.

Thank you.

Look, you know I am all for anything that covers up Jim's face. But, I mean,

this is ridiculous. It's got to go. Why won't he get rid of it? I know.

Apparently, he's taken a moral stand.

It's an expression of who he is.

Well, yeah, he also says that when he farts.

No, but what can I do?

Fight fire with fire.

Oh, I don't want to grow a mustache.

Cheryl, I'm saying take something that Jim loves about you and change it. And

then when he complains, trade it for the mustache.

Exactly. That is brilliant.

That's brilliant. Thank you. You know, I got to do something because he's

starting to twirl the corners and laugh maniacally.

Girl?

I'm right out.

Hey, Jim, you know, I was thinking about what you were saying about your

mustache and how important it is to you.

And you were right.

Thank you.

Yeah,

you know, you can do whatever you want with your appearance, and I have

absolutely no say in the matter. Well, thank you for respecting my body.

All right, let's play Magnum P .I. and Hot Guest Star.

Chill.

Chill.

Chill.

Cheryl.

I thought it was time for a change. I got inspired by your mustache.

Cheryl.

Oh, no. What have I done?

You hate it.

Cheryl.

I love it.

Lose your robe. What?

Cheryl, you are hot.

Are you kidding me? No, you're dark and mysterious.

Give me some of that brunette sugar, baby.

it because you know you're always going on and on about how much you love my

blonde hair this this is good

baby good great okay all right let's forget about magnum p .i all

right let's play uh a wounded gi soldier and lowly italian housewife all right i

say uh could you help me find my unit and you say i know

high school from what i hear oh look at me

all blonde and special now i'm just brunette and boring thank you

oh my god these are my dumbbells i can't

believe andy took them wow and you fired your cleaning woman i have got to find

a way to get andy back i know Why don't you talk him into dyeing his hair?

I didn't know brunettes could be so snotty.

I did.

Oh, hi. Are Jim and Andy here?

No, but I'm Jim's wife. I can sign for that. Oh, hi. You're Jim's wife. Oh, Jim

is the greatest.

And are you Andy's girlfriend?

He told me you lived in Canada.

No, I'm his sister. He stole my dumbbells.

Oh. That might be my fault. I'm the one who told him he should start working

out. I'm always giving people advice on how to look better.

I bet your friends love that. Oh, Jim and Andy sure do.

That cool mustache?

My idea.

Oh, so we have you to thank for that mustache.

Oh, please, it's nothing.

Jim and Andy just listened to me because I have a friend who does Rhode Island

school design.

Yeah, that must be it.

We have so much respect for that institution.

Listen, Alicia,

I think it's just great that you're helping Jim out with his new look.

You do?

Stay with me.

Because, you know, there are so many things I'd like to get Jim to try, but

just won't listen to me.

Men, they never do what you want them to.

Really? I don't have that problem.

What if there were only some way for me to get Jim to wear what I want?

Yeah. Hmm.

Whoa!

Brain blast!

Maybe I could suggest something to Jim for you.

What a great idea!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, and don't forget Andy. He really needs a look.

Oh, great.

Well, what do you want to see them in?

Give us a minute.

for you, but it totally works. I know.

Well, I understand it's all the rage in Rhode Island.

Hey, honey, would you braveheart for me?

Please?

Freedom!

That is so sexy.

I'm going to save some of that Scottish butter cookie for you.

Tell me about it.

Andy, what the hell happened to you?

You cover yourself in cheese?

I got a spray on tan.

Look at you. You're wearing a dress.

This is not a dress. It's a kilt.

It's what Scottish guys wear to kick some ass.

I bet you it's easy to kick ass when all you have to do is lift a guy's skirt.

I'm going to rub you up.

What do you want, Kenny?

Oh, I need some pencils because I'm out of pencils.

Right there.

dressed as a kilt.

Kenny, what are you doing?

Are you taking pictures because I look weird?

No. Some of the guys aren't here today and they'd never believe how great

you look.

Let me ask you a question, Kenny. I don't want you to be truthful.

Pretend I'm not your boss. I'm just some guy you met in a bar.

Oh, I don't go to those kind of bars.

I guess that answers your question, loser.

Loser?

Tell me, Jim, what do you think he looks like?

Like a creepy jack -o' -lantern?

Get out of here!

Go!

All right, Jim.

I guess there's a better than average chance we both look ridiculous.

I can't understand it. Alicia specifically said I had great calves and

great in a kilt.

Since when do you care what Alicia thinks?

I don't care what Alicia thinks. But I do respect the Rhode Island School of

Design.

It's very precise. Oh, my God, I'm wearing a dress!

And I'm a big gay pumpkin!

We can sure as hell bet I'm going to ask her when she drops off those Martin

plans today.

No, she already dropped them off.

She did? Oh, you signed for them? No, I thought you did.

No, I wasn't even... Who signed for them?

No, no, no, I set you up. You of all people should know the difference.

But why me, Cheryl?

I'm orange everywhere.

Everywhere!

It was me, you idiot!

What'd I ever do to you?

You stole my dumbbell!

You had it coming. You took my favorite pie tin. Oh, any tin with a pie in it is

your favorite pie tin.

You know, when I sweat, this stuff runs.

So? So.

you have a brand new white couch.

Cheryl, you let me go out there wearing a dress.

No, Jim, it's a kilt. It's a dress!

I know you talked to Alicia, didn't you?

Oh, you mean the talking rack who just loves your mustache?

Cheryl, Alicia is a valued colleague of mine whose opinion I respect.

And besides, she has a friend that goes to the... I know, I know, I know. The

Rhode Island School of Design.

Hey, hey, I have a friend in medical school. Can I take out your appendix?

Yes, you can.

There, I win.

You know what I want to know?

Why did you listen to her over me?

Cheryl, it's a very complicated issue.

And frankly, the subtleties, I don't think you're going to be able to grasp.

Because the hot chick thought you were cute?

That would be it.

Okay, I win, honestly.

Wait, wait, Jim, come back here.

I'm your wife, Jim.

I love your face the way it is.

It's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at

It's a face I've kissed for the last 13 years and I will for the next 50.

Come on.

Doesn't that mean more than what some young, hot chick says?

Not really.

Ow!

Oh, come on, Cheryl, I love you like crazy.

But I'm a guy.

It's normal for a guy to get a little jolt when a, you know, chick that's not

your wife gives you a little attention.

Why? Well, you know, it makes you feel like you still got it.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. You know what I'm talking about.

How about when those three bag boys carry one loaf of bread to your car for

All right, I'll give you that.

All right, we agree.

So, I want two and this one's a push. Let's go eat.

What's really bothering me?

Oh, man.

Why do we have to go to what's really bothering me after I went two out of

three?

Hey, close your legs, Sharon Stone.

Here it is. You chose Alicia over me.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You did.

You knew I hated that mustache, and you kept it anyway.

That makes her more important than me.

You know I would never do that to you.

Well, in my defense, I really didn't bother to think about it.

Well, think about it now.

Now, come on, Cheryl.

You know you're the most important woman in the world to me.

Is that potato chip?

Taco shell.

All right.

I'll go shave it off.

Oh, thank you. Hey, but honey, don't...

Don't take off the kilt just yet.

Why not?

Well, I always wanted to go to Scotland, and you do have amazing calves.

Oh, actually, I do, don't I?

And a terrible Scottish accent. Aye, that too.

Don't I like my hair this way?

Yes. Doesn't it bother you that it doesn't really look like me?

No, I get the best of both worlds. I get to be with another woman, and you're

there too.