Original subtitles

How old is he now? Almost five months. Oh, he's five months. Isn't he the

baby? Isn't he so adorable?

You know what?

I don't like those self -flushing toilets either.

Why not?

Because I like to make the decisions.

Hey, hey, honey. You know Sheila. We were talking about her last night.

Remember? Remember? Remember?

Of course!

Hey, Sheila. Hi, Jim.

Well, hello, Sheila.

Husband's still in the picture?

Uh, yep.

Really? Because when I walked in here and looked at you, you seemed kind of

flirty.

I'm just saying.

Well, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, will you look at you? You look great.

Doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

So, when's the baby due?

Oh, look at you. It looks like it's going to be a big one.

Oh, yes. Look at you.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

I'm trying to bond with the baby, Cheryl.

Baby, baby, baby, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

I think it's going to be twins.

Actually, Jim, I already had the baby.

Five months ago.

Are you

sure?

I thought I felt a kick.

Oh, you will later.

was Sheila, wait, baby. So when I saw her, I figured, Sheila's waiting for her

baby.

In Jim's defense, she could use a few more crunches.

Do you have mirrors in your house?

Yes, I do.

Because I'm a player and I got to know how fly I look.

every sports statistic in history. But you can't remember one simple thing I

told you last night. Because men are programmed to remember certain stuff and

not remember other stuff. Come on, Cheryl. It's just simple biology.

Where'd you read that? The New England Journal of Stupid Excuses?

Just admit you weren't listening to me. I was listening, Cheryl. I just didn't

take it in. Like I don't when you go yammering on about, you know, I don't

drapes and hairdressing or Dana.

All I hear is this kind of whooshing sound.

You know, like when you're at the beach and you put a shell up to your ear?

Okay, you know, if it's biology, how come Andy hears me when I talk about

stuff? Actually, I don't.

I just smile and nod, but all I hear is this hellish buzzing.

I really wish I had the beach thing. Yeah.

Well, when I was your age, I had the buzzing, but the beach thing is coming.

That is a load.

You made a conscious decision not to listen. Cheryl, the male brain is wired

for, like, sports stats and technical stuff, and the female brain is wired to

take in feelings and recipes and fashion.

You know, Cheryl, he's right. Like, today when I met with the CEO of the

Unity Bank of Chicago, all I could think was, my belt matches, my shoes are

ready.

Joe, think about it, will you?

Okay, for example, how many times have I told you how to reset the garage door

when the circuit breaker trips? Well... Or how to program your own cell phone?

Or let us not forget about the very super complicated fire extinguisher.

I saved your life that day.

You set that fire that day.

Hey, you said get rid of the old tires. You did not say how.

Cheryl, it's not your fault that you can't hear me. It's just like I can't

you when you yam around about some fat -brawner postpartum depression.

Okay, now I understand about the hellish buzzing sound.

Not because you were going to buy something really expensive at Sheila's

dinner.

Sorry. All I heard was whoosh.

But it's okay. I can get in through the front because Jim keeps the spare key in

a secret spot.

Under the mat?

Yes.

Whoa. What was that?

Oh, nothing. The circuit just flew. Oh, no.

No, no, no. It's fine. I just have to flip a foot.

See?

Okay, still not moving. I think it's supposed to be moving.

That's the problem. It's not moving. Thank you, Dana.

Like Jim showed me.

Yeah, you just gotta, um... The buttons are... You were there when Jim explained

it, weren't you? Yeah, but all I heard was keypad buttons, and then that all

faded away, and I heard Donna Summer singing MacArthur Park.

Oh, oh, I know.

And we're...

No, no, no. Mommy's going to figure it out.

Mommy! Yeah?

I have to go pee -pee.

Mommy's going to figure it out fast.

We only have 20 minutes.

No, no, no, no.

Because Jim can't be right about men's and women's brains.

Because if Jim is right about this, he'll think he's right about everything.

I cannot sit there and listen to how we're 10 years away from the Great Ape

Rebellion.

Now, come on. I need you to help me. All right.

