Original subtitles

And then, and then, Jim tried to set her up with the cable guy because he wanted

to get free pay -per -view. Yeah, and on our first date, he said he'd pick me up

on Saturday between 12 and 4.

Didn't show up till 5.

Is it so funny, Dr. Gibson?

Please, Cheryl, I've been dating your sister now for a month. You can call me

Ryan. Oh, oh, yeah, I know, but it's weird. I mean, because you're my

doctor and you've seen my... Hey, nonny, hey, hey.

Well, I was going to say medical records, but...

Okay. Hey, where have you been?

I had some business to square away with the matrony.

Oh, no. Did you lie and say it's your birthday to get free cake?

Cheryl, give me some credit.

I lied and said it was your birthday. Oh.

Happy 50th, by the way.

You told him I was 50?

Honey, it was a tough sale. I had to make it a milestone.

Don't worry, Cheryl. You do not look 50.

And he's seen your hey, nonny, hey, hey, so...

How's everyone's meal so far? Oh, it's delicious, and thank you so much for

recommending this wine.

It's one of my favorites. Well, it's perfect. Thank you, Greg.

Greg?

How do you know his name?

He introduced himself when he came to the table.

And you remembered it?

I didn't remember it.

Of course, I don't want to sleep with him.

flirted with that guy. You just hit on that guy right in front of me, right in

front of everybody, right in front of the world.

What are you talking about? All she did was say dinner is delicious.

Don't make me relive it.

I'm not interested in the waiter.

Oh, you didn't watch his tight little ass as it walked away?

No.

Obviously you did.

I don't know. Oh, my God.

You had the salmon.

He recommended the salmon.

You witnessed the whole thing.

What's your take on it?

I'm a little confused right now.

Because I ordered the salmon, too.

You know what?

It's insane.

It's insane. Honey, I'm going to give you some time to calm down.

Dana? Ladies room? Yeah. Say hi to sexy Greg for me.

Oh, oh, and here, here.

How about this?

Here's a quarter you can bounce off his tight young ass.

Are you going to eat those potatoes?

Excuse me? Too late.

Hey, Tim, what just happened here? I asked if you wanted your potatoes and

didn't say anything, so I took them.

No, I'm talking about Cheryl. You just went off on her about the waiter.

Oh, that.

Oh, yeah, I was faking jealousy.

What? Yeah, every couple of months or so I fake jealousy.

Makes her feel good, makes her happy.

Usually when I see happy, the smile goes this way. What's up?

I know, I know. She acts all mad.

But trust me, deep down inside, she's loving it.

And you know, it's real easy to do. I mean, sometimes you can do it with just

one word.

Watch, watch.

I forgot my lipstick.

Lipstick.

Lipstick.

Lipstick.

See how easy it is?

Thank you so much, girls. This is really going to hit the spot.

So can we stay up till 10 o 'clock?

How's that now?

You said if we brought you snacks, you'd let us stay up till 10.

No, Uncle Andy said he'd think about it.

And he has.

And you're not.

Nighty -night.

Come on!

You promised!

Yeah, I know, and that's tonight's lesson. Grown -ups are liars.

You got that water out of the toilet?

Just a little game of tag.

Yeah.

These mint juleps here are just pure joy.

Oh, stay.

All right, my baby girls, go up and get into bed, and I'll be right up to tuck

you in.

All in good fun, right, girls?

What? They're weird.

Oh, man, thanks a lot for dinner. I just don't know what happened to my wallet.

It's in your back pocket.

I'll be damned.

Always the last place you look.

All right.

Showtime.

Cheryl, you're killing me.

Cheryl, you're killing me.

Cheryl, you're killing me.

Are you still on that?

You bet I am. What's that waiter got that I don't have?

All his chromosomes.

Totally get me.

I can't believe after all these years you're still so jealous. Yeah, and I

believe after all these years you're still shaking it for any punk who'll

your water glass.

You're getting all worked up over nothing. Yeah.

Greg wasn't even the best looking waiter there.

All right, that's it.

That's it. No, I'm going down there. Andy, get some bail money because I'm

to need it.

I know you're the only man for me, Greg.

Very funny, very funny. Cheryl, that's very funny. I know.

Dana, you want to help me make coffee? Sure.

If my jealous husband will let me out of his sight for that long.

