All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s03e10_paintball

Boy, two seconds left. I could just run
out the clock and end the game.

Or kick an easy field goal and win by
five. What should I do?

Just kick it already.

I think I will.

Here's the snap and the kick.

She blocked it.

Game called On Account of Darkness.

I can't believe you did that, Andy.
Yeah, well, it's a tough world, Dana.

gotta learn she can't win all the time.

She flushed my keys, didn't she?

No, that was your wallet.

And those were your keys.

Oh, baby.

Oh, look.

There we are decorating the gym for the
prom.

Oh, look at your bangs. Very Debbie
Gibson.

Yeah. I wasn't going for fashion. I was
hiding a bit that looked like a third

eye. Oh.

All hail the conquering paintball hero.
Let the victory feast commence.

Oh, I got some fruit salad.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Fruit salad.

How'd it go?

Oh, honey, it went great.

Really great. We were like the ultimate
warriors, you know. We were tasting

fear, dealing out death, crawling
through mud. And the mud's actually

good for your pores.

Remember how I had dry patches?

You see, this is why your own guys shoot
you.

You know, I just don't get the whole
paintball thing. Grown men playing war.

It's just so weird.

Really? Yeah. How about a bunch of women
getting together once a week to chat

about school?

That's the PTA.

You too. I'm going to watch the game.
No, no, no. You are not going in my

room like that.

Dana, take him out and hose him off. Oh,
can I use the power hose?

That's why we got it.

Hey, honey, how would you like to have a
five -course gourmet dinner tomorrow

night? Oh, I'd love to. And how about if
we cooked it ourselves in a cooking

class? You can let me finish, but I
can't.

Oh, come on. Don't be so Jim.

I thought it was something fun we could
do together.

Well? We could, uh, we could have sex.

That's fun.

And we almost always do that together.

Come on, we don't want to end up one of
those couples with nothing in common

once the kids go away. I mean, do you
want to end up on a park bench with

nothing to say to each other, just
feeding the pigeons?

Yeah, the park, that's kind of a long
walk.

Honey, all we ever do together anymore
is eat pizza and watch TV.

Is that true? Come on, last week we had
some Chinese food and we did that

romantic thing where we fed each other.

You stealing food off my plate is not
feeding each other.

They're all cooking class, cooking
class. I'm a guy, I don't go to cooking

class. There are going to be guys there.

Really? Yeah, and look, it's more of a
grilling demonstration.

Really? Come on, give it a try.

All you have to do is just sit there and
eat.

I do like to eat.

Almost as much as you like sitting.

You're playing into my strengths.

All right.

There'll be guys here. I said couples.
That means guys. There's a guy. There's

guy.

Yeah. There was a guy like 50 years ago,
honey. Oh, well.

Um... What?

That's the grill? This is grilling?
That's the grill? That's a little girl's

grill with a little beak.

If they're serving fish, I'm out of
here.

The important thing is we're together,
right?

I guess so. Okay, now just try to have a
good time and stop complaining.

Fine.

My shoes are too tight. Stop. Sit.

Miss Cynthia Cookson, as in I will cook
some delicious food for you tonight.

Some of you may know me from my Channel
7 News cooking segment called Grills

Gone Wild.

Yeah,

we have some fun.

So before we begin, does anyone have any
questions? Yeah.

What are we going to eat?

Hey, man.

To truly understand grilling, we must
first understand flavor.

So, let's begin with an A to Z of
spices.

A to Z? How many spices are there?

A.

Anise. Anise.

Anise. It has a mild flavor which
resembles licorice. And it is a month in

Southeast Asian cooking.

We're almost ready with our marinade.

Now, remember, Jim, we're whisking.

We're not trying to beat it unconscious.

It's either you or the sauce lady.

What?

What? I'm not complaining. I'm whisking.

Damn it. Now I know the word whisking.

Okay, our steak is ready and grilled to
perfection.

