Original subtitles

Here's the point. Look at me.

Okay, I'll be back about nine.

Honey, wait one second.

Remember the other day when you came home and Ruby had a new scrape on her

Yes, and you claimed it didn't happen on your watch.

Right. I don't want that to happen again.

Girls, can you come in, please?

Right here. Right here.

So, can we do a quick walk -around inspection so there's no confusion?

Okay, we got a cup.

Yep. Okay.

Scraped. Right.

Birthmark. Born to that. Okay,

we got a little rash here.

Right. Mosquito bite here.

Uh -huh. All right, girls, thank you.

Could you just sign here, please?

Okay. And initial there.

Have fun. Thank you.

Okay, here we are.

Ow, my knee!

Gracie! Let me see!

Left knee.

Tanya Bannon looks so beautiful in that new necklace. And trust me, her neck is

not winning any prizes on its own. Go, go, go.

Pulp.

Great. Now I got a floss.

So why did Mark get her the necklace? What was the occasion?

Oh, well, this is the best part. There was no occasion. He just spontaneously

bought it because he loves her.

Oh, Mark Bannon, it's so sweet.

I should have married him when I had the chance.

Too late. Oh.

I don't get why you girls go so crazy for jewelry. I mean, you can't eat it,

can't drive it, and if you really want something shiny, you get a nice fishing

lure for under five bucks.

Well, I think it's special that Mark would do something like that for his

after 15 years of marriage.

Special, huh? Yes.

Well, let me tell you something. A guy only springs for fancy jewelry for two

reasons. One, to get a chick in the sack, or two, because he's cheating.

Pop!

Pop? Yeah, that's your bubble bursting.

Ow!

Now, I never trusted that Mark Bannon with his parted hair and those slip -on

shoes.

I'm telling you, this guy has got something going on on the side.

Oh, will you stop?

Mark is not like that, and I'll tell you what, you could learn something from

him. Yeah, you know, he's right, except for that hair parting thing. That's just

it.

Look, in a healthy marriage, the kind that Dana will never experience...

I'm telling you, there's no reason for this fancy gift giving. I don't know. A

little thoughtfulness goes a long way.

I'm thoughtful.

I'm very thoughtful. I just don't have to buy a bunch of gifts to prove it. I

mean, what's the point?

I mean, who am I trying to impress you? I mean... Come on. You're not going to

go anywhere.

What?

Well, I already got you. You're in place.

I mean, the only jewelry you need is the one you got right there on your left

hand, baby.

Oh, honey.

You know what? You're right.

Eggs? Please.

Oh, I got tied up at the Jolly Hat rack.

What do you think?

The woman at the store said it was slimming.

Yeah, you'll lose weight after the beatings.

Is someone ready to go in?

Oh, I don't know. This stuff looks so expensive.

Why couldn't Bannon have gotten his wife pregnant? I could have done that for

free.

Look, Cheryl's upset with you. Just buy her the jewelry. Problem solved.

One and one makes two. When it makes three, give me a call.

May I help you? Yes, I'm here to look at some jewelry.

Earrings. Okay.

Is this for you or your partner?

Lose the hat. Lose the hat!

It's for my wife.

She's at home.

She's a woman.

Whoa. Mermaid off the starboard bow.

All aboard the SS Andy.

What's the occasion?

Ah, it's not really an occasion. I told her I didn't have to buy her jewelry

because she was already in place.

That's not so bad, is it?

Not if you're a jewelry salesman.

That's really funny.

Yeah, this looks like something she might wear.

Perhaps you have this in a zirconium knockoff?

Nope?

Okay. Wrap them.

Leave the price tag on there. I want her to know how much I love her.

and testicles.

Would you please sit down, Cheryl? I need to say something. I thought we

cake, then gift.

As you may be aware, I made a remark earlier today that some could perceive

insensitive. Oh, Jim, it was our fault for listening to you.

So, though I'm not admitting to any guilt, I would like to give you the

spontaneous token of my love.

Which is deeper than the ocean.

I thought I saw a dolphin.

Great.

Which is wider than the sky.