We can do this. Yes.

I think the secret is in these buttons.

You know, the green one's pretty, and green means gold.

Oh, green and blue together, because green and

blue makes teal.

I sing flowing

bang on the door and scream for help.

Help! Let us out!

We're sexy and grateful!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna starve to death!

No, we won't. We're getting Kyle.

No, I'm gonna eat you!

Nobody's gonna eat anybody.

There's enough cornflakes on the floor of the minivan to keep us fed for a

month.

decision. Your leadership is getting us nowhere. I'm going to bust a hole in

this door. I'm not going to destroy my garage door.

All right, fine. Then we can just sit here and wait for someone to discover

Like Jim.

All right, kids, stand back. Mommy's got some kind of hammer.

Well, take your car.

Well, what about when Jim comes home from work? He's going to see the hole.

Dana, Jim is going right to the auction from work. So we'll come home early,

park your car in front of the hole. I'll get it fixed tomorrow. Jim will never

know.

Wow. Living with Jim has really taught you a lot. All bad, but a lot.

That stupid garage door. You know, this has nothing to do with men's and women's

brains. Nobody could figure that out. No way.

No.

No, a four -year -old boy.

I can't know how to do that. Why didn't you tell us?

Typical man, can't communicate.

Jim can never find out we were let out by a boy.

He's now peeing in the driveway.

Well, he really had to go.

Yeah, still going.

I can't believe I got to wear a tie to this stupid fundraiser.

Why didn't Cheryl tell me? She did. I was right there.

You actually heard her?

Yeah.

She was holding a cookie. Somehow it made me focus.

Right, right. And I had already had my cookie.

Whoa, whoa, Jim.

Check it out.

What the hell is this?

It's like someone broke into your garage.

Who would want to break into the garage?

Apparently someone very small.

Did you get in a fight with a little person?

Yeah, but that was years ago.

And in my defense, let's say Patrick's day.

Like, if you're going to be that sensitive, stay at home.

Hey, what?

Don't, don't, don't, don't touch the panel. You want to contaminate the crime

scene? Oh, it's not like I'm not. What we need to do, take pictures before

anything is disturbed.

Hey. Get one of me with the evidence.

Is it me, or... It smells like somebody peed out here.

Oh, that's me.

Yeah, and it's fresh.

Criminal always has a signature, Jim, and he's trying to tell us something.

What? What?

What? What?

Liz Tinkle.

You're... You're right.

You're in trouble.

You're in deep.

You're in safe.

Well, everything looks all right. They didn't get the band equipment.

Hold it.

Maybe we've been asking ourselves the wrong question all this time.

Maybe we've been off the scent from the very beginning.

Andy, the very beginning was two minutes ago.

I see you're going to be no help in this investigation.

Come on, that's what they want you to think. Well, come on, what do you want

to... Oh, hello.

Well, look at what we have here.

Sometimes the most obvious clues are the ones that aren't even there.

What are you trying to say? Damn it, Jim, open your eyes. Why is it open?

Someone didn't break into your garage, man. Someone broke out of it.

Observe.

See all the particles? They're on the outside.

But yet, the garage floor is completely clean.

And look at this.

Your sledgehammer isn't stored in its place with its fellow tools.

It's an inside job, man!

So let's stop playing these silly games!

Well, if somebody wanted to get out of the garage, why don't they just open the

garage door?

Come on, son.

Put the pieces together.

Take the training wheels off.

Lose the diaper. Put on the big boy pants.

Think.

Well, unless the garage door was broken. It didn't work. Let's do it. And then

they would just say it. They would just reset the system unless they couldn't.

Because they was a woman.

And they never listened to your instructions no matter how many times

it.

Hickory dickory right.

Well, well, well.

Well, watching those cop shows paid off, huh?

Oh, yeah.

And if I meet a lucky lady, maybe watching the Spice Channel will pay off,

I got a lot of techniques.

I'm tired of using them on myself.

Going one.

Going twine.

200. 200.

One.

Twine.

Goal for 200.

Thank you.

