Original subtitles

Yes, he does.

No, he doesn't.

Mommy, who do you love more, me or Ruby?

You're both my little angels, and I love you both the same.

Hey, girls.

Daddy, who do you love more, me or Gracie?

Hmm.

Which one of you is going to get me a big bowl of chips?

I will, I will.

And a beer.

Me, me.

Love you both the same.

Oh, baby.

And there he is, riding in his sleigh full of toys, pulled by eight tiny...

Look, it's Santa Claus!

Yeah. It means it's officially the end of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. And you

know what that means?

coming. Wrong.

It means five minutes to football.

You guys,

I'm looking for a good tablecloth. Has anybody seen it? Well, let me answer

question with a question. We have a good tablecloth?

Look, Mommy.

We make like a family collage of all our Thanksgivings ever. Oh, that is so

sweet. Oh, there's Uncle Andy and there's Daddy and Aunt Dana.

Okay, where am I?

There aren't any pictures of you.

Just this one where you're crying.

Your Uncle Andy sat on the turkey.

I slipped on the stuffing when Dana pushed me. Well, after Jim threw yams at

And that's why on Thanksgiving we only have soft drinks before dinner.

Yeah, you're a bummer. You're a bummer girl.

I've got to find that tablecloth. They usually keep it in that cabinet.

Gray piping and lace.

Oh, that one?

I used that for the Halloween ghost up on the roof.

What?

That's our good tablecloth?

Well, excuse me if we're trying to up our status in the neighborhood.

I'd rather you just put on pants when you went to get the paper.

Hey, you don't want to see the show?

Don't go to the theater.

Look, can you go up there and get it for me? Yeah, I'd be glad to.

At halftime. Remind me, okay? No, no, Jim, now. I need to wash it. Hey, Jim,

look. The turducken. Oh, my God, look at that.

A chicken stuffed inside a duck inside of a turkey.

I mean, if God could have been that creative.

Hey, Cheryl, you've got to make one of those for us. Yeah, we'll get right on

that.

Hey, Cheryl, do you need any help in the kitchen?

Yes, actually.

Oh, here comes the kickoff. All right, well, let me know if you change your

mind.

Claire!

I have to do everything around here.

Why don't you make a turducken, Cheryl? Shove a duck inside a turkey.

I know where I'd like to shove a duck.

578.

579.

Wow. A lot of shingles up here.

Where was I?

One.

I'll have you know the price included a large bottle of vitamins for the girls.

You know, I hate to even think something like this, but you think this is the

year the turkeys fight back?

Daddy, it's Santa!

Honey, it's Thanksgiving. Think it through.

They know your name. Oh, calm down. Come on.

Hey.

You want some more tea? Warm you up?

No. No, thank you, honey.

I've got my rage to keep you warm.

And that cute little button nose of yours.

Who was all this attention when I was stuck on the roof for 45 minutes?

The satellite dish hadn't gone out yet.

Oh, come on. I'm joking. I'm trying to heal through laughter here.

Was the message of Patsy Adams completely lost on you?

Come on, lighten up. You know, when a person is stuck on a freezing cold roof,

she gets to thinking.

You know why I'm not in any of those pictures?

Because I'm always stuck in here in the kitchen. And dinner's practically over

by the time I make it out there for the last piece of cold turkey and one glass

of wine.

One?

I'm serious.

This happens every holiday. You do nothing and I work my butt off. We each

what we do best.

That's a tradition.

Yeah, well, maybe it's time for a change.

What are you talking about? You can't change tradition.

I mean, what's Fourth of July without setting off cherry bombs?

What's Halloween without setting off cherry bombs?

All I know is this holiday is supposed to be about giving thanks, and nobody

bothers to thank me.

Where is this all coming from?

Are they filling your head full of stuff in the beauty parlor? Oh.

Hold your applause. I just saved Thanksgiving.

The dish is fixed and the game's back on. Ah, good man.

And now we're getting the Spanish feed.

The Leones are up by siete and Los Packers are at medio campo.

Yeah, um, we're going to need fresh cranberries.