Do birds like ice cream? Not now, Ruby.

Which is wider than the sky.

Because I saw a cartoon where a bird ate pie.

Here. There, take it. Just take it.

I'm going to... Yeah?

Yes. Can you give me jewelry?

Well... Let's just say that Mark Bannon's not the only guy that loves his

Oh, honey.

Hmm? Oh, thank you, Jim. They're wonderful.

So, Kate?

Wonderful?

That's what she says when she can't think of anything good to say.

Is my drawing that wonderful?

Yeah. Time to grow up, princess.

You... You hate the earrings, don't you? No, honey, they're wonderful.

Wonderful? There's that word again.

All right, look.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but these are exactly like the earrings I've

been wearing every day for the past 15 years.

See?

How about that?

Yeah, but these new ones have sentimental value.

Yeah, well, the old ones were given to me by my grandmother on her deathbed.

Who wants to remember that?

Stop it.

It's like you don't even see me.

Oh, come on, I see you.

No, no, I don't think so.

Sometimes it's like you don't know me at all.

Come on, I know you. I know you better than anybody.

Yeah? What was my major in college?

Biology. Business administration.

Same thing.

What's my favorite band?

That's easy.

One of those obscure bands. Beatles.

Right. What color are my eyes?

34C. I was joking.

It was a joke.

You don't know everything about me either. Try me.

All right. What's my favorite movie?

Ice Station Zebra followed by A Fistful of Dollars and Pootie Tang.

Fine, but that could apply to almost anybody.

If you're afraid of spiders, you get a foot rush every summer. Your favorite

song to dance to is Brick House.

Your mother's middle name is Madeline. You're allergic to MSG. Oh, and you bite

your lip when you know you've lost.

Fine. Enough of your parlor tricks.

That Ben, and what a kiss -ass.

He bought jewelry for his wife just to make my life miserable.

Jim, it's not about buying jewelry. It's about taking the time to notice me.

Jim, the girls are asking a lot of questions out there. I need a carrot,

lemons, and a sock.

Jim got it for me because he knows I like them.

Wow. Yes. It's been three days of nonstop attention to the details of me.

I should buy Mark Bannon flowers.

Well, you better send it to one of those creepy singles apartments by the

airport. Tanya kicked him out.

What?

Apparently, he's been having an ongoing affair with his secretary.

Poor Tanya. Not Tanya, me.

That means Mark bought her the necklace because he was cheating.

Oh, so Jim was right.

Yeah. When he finds out it's going to be Glow -to -Palooza around here.

Yeah. Oh, God, he's going to be the Gloatmaster General.

I guess I knew it had to end sometime.

Well, it doesn't have to. You don't have to tell him.

Dana, my husband, I wouldn't feel right doing that.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

I want to tell you.

There's not one stray hair in the soap in the shower.

Because I know that's a pet peeve of yours. As is the phrase, pet peeves.

Thank you, honey.

And you know, I was thinking maybe we should paint the bedroom periwinkle

Your favorite color?

You're going to paint the bedroom? Don't push it, honey. The point was the color

thing.

What happened to telling him?

I know, I know, I should, but there's no hair on the soap for the first time in

years.

Is that what it comes down to in a marriage, is hairless soap?

Hey, Cheryl, you hear that?

That was a courtesy flush because I know you love him.

I do. I really do.

All right, that's real mature, okay? Give me the hat. Come on, give me the

Give me the hat!

Give him the hat!

Here you go, Captain.

You and me, Beltzman, we're headed for some choppy waters.

Andy, thanks for the tip on the garden gnome.

Cheryl loved it. Yeah, yeah, I'm touched. Where's my five?

Oh, right, right, right, right.

There you go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

Jim's been giving me money to fill him in on stuff Cheryl likes. Yeah, she

thinks I don't know her. Boy, she couldn't be more wrong.

What else you got, Andy?

Ooh, this one's worth ten easy.

Cheryl loves these butterscotch candies that my grandma used to give her and

Dana. Good, that's good. I never got any because I was Mr. Dirty Boy Nasty

Hands. What?

I was 14. She walked in on me.

Oh, stop.

