Original subtitles

Oh, here, here.

Found it.

Stop your search. I found something we'll both enjoy.

Look at this. Cop fights Dracula.

Oh, and the cop's uniform is a bikini.

Pass.

Oh, here's one.

Single dad finds love again.

Let me guess.

This kid wears glasses.

And you're too big for his face. Is that so cute?

So cute. Pass.

Oh. Here's my backup. Here.

A cop and a dog fight the mafia.

No.

Oh, Jim. Oh, okay. Look, honey.

The Bell of Portugal. It has something for you and something for me. It's got

romance for me and war for you. Give me that.

This isn't war.

War is when Robert Mitchum is chewing on a cigar, cutting down Nazis.

No, this one just uses war to keep lovers apart so they can look at each

pictures and cry.

Oh. No. Look at them. He's wounded and she's wearing a big hat with a veil.

It looks so sad. I love that.

I don't get you women. You will pay money to see something that you know is

going to make you sad. Yeah? When you can go to a funeral any day of the week

here in town.

For free.

Honey, a good cry is like a... cleansing rain that washes everything out of you.

You should try it sometime.

I do cry, Cheryl.

I'm a Cubs and a Bears fan.

No,

no. Listen, you women always say that you want a sensitive man, a vulnerable

who cries.

Trust me, Cheryl, you don't. What do you know about what women want? I know

plenty about women. I know they want a strong man, a real man. The kind of guy

who bottles up all his emotions inside.

All I can tell you is that I would be proud to be with a man with emotional

depth and compassion.

Wrong, Cheryl.

Absolutely wrong.

It upsets the natural order of things.

It's like guys wearing clogs. Wrong!

Well, I think it's sexy when a man's not afraid to cry.

Well, then let me let you in on a little secret.

What? There is one movie that tears me up a bit.

Really? What?

Robot Warrior 2. Wow!

It's the tender tale of a robot who loves revenge.

And a robot can't make it quick.

I can't get through it. It's too much.

Fine. Get your stupid robot movie.

I am watching The Bells of Portugal. Fine. Oh, oh, oh. How about this one?

Kicked in the crotch. Ow.

Minus the director's cut.

Oh, kicked in the crotch. Very good movie. Ow.

Jim, Jim, would you get off it? No. Anyone in my position would have done

same thing. No, no, not anyone.

If a bird pooped in my fries, I would not eat around it.

Hey, Ruby, ask your uncle Andy. Can't. Got the leg. Gotta go.

Hey, Greasy, do you know... Can't. Don't care. Gotta go.

Hey, Kyle, do you know that... Mommy said I should get my rocket dog toy.

Rocket dog, rocket dog.

Rocket dog.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm listening. What did he do?

I don't need your pity interest.

Good. Frees up a lot of my day.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Where are you going? We got the DVDs to

return here. Don't you want to take them with you?

Oh, honey, I haven't watched mine yet. I'm going to return it tomorrow.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'll have the chauffeur drive the butler to drop off the late fee.

It's two dollars.

Well, as long as it's going for a good cause, Cheryl.

Hollywood.

Yeah, Jim, Tom Cruise would be living in a box without your late fee.

Sawyer 2, seen it.

Acting C, violence and robot sex, A+. Oh, my God,

the bells of Portugal. I have to see this. I heard it was fantastic.

Yeah, if you have boobs.

Hello.

Well, hello, Miss Felicity.

Charmed to meet you. My name is Nigel.

Captain Nigel Ellis.

Don't you find Paris rather dispiriting these days, Captain Ellis?

I'd really rather you call me Nigel.

I'd really rather you shut up.

Dear God, the Nazis are here!

And they've got my father! He's got a weak heart!

Let him go, you monsters!

Take that, Prince!

That's for Scotty and Pete and the Major!

That's for every English life you've ended too soon!

Doctor, doctor, please.

Give my morphine to Boswell.

He needs it more than I.

Damn your pride, man. We need you. The crown needs you. Now rest.

Rubbish. Don't worry about me.

I'm in ripping good form.

She met you under the bells like she promised.

Kiss her, Nigel.

Kiss her.

Oh, damn.

Nazi scum.

What happened?

Is the movie over?

No, you fell asleep, you big girl.

So I put on a robot movie.

Oh, well, can I borrow bells of Portugal?

No, no.

I mean, Cheryl hasn't seen it yet.

Here, here. How about this one?

Kicked in the crotch.

Seen it.

Director's cut. Oh, gimme.

Five minutes of never -before -seen groin -kicking action.

I may be late to work tomorrow.

Oh, hey!

Hey!

Rocket dog!

Rocket dog!

Rocket dog!

I'm going to bed. I have a headache.

can never shut up.

Hey, are your eyes red?

Yes. Yeah? Yes, they are.

You know, I was watching a robot movie, and when I saw that action and violence,

I forget to blink.

Night, night. Night, night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Are you okay? You seem kind of weird.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm in ripping good form.

I mean, I'm fine.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Felicity, there's something I must tell you. What, Nigel, what?

turn those DVDs. What? No, why?

Why? Because you're going to start complaining about the late fees and

going to turn off the heat.

You have plenty of sweaters in your closet.

What do you mean?

The bells of Portugal?

Oh, Chuck, what a load that was.

You saw it?

Oh, yeah.

They got a thousand years of culture and they give us this? Thanks for the crap,

England.

Oh, and the hero, Neil or somebody? Nigel.

It's an English movie. There's always a Nigel.

So, Nigel goes to meet Felicity under the bells, and at the end... No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no!

Look, I don't think Cheryl wants to hear about some stupid pact or meeting under

some stupid bells.

The robot destroyed the world, and you know what? I loved it!

