Original subtitles

Ah, grade school.

Really takes me back.

Spelling bees, the book reports.

Patching kids in the playground.

Blowing up toilets.

It was a magical time.

Okay, girls, come on, let's go.

Bye, Dad. Oh, my little boy, sweetheart, you have fun today, all right?

No pressure, princess, but you better get all A's like I did.

But you didn't get one in gym.

Her evil's growing stronger, Jim, I can feel it.

Come on, baby, let's go.

Hey, see that sign there?

Father -daughter dance, Saturday night. Are you ready to bogey and party with

your daddy?

Could you please not do that?

Oh, okay, we'll save it for Saturday night.

All right, now give your dad a big kiss, because I've got to go to work and earn

that money to put you through public school.

No.

Why not?

I just don't want to.

Come on, you always kiss me goodbye.

I've got to go.

I did not flunk Jim, okay? I took an incomplete because I didn't want to

with the boys.

I don't like man sweat.

I'm getting a throat.

Dana,

I need you to take these low -carb brownies I made and tell me if you think

will know the difference.

Um...

Not if you put ice cream on it and smother it in chocolate sauce.

But deep fry it first just to make sure.

Hey, honey, how was work?

My work was fine. It's your work that I'm worried about.

What did you do to Ruby?

What are you talking about?

She's moody, she's surly, and her attitude stinks.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

Well, I'm not the bad parent because I'm never around here.

She would not kiss me goodbye today at school.

And while we're at it, Gracie's not a day at the beach either.

Can you guys just calm down? I am her daddy.

She's supposed to kiss me. What's going on here?

Jim, there comes a time in every woman's life when they realize you're creepy.

You know, there comes a time in every woman's life that they should go home

get their own life.

Jim,

I know what Ruby did.

You know, you just can't take it personally.

That's easy for you to say. She isn't your daughter.

Yeah, I mean, she kind of is.

She's just being a nine -year -old girl.

You know, she's right. I read about this in my parenting books.

It's the classic first step towards independence. It's very healthy.

But is it healthy for a single childless woman to have parenting books?

Mom sends them to me, okay?

Just like she sends you those Russian bride catalogs.

Yeah, but I don't use them the way she wants me to.

You guys know what I mean when I say that?

Jim, if it helps any, it's not just you.

When I take her to the mall, she's embarrassed to be seen doing these, so

walks like 20 feet ahead.

All right, that's shit.

That's the end of this era.

I'm going to go nip it in the butt.

It's bud.

It's a gardening reference.

Oh, famous sayings. It's always my Achilles tendon.

Okay, okay, okay.

Come on, sit down.

Sit down. I am telling you, it's perfectly normal. I did the exact same

my father.

Oh, and look where he is. He's dead.

It had nothing to do with me. He was hit by a bus. Yeah, or did he fling himself

in front of the bus because you didn't kiss him goodbye?

Jim. All right, all right, all right.

Well, what are we supposed to do with Ruby? Well, sometimes the best thing to

is nothing. Nothing? Yes, you need to leave it alone.

Ruby's going through a phase.

Oh, I know all about those. Remember that summer fling I had with Edith

Anderson? Yeah.

What's it like getting dumped by a 75 -year -old woman?

She didn't dump me. She forgot who I was.

All right, say I take your advice and do nothing. Well, I'm guessing Ruby will

just come around.

She doesn't kill me first.

Look at it this way.

She'll get hers when she has her own kids.

Sweet.

All right, I guess I could just take a deep breath and just not let her get to

me, that's all.

Exactly. I mean, come on, I'm the adult here, right? Yes, you are.

You are my great big adult.

Now, would you go upstairs and get Ruby for dinner? Yeah, sure.

What's this? You're throwing up brownies now?

Hello, Carl.

Oh, carry on.

What are you going to wear to the dance Saturday night?

My dress is pink.

So don't wear pink.

Hey, Rue. Time for dinner.

What? I'm on the phone.

Well, I can see that, honey, but it's time to hang up now. Come on.

Hold on.

No. I'm telling Ashley something important.

I hear that.

But perhaps you can continue your conversation after we dine.

Hey, just go away.

So anyway, Madison says she has some sparkling nail polish. I'm going to

on my lip gloss for her nail polish. Hey!

