Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

I came to see Cheryl.

Well, are you going to come in?

Nah, I'm just not in the mood for you this morning.

I'd rather wait till you're gone.

Oh.

Okay.

Run a little late. It's going to be like an hour or something.

I'm cool.

Okay.

Have a good one. You too.

I am just exhausted. My stupid neighbor's dog started barking at 7 .30

morning. Can you imagine?

7 .30.

Yeah, let's see. By 7 .30, I have everybody up and dressed. I've made

lunches and cleaned somebody's vomit off of something.

And I had to lie there for a whole hour before I could go back to sleep.

And that's how a male seahorse fertilizes its eggs.

Did you see that the Millers across the street are selling their house?

What? The Millers? Wait, refresh my memory. Did they hate you?

No, but to be fair, they never really knew me.

Oh, I love that house.

I would kill to have that kitchen. Can you imagine having granite countertops

and vaulted ceilings with skylight? Oh, come on. That house isn't that great.

I mean, probably no one ever uses that screening room they have.

I'd never leave the house if I had that.

Or a woman.

Do you know their master bedroom has a fireplace and their bathtub is a spa?

Oh, it is perfect.

Oh, come on, perfect. Do they have a wine cellar like we do?

A case of beer under a ping pong table is not a wine cellar. We're talking

the cool room in the corner of the basement.

Yoo -hoo -hoo!

Anybody to home?

Is that...

Wait for me. Save yourself.

What are they doing here? I thought we got rid of them. We're good.

I know it. Then I ran into Cindy at the market this morning, and she kind of

said it'd be great to get together.

And you said?

I said no.

And in my head.

Although out loud, I may have said that'd be great. You were nice to her?

Well, excuse me for being polite. That's how I was brought up. Give me a break.

We had the same parents, and I...

save yourself, there's usually a little back and forth.

Contact lens. Thank you, everyone, for helping me. Oh, great.

They're so expensive, you know. So, Tim, Cindy, everything.

Well, Tim, tell them how the hot tub business is doing.

It's bubbling over.

Oh, boy. I think I just peed a little.

So, Jim, how's the construction business? Oh.

A high crew cut off his own arm in order to escape.

I get it now.

Okay, enough witty banter. Let's get down to beeswax.

We have some big, important news.

Okay, honey, let me tell them. No, I want to tell them. No, me.

No, me.

Why don't you two just tell each other in the car on the way home?

Pass the sunscreen, honey. We're getting burned.

Okay, all right. On our way over here to see our best friend, we...

read to chat or watch our stories, borrow a cup of sugar?

Uh -oh.

Did I just hear someone say they needed some sugar? Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Three bags full.

Wow.

And all because Cheryl ran into them at the market.

Isn't life funny? I think I just peed a little.

In 90 seconds exactly, we're going to begin Operation Scare the Hell Out of

Devlin so they don't live across the street.

Everyone, circumcise your watches.

Synchronize. Will you please not get in the way of my technical planning?

Andy, you got a brick to throw through the window? I couldn't find a brick, but

I got something even better. Good.

Oh, for the record, I still think my plan was bad.

I am not getting up at 3 in the morning to make crop circle.

All right, let's go.

And take it up a little higher?

Would the brakes be working in that car?

Hey, we're back.

Oh, hey, Cheryl.

I've been studying feng shui, and you and Jim wouldn't fight as much if you

rid of that big, awful TV.

You want to bet?

Yeah, you know what? We're not really feng shui people.

Oh, I'm a narrow -minded westerner. I don't believe in something that's been

around for thousands of years. Yeah, whoops, my mind was open a crack. Better

shut it.

Speaking of crack, um... You know, this neighborhood's got a little bit of a

crime problem.

What?

Oh, my God! It's gang activity!

Gang?

Look! An omelet pan!

Well, that's not just any omelet pan. This is the calling card for the Maple

Street Gang.

That is so scary.

And it might be someone's wedding present.

Well, I guess it's better that you know about this neighborhood's ugly secret

before you put an offer on that house across the street. Oh, those ruffians

don't scare us. No, the Timinator understands the gang mentality.

He played Riff in West Side Story.

So you still want to put an offer in on that house?

Oh, absolutely.

As long as you two are here, it's still a desirable neighborhood.

What do you think of crop circles?

They scare you out of it. Look what they did to me.

This is the work of the Maple Street Gang.

And they spray painted their name on the Devlin's van.

We don't have a van.

We do.

And I'm sure they're very sorry about it.

Feel free to look around, but just know that I counted every beer in that

refrigerator.

Well, my dear, we're having an open house. That's what you do when you put

house on the market.

What? Just relax.

We're not really selling the house. But if we get the devils to think that we're

moving, then maybe they won't buy the house across the street.

What if somebody makes an offer?

It is so overpriced. Who's going to pay that?

Whoa. Yeah.

Who's the sexy genius?

Russell Crowe, but that is a good plan. It is, isn't it?

Say it ain't so, Jim.

You're moving?

Aw. I'm afraid so. You know, I got a sudden job opportunity that I just

pass on. Where?

Alaska.

