Original subtitles

All right.

Is everybody ready for some winter fun?

Yeah!

Let's go sledding.

Oh, God.

Daddy, it's really cold.

I know. It's colder than a witch's nose.

All right.

Let's go to plan B.

Yay!

A little lecture on safety.

Not a word to your mother.

Andy,

you all right?

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

So, we gonna go to the park, go sledding?

No, it's too cold out.

Sounds like plan B.

Go get your bike helmets.

And again, not a word of this to your mother.

Oh, baby.

Gordon's got Earnhardt boxed in. He can't make a move.

Come on, Junior. Pass up that pretty boy.

We'll be right back with more NASCAR action right after this.

All right, kids.

Pit stop. Let's move.

Move it, move it, move it. Big dances. Let's go.

Soul hustle.

I need a wipe down.

Racists are one in the pits.

18 seconds, better.

But you don't wipe the lips, you pat.

You know, Annie, it's times like these I'm glad I had an extra child.

You're a good father, Jim.

Hey, guys, where's Cheryl?

She's on the couch.

No, she's not.

Then I don't know.

Well, she wanted to borrow this dress for your date tonight.

Speaking of which, when you're babysitting tonight, can you get the

a little earlier? They're way off their times today. Actually, Jim, I can't

babysit tonight. I have another date with Dr. Gibson.

My 17th.

18th, if you count the time he caught me following him.

So, my loser days are over.

All right. Guess I gotta go to the loser bullpen.

You're up.

Yeah, sorry. I'm busy, too. The Sci -Fi Film Club meets tonight.

Damn it!

I forgot my cape at the dry cleaners. Now my wizard hat's just going to look

stupid.

Cheryl, Cheryl, guess what?

We got no babysitter for tonight. The selfish twins here have decided to have

social life instead of helping us get away from our kids.

Don't worry, I got a sitter.

Who? I met this great woman at the park. She'll be here at 7. The park?

Yeah.

Oh, are the dog tracks closed?

Honey, she's a nice woman. She'll take good care of our kids.

What happened to Mrs. Bishop? I liked her.

She died.

Remember, we couldn't go to her funeral because we couldn't find a sitter?

Cheryl, I'm not going to let someone I've never met babysit our kids.

I've watched Mrs. Nelson at the park with the kids she takes care of, and she

wonderful. She is. It's going to be fine. Would you just trust me on this?

Trust? Yes.

Okay, Cheryl, I'll trust you. Okay. We'll use your hobo from the park.

But I don't want to hear you complain when we get home and Ruby's kidney is in

cooler off to Mexico.

Okay, Jim. Hey, Dana, let's go see how this looks on me. Oh, I'm sure you'll be

the prettiest girl in the bowling alley snack bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at me.

I'm sure and I trust everybody.

I'm so nice.

Yeah, I don't push cars into intersections when they cut me off.

Yeah, she got mom's kind heart and I got dad's enlarged prostate.

You know what, Andy, I'm telling you, I don't feel good about this babysitter.

You know what I'm going to do?

Spitballing here, but something sneaky and underhanded.

Bingo.

I'm going to get one of those little cameras, those little hidden cameras

you see on the news. Oh, yeah, those nanny cameras. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've

those. They put them in stuffed animals and in pop cans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What

do you think that'll set me back?

Ten, fifteen bucks? Oh, closer to a hundred. Hundred?

Come on!

What? All right, no price too high to protect my kids.

Want to go hamsies with me?

They're not my kids. I said hamsies!

Come on!

Fine. Good.

All right, let's go get ourselves a camera.

Hey, you gonna tell Cheryl?

Yeah, right, right. And I have to listen to her right to privacy and civil

liberties nonsense?

Forget it. Yeah, where are the civil liberties for the guy parked outside the

yoga studio taking a few tasteful pictures?

You know what, Andy?

If I am wrong about this babysitter thing, and I hope that I am, Sharon will

never know that I spied on her. And if the babysitter's no good?

Then I can throw that whole naive, trusty thing back in her face.

And protect the kids.

Right, yeah, protect the kids.

Hey,

what are you doing?

I'm just looking at the videos of the babysitter.

Anything good?

Nah. For a moment there, I thought I saw Mrs. Nelson popping pills.

Turned out it was just fiber.

Oh, you put it in the kitchen?

Yeah, why?

No reason. I'm just thinking we've got a lot of work to do, Jim, so why don't we

hop to it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

Gracie studies more when she's grounded.

All right, here.

Here's the babysitter again.

Hey, look it.

It looks like she's teaching him how to gamble.

