Original subtitles

Daddy. Yes, my son.

What color is God?

Blue.

That's why America put the blue in the flag.

What are you drawing?

A picture of me and God playing soccer.

Oh, that's cute, honey.

But God doesn't play soccer, he plays football.

Who's that?

That's God's best friend, Mike Ditka.

You get whatever costume you want. Go on. Yay!

Under $3.

Jim, you can't get a costume for $3.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Here, look at this.

I'm a sheriff. Look at my shiny tin star. And it only cost me five bucks.

Yeah, well, not if it's broken.

Oh, Jim, look, an electronic talking golem head.

We must haves it. We must haves it. Come on, you're creeping me outside.

Why does it hurts us?

Stop it.

Oh, I hate this. I never know what to wear.

Dana, do we really have to do this?

What? It's Halloween. You don't have a boyfriend. You know you're going to show

the goods.

What? Yeah, yeah, you're thinking French maid, go -go dancer, or cheerleader.

It's Catwoman.

I wore it in the shower, and now it fits purr -fect.

What did Mom do to you?

Hey, Cheryl, check it out.

I got a giant ass.

Then again, who am I to talk?

I don't know, Andy.

Should we be two guys with giant asses? I don't know, Jim. It's almost too

clever.

We need something to rock.

Hey, I got it.

Why don't we go as kids?

Yeah, I'll be Gene Simmons and you'll be Paul Stanley.

Liking it? No, loving it. Yes, yes.

I'll do the tongue thing and I'll blow fire and I'll spit blood. What do I do?

Hey, throw a sock in your pants and enjoy being the second most popular guy

the band.

Daddy, look at her costumes.

I'm going to be a cowgirl. Wow, look at that. And I'm sale.

Wow.

I am going to be Lady Liberty. Look at you.

I'll be at the bar.

What bar?

Any bar.

Here. Can't really enjoy the snow.

Is Daddy going to be okay?

Yeah, funny.

Yeah, he didn't talk the whole way home.

Even when that lady showed him the bad finger.

I told her she was just waving.

She thinks Daddy's name is Richard.

cookies in the kitchen all right you guys remember just take one thank you

jim jim don't worry about it it's a halloween costume it's a dress

and i can't believe that i stood there and watched you buy a dress for my

only son well technically you were on a time out in the car at that point

Why Cinderella?

Well, he has two sisters. He watches that video with them.

The video.

What are you doing?

No more tapes.

Tapes make girls.

Oh.

Look at this.

Free to be you and me. Not anymore.

Sam. Here.

Cinderella. I can't believe you keep this garbage in the house while you make

hide my tapes in the upstairs closet.

Yeah, Jim, we're all really fooled by that big box marked tax returns.

Well, I'm throwing them out.

What? No, no, the girls love this.

That's my point, Cheryl. The girls, exactly.

My boy hangs out with all the girls.

You, Ruby, the little one. Gracie. Gracie.

You girls are very cliquish.

In order to feel like he's in the in crowd, he's got to put on a dress.

Oh, would you rather he pick a violent costume like a killer ninja or a soldier

with a machine gun?

I would be very proud of my son if he were to honor our brave men in uniform.

Or the killer ninjas.

Oh, okay. You know what? You know what? I get it. I get it.

You're worried that if he puts on a dress, he's going to turn out to be gay.

No, Cheryl. Wrong, Cheryl. If he turns out to be gay, there's nothing I can do

about it. But I can still raise him to be a man, and men don't wear dresses.

Oh, come on. You know, Dana and I put Andy in girls' clothes all the time, and

he turned out...

Anyway, it's not a big deal.

Cheryl.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Kyle.

Come on, honey, you know you have to play nice, right? No monsters, no

Yes, mommy.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't listen to her.

You listen to me, okay?

You, you, you hunt those girls down, okay?

You catch those girls and you stick boogers all over their face.

You understand me?

That a boy. Go get him.

And sometimes they hide in the dryer.

Okay.

I finally see what the problem is. You?

Yes, you.

Cheryl, come on. You're not letting a boy be a boy.

You tell him, Kyle, no yelling. Kyle, no running. Kyle, watch over with me. It's

about diets.

