Original subtitles

Oh, my God, the heat.

When is Jim going to be done fixing the air conditioner?

Oh, soon, I hope.

Mommy, is this what hell is like?

No, honey, there's no popsicles there.

Oh, man.

All right.

No worries.

The A .C. is fixed. We're in business.

And while we're at it, why don't we get a brand new house?

Can we live by the lake?

Yes. And we'll have a butler, and you'll ride dolphins to school.

Yay!

All right, you know what? I'm starting to get worried.

These girls should be getting sarcasm by now.

Okay, you guys, plan B. Let's all head over to my house. I got a brand new A

unit. Four zones. You can hang meat in there.

Plan C.

I took... Parts out of yours to fix mine.

And they kind of melted.

That's funny. You know, they're not interchangeable.

Well, no harm, no foul.

No, no, no, Jim.

Giant stinky foul.

I need my central air. I'm a husky guy. I cheat.

You guys are a bunch of wimps. In my day, air conditioning was jumping on the

family car, holding on to the luggage rack, and ducking for bridges.

Oh, that's right. I forgot about your summer vacations with the Flintstones.

come on.

All right, I can't take it anymore. I'm going back to my neighborhood where at

least the guys dressed like that are in love.

You do look kind of gay.

Me?

This is ridiculous.

I haven't slept in three days. Come on. You've got to take us to a hotel or

something.

Jim,

what are you doing?

I'm doing the backstroke.

You want to see my butterfly?

No. Get out of there. That's not our pool.

Come on, Negans are gone for at least a week.

It's the least they can do. We're picking up their mail.

We? I'm bringing in their mail.

The only thing you ever did for them was hose off their house after you threw an

egg at it.

I did not throw an egg at their house. I threw it at the wind chimes.

Those gentle tones are really pissing me off.

Lois and Dutch asked me to bring in their mail because I have a reputation

very reliable person.

Yes, and I am the neighborhood scam.

Care to join me?

The vegans never said we could use their pool.

They never said we could.

Look, if they knew how hot it was, they would have insisted that we swim.

You know what a great guy Butch is?

Dutch. Butch Dutch.

I don't know his Irish name. It's all sound alike to me.

Care to join me?

Now jump in.

Yeah.

Refreshing, huh?

Your body will thank you.

And I'll thank you.

You know what I'm saying?

I always know what you're saying.

We're not hurting anybody.

I don't want anything to do with this. This is wrong.

That's what makes it so right.

That feels so cool.

You know what else feels cool?

Doing the right thing.

Which is why I'm going back home and going to bed. It's exactly what you

do.

Cheryl! Telegram!

Told you I'm the neighborhood scam.

Hit me high, baby.

This is fun.

I feel just like a trainer at SeaWorld.

Hmm, tail.

What is going on here?

What do you mean? It's a pool party.

Hey, get ready to jump onto my shoulders. We're going to have chicken

ten minutes. No!

No! All these people have got to get out.

Cheryl, why wouldn't you have a pool if you weren't going to invite your

friends? Because it's not your pool.

Hey, Cheryl, do the Ethans get Vanity Fair? I already read their install.

And credit card statement. Boy, can they suck down the hooch.

This is totally out of control.

What? Where are you getting that from?

Hey, who ordered a cake?

Oh, right here. Uh, yeah, that's the cake.

I'll put it over by the ping pong table. Thanks.

Hey, you'll have a draft. You'll love it.

Jim, that's not even the point.

I mean, what are you teaching the girls? How are they going to learn respect for

other people's property?

Elf, will you get out?

Cheryl, the girls aren't going to remember this.

They're kids.

a drawer for the day, will ya?

Look at me.

I'm a movie star. And I'm her sister, Ruby.

Look, that's Lois Egan's mink stole.

Now, I didn't tell them they could do that.

You didn't tell us we couldn't.

And they're not influenced by any of this, huh?

I get it.

Girl, go on. Go back in the house. Put it back.

Put it back. Come on, hurry up.

How about one chicken fight while they're in the house?

Damn.

95 degrees at 7 .30 in the morning.

Who wants a hug?

You. Back off.

You know, as soon as the kids go to school, we can sneak off to the Egan's.

Nobody is going in that pool. Forget it. Cheryl, that's the whole reason I came

over here. Well, I'm sorry.

Refreshing.

And the cold cuts the funk.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, that's my shirt.

Please, it never looked this good on you.

You don't have a tenth. of the bod I have.

I have exactly a tenth of the bod you have.

All right. All right.

On that note, I'm going over to water the Egan's plant.

I hope you guys cleaned up after your party.

They'll never know we were there.

Oh, yeah. The pool house toilet just backed itself up.

All right. I found the part for the air conditioner.

Hey! They put it on a boat from Thailand. It'll be here in less than a

Wouldn't it be great if the answer was as close as next door?