Go make coffee. It's not like I'm going to sleep anyway.

I'm going to be up all night.

Greg, Greg, Greg.

Nicely done, Jim. Thank you. Nicely done.

Wait a minute.

Andy, you know about this whole fake jealousy thing, too?

Fake jealousy?

Who said anything about fake jealousy?

I've never heard such a... Andy, I told him.

Yeah, I know a thing or two.

Okay, here's what I don't understand.

You're lying to your wife. Just morally speaking, aren't you on shaky ground?

Andy, were we ever that young?

Listen up, Gibson. The doctor of love is in. Okay. He's got a Ph .D. in

wifeology. Okay, listen. You're going to get a shot of Casanova cane.

Andy!

All right, listen, Doc.

See, a good friend of mine, Stevie B., once told me, you know what? You can

never take a relationship for granted.

So every once in a while, I go, you know, I'm nuts.

Jealousy nuts, you know, crazy jealousy, you know. I mean, I'll stomp my feet,

I'll yell, I'll make a scene, I'll throw something sometimes, but nothing of

value, nothing that's breakable.

See, it lets Cheryl know that I still care for her.

You know, just because she's my wife, it doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be

treated like a girlfriend.

Couldn't you just tell her you appreciate her?

This one gets the girlfriend, and I'm drinking toilet water. Where's the

justice?

I'm still not buying it.

Jim?

Honey, you seem kind of worked up. Can I get you a glass of wine?

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever.

All right, I'm just going to call Greg and see what he recommends.

God, she loves it.

You really know what you're talking about.

Come on, tell me more. Let's go.

Oh!

All in good time, my friend.

Hey, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Yeah, he once got Cheryl to do yard work on her birthday.

And she thanked him.

You know what, Doc?

You're in the in crowd now.

But there's a responsibility that comes with that.

Like what?

Keeping your yaps shut.

Dana can't know.

Because then Cheryl will know.

And that'll be bad.

Really bad for everybody.

I got it.

Real bad.

I got it.

Welcome to the inner circle. That's right. Sweet, isn't it? Three

A colleague of mine gave me tickets to Le Note de Figaro. Oh.

Is that opera?

Kind of hoping you'd know.

Why don't we just scalp him and tie one on his steakhouse?

You totally get me.

Hey, Chip, I'll have the usual, please. You got it, Dana.

And for you?

Decaf latte.

By the way, we got those maple scones you like? Oh, I've got to have one of

those. Thanks, Chip.

How do you know his name?

Oh, I come in here almost every day.

Do you hit on him every day or just in front of me?

What? All I did was order coffee and a scone. Scone?

Scone?

Scone!

Did you want one too?

How long has this been going on, huh? How long have I been your patsy?

You're making a scene. Scene? You want a scene? I'll give you a scene.

Because I'm jealous.

I'm crazy!

Imagine if that had been like a real mug for a dolphin.

That would have been a scene.

going to have to show me if you can clean up after your brother first.

Just let me know how it turns out.

He said I was flirting with this guy in the coffee shop and he flew into this

jealous rage for no reason. I'm here for you.

sure he just had a bad day. You know what you need to do?

You need to just call him. I'm sure there's an explanation.

That is the worst thing you could do.

Don't call him. He's a jerk.

Come on. He upsets you.

Forget him. Make a clean break. Move to another town. I'll help you pack.

Jim. No.

Cheryl, for once, Jim is right. When I left the coffee shop, I called Ryan and

broke up with him on his answering machine. We are over.

I am proud of you, girl.

I am so proud of you. That comes so much courage.

Listen to me. Men are really trouble.

They're bad.

I always thought you'd make a better lesbian anyway.

All right.

I'll get that, all right? But I'm going to take this with me in case you feel

weak. And your cell phone.

Dana, I'm all about you.

Baby, I'm sorry.

But, you know, look at the bright side. At least you found out early.

Not like going out and bought a wedding dress.

I'm going to talk to Dana. I know she's... Calm down! Calm down!

Okay.

I know what happened, and we're going to work on it. Let me cover this first.

What's that?

I took your advice and Dana broke up with me. Of course she did.

What? Look, when you act jealous when you're married, it's romantic.

When you act jealous when you're dating, you're a psycho.

You never told me that. It was implied.