Goodbye, Ashley.

You can't talk to me like that. I'm your father. I'm not your Uncle Andy.

Well, you can't just...

Tomorrow, you're going to kiss me goodbye at school again.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You're not the boss of me. I certainly am the boss of you.

I put food on the table. I buy you those Justin Timberwolf albums.

So you're going to listen to me, young lady, and you're going to start loving

me.

in your seat next to Daddy?

No, I want to sit here now, next to Uncle Andy.

If I could bottle this charisma, I'd be a millionaire.

What the hell's this?

I'm not sitting next to Jim.

I did my time in this seat. Now I'm not going back.

Sit.

Hey, Ruby, watch it. Uncle Andy steals food off your plate.

Yeah, and toilet paper from your apartment.

If you're going to spring for the aloe stuff, you should lock it up.

Hey, what the hell is this? What's she doing sitting next to me?

Where's Ruby? Hey, I don't like it any more than you do. Ruby took my seat.

Oh.

Ruby doesn't want to sit next to Daddy, huh?

Well, okay, that's fine.

Could somebody please pass the cheese?

Ruby, it's right next to you.

That's okay.

It's okay. I'm not the boss of her anymore. Right, Ruby?

There it is again.

What the hell is that? You teach her that?

All righty. Well, I'm going to go into the kitchen and talk. And just so I

look crazy, you want to join me, Jim?

What? This could be a long one.

I went upstairs to get Ruby for dinner.

Did anything happen?

She started it.

Oh, God, what happened?

Well, I went up there and she became impossible.

I told her to knock it off and I ordered her to love me.

You know that only works with Andy.

Cheryl, we have two different kinds of parenting styles, all right? I'm a busy

man. I work all day. I don't have time to write out a phase.

You need to just eat. Leave it alone.

I tried to, but you weren't there. She called me a dumbass.

She was?

You know, with her eyes.

Look, Jim, I know this isn't going to be easy, but really, we just have to, we

just have to ride this out. Give her some time.

Yeah, time, time, right?

That's not going to work for me.

I have a better idea.

Hey, hey, honey, just for fun, you want to run that plan by me real quick?

Cheryl, you're going to have to watch.

And learn. She wants to mess with me, I can mess with her. Okay, but just think

about this one thing.

Ruby makes a much better nine -year -old than you do.

We'll see.

Is it me, or is this spaghetti not her best effort?

It's better than her brownies.

Well, well, well, Cheryl.

Everything looks so delicious.

From here, from where I'm sitting, it's something else.

Hey, Gracie, why don't you come up here and sit on Daddy's lap?

Why?

Because I love you.

Come on, sit on my lap.

Hey, Gracie, look at this.

You like the view?

Get used to it.

Because one day this could all be yours.

When in the future, you become head of the family.

But I want to live underwater with all the mermaids.

Yeah, I'd hitch your wagon to that dream.

Jim?

Honey, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just loving my daughter.

How about that? How was your day today?

I made a house out of macaroni.

Isn't that funny?

I build houses, and I eat macaroni.

appreciative laughter, music to my ears.

Go ahead, baby, go ahead.

Okay, so my teacher took out this huge box full of different colored macaronis,

and I got to pick. I picked a bunch of orange ones. Orange, what a great story,

orange.

But I'm not done. Oh, we can fill in the blanks, honey.

Now give Daddy a little kiss on the cheek.

I'll kiss you, Daddy. Of course you will, because I'm your father, and it's

cool, baby.

Come on up here and sit on my lap. Son, there's room for two of us. Yeah, at

least.

Oh, Daddy.

Yes, my dear, my dove, my young love.

I know what you're doing, and it's so lame.

Ruby. And I'm not going to that school dance with you either.

It's okay. Just relax.

Gotta wait it out. She doesn't want to miss that dance.

Okay, get off my lap. Off my lap.

30, the dance starts in half an hour.

So? So.

You said that Ruby would come around. She hasn't, so you need to go up there

talk to her. Cheryl, will you relax?

She's going to crack.

Believe me.

You know what your problem is? You don't understand the female mind.

And you do.

Absolutely not.

No one does. It's a bee's nest up there.

But I do understand my daughter.

And she wants to go to that father -daughter dance. Believe me.