What are you going to do with a sea kayak?

Cheryl, don't you get it? Now, instead of just being boring old Dana, I'm going

to be the intriguing girl with the kayak.

Oh. Excuse me.

Do you kayak?

I do.

Go on.

So, so, everything cool at home?

Cool as a cucumber.

Yeah, and the kids, they got to their sleepover okay?

No problem. It's all good.

Oh, honey.

Look at you. You remembered your time.

Well, I felt so bad about that unfortunate incident with our good

Charlotte. Sheila. Sheila.

That I have decided that, you know what, I'm going to focus on listening to you

because that's what you do for me. I mean, honey, I was way off base with all

that poppycock about women and men not hearing each other.

There you go again, Jim, with one of your crackpot theories.

Lock this man up.

I'm telling you, when the eights take over the planet in ten years, they're

going to keep me around just for the laughs.

You know, it's not a problem. In honor of tonight's charity event, I'm going to

take the high road and not rub it in.

Well, I can rub it in. I'm a low road kind of person.

Next, we have a last -minute item from our very good friend, Jim and Andy at

Ground Up Divine.

Tell me.

I know you donated. Tell me that. It's so sweet. Well, I felt so bad about what

happened with Sheila. I mean, so she's fat, right?

Why should the community center suffer?

I don't know. That's very sensitive of you.

Hey, Sheila, do you mind if Andy and I take this one? We could do this one,

right, Andy? Yeah.

Hey, Sheila, thank you. Hey, how about it for Sheila here, huh?

She just had a baby last week.

That's five months ago.

That worked with me, didn't it?

All right, all right, all right. We're going to raise some money right now,

aren't we? Are we going to raise some money?

All right, let's get ready to build on one of the best items this evening. It

a fantastic automatic garage door.

Yes, yes. And along with this goes a lifetime guarantee.

So, if for some reason the door should fail on you, You can either call me like

a normal person, or you can break out

with this nifty little emergency exit device.

Because this is what my wife uses.

Right, Cheryl?

Honey? Can we put a light on my lovely wife, please?

Cheryl? Can you hear me?

Because I can repeat it if you want me to.

Carol! Dana, you've got to get me out of here. Dana?

Dana? Like most girls right out of college, I kayaked through Europe.

What are

you

doing? I'm tripping the whatchamacallit so I can reset the thingamajig.

Kyle! can do it, so can I. I refuse to be shown up by someone who's afraid of

the vacuum.

So this cool here?

My condo doesn't allow us to have pets or giant things we'll never use.

Yeah,

whatever.

What's she doing?

We're having a lesbian pillow fight. What else is over there?

Cheryl, please, will you just let it go?

Jim, go to bed. I'm going to figure this out.

Honey, I love you to death. I really do. But you know what? You're never going

to figure it out.

Well, maybe you shine a spotlight on me.

Jim, it's in my brain. I just need to access it. Cheryl, Cheryl, listen to me.

You're not going to be able to access it.

Actually, if I give you the instructions right now, you still won't be able to

open it.

I'll give you the instructions right now.

All right.

Press the reset button down for three seconds.

Press pound, six, star, pound.

Then press the garage door button.

And then it'll open.

All right, let me ask you this. When I was giving you the instructions, what

were you hearing?

Be honest.

Something about a pound cake.

Aha! Damn it!

Damn it!

Well, that works, too.

It's so depressing.

What?

Cheryl, come on. What's the big deal?

Men hear things differently than women hear things.

Why do you have to make it into a negative?

Half the time I'm talking to you, you're hearing the ocean.

How is that a positive?

There is so much crap that goes on during the day, it's impossible for one

person to take that all in.

That's why you and I are good for each other.

So, that's your big advertisement for marriage?

Get married so someone will catch all the crap you miss?

Yeah, that and, uh...

The sex part, too.

All right.

I guess it's not so bad that we're different.

No. I'll tell you this, though. I'm happy I'm the woman.

I really am because, you know, as a woman, I rely on my inner resources, my

inner beauty, my inner strength.