Do you mean a rectangular answer filled with shimmering liquid relief?

No, no, no, no. Don't even think about it. I don't care how hot it gets. Nobody

is going in that pool.

Well, I'm sorry, but somebody has to be the grown -up around here.

Hey, Cheryl, is it any cooler up there? Where? On your high horse?

Did Daddy talk to you about yesterday?

Of course I did. I'm a grown -up, too.

Go ahead and tell Mommy what I taught you. Go on. We always have to have

permission to do other people's stuff. That's right. Even if it's really,

hot, and they would never, ever find out.

Pretty grown -up, huh?

Proud of you girls. Okay, here, go turn on Daddy's truck and get the air

conditioner going.

Well, looks like it's time for the handyman to get a short sickle.

cleaned everything up. They'll never know we were here.

Unconditioned movie theater because someone wouldn't let us use the P -O -O

Daddy, we know this girl's cool.

And you are the smartest girl in the whole world.

Ooh, that's sarcasm, right?

Very good.

I like these girls. You sure you don't want to join us? No, no, honey, I'd love

to, but I've got so much work to do.

swim stuff in the garage.

You know Jim, no willpower.

Garage is that way.

I know.

Do you need a sun hat to put swim stuff away?

And a swim suit.

And a wax.

Is that sunscreen?

going over to swim at the Egan's pool.

Screw it. It's too hot to lie.

Yes, I'm going swimming because I'm the oldest and I can do whatever I want.

Happy? No, Cheryl.

No.

I'm not happy.

Not happy about the example you're setting for our nieces and nephew.

They deserve better.

All right, well, you can stand there in sweaty judgment of me or...

We can all go swimming.

Great! We're wearing our swimsuits already.

And we waxed.

But, not a word to Jim.

Hey, you don't bring up the wax, we won't bring up the swim.

Andy, you're late again. That's three days in a row.

Where you been?

Oh, here and there.

What you been doing?

Oh, this and that.

What's that funny smell?

Jim, it's 100 degrees outside. My funny smells are just beginning.

What's with your eyes?

Nothing. Baby blue, just like always. No, no, no.

No, no, no. They're all bloodshot. You've been late for three days. What's

on here?

All right, Jim.

You're going to find out sooner or later.

I've been drinking my breakfast.

No. That doesn't smell like alcohol.

Smells like chlorine.

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty bad, Jim.

I've been drinking chlorine.

A friend of mine, he turned me on to it.

You know, you can't stop once you... Andy!

Fine. I've been swimming down at the Egan's pool.

No, no, but it's not my fault, Jim.

Somebody made me do it.

She threatened me not to tell.

It's one of my sisters and you're sleeping with her.

Cheryl?

Why was that a question?

I just kind of want to hang out at home and be with you.

Just you and me together.

All day.

All day?

Well, won't that be fun?

Wait!

That's not man's work.

You know what would make this day extra special?

If you went and picked up lunch at Stevie B's.

Stevie B's ribs?

Oh, you know how I like all meat meals.

All right, but you know what? Stevie B's is all the way across town. It's going

to take me at least an hour to go there and come back. I'm good with that.

Oh, well.

I mean, honey, every second away from you is an eternity.

But a special lunch like that would certainly deserve a special dessert.

if you know what I'm saying.

I always know what you're saying.

Sex, right?

Okay. Yes! That's it for me!

Cheryl?

Oh,

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. No, no.

I just forgot. I forgot to ask you, do you want spicy or mild barbecue sauce on

your ribs?

Oh, I don't care. You know, whatever takes longer.

I got you.

Well, what are you looking for?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, huh? Are you sure?

Mm -hmm.

You think it could be this?

No.

Funny to me.

But of course, I'm not the grown -up here.

He's true?

Everything except for my evil laugh.

Tim! You're burning daylight!

The Eagles are going to be home tonight. Come on.

I just need one more swim. One more swim? Just one more swim?

And then what?

Another pool?

And then another?

When's it going to end, Cheryl?

You're right.

You are out of control.

And you want to know why?

Because I'm awful?

Yes.

You are awful at being bad.

You're too perfect.

Look, you've got to be a little bad once in a while.

Look what it did for me. I mean, look at me. Look how much younger I look than

my age.

Um, we can't just tell the kids it's okay to be a little bad once in a while.

course not.

Right. We don't tell them anything.

That's a great... thing about being parents.

You can do whatever you want as long as you've got a good cover story.

That's not in any of the books I've read. Of course not. You read those

books.

Did you take the day off just to bust me?

I took the day off so I could go swimming with my bad, bad wife.

I am going to go get my trucks.

Oh, no you don't.

Bad boys don't wear trucks.

If you know what I'm saying.

Of course I do.

Make it right.

Yes, Jim.

I'm a love shark, and I see a sexy stripper.