What are you trying to do?

Stop it.

Why do you suddenly have to know stuff about your wife? I mean, she's already

place. Thank you.

She heard that Mark Bannon got his wife a fancy new necklace for no reason at

all. I could just kill the guy. I think his wife is going to beat you to it.

What? She caught him fooling around.

What? With his secretary.

22 years old.

Former gymnast.

Slimmer. Nice.

Well, well, well. A husband buying his wife jewelry because he was fooling

around. Who would have thought?

One, two, three, four.

Oh, practice was great.

Oh, what are you doing?

I am putting my socks and shoes where people eat because I know you and you

that.

Then why are you doing it? One moment, Cheryl.

You also hate it when I leave a wet sponge in the sink.

And you also hate it when I drink milk right out of the carton. Observe.

because it went bad.

And I also know you hate it when I

spit in the sink.

I get it. I get it. You're doing things you know I hate. Why?

Well, because word on the street is that your precious little Mark Bannon was

caught cheating on his turkey neck wife.

What? You heard me.

Hence his romantic gesture of jewelry.

So, Cheryl, shall I preheat the oven, or do you like to eat your crow raw?

You don't know how to preheat the oven.

And just because someone told you that Mark Bannon was fooling... under the

secretary doesn't make it true. Oh, it's true, but... Whoa, whoa.

I didn't say anything about a secretary.

Neither did I.

Yes, you did. I just heard you say it. No, I didn't. I just heard you say it.

How long have you known?

A few hours.

What's a few hours?

I don't know.

How many hours is three days?

Good God, woman, three days?

So I took advantage of the situation. You do that all the time.

Oh, Shira, what a tangled web we weave when we something something on Christmas

Eve.

That is so not how it goes.

Sorry, we can't all major in poetry.

Business administration!

All right, go ahead.

Make as much sense as you want right now because you are totally busted.

So you've got two choices. Either I return the unwanted earrings back and

the money and buy something I want, or you can keep the earrings and I'm going

to have an affair with my secretary.

You don't have a secretary. It's just you and Andy.

I'm returning the earrings.

Yeah.

he's probably watching his little TV in his little apartment by the airport

wondering what happened to his life.

I don't know, does it get any more pathetic than that?

Got any fourths?

Yeah,

I'm in here.

Hey, sure, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, yeah.

What about the game?

Oh, deal me out.

I'm sitting on three nines here.

Look, Cheryl, I need to tell you something. Yeah, so do I. No, no, no,

to go first. I need to apologize.

After you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Mark Bannon.

Oh, it's all right. Forget about it.

Until next time I get in trouble.

Look, when I went to return those earrings, it made me think about

When I told you that I didn't have to buy you jewelry because you were already

in place, I didn't mean it as a bad thing. I know, honey. I mean, I know I

see you, but...

In my defense, I don't see a lot.

I mean, look, I may not know what your major is or what your favorite song is

how many years we've been married.

But, you know, you're a part of me, like my arm.

Only with, you know, without the hair.

You're a part of me, too.

Yeah? Yeah.

Which part?

Yeah, I don't want to play this game. You're just going to make it dirty.

You do know me.

Well, maybe I know you, too.

Come here. Step in my office. No, Jim, I'm not going to the bathroom with you.

Not that office.

It's a pink bike.

Remember? What?

Remember, it was our second date. And you told me this story when you were a

little girl about how you wanted a pink bike with white wall tires and a little

bell for your birthday, right?

And your mom went out and bought you a green one because she liked the color

better. You remember that?

Of course.

Oh, honey, I'm impressed.

So am I.

I actually remembered something without Andy's help.

What do you mean, without Andy's help?

Look, we're having a really nice moment here. You sure you want to start asking

questions?

No.

It's a very nice bike.

Want to go for a ride?

Yeah.

Okay, jump on.

Hey, honey?

Yeah? Did I ever tell you about that $600 Louis Vuitton purse I didn't get as

child?

I don't want something fancy like that. You got no place to go. No.

I didn't mean...

tonight have you seen my hat yeah right here yes thanks man you're welcome

here's a wave