Original subtitles

How long do we have to keep him here?

The Cubs win the World Series.

It could be a while.

All right.

Everything's going to be all right.

First of all, we're going to get you a new place to live.

We're going to get you a new job.

We're going to even give you a new name.

Your name now is Ed.

Ed's Game Blower.

I'm sorry. I'm still a little wrong.

How about Ed?

Dream wrecker.

Wait, Jim, your keys.

Don't you ever learn?

Oh, baby.

Okay, Ruby.

Four times nine is?

Uh, 49?

42.

36.

38?

What? You had it.

Ruby, I gave you the thumbs up.

I thought you meant go higher.

Dana, you can't help her with the answers. No, I can't help. but it's so

to watch, like Jim trying to pick which fork to use at a fancy restaurant.

Mommy, I don't want to do this anymore.

Can we stop?

No, honey, you have to learn this. The SATs are less than ten years away.

Cheryl, my love, I'm in the coupon section here, and I don't see anything

out.

I mean, we got mac and cheese, party mix, generic pop. You missed everything.

I'm trying to do homework in here.

Oh, come on, you've been at it for an hour. How long can a second grader's

homework take? I mean, Columbus seal, the ocean blue, something, something,

my shoe.

Look, this is second grade math. If she doesn't get this now, she's going to

fall behind. I know, and then she's going to end up living in a bus station

behind a candy machine.

Come on!

Would you let me handle this?

Educating the girls should be my department.

What?

Why?

Well... Why, why, why, why?

Why? Because you think you're smarter than me?

Is that what you're saying? That's what everybody's saying.

What? You were in the National Honor Society.

Well, it's not something I like to go on and on about. I mean, it was automatic

if you got straight A's.

Every year.

Four years in a row.

Wow. What'd you get, Jim?

I got a career.

I got a house.

And I got an honors student who brings me beer.

All right, Ruby, sweetie, we've got to get back to these flashcards. We still

have to do our five and six times table.

I hate math.

I wish math would die.

Ruby, don't say that.

Math can be an incredible adventure.

Not when you're teaching it.

Come on, she's like me. She's not a flashcard person. Maybe she likes to

little fun with it.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You know what the problem with you hoity -toity honor society people is? You

always think your way is the best way.

Daddy, he's a toity.

Yes, I did. See, I already have her interest.

All right, you think you can do better than I can? Yes, I can.

Oh, sure, I'll let him do it. This will be a hoot.

Fine, you do it. I will.

And I'll make it fun.

Because nobody learns anything without entertainment.

That's why Vegas is so popular.

Okay. Now, I've got two handfuls of marshmallows

in Uncle Andy's mouth.

Nine in each handful.

Two times nine is... Eighteen. Okay,

okay, okay, okay.

So if I put another nine...

doing?

Alright, listen.

So, if 2 times 9 is 18, 3 times 9

is... 14?

No.

Not less, Ruby.

27. 3 times 9 is 27.

So, what's 3 times 9?

And I ate two times five hot dogs, eight times ten french fries, and two -thirds

of a pie. We didn't do fractions.

I know, I like pie.

All right, come on, honey, honey, I love you so much, I really do, but we've got

to get going here. No, no, no, no, no.

Just let Cheryl do it. No, I'm not going to let Cheryl do it. We've still got

five more of these stupid worksheets. Five?

Oh, I hate math, I wish I would die.

remember getting this much homework in the second grade? Please, second grade

was all about boogers and paste.

Ruby, how come you have so many worksheets?

Nick Taylor makes us bring home what we can't finish in class.

I try to go fast, but that makes it even harder.

Oh, God, you sound just like me when I was in school.

Did the numbers spin around in your head and swear at you?

No.

Oh.

No, no, no, honey. We got to keep going. We got to keep going. You know what

used to help me with numbers and stuff?

It's like a rhyme or a song or something like that. Give me a beat. Give me a

beat. Give me a beat.

My name is 18 and I'm two times nine.

Man, I'm doing fine.

Really want to get up to heaven.

Three times nine is 20.

Uh, Mrs. Steeler?

Hi, I'm Jim.

I'm Ruby's father.

Well, hi there, Dad.

Your Ruby is such a joy. Oh, thank you, thank you. Can we talk about her

homework? Dad likes to get right to the point.

Uh, could you not call me Dad? It's kind of freaking me out a little bit.

Listen, uh...

Mr. Taylor, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, okay? But what you're

doing is totally wrong.

