Original subtitles

All right, here's a list of the Halloween candy we need. Get the fun

the bite size. Oh, and no peanuts because of the Perkins kit. And honey,

scratch there. This is where we shop.

Okay, I'm going to go get eggs. Okay, honey? Oh, and honey, thank you for

helping.

I'm a helper.

Apparently, you have no idea how important this Halloween party is to me.

dry ice. I've made promises.

Aunt Dana, look at my wish cookie.

Ooh, scary.

Really good for a three -year -old.

I'm seven.

Yeah, they're not so impressive.

Listen, bucko.

Without dry ice, my bubbling cauldron is just my old spaghetti pot.

No, no, don't hang up on me. Don't, don't, don't.

Who cares? I don't need dry ice. It's not like my Halloween party has to be

perfect.

A pumpkin full of paint coming through.

Okay, why?

Well, you know how the Flynn kids drive over our pumpkin every year? Well, this

year their treat is a new paint job.

Oh, compliments of the neighborhood crackpot.

I thought you were raking the leaves.

I'll get to it, I'll get to it. Hey, girls, you want to rake the leaves for

Daddy? No, Daddy!

All right, but I thought I heard a puppy under there. Oh, what?

It's been three whole hours.

Okay, everybody's staring at me. I can't talk. I'll see you in a minute. Bye.

So, your cat learned to dial a phone?

No,

that was Hank, the guy I'm seeing.

You're dating somebody?

Tell, now.

Well, we've been seeing each other for about two weeks, and I really like him,

and he's coming over, so please don't let Jim talk or be seen.

Me?

Dana, I don't chase your guys away.

When you're dating a guy, you hunt for his one flaw and then we never see him

again. I mean, really, it's kind of pathetic.

I mean, no offense.

Why do you even bother saying no offense? Allow me.

Because he's a jerk. No offense.

None taken.

You see, he hurt my feelings and he said no offense and took this thing away.

Hey, everybody. This is Hank.

My brother Andy, my sister Cheryl, and the guy she married.

Jim. Oh, the paint the pumpkin trick, huh? Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, those punk

kids are not going to even see that coming when they're driving down the

Yeah, I call it the classic... Earl Scheib.

Earl Scheib. Earl Scheib. Yeah.

Come on, Cheryl. Who's the crackpot now?

Still you, Jim. Oh.

So, um, Ken's going to come with me to your Halloween party as my date. Oh.

Oh, you did an RSVP plus one, but I guess I can improvise.

Andy, no shrimp tonight.

Okay, let's go somewhere else.

Oh, can it be near a TV?

The Blackhawks are on. You guys have ESPN?

You work for the cable company?

No. I got one, two, and classic. Oh, sweet.

This Hank is not like other guys that Dana's dated.

I mean, I feel like I could actually hang out with that guy. Yeah, yeah. You

know, he seems really familiar. Yeah?

He's just like Jim.

What?

Are you kidding me? It's obvious. You guys are two peas in a pod.

Wow, she's right.

Dana's dating you.

Well, well, well.

All these years of her putting me down, huh? And she's dating a guy just like

me.

Tim, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Thought you'd like to know, third period, blood in the ice, gloves coming

Oh, I can't get too attached.

Tim, why are you smiling like that?

No reason, just smiling.

Can I smile?

Yeah, it's great.

Hey, let me ask you a question. Yeah.

Hey, guy, what's your favorite thing about him?

I don't know.

Everything.

Yeah, yeah.

He's kind of perfect then, isn't he? Yeah.

I mean, so anyone like him would be perfect too, right? Because he's

right? Right? Is he perfect? Yeah, he's perfect. Okay, okay, okay. I just want

to take a picture of this.

the party. Oh, relax. Everything's going to be fine. You just don't get it, do

you? What?

The Kraniches have the neighborhood Christmas party. The Meyers own New

Eve. I want to own a holiday.

Have you forgotten that I lead the St. Patrick's Day parade every year?

You and Andy running down the street in green underwear is not a parade.

Draws a big crowd every year.

All right, come on, Dana. Take a dozen finger sandwiches. They're not going to

make themselves. Okay.

Kate, are you going to miss me? Oh, a night outfit? You're damn right.

Let me leave you with it.

And be safe, okay?

Oh, thank you for doing this, Andy. No problem.

They're only this age once. Yeah.