Okay, so if I go out to the player right now and pop out the DVD, it's going to

be that robot movie?

It is not sappy. It's a good movie.

Sorry, but when a man behaves like a lovesick teenage girl, I find it off

-putting.

You thought Nigel was like a girl?

I wasn't talking about Nigel. I think it's great that Jim watched a

sensitive, emotional movie and appreciated it.

It's a whole new level for him.

Ha! Face!

And a whole new level of maturity for us.

Hey, Jim, a big sensitive guy.

What do you say we put the kids to bed early and watch the movie together?

Delightful idea.

Show yourself to the door, young Dana.

No problem, and then I'll show myself down to the bar and tell all your

what a giant Nancy you are. Fake!

You won't do that, Dana.

Watch me.

Fourth of July, Margaritas, Carlos the lifeguard.

I was told I could rely on your discretion on that matter.

Yeah. That one kind of got away from me.

Then we'll say no more on the subject. Good day.

Picked the wrong time to fall in love.

I suppose no one told our hearts there was a war on.

London may pin her hopes on you and fight a command, Nigel, but the only

for our love now is Portugal.

You know what?

You're absolutely right, Cheryl.

I mean, I just feel totally cleansed.

It's like...

It's like all my pent -up anger stuck to the snot and went right into my tissue.

That's exactly what I've been saying, in a much less disgusting way.

Well, now that I'm absolutely in touch with my emotions, I bet you never wanted

me more.

Oh, I'll want you more after you brush your teeth.

You know, Cheryl, I don't understand why they didn't let Felicity and Nigel get

together at the end of that film.

I mean, just... It was just sad.

I don't know. It's just a movie.

Oh, damn it.

The top of this toothpaste fell down a drain. Now it's getting all clogged up.

You know what I want to get?

I want to get that pump toothpaste like the kids have.

Can you pick some up?

What?

Nothing.

All right, then.

Let's get down to some love.

Yeah, you know what, honey?

I really feel kind of emotionally drained from that movie. Maybe we should

go to sleep.

What? You said you wanted me.

I don't know how Cadillac man goes.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Jim. I got the bells of Portugal theme running through my

mind.

I know how you like that.

What do you know?

I know plenty.

Cheryl told you I cried?

Cried? No.

Dana told me you liked it. She didn't say you cried.

Dana.

So, bitch. Big, tough Jim cried, huh?

Hey, um, let me ask you, how are those boobs coming along?

Jim cried during the movie? Oh, God, I'd love to see that. No, no, you wouldn't.

That giant head holds a lot of tears.

That was freaky.

What happened to the woman who thought a sensitive man was strong and sexy?

Yeah, that looks good on paper, but when it's blubbering next to you on the

couch, yikes!

Maybe one manly tear slid down my cheek.

Kind of like that Indian who hated pollution.

You cried.

Atta girl.

Don't worry, I won't tell the guys.

Hey, I've got nothing to be embarrassed about here.

But don't tell the guys anyway.

Look, I think it's very healthy for our marriage for me to be vulnerable and for

Cheryl to see that. And you know what a good cry felt really good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought it was one tear, Chief.

Whatever. It was cathartic.

And I learned a new word.

Cathartic.

Well, hey, buddy, you're going to be real happy with this piece of news.

I'm just glad it's over. And I'll tell you something else. I am never watching

another movie like that with him again.

Cheryl! Cheryl!

Cheryl! Guess what's playing down at the mall.

Oh, please be something with crotch kicking.

No. Portuguese cathedral.

It's the sequel to our movie, Bells of Portugal.

And Nigel and Felicity have a second chance at love.

How could you do it, Nigel? How could you let me think you dead?

Get out!

I hate you!

I shouldn't wonder your anger, Felicity, but you must understand it couldn't be

helped. Life's a mistake.

coming up, I'm afraid we'll have to put our love on hold for the duration.

Never put me first.

old chump.

You're talking nonsense.

Damn straight, Nigel.

Jim, I need to talk to you in the lobby.

Well, we can't wait.

I mean, Felicia, you'll wait for Nigel. Mommy!

Bad and sexy.

And the movie ain't that bad either.

Come on, come on. What was so important? It's Felicity and Nigel up on the

screen. This is hard.

What? Okay, I'm going to start here.

Honey, you're making me sick.

I see, Cheryl.

Can you be a little more specific?

Yeah, I can't. It's the crying.

Crying?

At the movie? Yeah, yeah. You know, I thought I wanted you to be more

I really thought it was something I wanted, but I don't.

Sexy, Jim.

No, because you see me as like a girlfriend.

Well, like a giant baby, but okay.

Oh, you want to be married to a strong guy who bottles up all his emotions.

Exactly. So butch it up, would you?

I knew it. You know what? I blame myself for this.

I gave you what you said you wanted instead of what you needed. I know.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, honey.

Because. I'll tell you why.

It's very simple.

I was going to teach you a lesson.

You were faking? Yes.

Come on, Cheryl. I don't care about anybody's relationship. You think I give

crap about them?

Sometimes I forget who I'm married to.

I'm so great.

Now that you're my great big strong guy again, I can go in and cry my eyes out

at the rest of the movie.

Wait, you want to go see the rest of the movie now?

The end is supposed to be devastating.

Devastating?

Yeah. What?

You afraid you're going to cry?

No!

I was kidding.

this kind of movie? I do because they make me cry.

It's, it's, I mean, today I become a better person. I love you

all.

What kind of person refuses a hug?

Please, you're a mess.

What do you think?

Well, it used to be rated R meant you'd see some boobs.

I think I dropped my keys.

Oh, okay. I'll meet you in the lobby. Okay.

Portugal.

I still hear the sound of my bittersweet bells.