Right, Cheryl?

Right, yes, yes. We bought a cannery and we're turning it into a B &B.

Without you, this neighborhood's just a gang -infested hellhole.

I know.

Well, you know what? We'll be sure to send you a postcard from...

A town in Alaska.

Yeah. We better go withdraw our offer before it's too late. I need my man

sweater first. Hope it still fits.

It always fits. One size fits Cindy.

Are we willing to carry back a second mortgage?

Yeah, you know, I gotta go. She has a little bit of trouble with compound

interest. Excuse me.

Look, I'm sorry about this, but, you know, if you're ever up in Alaskan

territory passing through, be sure to give us a jingle, all right? I can't

believe we're not going to have you in our lives.

I know. But we can have a part of them.

Oh, my God.

I know what you're thinking.

We should buy this place!

Yes!

Yes! Every inch of this house will remind us of you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do that. Why not? It's for sale.

I know, but nobody in their right mind would pay this price.

We would.

Well, then certainly no one in their right mind would pay $10 ,000 more than

that.

Or $20 ,000.

$25 ,000.

Then lock us up because we're nuts.

waxing lady.

Cindy, I didn't expect to see you here on a ladder outside my bedroom.

Your bedroom?

Well, I guess it is for a few more days.

What are you talking about?

Didn't Jim tell you? He sold us your house.

What? Oh, I ruined the surprise, didn't I?

to surprise you.

Surprise me with jewelry?

Not by selling my house?

Oh, but Sarah, you know how much money we made. I really soaked them. Now we

buy any house we want. You want another house?

Well, yes, you do.

I heard you. No, you said so. You want another house.

When? Well, you're always going to open houses and talking about the big new

kitchens and the walk -in closets and the skylights. You even wanted to move

into the millers across the street.

I don't want another house. I want this house, my house. And I want a husband

who asks me before he sells my house.

Hey, you get me my house back.

My house, my house, sure.

Let's see you pay the mortgage with the tips the kids give you for making that

lot.

Excessive moisture penetration so we don't pass the inspection.

Jim, why don't you tell the Devlins you don't want to sell the house? The deal's

already closed, and by state law, the only way out of this thing is by doing

something sneaky and underhanded. Come on, more, more.

I don't know, Jim. I'd like to try on the truce sometime, see how it fits.

Yeah? Well, if it's anything like those pants do, it's going to be tight in the

seat.

All right, because you're Audrey Hepburn.

Excuse me, can I see that for a second? Just for a second.

Audrey Hepburn! We'll be right back.

Someone needs to be cited for a smile that collapsed.

Can you just wrap this up? Yeah, thanks.

Come on, Cheryl.

Let's take a last look at all the memories you're leaving behind.

Yeah, can we not hold hands all the time?

load this money pit.

But you know what? It wouldn't feel right to sell this place to a friend.

Yeah. I just hope there's no hard feelings.

Oh, come on, guys.

This is just a setback. It's not a deal breaker.

Look at this place.

Spiffy and a jiffy.

I kind of like having a project I can tackle with my pants off.

Sell our home.

We love our home. We never wanted to sell it.

The only reason we were doing this was because we didn't want you anywhere near

us.

I'm just glad we're not losing you to Alaska.

Come on, hugs?

Not until you put your pants back on.

And then no.

Come on, Timberwolf. We have a house to buy across the street.

Yeah!

Well,

I better go get some paper towels.

I'm guessing this wasn't the original plan.

Yeah, it was, except for the water.

Come on, come sit with me on my dock.

Oh, my God.

Well,

look, it's not your dream house, but at least you got a couple thousand dollars

worth of water damage.

You know, Cheryl, I just wanted to do the right thing by you. That's all.

Honey, when have you not done the right thing by me?

You know, eventually.

I just think you deserve better.

You do.

And, you know, I'd get you a castle if I could. You know that. Hey, this is my

castle.

Now I even have a moat.

Yeah, but you don't have a walk -in closet or a bigger kitchen or skylights.

And the kids?

And no backyard.

Freaky floorboards.

Lots of great memories.

Jim, I walk to this house and I feel our family and our life.

I love that.

That's what makes this a home to me.

Yeah.

Me too.

perfect time to play swamp thing come on you be heather locklear i'll be swamp

thing i'm heather locklear

Some of the kids' toys and Jim's tools.

Right here on the insurance farm, I got one rare stamp collection, one Picasso,

two Rolls Royces.

Greetings, all.

Got some house party invites for across the street.

Oh, great.

Now I have to buy these psychos a present.

The Devlins didn't buy the house.

What? Some eligible bachelor did.

Yeah, has family in the neighborhood.

Oh, my God. Is he cute?

Gorgeous.

But he's out of your league.

Oh, and he's your brother.

What?

It's me.

What? You brought the house across the street?

I outbid the Devlins. Hello, neighbor.

The best news, man. I cannot believe you people.

You knew?

If I was anything less than a gentleman, I'd whip you within an inch of your

life.

Come on, cat on a hot tin roof. Let's go.

With pleasure.

We never want to see any of you again. Ever!