What are you talking about? Just so I don't want him to terrorize his sisters?

Cheryl, that's what boys do.

And when they grow up, they play sports and they hit each other for fun and

throw big things off the roof for no reason at all.

Is that what happened to that watermelon?

No, Cheryl, we blew that up with illegal fireworks.

Why? Because we're men.

And we had illegal fireworks.

Yeah, honey, you're an excellent male role model.

I can't believe I didn't pick up on what you've been doing.

You let these little girls paint his toenails.

You asked him to bake cookies with you.

Who's that?

I even got him his own little apron.

It's so cute.

Cheryl, that is not cute.

Yes, it is. No, that is sick.

Cheryl, you have one job as a mother.

Keep the girls off the pole and the boy off the pole. of a dress.

Is that so hard?

Now, I'm going to go upstairs, drink, and go over some tax returns.

Trick or treat!

Whoa! What do we have here? A soldier, a monkey, and...

Warren G.

Harding.

I presided over the teapot dome scandal.

Well, I hope you don't veto my lollipop.

All right, well, why don't you guys put this on the porch, because we're going

to go out. So we're going to use the honor system.

Yeah, the honor system.

That always works.

Excuse me. Hi.

Me, yeah.

Yeah, kid, like I'm dating ten -year -olds these days.

I have an older brother.

How old? Never mind. Just feed it.

So, what do you think?

I'm a little worried it's kind of too bloody.

I was going to say shiny, but okay.

You guys look so adorable.

We should take some pictures. Yeah, we already did.

Okay, great. Well, I guess I'll just remember how I look in this.

Okay, I'm going to go use the litter box before we go.

Wow,

look at you.

Remind me later to turn my head and cough.

Oh, hey, come on in, come on in.

Look at that, huh?

Isn't that nice? We all went to the store, and obviously under a man's

Kyle picked a great costume.

Not cheap, by the way.

Hey, show what a T -Rex does.

A kid.

And how about this? On the way home, he let one rip.

And he yelled, fire in the hole!

I think we're back on track.

Wow, yeah, but honey, why'd you get him a girl T -Rex costume?

Cheryl, nobody likes a funny nurse.

Well, honey, you look great.

And if he's happy, I'm happy.

Good. Come on, girls.

Honey, I'm taking them to their school party, so we're meeting in front of the

Millers in an hour. Hour. Right? Okay. All right, Dana, let's go.

Coming.

Is it me, or am I looking extra hot tonight?

You're going to turn some heads, honey.

Come on, young man, let's go.

The talcum powder would fit in these pants.

Yeah.

I feel these are really tight, too. If I spot a dollar on the ground, bend over,

get it, all hell's going to break loose.

Come on, my little T -Rex, let's go trick -or -treating.

Halloween, baby.

We're going to rock and roll all night and part of every day.

Did you say part of every day?

Yeah, those are the lyrics.

Rock and roll all night and part of every day.

Sets aside part of every day.

Not the rock and roll.

Where's the dinosaur outfit?

I want to be Cinderella.

No, no, Kyle, no, you can't be Cinderella. Don't you remember I went to

store? And bought you a dinosaur outfit because that's what you wanted when we

could have gotten a perfectly fine zombie mask for half the price.

I like Cinderella.

What do you mean you like Cinderella?

Cinderella doesn't spit fire.

Cinderella doesn't eat Tokyo.

Actually, that's Godzilla.

And me?

Kyle, Daddy would prefer it if you went upstairs and put your dinosaur outfit

on.

Cinderella! Cinderella is a girl!

You either go upstairs and put your dinosaur outfit on and we can go trick

-treating or you stay in that dress and we stay home. Your choice.

Stay home.

Fine.

You want to play that game?

I can play.

black and shoved Jim's socks down my pants. If I don't end the night with a

pillowcase full of candy, someone's gonna freak out.

Force, huh?

Yeah.

First of all, you're a Jedi with a red lightsaber, which was only used by the

dark side.

Secondly, that's a mace windu tunic with Anakin's signature brown trousers.

You're a fraud.

These are not the candies you're looking for.

Move along.

Come on, you guys. I don't want to stay here all night.