Me first. Me first. This is the line.
The line starts here.

What's this?

Where's the rest of the steak?

Well, there's 20 people in the class.
You want everyone to have a sample,

you? No, I don't know these people.

Cynthia, Jim's pretty hungry from all
that whisking. Don't you think you could

cook some more steak?

No. And that cooks and thing, you know,
that's kind of my trademark, so I would

just go ahead and not say that.

Nothing.

I didn't even chew.

Take mine.

It's like taking a meat pill.

Hey, buddy, is that Betty Grable over
there?

Okay, dessert time, and I'm going to
need a lemon zester, and the zestiest

person here is Jim.

You know, we could plot to kill her.
That's something we can do together.

And I know all the spices I could use.

I drew Frank Gehry's groundbreaking
museum in Bilbao, Spain.

Your lines are crooked.

It's called forced perspective.

And since we're being critical, let's
talk about your blue trees.

Hello!

Mommy! Daddy!

Girls, how were they?

Cute, but untalented.

Why don't you go brush your teeth and
we'll be right up.

So, did you have fun?

Well, fun usually means fun, so no.

and tried to have a good time. Hey, I
told you I didn't want to go.

No, no, you said you would go. Then you
made it very clear you didn't want to be

there, which is worse.

Too hungry to hear.

Too hungry to hear.

Hey, can you hear this? I ate the last
lamb chop.

See, this is when I'm glad I'm single.

No getting dragged to things. No
negotiating with your partner. I do

want, watch whatever I want, and no
one's there.

And no one's there.

It's all good.

Hey, what are you doing? I'm starving.

I'm going to make a sandwich.

Peanut butter, bologna, and macaroni and
cheese?

Classic number seven it is.

I just hope this puts an end to all this
couples activity crap. I wouldn't count

on it.

Cheryl's just like Mom.

Always nagging Dad to do stuff together.

Yeah, son to an early grave.

No, no, that was the number four bus to
Elk Grove.

Dad didn't believe in crosswalks.

He actually found a way of beating Mom
at her own game.

How did he do that?

Well, he suggested they try ice fishing
together.

Eat ice fishing.

So did she.

So he never had to do anything with her
ever again.

Long story short, I know how to unhook a
girdle blindfolded.

You know what, Andy?

Your dad was a genius.

You may have problems, but... you're the
smart man.

Hey, Cheryl.

You know, I was thinking, maybe you're
right. We should do more couple stuff.

Really? Yeah, and I know exactly what I
want to do. Oh, Cheryl, don't. The last

time you let him pick something, you
spent your anniversary at a cockfight.

Yeah, but we did win 20 bucks.

He did my thing. I'm going to do his
thing. Quid pro quo.

Great. Okay.

Saturday morning, 10 o 'clock sharp.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where are we going?

Oh, it doesn't matter. It really
doesn't. I mean, the point is that we're

to do it together, right?

Yeah, yeah. But what is it?

It's the sport of kings.

Paintball.

Quid pro quo, Cheryl.

Quid pro.

Um, sorry. Do you have anything a little
less gunny?

Would you look at this thing?

Think about your whacked out gun nuts
would be cleaner.

Oh,

thank you so much for coming with me.
Hey, you're my sister. If I ever marry a

guy with no common interest and my
marriage is in a rut, you do the same

Oh, honey, you know I will.

Oh, I love the smell of paintball in the
morning.

Smells like paint.

Are you girls ready?

Are you ready to be all that you can be?

Yeah, I guess.

Hey,

where's Andy?

I thought he was going to meet us here.

I could have taken you all out and been
in the shadows before you hit the

ground. Observe.

We can see you.

How about now?

You're right there.

am i idiot all right girls come on be

excited here come on let me hear your
war cries yeah what's that come on a war

cry that's the kind of war cry where's
your

spirit what's the point so you can shoot
me to get back at me for taking you

some cooking class you know cheryl why
would i do that Why would I shoot one of

my own guys?