I mean, you know, these kids talk.

And the word on the playground is that you're kind of a hard -ass.

Yes, I've read that on some of the bathroom walls.

I think you're giving Ruby way too much homework. Can you cut back a little bit?

I'm sorry my hands are tied. I have to follow the state's curriculum.

Maybe Ruby needs a little more help with her homework. No, no, no, no, no, but I

am helping her. I'm up all night. I can't do that anymore.

Well, what about your wife? Can't she help? No, no, no, no, she can't do that.

No, no, no, she can't help.

Is there a problem with your wife?

Yes.

Would you like to talk about it?

No, it's kind of personal.

Well, that's why we're here. If there's a situation at home, I can make an

exception and lighten Ruby's workload.

Oh, that's great. Thank you so much. But I would need to know exactly why your

wife is unable to help your daughter. Oh, I just don't know if I can talk

it. It would be our secret.

Well, I just...

interested or is it just a commercial?

Hold that thought. The show's back on.

Oh, why aren't you guys doing homework?

We finished an hour ago. And here's a golfing toddler who really taught dad

meaning of the word back swing.

Right in the cross.

Hey, give a kid a golf club stand back, juniors.

So, Ruby, you finished all your homework?

Yeah. Every bit of it.

Wow. And a lot.

Faster than she did with the honors student. You might have to give up those

flashcards.

Oh, look out for the rake.

Oh!

Rake the frog!

All right, all right, all right. Enough frog stuff.

Hey, hey, hey! Come on, come on! That ain't cool, man. That is not cool.

girl, bummer girl.

Girls, go to bed.

Andy, Dana, go home.

for art class.

Please tell Ruby's mother she needs a smock for art class.

What I said.

Why don't you send a note from me to you?

I don't know, Cheryl.

It's a crazy world out there.

I once saw a dog with a bird writing on his back.

Explain that, not explain the note.

Hey, has anybody seen my cell phone?

Oh, yeah. Right here. Here it is.

Ruby's mom.

Well, hi there, Mom.

Yeah, we met at back -to -school night, remember?

Of course.

You're the one who had trouble finding the classroom.

Yeah, well, those signs can be pretty hard to figure out. Of course they can.

Well, here's the smock you wanted for Ruby that you asked for in the note you

sent to my husband.

You know, I was wondering, why didn't you send the note to me?

Well, I just thought it would be easier.

Well, actually, no.

No, you can send the notes to me. I promise I'll let Jim read them.

Sit with me, Mom.

Yeah, could you not call me Mom?

It's kind of freaking me out.

This is Clara by A Hat.

Oh, please. I'd know that book anywhere just by the colors.

Yeah, Jim reads that to the kids every night.

But you don't.

No, I am thrilled to have him read to the kids. If that's the one thing he

that I don't, that's fine with me.

But it's not fine when Dad isn't around, is it, Mom?

What?

It's all right, Cheryl. This is a safe place.

I know.

Know what?

When Dad was here asking for less homework for Ruby, he opened up to me.

Jim was here?

Yes. And he told me you can't read.

Did he?

So what time are the other PTA moms getting here? Any second.

This is going to be great. This is the first time the PTA has ever sanctioned a

hit.

Here's Jim Wright telling people you can't read.

Yeah, read this, fucko.

You know, you're supposed to grab yourself when you say that.

Ew.

Just saying, grab something.

You know what I like, Andy?

What? Television.

Me too. It's like they've taken all the interesting people in the world and put

them in a box. Yeah.

Sure, what's going on? Oh, honey, the PTA meeting is going to be here tonight.

I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you.

Make yourselves at home. I'll be right back.

PTA?

Hey, Thandie, Sarah, Dixie.

Oh, I wish I was in a land of cotton.

So, your husband, is he still in a coma?

I'm divorced.

Oh. Yeah, that's right. How you doing with that?

It's been rough.

Yeah.

Well, you're holding up well.

It's never going to happen.

This one's sending me mixed signals here, Jim, so I'm out of here.

All right, ladies, I'm going to get out of here here.

But if you could try to wrap it up by nine, because that's when the pants come

off.

I want to let you know, if you need help with anything, just call.

Yeah, sure. What would I need help with?

Mrs. Taylor told us about Cheryl's reading problem.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not a problem.

Oh, Jim.

Ignoring it is not the answer. We need to bring it out in the open.

That is the worst thing you can do with a problem.

You need to sit on it and forget about it until it fixes itself.

