Original subtitles

Okay, Grace. We'll see you then.

Okay, that was Jim. He's at the airport with Mom. They'll be here in 45 minutes.

Whoa. I just got that knot in my stomach.

I've had it since I knew she was coming.

Do you guys have that knot in your stomach? Yeah.

It's even worse now she's bringing what's -his -name.

Hey, hey, hey. Her boyfriend's name is Frank.

Ow!

Frank. Oh, isn't that perfect?

I'm Frank.

I'm glad your dad's dead. I kiss your mom on the lip. All right, all right.

Dad's been gone for two years. Mom finally found somebody who made her

should support her.

Look who's still desperate to be the favorite.

Sorry, Peaches. You'll never be the baby.

Please. I've given her three grandchildren.

It's not even a contest.

Oh, okay, my mom. You look great. I thought you were 45 minutes away.

Oh, I love you. I love that gag. All you need is a phone and a sucker.

Frank, let me introduce you to everyone.

This is Gerald.

And Dana.

And there's my baby.

Lovely home, Cheryl. Thanks for opening it to us. Oh, it's my pleasure. So,

anybody for some peach strawberry iced tea?

Oh, yeah. Hey, what, a gay delivery truck in a pothole out front?

So, honey, how's the job hunt going? Any nibbles? Oh, yeah, there's plenty of

nibbles. Plenty of nibbles, yeah, yeah.

Oh, good. Any jobs?

Oh, jobs, jobs, jobs.

No.

Just remember, on your next job interview...

Show off the bosom.

Powerful men like that.

That's how your mom reeled me in.

How about a kiss on the lips?

Uncle Frank is getting a boat.

Uncle Frank is going to teach us how to tie knots.

You're a sailor, huh, Frank? That's right. It was my passion until I met

mother. Now it's just a hobby.

My father was a landlubber.

But by God, we loved him.

Andy's kind of an idiot. Maggie's already told you, right?

Yes.

So, Uncle Frank.

Wow, I just... I remember when you had to be related to use that title.

Did you hear that, Frank?

No, Maggie, I was otherwise engaged.

Oh, my God.

You guys are getting married?

I guess we just can't hide our bliss, huh?

Welcome to the family.

Here, change your grandson.

Ruby's diary?

You shouldn't read that.

This is how we keep one step ahead of her.

You know, I just don't like that, Frank.

Did you see the way he was massaging my mother's shoulders in the kitchen?

And the way he keeps calling her honey?

And then he pulls her chair out at the table.

Yeah, you're right. He's a real psychopath.

Oh, look.

She thinks her dad's a hero.

No, I'm writing it in.

Jim, Jim, I need you to focus.

You know, they've only known each other two months and they're getting married.

I think there's something rotten here.

I think you're being paranoid.

Am I?

You know she's giving him the money to buy that boat?

Wait, wait, I didn't hear about this. What's that about?

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to run a background check on Frank.

All I need is his driver's license.

What do you know about background checks?

Dana ran one on you before we got married. What?

I am totally outraged. That is an invasion of privacy.

Oh, look who's got a crush on Harry Potter.

Now, this knot is the yachtsman's favorite. It won't jam,

and it's easy to undo in a pinch.

Isn't he just a wizard with the knots?

Yeah, a real wizard.

Like your boyfriend, Harry Potter.

He's not my boyfriend!

Listen, Frank, Jim and I were thinking about getting a boat. Really? You guys

can afford a boat?

Yes.

And we were wondering, do you need some sort of special license? Oh, sure. I've

had my license for years. Oh.

Can I see it?

I mean, you know, it's kind of a hobby of mine.

I like looking at licenses.

I didn't know that about you, Jim. Oh, sure, Maggie.

My father was a laminator.

Sorry, I left it in Florida.

Oh, well.

Can I see your driver's license?

I mean, I can picture you with a captain's hat on.

It's an old laminator's trick, you know.

It's in my wallet upstairs.

You really need to see it right now?

No, no, no.

We've got nothing but time.

You know, maybe I should go start lunch. Jim, Andy, Dana, will you help me?

Now, girls, this is a sheep shank.

My daddy tied his shoes every day, but we didn't sell tickets to it.