These aren't going to get it done.

Oh, hey, since you're going to the store, can you hit the ATM? I could use

cash. And a loan.

We're fixing the satellite, Andy.

All right, all right. Hold on a second.

You know what? Cheryl has a point here.

I'll tell you what.

You take the rest of the day off.

We'll do everything else.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, no. New tradition.

We'll cook everything while you sit on your fat ass.

That was so wrong of what I just said.

Listen, you know what it really is? You won't have to lift a finger.

Huh? Wow.

Come on.

A holiday where I don't have to work? I don't know what I'd do.

Well, the first thing you do is get out of here, okay?

Second thing is, you pour into that bathtub whatever it is that makes you so

damn soft.

No, no, no, go on. Hey, have fun.

Okay, nobody's going to do any cooking here. The only thing we're making is the

empty gesture.

An empty gesture? An empty gesture. You guys.

Okay, you know, the turkey has to cook 20 minutes for every pound, and if you

don't cook it right, we're all going to get sick and die. I know, I know, I

know. And Kyle only eats waffles. I got it, I got it. Go on, go on, go on, go

on, go on. Get in that bathtub, girl.

Okay, girl.

You see that?

She is such a control freak about the holiday dinners. She'll be down here

before you know it to take over everything.

But since we heard her feelings, we made the offer. We made the

gesture. We get the credit, but we ain't got to do the work.

Wait, you guys, I don't feel right about this. Fine. You pull the guts out of

the turkey.

I'm over it.

I'm making a mess.

So Cheryl thinks we're doing a terrible job, so she'll come down and take over.

I cover this in my empty gesture seminar.

I'd like to take that.

Really? Not at all.

See? I'm a quick learner.

Very good, very good.

All right.

Cheryl's lying in bed reading a chick magazine.

Oh, great.

It's another relationship quiz I'm going to fail.

Okay, okay, okay. So.

What's next? Okay, what we do now is we wait for her to come down, see what a

terrible decision it was for her to let us do this, and she'll take over.

Okay, so how do we get her down here?

Observe.

The trap is set.

Let's wait for the mouse.

Hey, if this works, we can make it to the parking time for the touch football

game. Andy, when it works, when?

Hey, girls, you want to go to the park with Daddy and watch him play some

football? Yes.

Wow, that kind of attitude with Christmas just being a month away?

Are you sure you want to play it like that?

I heard something.

Wait, wait.

She's in the kitchen.

Snap! The trap has sprung.

Now all I need to do is to pry that bar off her lifeless body.

I'll just go check, see how she's doing.

Honey, honey.

Sweet.

How you doing?

Great.

You need any help?

No, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm good.

I knew you would be.

I love you, honey. Oh, I love you too, sweetie.

So? So, let's go play some football.

You sure Cheryl's cool with it? She took the turkey out of the refrigerator, and

she said twice that she didn't need my help, and also she called me honey.

I bow to the master.

That's okay, honey. You can hold daddy's coffee.

Come on.

Honey. Oh, honey.

Way to go, girls.

Way to hold it.

Now go inside and go to the bathroom. Come on.

Because you're old enough to read the bad words now.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Just a minute to enjoy the smell of Cheryl's turkey.

I don't smell turkey. I only smell you two.

Go see if Cheryl's okay.

You said she was going to put the turkey in the oven. I know. But she didn't. I

know. So you were wrong. I know.

She's sound asleep.

What? What are we going to do? There's no dinner.

We listened to you and now we're going to get it.

Just relax.

Relax, will you?

We got a whole hour before dinner.

Have you lost your mind? You can't cook a 20 -pound bird in an hour.

Look, nobody needs to get wet. All we have to do is call up a restaurant

and get takeout.

It's Thanksgiving.

Restaurants take their orders weeks in advance. You're not going to find turkey

or trimmings anywhere. Well, I don't hear...

exactly what we need.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, thank you. Look at this beautiful family.

Thank you. Oh, if your wife wants to take the children over there, we have a

table where they can color. Oh, we're not married. We don't judge.

No, but I do, and I don't want anyone thinking I'm married to him.