Got any threes?

Go fish.

I just love you kids.

We love you too, Mrs. Nelson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jim.

Is she hugging or feeling for that kidney?

Babysitter is spotless.

Cheryl's right.

The kids are safe.

Crap.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.

It's Cheryl and Dana. I want to see what they say about me.

I don't know, Andy. Do you think you're strong enough?

Jim, please.

I grew up with him. I've heard all the teasing.

Andy's a jerk.

Why would you say that?

Because he is.

Yeah, kind of.

I'm not going to lie to you. That one stinks.

Oh, my God.

You didn't know.

No!

I can't believe it. My own wife's keeping secret money from me.

What the hell's going on?

What are you going to do?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to play this.

Wait. What's to play, man? You take the money. We go get us some lap dances down

at the Oval Office.

That, my friend, is how you check your woman.

Yeah, well, when I'm checking her, should I be wearing my cape or my wizard

had my charm amulet, I'd put a whammy on you. Oh, son.

This is important, Andy.

I got it. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to crawl up there, open that, take a little money out every day, and

then let's watch her go crazy on our hidden camera. Oh, that's genius.

Serves her right, man.

It's like I say, Jim, you can't trust anybody except me.

What do you mean? You just sold out a seven -year -old girl to cover your own

ass?

I don't need to take her to the circus.

You're welcome.

Hey. Hey.

Aren't you supposed to be working?

I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things.

I'm glad you're here. Come here. Sit down. What?

I think Mrs. Nelson has been stealing from my stash.

You're kidding.

That sweet old lady.

I know. I know. I saw the same thing that just started happening when we

her. How much did she take?

Well. First, I thought it was 50, but I just checked, and there's more gone.

I know. I just don't know how to prove it.

I'll fill a sock with oranges. We'll get the truth out of her.

No, we can't beat up an old lady. Can't or won't, Cheryl.

I know, I know. You should get one of those little cameras that people use to

check up on their nannies and boyfriends. I mean, nannies.

No, I couldn't do that to Mrs. Nelson. That's an invasion of her privacy. I

wouldn't want to violate her civil liberties.

I'm sure a lot of people do that. You know, they had a whole series on it in

news last week.

Well, I guess if people on TV are doing it, it must be okay.

But you can't tell Jim because I made such a big deal about how great she is.

Oh, please. I didn't tell him when he set his shirt on fire. Why would I tell

him this?

Let's go get one of those cameras. Cool.

Hey, and if I'm wrong about Mrs. Nelson stealing, Jim never needs to know. Okay.

And what if you're right?

Well, then I'll find a way to fire her and save face.

Yeah. and protect the kids.

Right, right, the kids.

All right, girls, outside.

Mama needs a VCR.

Well, it's Annie.

We love her. Well, it's a hard knock life. Come on, beat it, beat it.

Why don't you guys go play orphan and you can sing and dance like Annie? Can

scrub the floors?

Well, that's what orphans do.

I'm just going to fast forward until we see something we want. Okay.

Jim and Andy.

No. End of discussion.

No. Jim, all I'm saying is if you have the three stooges in a haunted house,

throw in a gorilla? That's a whole other movie.

Will you keep an eye out?

I'm going up.

Yes, yes, yes.

I think I'm just going to take $25 out this time.

You know what?

It's enough to drive Cheryl nuts, but not distract her from making dinner.

Once again.

Kudos on your healthy marriage.

You know what? I just love my nanny cam. It is so great to see Cheryl count the

money over and over again.

It's like a chicken pecking at herself in a mirror.

She can't figure it out.

Figure it out now, didn't I, smartass?

That Jim is spying on you with a nanny cam. That is so dishonest.

I know.

Well, if he wants to drive me crazy, too can play at that game. Really?

How? We are going to put on a little show for his nanny cam.

Okay, but I'm not going to do anything embarrassing.

Dina, you kissed my mop.

No, I kissed back.

Cheryl, you sure saved a bundle of... the store today, Cheryl.

Yeah, saved a bundle by buying expired meat.

So, Cheryl, if you're gonna skim off the top, you gotta cut costs somewhere,

Cheryl.

I know my name, Dana. Right, right.

Right, right, Cheryl, you do.

Sorry.

Hey, this week's take brings me up to $500.

Time to put it in the big jar.

Yeah, the big jar.

It's what's in the big jar. It brings me up to my goal.

$15 ,000, baby.

$15 ,000. Oh, my God. I can't believe it. Congratulations.

Thanks. Took me 12 years, but I did it. Now I can put that down payment down on

Monday. Oh, yes, the down payment. Oh, boy, do I envy you.