Daddy!

My father was a laminator?

Lunch at 9 .30?

You guys can afford a boat?

What's going on?

We want to run a background check on Frank. Oh, like we did with Jim?

Dana thought you had crazy eyes. What?

You're the one who said that. Well, look at him. Am I wrong?

Right,

right. Guys, we need you to keep Mom and Frank occupied or we go upstairs and go

through Frank's wallet.

Right.

If something goes wrong and one of us doesn't make it to the other side, I

want to say, well, damn it, I love you guys. Get out of here.

Nothing doesn't add up.

Just stop it. Hurry up.

All right.

You know what? You should just relax. This is our bedroom. We can always say,

oh, my God, your mom's underwear. It's 10 o 'clock, honey. It's time for your

heart medication.

Oh, yes, I should get that. No.

I mean, I'll get it.

Don't be silly. I'll run up and grab it. No, wait, Mom.

tell stories.

I'll head up the back stairs and cut her off.

Yes,

Frank Crowley. Remember this number, B94873619.

Wait!

How am I supposed to remember that?

Jim, it's easy.

B9, like benign, 48, it's the San Francisco 49ers, minus 1, 73, Andrew was

in 73, and 619 is the area code for San Diego.

Are you wearing a bra?

What's going on here?

Well, uh, we were just, uh... Hurry!

She's coming!

Things like that. Mom, you're going to marry the guy, and we just wanted to

out a little bit about him. I thought I raised my children better than this.

Well, I have an excuse. I'm the middle child.

And I'm the baby. Cheryl made me do it.

Hugs.

Give it a rest, Sandy.

Now, take these pills down to Frank.

Not now.

Mom, I didn't really kiss a girl in college.

Me neither.

Come on, Mom, can you blame us?

I mean, you've only known Frank two months and you're buying him a boat? I

not buying it. I am lending him the money until the apartment building that

sold in Boca Raton closes escrow. Maggie, I gotta tell you, if I were to

advantage of a vulnerable widow, that's exactly how I would do it.

What? My mind wanders while I'm driving.

Mom, you know, you do hear all the time about smooth talkers taking advantage of

people like you.

Oh, you mean old and alone?

No. You know, maybe Frank and I should just leave. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,

do that. They're just worried about you. That's all. Come on, they really love

you, Maggie. We love you. Don't go.

Well, what about Frank?

Totally forgotten.

Can't we start over?

Do -over. A do -over.

Okay.

Thank you.

I know, I know. We can do a girl's night out, like an impromptu bridal shower.

Yeah! You can use my register.

Yeah, I already set one up.

But it comforts me.

Stop looking at me.

Jim, Jim, maybe you and Andy can take Frank out. A bachelor party?

Well, I mean, I'm not really, you know, a boobs and liquor kind of guy.

But, you know, if you think it would help.

You know, strip club choreography has made great strides in recent years.

Do you come here a lot?

Once or twice.

Hey, Misty.

How's your son?

If he's still having a problem with those fractions, call me.

Maybe three times.

All right, here we go. Another round. Jim, I said I'd get the next round. Oh,

no, don't be silly. This is your bachelor party. He wouldn't hear of it.

We'll settle up at the end of the night.

To Frank and Maggie.

I don't usually drink tequila.

Right now, I can't imagine why.

You know, Frank, I'm starting to like you.

Hey, Andy, how you doing?

How's the new puppy?

Oh, Mr. Patches, he is so cute.

So, who am I shaking my business at?

Right there.

I'm buying you a dance, my friend. No, no, no, I couldn't. Ah, is that what

Maggie... he says.

Hey, that's my mom. Hey, come on.

Andy, if that's an angel, you know he bought me daughter braces.

I wish I had soup here.

Why?

I don't know.

There's something about naked women and soup.

You know what I'm saying?

Not at all.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Dancing for your friend and he had a heart attack.

I think he's dead.

Starlight, you're pre -med. Let's go.

I know you saw naked girls tonight, but I'm not in the mood.

Cheryl, I need to talk to you.

We took Frank to the Oval Office.

Oh, no.

That place on Grand?

Oh, my God. He must have died.