All right.

Let's get going.

Sure, do you mind if I join you?

Really? Yeah, I mean, I'm a P, here's the T -A, we're together now.

Okay, let's get started.

Here are the agendas.

Jim, you may want to hold Cheryl's for her.

Hold my own agenda?

Oh, sure you can, sweetie.

You've got that upside down, baby.

Okay, what do you say we whip through this meeting really quick, all right?

Let's see, first item here is a bake sale.

Okay, signs, a setup, and snacks. I'm thinking you, you, and you. Okay, what's

next? Hey, I want to do the signs.

Is that such a good idea?

Of course, why?

Cheryl, because you can't. What?

Well, you got all these commitments, and you're too busy. You're really too

busy. Well, maybe you can make the signs.

We need 200 signs by Monday. Are you sure?

Takes a village, Cheryl.

Okay, next up, library committee.

Me! Oh, Cheryl, I'm not sure that's really the right job for you.

Why not?

Well... It's because someone has taken it already, honey.

Who?

Me!

Terrific. We meet every Monday night at the library from 8 to 10.

Monday night?

That's Monday night football.

Okay, what do you say we meet at a sports bar?

Everybody know where Cleavage's is? Show of hands.

Jim, Jim, come on. It's fine.

I'll do it.

No, Cheryl, you can't. I'll handle it. Okay. I'll do it.

Can I get everybody drinks, or do you want to do that, too? That'd be great.

drinks. Okay. That's great. Thank you, honey. Okay, so, Jim, we got you down

the bake sale and the library committee. Okay. Okay, now let's talk about the

holiday pageant.

Santa.

Uh,

Cheryl, you want to grab me a six -pack while you're in there?

Maybe two?

Oh, how's it going? Like a charm. It couldn't be better.

Jim is going to be mother of the year.

Good, a great idea. How about I run out there and I say, Cheryl, you put

cleanser in the cake mix. Can't you read?

Yeah, that's terrible.

Jim, I have to tell you, I'm a little uncomfortable with Cheryl carpooling our

kids. I mean, she can't read road signs.

What if a bridge washes out?

How would she know?

I don't recall a bridge between here and school.

I mean, there's a railroad crossing.

it you just have to pick up the kids at seven all next week and no quick turns

my justin gets car sick listen maybe i didn't make

myself clear when i said cheryl couldn't read i meant to say she can read jim

don't be an enabler i i am not an enabler she can read i know it okay

get her to read one of these agendas

Nothing. We'd like you to read this agenda.

Here you go.

There you go.

Well, usually we just read these to ourselves.

Yeah, well, I'm the chairman of the library committee, and I'm in charge,

now you read.

I can't read this.

Why not?

I don't have my contacts in.

You don't have your contacts in.

These letters look weird.

What?

Is this even English? Of course it's English. What are you talking about?

It says here, never try to pull one over on your honor student wife.

pulled a sting on me in my own house.

Well, you deserved it. You went to Ruby's school without me and asked for

homework.

Yes, I did.

Why did you do that?

Because I was trying to help Ruby. No, no, no, Jim.

You were trying to help yourself because you didn't want to admit that you had

just as much trouble teaching Ruby as I did.

Why would I want to admit that?

You're always saying, Jim, leave the kids' education to me.

You're just going to push me aside like I'm not smart enough.

Oh, hey, I never said that. No, no, no, no, but you think it. Why don't you just

say it? No.

I'm going to give you a freebie here.

Really. Just say it. Say, Jim, I'm smarter than you. No. Go on, say it.

I'm smarter than you.

How dare you?

You told me to say it. I know, but I didn't think you'd be so convincing.

Daddy? Yes, honey? Come downstairs. I want to do math with you.

What?

You want to do math?

Yeah, it's fun when Daddy does it.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Go downstairs and get Daddy's math candy out.

See?

This is what I'm trying to tell you. We're not all flashcard people. Some of

are marshmallow -in -the -mouth people.

You know...

It's a well -known fact that flashcard people are sexier than marshmallow

people.

You got that right.

Oh, honey.

Well, is there any room for a hoity -toity honor student to help with the

homework?

Cheryl, you said toity.

Seriously, I really do want to help, but if I can't get my flashcards, what do I

do? Well, give me a beat.

What? Give me a beat.

Oh!

How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth?

That's funny. You know, you're going to want to bring that sense of humor to

your library committee meeting. Great. I'll meet you at cleavages.