I'm one of your men?

We're on the same team.

Why do you always think I'm up to
something?

Because you're Jim and that's what Jim
does.

Yeah.

Wake up, shower, scheme, lunch, scheme,
dinner, half -assed apology, bed.

I should make room in that schedule to
be hurt.

I mean, I just picked something I like
for us to do because I thought you'd

it too.

But forget it.

From now on, we'll just do what you want
to do. No, no, honey, I just assume

that... You know what, Cheryl? When you
assume, you make an ass out of me and

you. No, that would be ass me you.

Don't you have to be someplace else?

You know I don't.

Wow.

I guess he really does want to do this
with me.

Well, I owe it to him to at least try.

Come on, light me up.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You're a machine.

You are a force to be reckoned with.
You're an agent of destruction.

Yeah. Oh, man. I just wish it wasn't so
crampy. Oh.

Well, maybe we can go get some chem and
meal tea back at the battle camp. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, Andy.

I got to tell you.

Your father's plan was brilliant.

Cheryl's going to get her togetherness
all right.

We're going to be together when I drag
her through the dirt and the brush and

the rocks until I can say sayonara to
couples activities forever.

Hey.

That snack bar was out of popcorn, but
gummy worm?

Who are you talking to?

I'm trying to shoot

these guys.

I'm dead.

I'm dead. You happy?

Yeah, I need a mani -pedi at 10 o
'clock.

Come on, Marie. My nails are a mess.

such a good sport about this.

It's starting to really piss me off.

Gee, I shouldn't be surprising that
she'd be tough or descended from

Ah, that warrior instinct kicks in. Get
down, get down. It's a shoelace.

Damn it.

This is terrible and I'm going to have
to keep going on outings with her.

This was a stupid plan and your dad was
an idiot.

We both know there's one thing here that
will definitely break Cheryl. What?

The mud hole.

Oh, the mud hole. All right.

Cheryl hates the mud. She hates to get
dirty.

Unless she's in a spa paying 80 bucks an
hour to sit in it.

All right. Here's the plan.

I'm going to lead Cheryl over to the mud
hole.

You open fire on us, and she'll have no
choice but to jump in the pit.

you sir are neither an officer nor a
gentleman thank you

Lighten up, will you?

Will you please lighten up? You wouldn't
talk to me in the paintball gift shop.

You wouldn't talk to me on the way home.
Just say something. Say one word.

Butthead.

That's two words.

Butthead. That's two words!

I'm sure. I was just making a joke. Come
on. You know what?

I thought I was pretty clever
considering all the mud in my crack.

You wanted to make me miserable. You
wanted me to suffer.

Well, you know, we never have to do
anything together again. Happy?

Come on, Cheryl, that's not what I want.

Come on, I want to have fun with you.
It's just that all the things you pick

suck.

Like, people suck. You know what? I
tried.

You know, what you didn't do in cooking
class?

I have a good reason for that. What?

I didn't want to.

All right, fair enough. You didn't want
to. So we'll just live our separate

lives and grow apart, and one day when
we're old, we'll look at each other in

our matching sweatsuits and say, who the
hell are you?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Sit down. I don't want that.

I don't want that to happen, especially
the sweatsuit part.

Jeff, I don't either. That's why I'm
making such an effort.

Honey, I miss you.

How could you miss me? We live in the
same house.

Just because we're in the same house at
the same time doesn't mean we're

together.

Come on.

Don't you miss me?

No.

We wake up together.

You know, we fight over the toilet in
the morning together.

We have dinner together every night.
We're raising a family together. How

I miss you?

Yes, I miss you.

Thank you.

Oh, you're too cute.

Look, I just want you to know I'd rather
do nothing with you

than anything with anybody else oh honey

i'm gonna go take a shower good because
you stink

hey want to join me well if you're gonna

make an effort i guess i will too