Well, not immediately.

I mean, we, you know, had a few drinks and shot the breeze.

I bought him a lap dance and then, you know, then he died.

Frank's dead?

Yeah.

You killed Frank? No, I did not kill Frank.

What are you talking about?

You took him to a strip club and you bought him a lap dance. Honey, it was a

bachelor party. What, did you want me to take him to Color Me Mine?

We're supposed to do that kind of thing.

Oh, God.

I know.

Oh, God, my poor mom.

I know.

All right.

We're going to have to go wake her up and tell her. Yeah.

Oh, honey.

Mom, Frank was a great guy.

And he loved you so much.

Here's to Cap and Frank.

You'll fail no more, these mortal thieves.

But on God's waters.

You'll brave the winds as you stand proudly on the pointy part

of the ship.

Bow, you idiot.

Oh, sorry.

Mom, no, let me do that. No, no, I'd like to. I need to keep busy.

Mom brings her fiancé to get her blessing. What do I do?

I go through his pants and my husband kills him.

I'm such a bad hostess.

Could somebody else get that?

Come here, Cheryl. I need to talk to you.

What is it? Oh, nothing. Everything's fine.

Gosh.

Thanks.

Sorry for your loss.

From everyone at the Oval Office.

Love, Misty, Starlight, Venus Twinkle, and Blueberry Muffin.

Those guys?

Hey, what's going on?

Well, after what happened the other day, I decided to go ahead and run that

background check on Frank.

You what?

Well, when you have an inkling about something, you're usually right.

I hate that about you, but... I decided to set the record straight.

And?

Cheryl Frank was a con man.

He did time for fraud.

Get out! Oh, no, he's been scamming widows for years.

He was going to take Maggie for everything.

Oh, my God.

Hey, what about that apartment complex in Boca Raton?

I'm starting to wonder if there ever was a Boca Raton.

Where are you going?

I've got to go tell my mom.

Why? So something like this doesn't happen again.

So instead of just feeling heartbroken, she's going to feel heartbroken and

stupid?

She's my mom. I think I know what's best.

Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no. You're coming. You kill him.

I'm going to make a sandwich.

It must be more natural.

Honey, do you remember where I'd wash tissues and you'd stand on a stool next

me and be my dryer and would talk?

Yeah.

That goes by so fast.

Do you ever do that with Ruby and Gracie?

No, they whine.

Yeah, they're spoiled. They've done a terrible job with them.

Listen, uh, Mom?

Sure. What?

What is this?

Meatloaf.

Sweet.

Mom, there's something I need to tell you about Frank.

What about Frank?

Well, the thing is... Would you excuse me? Jim's never really made a sandwich

himself before.

Oh, thank God you're here. That is not meatloaf. You know, you've got to stop

putting labels on these things. Shh.

I can't do it.

You've got to whisper. You need to enunciate.

Imagine if I had acted immediately.

Please tell her.

No, no. I told you I didn't want to do it in the first place. I'm begging you.

said no.

No, I'm not going to do it. No.

I'll find the meatloaf.

I hate myself.

So, Maggie.

How's the healing process going?

Jim, Frank died last night.

So, slowly?

You know, every time I'd walk into a room, he would look up at me and he

say, you know what?

I'm really happy.

And for the first time, boy, in a long time, I felt so...

So alive.

Yeah.

Maggie, Frank was a thief.

What? Yeah. Because he stole your heart. And that's what thieves do.

They steal. But this is a good kind of stealing.

Because Frank was a good man, Mom. And that's how I'll always remember him.

Right, Jim? Isn't that what you meant?

Uh, apparently.

Thank you, honey.

You too, Jim. Oh, yeah, Maggie.

I'm going to go upstairs and pack. Okay.

I'm very proud of you. You did the right thing.

Oh, thank you.

You know, Cheryl, while I was running that background check on Frank, I also

one on you.

What?

Don't worry, don't worry.

You know, you came out perfectly clean.

Mabel.

You told me you didn't have a middle name. I hate it. Don't you ever use that

again. Your secret's fine with me.

Mabel, Mabel, set the table. Stop it. I need a jam.

Pour the drinks if you're able.