Please, take a plate. Help yourself.

Don't mind if I do. Thank you.

Canned cranberries? Doesn't anyone make fresh anymore?

Stop it!

Listen, sister, actually,

we're here to make a donation.

According to the letters that I keep getting from you guys, four bucks buys a

meal for the needy, right?

Yes, that's correct.

Well, we would like to give you enough for 20 meals. Oh, bless you.

And we'll take seven to go.

This isn't a restaurant.

No kidding.

The location's terrible.

There's a crack house right down the street.

Okay, listen.

I didn't want to have to come to this.

But I'm pretty tight with the health department.

I got a fake mouse in my pocket.

What?

In one call, I can have this place shut down.

Oh, you are blocking the line.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Boo, boo, what the hell?

That's a tough little penguin, huh?

If you want some food, I'll sell you mine.

I can just get another plate.

Really? Yeah, and I'll talk to some of my buddies.

If you've got enough money, you can get all you want.

Deal, deal. That sounds great.

What's your name?

Barbra Streisand.

See?

You should be more like Barbra Streisand.

He finds solutions, not problems.

on the food, Andy.

Don't blame me. You're the one that slammed on the brakes.

She screamed squirrel and grabbed me. Well, it darted out and it looked

pregnant.

It was a paper bag.

All right, we're just going to tell Cheryl that there's no Thanksgiving

she slept all the way through it.

Everyone on board?

It's Friday.

Wow.

I bet there's a story with that.

Yes, there is.

Does it involve pirates?

It could.

All right, kids.

Let's go.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

Well, I took it for granted that you would take me for granted. So while you

were giving me the day off, I made a dinner reservation at the Whitsitt.

Oh, sure. I'll take the Whitsitt. That's perfect. All right, give us ten minutes

to get cleaned up. Yeah.

I can give you all day because I just made a reservation for me and the kids.

So, you girls ready for some turkey?

Mommy, I met Barbra Streisand.

He's really tall.

This isn't happening.

No.

No, it isn't.

I know that woman.

This is the Cheryl -ized version of the empty gesture.

It's called the harmless threat.

She started the car.

It's a bluff.

Down the driveway.

She'll be back.

And there she goes.

Nice try, Cheryl.

And that reservation at the restaurant is for all of us.

And she won't start eating till we get there.

at every table.

I wish I had someone else to blame for this.

But it's just you two.

What? If you'd just gotten that tablecloth off the roof, we wouldn't

here. Yeah, yeah, I'd be on the couch right now, my pants open, sick to my

stomach, and eating pumpkin pie.

I wouldn't even be wearing pants.

Trying to prove a point wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.

Does this mean we can come in and eat?

Well... Then say yes! Go!

So.

So.

You coming?

Yeah.

In a second.

You know, I gotta tell you, Cheryl.

That was really weird.

What? Well, just staring at you through the window there while you're sitting at

the table with all the kids without me.

Yeah, I was just kind of, I got this feeling that, you know, I was... Lonely?

Yeah, I felt lonely.

Yeah, well, honey, that's how I feel every Thanksgiving.

I spend the day alone.

I mean, I hear laughter coming from the room. I don't know what it's about.

I spend an hour up on the roof and nobody notices.

Forty -five minutes, no milking.

Come here.

If you're in the kitchen and you're feeling lonely, I've got a crazy idea.

Why don't you come in the living room? I can't cook dinner from the living room.

Even with those giant extendable forks you got me.

The best anniversary gift ever.

Don't even argue with me. Jim, come on. Okay, okay, Cheryl, Cheryl.

Come on.

It's Thanksgiving.

I don't want you to feel unappreciated.

I don't want you to feel lonely.

But you've got to cook.

I mean, it's Thanksgiving.

I mean, what's Thanksgiving without your lumpy gravy?

Well, okay, how about this? What if you guys bring the small TV into the kitchen

and watch football while I cook?

Big TV.

Will you talk to me?

Commercials.

And halftime.

Next year, I really want to be in some of the pictures.

Why wait till next year?

Here.

You and me.

Say Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.