All right, listen up.

I want to get back before that party starts. The clock is ticking, all right?

Your belly starts hurting, your bag breaks, you fall down, you're on your

Let's roll.

So don't you just love Hank?

Oh, I do. In fact, he's the kind of guy I might marry.

Wink, wink.

What does that mean?

Well, don't you see any similarities between him and...

Someone else?

You see the Russell Crowe thing, too?

Dina, Hank is just like Jim.

Jim who?

Jim, my husband, Jim.

What? Yes.

No way.

Hank and Jim are nothing alike.

Hank is thoughtful and charming and romantic.

Jim's all those things.

Ah, crack on a cracker. I got a tip on my shirt.

Practically twins.

Did you know Hank took me to the opera?

Really? Jim, where did you take me on our second date?

The ballet.

You took her to the ballet?

Yeah. I wanted her to think I was cultured so I could tune in Tokyo, you

This is insane.

It's killing you, isn't it?

The guy you're dating is me.

Well, I hope it works out for the two of you because I'm already taken.

You guys are so full of it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Let me ask you something. When you

went to the opera, was Hank familiar with any of the music?

Yes. As a matter of fact, he sang along to a couple of the pieces. Oh, I see.

Were they the actual lyrics or dirty, made -up joke lyrics?

Shut up.

You know, I may be a powerful superhero, but damn, I still like to play with

dolls.

You know I'm a guy.

Hi, my name's Jim. This is my house.

Okay. Oh, it's adorable.

Cheryl, that is a great flapper outfit.

Well, thank you. Jim thought I was a dame from a Three Stooges movie.

Yeah, you totally are.

We're out of dip. Did anybody see? Did anybody see? No.

Okay, it's on the counter. Get it and put it on the stack table. Move, move,

move, move.

Cheryl, stop bossing my boyfriend around. I haven't even done that yet.

Sorry, it just reminds me so much of Jim.

For the last time, Hank and Jim are nothing alike, okay?

Well, no similar qualities have got nothing in common, so just drop it! Oh,

yeah.

Personal foul.

15 -yard penalty for turning me on.

you, Irene.

It was fun, but I don't think it was as fun as the Johnson's Fourth of July

party, do you?

Well, aren't you sweet?

Yes, I will see you next year, definitely. Okay, bye -bye.

We own Halloween!

By the way, thank you for squeezing Jim's butt last night. So he didn't want

to do it.

Please just drop it. I went through three bottles of antibacterial soap.

What did I say?

He actually thought it was pretty funny. You see?

It's like Jim.

Yeah, I see that now.

So that's why I dumped him.

What?

Well, I don't want a future with... What, Jim?

Well, it's just that I have this vision of what I want my life to be, and it's

not this.

What's wrong with this? I got a husband who loves me. I have three beautiful,

healthy kids.

I don't need you looking down your nose at me just because you can't keep a man.

Well, I can keep a chimp, Cheryl. That doesn't mean I want one in my house.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have a house? I didn't realize that because you're always here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I just love hanging out here and babysitting your kids when you and Jim

off to the pickle convention or wherever it is he takes you.

I got you a T -shirt.

I remember pickle people do it with relish.

It was stupid.

I would never wear that. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. You have to look good for no

one.

Fine. You and your.

Let me ask you something.

If you hit me in the stomach really hard, would it pop my appendix?

I'm willing to risk it.

What are you trying to get out of?

Cheryl wants me to go shopping for end tables with her.

Wait, not even to buy them, just to get ideas.

I'm telling you, ever since those two have been fighting, I've turned into the

new Dana.

Been there.

Hey.

Cheryl?

Cheryl, what are you doing?

Well, Dana left us at the party, and she's not going to come get us. I

maybe you could drop it off at her house. No problem. I'll put my best man

it.

So?

So. What are you doing?

Well, the girls are in school, and Kyle did a play date. I thought maybe you and

I could grab some salads and talk.

Tell you what, you make it a steak and a nooner, and I'm on board.

Oh.

Would you look at that?

What? She probably doesn't even know it's mid -nooner.

She leaves this thing everywhere.

Probably lose her head if it wasn't screwed on.

Oh, Sharon, please.

Oh, I'm fine.

My sister and I will probably just grow old separately.

Until we're finally brought together again for Andy's funeral.