His body was built by candy and they're giving it away out there.

All right, that's it.

You go upstairs right now and you put that dinosaur outfit on.

No.

You like candy?

This neighborhood is lousy with chocolate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Kyle.

The Eagans next door, they have a swimming pool full of chocolate. And

jacuzzi is full of marshmallows.

You're a liar.

You're a liar, Patty.

Fine. You know what? I don't need to stay here. He's not my kid.

I'm going to go trick -or -treating on my own.

Actually, without the kid, I'm just a creepy old guy with a sock in my pants.

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

But I'm going to have to call the Halloween police.

That's right, Kyle.

What you're doing is illegal.

And they're not going to arrest you.

No, they're going to come and take Daddy away.

Is that what you want?

I want to be eaten to death.

That's it, I need a break. You want a beer?

Nah, a drink that makes me sweat and the talcum powder in these pants is going

to cake up.

See if you can get Cinderella to take the dress off.

If I do, it'll be the first time I ever got anyone out of a dress.

Time!

So this is how you turn out.

I never take the dress off again. I have no confidence with women.

And everybody hates me.

I knew it!

Dad, I'm kidding.

I'm four.

Why are you getting so bent out of shape?

Because you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses.

Mom says it's okay.

Let me tell you something about your mom.

I mean, your mom is a wonderful woman, and I really love her. But she is a

woman.

And women sometimes send some crazy messages.

Like your sleeve is not a Kleenex.

Exactly!

I'm damn lucky you're here to set me straight. I know, that's what I've been

telling your mother.

Well, you know I'm a figment of your imagination, so it makes sense that we'd

agree.

Touché, self.

Look, Kyle.

I've got one job as a father, and that's to make you a man.

And I don't want to see you get pushed around.

I won't. But if you put on a dress, they're going to push you around a lot.

I don't know.

But are you strong enough to push back?

I mean, you know, it's pretty scary out there.

Well, I've been scared before.

When?

One night when I was two. I thought you might eat me.

I'll keep your fingers off my plate and you won't have to worry.

How do I know you're going to be strong enough?

Well, I'm out there on that couch right now standing up to you.

Aren't I?

Well, that's true.

So can we go trick -or -treating?

I don't know, Kyle. It's going to be so brutal out there.

Yeah, but you're my dad.

You got my back, right?

Yeah.

Right.

What, you've never seen Cinderella and his ugly stepsisters before?

Walk proud, men.

We are as God made us. Walk proud.

Damn eels.

All right, girls, go ahead. Hey, don't forget to say thank you.

Hey, Dad, there she is.

Meow is right.

Good call, son.

I haven't been fixed yet.

Oh, wow. Look at this yard.

They're winning this year. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Hey, sailor, watch who you're grabbing.

You know, that's the third time you've been groped tonight.

Jealous?

Oh, my God. You went from kiss to share.

Well, look, if my son is going to put on a dress, I've got to have his back.

Hey, I like that color. It's slimming.

I like your outfit, too. I guess skank was on back order. Oh, that's great.

So what do you do?

All right, bring it. Hey, come on, come on, come on.

Hey, do you mind taking this one?

Come on, Kyle.

Hey, nice rack.

Thank you.

So, what happened to the dinosaur?

Well, he changed his mind.

Come on, he's four years old. We just let it go, Cheryl.

So you're okay with it?

Well, I wouldn't have put a bra on if I wasn't okay with it.

I don't know if I ever told you, but you make a beautiful bride.

Oh, yeah?

You're a hell of a father.

You make a hot nurse.

Oh, honey, I don't think I can flirt with you.

You're in my great -aunt Bertha's wedding dress.

I'm not wearing underwear.

You're not wearing underwear, but you're wearing a bra?

Makes me feel pretty.

Hey, nice rack.

Hey.

Thank you.

No.

Thank you.

Should I help you? Yeah, we're like your daughters, Gracie and Ruby.

No!

Except we're all grown up now.

No!

Bye, Daddy. We gotta go dance on poles while men throw money at us.

No!

No, no, no!

What?

No more dance lessons for the girls.

Chili dogs give you stripper dreams.