Guess what?

I just came from Ruby's room where she asked me to do her hair for the dance.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

Right o 'clock.

Good thing Daddy didn't forget to get a corsage.

Amateur.

Amateur. Time for me to put my suit on.

You know what? I do understand children. Maybe I should write a book.

Maybe you should read one first.

I'll draw.

You must keep your goldfish in stitches.

Wow.

Look at you.

All ready for the dance?

Yep. Well, I'm going to put my suit on and I'll be down in a minute.

I'm not going with you. I have somebody else.

Look who's got her sense of humor back.

Hello?

What are you doing out of bed? Ruby said you were really sick and... Why does

everybody look at me so weird?

Ruby?

What are you doing?

I was about to go to this dance with Daddy.

Well, I want to go with Uncle Andy.

Oh, Jim, I swear I had no idea.

God, I hate these awkward silences. I'm just going to talk until someone

interrupts me and then... Dana, shut up.

I don't want to be late.

No, no, stop.

Nobody's going anywhere.

Jim.

Well, it's obvious that she wants to go to the dance with her Uncle Andy.

Just let her go.

Jim, I can't take it.

Take her to the dance.

It's this god awful. charisma all right i

guess you should go to the dance that's what you want is that what you want

Well, at least the tradition of Andy taking a relative to the dance is alive

well.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm not loving being a parent right now.

I've been there.

She dumped me for Andy.

Can you believe that? That guy can't even dance. Have you seen him dance?

joke.

She wanted to go with you.

Well, then why did she pick Andy?

Why is she pushing me away?

Because she's trying to grow up.

She's trying to be your own person. Isn't that what you want? No.

I want my little girl who says I love you, Danny, and gives me lots of kisses.

Oh, I know.

That'll always be a part of her. It's just...

Gonna be a little bit more on her terms. No, not terms.

She's too young for terms.

You know what the thing is, Jim? I mean, she's gonna push.

She just needs to know we're gonna be there.

Yeah. I don't get that.

Okay.

What's the first thing you do when you buy a belt?

Oh. I bend over and tie my shoes to make sure the belt can take the strain.

But you don't really want it to break because you need it to support you.

You're good, lady.

You are really good.

I'm the belt, right?

Hi, Ashley.

Where's your dad?

He's not here.

So who brought you?

Oh, uh, nobody.

Hey, Ruby, come on out.

I hope you are programmed to boogie.

That weird guy knows your name.

You should tell a chaperone.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was taking a walk in my suit and I heard some music, so I thought I'd come

in.

You know, if you dumped that guy, nobody would blame you.

I would, but he's my ride.

I got wheels, baby.

I'm here, Stan.

You can hang with me. What do you say?

Well... Can we dance while you think

about it?

I guess.

Yeah.

I'm not a very good dancer, okay?

So if I step on your toes, you'll tell me?

It's okay. Uncle Andy stepped on my back.

You know what, Ruby?

Look, if you don't want to kiss me when I drop you off at school anymore, or

whatever, it's okay.

Is there any time that it would be okay, though?

Well... I guess you can kiss me at bedtime or when I'm sick.

Or when you come home from work.

How about when your friends are over?

No.

What if they walk in the other room?

Way too risky.

I get it.

Ruby, Tuesday, look at you.

Do you know that you are the most beautiful girl here tonight?

Thank you, Daddy.

And you look so grown up. You know why?

Because you kind of are.

You think I look 12?

Oh, 13, easy.

Hey, Ruby, want to go hang out at the snack table with me, Beth, and Aaron?

Well, I'm kind of dancing with my dad.

No, no, no, that's okay.

No, go ahead.

Look, we got your whole life to dance.

Go ahead.

But just remember, when you come back, I'll still be here.

But, honey, bring me some cookies.

Hey.

You know, I've had eight of those jello shots.

I think they're just jello.

So, everything okay with you and Ruth?

Yeah, for now.

You see, I'm the belt.

And I'm also the pair of pants, you see.

And then I bend over and, uh... You know, you gotta talk to Cheryl about

All I know is from now on, I gotta really work hard at not embarrassing the

little girl.

I hear that, my friend.

Let's kick this pig!

Let's bump butts!

Down low!

Up high!

Get around!

Is this too much?

Not enough.