You never treat a girlfriend like a girlfriend. You treat a girlfriend like

wife.

Oh, man, I've ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me. Damn right.

don't think our relationship's going to recover.

I'm talking about Dana.

I'm just going to go in there and tell her the truth. The truth?

Come on, Doc.

How many points do you think you're going to score with Dana telling her

gave you this advice?

I'm screwed.

Yeah.

What am I supposed to do? Well, just don't panic, all right? You're new at

I'm going to walk you through it. You just got to listen to me. Listen to me.

But taking your advice got me here in the first place.

You want to argue with me? You're going to be doing ten push -ups.

But I just feel like... But, but, but, but, I think I found somebody like...

You!

That's 20 for you now.

Come on, let me see him.

Hey, you want Dana back or not?

Come on!

Hop it!

All right.

Here's the plan.

Nice form, by the way.

Who was the guy that you pretended to be jealous over?

Chip. The guy that works at the coffee shop she always goes to.

Chip.

Yeah, that's good.

We're going to need Chip.

Why? That why just cost you $40.

Don't you mean $30? $50!

Keep that buck down!

Look at her.

There's my future.

This is hard. Do you know what you need to do?

You need to talk to Mom.

Why would I do that?

Because I already told him she's calling you later.

Cheryl! You know what? She was writing me about not circumcising Kyle. I had to

change the subject.

Here are your coffees, ladies.

This one's on me, Dana. Oh, thank you.

My pleasure.

That'll be $2 .25, ma 'am.

So, where's your guy?

Oh, we broke up.

Yeah.

you were flirting with me that you two just weren't gonna make it.

No, I wasn't flirting with you.

Dana, there's one thing I've learned in the coffee game.

It's when a lovely lady is looking for company.

Okay, I've officially hit rock bottom.

By the way, Raging Kegger, Saturday night.

Chipser hates flying solo.

Now I'm looking up at rock bottom.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

If this kid thinks you were flirting with him, maybe you were.

Oh, my God, maybe I was.

That means Ryan is not a complete psycho. And I'm just a pathetic flirt

to attract men to validate her own self -worth.

That's just what Mom said.

Oh, my God.

I've got to go find Ryan.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Oh, no problem. That's what sisters are for.

Hey, Mom, it's me.

a pathetic flirt?

No, Kyle is too old to have it done now.

Well, that was dad's generation.

And in closing, I urge you to consider dumping the purple horseshoes from your

otherwise fine cereal.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yours truly.

CC the governor? As always.

happy couple. Yeah, Cheryl told me the good news. You guys are back together,

huh? Yeah, it was all a silly misunderstanding. You want to hear all

Not really.

I was just being polite.

Cheryl in the kitchen?

Yeah, she has to clean up after the dog.

You don't have a dog.

It's a long story.

Didn't I tell you slipping the chipster 50 bucks is going to fix it? Yeah, you

were right.

Of course he was right, Harvard.

Went to Columbia.

Whatever, Harvard.

Just thank the man.

Oh, no, no thanks is necessary.

You're on the inside now, and we take care of our own.

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

You didn't say anything, did you? No.

Not at first. What?

What did you say?

Everything. I told her everything. What?

Everything, everything?

Yeah, I don't want to start a relationship based on deceit. What was

say?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, I made a promise not to

anything to Cheryl. Oh, my God.

Why don't you keep your yap shut and not tell Cheryl?

Jim, for the life of me, I have no idea what you're talking about. How much,

Dana? $20 ,000.

What?

I could have you killed for five.

Relax, you jackass. I'm not going to tell her.

You're not?

No.

What's the catch?

There is no catch.

Look, I don't get it, but for some strange reason...

Cheryl loves it when you get jealous.

And I know in your own twisted way, you're just trying to show your wife

you love her.

Why would I ruin that for her?

Wow.

That's... really nice?

Yeah.

Don't get used to it. And listen, if you ever give Ryan advice again, unless

it's secretly coming from me, I will come down on you like the hammer of God.

Hold on. I'd like you to drop and give me 20 push -ups. What?

Yeah, Brian told me that, too.

Well, he's a little chatterbox, isn't he?

Make it 30.

I'm not doing that.

Oh, shit. Okay, okay. Count them on.

One. And two. Keep your back straight, Sally. Oh.

Four. And five.

Put some love in it. Six.