That thing that you're putting the down payment on is great.

What a thing.

And the best part is, Jim will never know.

Okay, now let's go take this and bury it in the backyard in the secret place

with the other money.

The best part is, Jim will never know.

I already said that, Dana.

thing you spied on her, you never would have found out how sneaky she is.

And what about the down payment?

What's that about?

I don't know. Hey, would Cheryl have any use for a personal submarine?

No. Hovercraft?

No. Jetpack?

Annie, she's a thief, not a nerd.

Come on, let's go dig up that $15 ,000 before she does something stupid with

Wow, 15 grand.

Man, if I had that, I'd learn Italian and get calf implants.

Woo, that was fun. I haven't been drinking in the middle of the day in a

time.

Yeah, have a few kids.

What's that noise?

Sounds like a hack jammer.

You mean a jackhammer?

years of kids' pets.

Jim, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm digging up $15 ,000 that you buried

you thieving pirate. Oh, my God. This is great.

I hope I remember it tomorrow.

Come on, Cheryl. We know all about your dirty submarine money.

Now, we demand an explanation and the first ride.

There is no $15 ,000.

Please, enough with the lie. I know. I saw it with my own eyes. I had a nanny

cam up there in the kitchen.

I know, because I saw you on my nanny cam.

What? You have a nanny cam, too?

Yeah, because I thought someone was stealing from me, and it was you.

Two nanny cams and no smoke detectors. What does that say about your family?

All right, I'm out of here.

Oh, me too. You can kiss this frozen buck goodbye.

Hey, Andy, can I have a ride home?

Why should I? You called me a jerk. Well, you are a jerk.

Yeah, kind of. Come on.

So you're telling me there's no $15 ,000?

No, no, just the $400 in the cabinet.

Aha! So you admit to having a secret stash of money.

Yeah.

Oh, Cheryl, I don't know. It's those damn desperate housewives.

Ever since you started watching that show, you've changed.

Why are you hiding the money?

I do it to keep the peace around here. What are you talking about peace?

Jim, have you noticed we don't fight about money anymore?

Yeah, because you stopped spending so much of it. No, no.

I spend the same as I always did. You just don't know about it.

Cheryl, I need to know where the money goes here.

What are you spending it on? Oh, good God, woman, you're not giving it to

charity, are you?

I spend it on ordinary things we use every day, like shoes and clothes and

for the kids. Oh, Cheryl, I don't care about that. I've never cared about that.

Pam, you go crazy if anything costs more than it did in 1940.

I do not.

Yeah, you do. You overreact.

Tell me one time I've overreacted.

All right.

Besides today.

Cheryl, Cheryl, I need to know how every penny is spent in this household.

All right, then we're going to fight.

No, we're not going to fight.

All right, fine.

I got my hair done the other day. What do you think that costs?

You're toying with me, aren't you? You think I'm going to say $20?

$5?

$35?

Please don't make it $40.

$85. $85?

Andy cuts my hair for $5 and throws in a delightful scalp massage.

Well, since you're handling that so well, Kyle's shoes cost $45.

$45? Yeah.

Ruby's soccer uniform, 60 bucks.

60? Yeah. She stinks.

She hasn't scored a goal in three years. Well?

Well, why can't you just make her uniform?

Oh, you know, that's a great idea. Hey, and I'll make Kyle's shoes, too. I'm

just going to go on down to the mall and pick me up one of them there cobbler's

benches. Yeah, that'll probably be about 600 dollars. And you know what? We'll

get a cow, because then the leather will be free.

You know what we're going to need? pay for the couch. We're going to need to

a combine. That'll be about, oh, I'd say a quarter of a million dollars. I don't

have a quarter of a million dollars, Carol. You don't need a quarter of a

million dollars.

Jim, we're fine.

We are more than fine.

I just don't think I'll ever believe that.

Oh, I know.

Just because you don't believe it doesn't mean it's not true.

Come on, you've got to trust me.

You playing a trust card again?

See? Wasn't it better when you didn't know anything?

Ah, the good old days.

I wish I could be that ignorant again.

Maybe. You will be.

Thanks for believing in me. Yeah.

All right, here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to hide my stash in a new place, and you are not going to look for

Is that the cat?

No, it's the gerbil.

You know what? We've got to get that nanny cam out of the kitchen. It's

I already took mine out.

Really? Where is it?

I can't remember.

Hey, you know what?

You should take a shower. It suds up a little bit more this time. Oh.

And use that shower massager.

Oh.