We have got to do something to put these two back together.

You put them together.

I'm staying out of it.

Okay, okay, then I guess you get to go with Cheryl's shopping for end tables

that we're not even going to buy because I'm not doing both of them. Here.

All right.

But at my funeral, I want bagpipes. Hey, that's your day. You can have whatever

you want.

Cheryl didn't want to bring it herself, huh?

No, she couldn't because she's really busy with... Nah.

Want some ice cream?

What flavor? Do you care? No.

Wow.

You know, uh... It's the first time you've ever shared anything with me.

Oh, well, Andy, I mean... You're my brother. I love you.

Yikes.

Why don't you just give Cheryl a call?

Why? So she can tell me how pathetic I am and that I can't keep a man and I'm a

failure and I haven't showered in three days and all my plants are dying. Would

you stop?

What? Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You've got it great.

You're a beautiful, intelligent woman, but are you happy? No.

You're sitting here alone, crying, eating ice cream. And I've been there,

three times last week.

Andy, listen.

No, you listen to me.

Your problem is, Dana, if you can't have this perfect life you've always dreamed

about, you don't want any life at all. Well, wake up.

People all around you are happy. Cheryl is happy. She's found someone she loves.

Is he perfect? No.

Hell no.

You want to sit around waiting for this perfect guy all your life? That's fine.

That's your choice. Go ahead and do that. But don't knock someone for

game you won't even suit up for.

Never tore anyone a new one before.

Do I stay? Do I go? What?

Um, stay.

Please. Okay.

Yeah, I'm gonna go. Okay.

hell of a party five days ago.

Okay, Cheryl, but I can live longer like this than you can.

Girls, go to bed.

Don't forget to wash up and brush your teeth.

No, we don't want to.

I'll handle it. Your credibility is a little shaky right now.

Hey. Hey.

I was so stupid. No, no, I was mean. No, no, let me just say what I have to say.

I was wrong.

I know how happy Jim makes you. I mean, to me, he's Jim.

But to you, he's everything.

And I want a guy who's everything.

You know, if he...

comes in a gym package, then I guess we'll just have to work with that.

Oh.

Work doesn't even begin to describe what I have to do with gym.

Oh, God. I ate a quart of ice cream before dinner.

I ate two instead of dinner.

What? Look.

Oh, my God. I know.

That really is stupid. I know.

I missed you. Oh, I missed you, too.

What am I going to do about it? Hank, I really like him. I know. Call him.

I don't know what to say. I mean, we only went out for a couple weeks. We

know each other very well.

Three little pigs is just a story.

I don't know where they buy their pants.

Go to sleep.

Yeah, I think you know Hank better than you think you do.

Oh, hey, Dana.

Hey.

So the two of you are cool now?

Yeah. Oh, thank God.

I don't think I can spend another night drinking herb tea and talking handbags.

So, Jim, Dana wants to make up with Hank, but she doesn't know what to say,

she's going to talk to you instead.

Me? Yeah.

Oh, all right.

Let me get in character here.

Okay, proceed.

Okay, this is weird. I'll be right here the whole time. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Okay.

You're Hank.

Yes, Hank.

Um, I really screwed up.

I acted like a spoiled princess because I was feeling... You

know, I'm hearing a lot of I's.

But not hearing any yous.

I'm a man. You want to hold my interest? Talk about me.

You made me feel really special.

And you made me realize what a wonderful person you are.

Am I a sexy beast?

Yes, Hank.

And we were really great together, and I lost sight of that. But if you give me

another shot, I will never do it again.

All right, well, let's see.

I'll tell you what.

You open me up a can of cling peaches, and you got yourself a deal.

Cling peaches?

What the heck do cling peaches do? You want me back or not?

Yeah, you know, it won't always make sense.

All right.

Clean peaches it is. Atta girl!

Daddy! Frankie's licking my dog's head!

She wants her boogers on me!

Here we go. I'm coming up there.

You know, when I was a kid, my mom would give me a sip of brandy and I was out

for the night.

Okay.

I'm going to go over to Hank's. Okay. Good. Hey, you gonna wear the

outfit? Yeah, of course. Cling peaches can only get me so far.

I love you. Love you.

All right, if you two don't stop fighting, I'm gonna let the monster out

closet.

Girls, girls, get out from under the bed.

No!

All right, but that's where the snakes are.