Original subtitles

Daddy, get me a glass of milk.

Oh, come on, honey. You're a big girl. Now you get your own glass of milk.

Please.

No, Gracie, I'm not your servant.

Daddy, I said please.

Now get me a glass of milk.

Gracie, I wouldn't get you a glass of milk right now if you paid me.

Want some chocolate in it?

Surprise me.

I tell you, I wouldn't kick her out of bed. Well, I know, but... What are you

doing here?

Making dinner.

Oh, we thought that you were going to be stuck at soccer practice, and so we

went out and got some pizzas and ribs for two.

Yeah, so, you know.

No, that's totally fine. My new friend Cindy is bringing the kids home. So

suddenly I had two free hours. I took a bath, I got my nails done, and look.

Lasagna.

Pizza, ribs, and lasagna. Yeah, you know, originally I was going to name my

that.

Come on, let's eat.

Oh, great. I've been meaning to test out this new belt.

Oh, boy, look at you.

Hi, girls.

Hi. How was soccer?

Good. Good?

You should have seen them. Ruby had a goal and Gracie had two assists.

Oh, yeah. And my little Allie here had the ball on the wing. You know, good was

all I wanted.

Cindy,

thank you so much for bringing them home.

Are you kidding?

Ellie and I just adore your girls. Oh, so you. Their little hands and their

little feet.

We can just eat them up. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Right,

Ellie? Uh -huh.

Where are my manners? I'm terribly sorry. I'm Cindy Devlin. You must be

yes.

Don't get up. I wasn't going to.

My husband, Tim. Oh, my gosh. The two of you together would be like Robin

Williams and Billy Crystal. That would just kill me.

We're never going to have to do it then.

Hi.

I'm Cheryl's brother, Andy.

Hi.

You're having pizza.

You're going to want to sop up that grease.

around to see that 50th birthday?

Honey, look at me.

40's a long shot.

No, Jim, remember, rib and bib rhyme for a reason.

Oh.

There we go. Oh, thank you.

Cindy, we were just sitting down to have a family dinner with, you know, just

the family.

Oh, my God.

Earth to Cindy.

Obvious calling, no answer.

Come on, honey.

Okay, well, toodaloo then.

Uh -huh. Oh, Cindy, thank you so much. Oh, yeah.

What's that?

What? She's nice.

Nice? She took our grease. What kind of person does that?

Well, I like her and you're just going to have to give her a chance.

Cheryl, the woman put a bib on me. I'm like, I'm some kind of... Oh, crap.

My feet are cold.

Repeat after me.

Mes pieds sont froids.

French. Hey. Hey.

Bonjour,

monsieur.

Let me guess. Cindy's got the kids again.

Yeah. Today, I'm learning French and making a stained glass window for the

room.

Is that Hitler?

No. It's Charlie Chaplin. Wait. Look.

Here's his hat.

Oh, yeah. That's cute. Yeah. And it won't give the kids nightmares. Yeah.

What's with all the flowers?

Oh. Oh, my God, it's your birthday, isn't it?

No.

Our anniversary?

No.

Did you have surgery?

Cindy dropped them by this morning. Her husband grows them. Oh.

Hey, Jim, why don't you lie down on the couch so we can pretend it's your

funeral? Oh.

Oh, no, we can't. There's too many people here.

You know, we got to get rid of that woman.

And Cindy, too.

Oh, she is not your friend, Cheryl.

You're just using her to take Ruby and Gracie off your hands so you have more

time to do stained glass Hitlers.

See?

It is Charlie Chaplin, and I happen to like her.

Oh, please, Cheryl.

What are we having for lunch?

Denial salad?

You know what it is? You know what it is? Cindy and I are nice people. Oh,

You happen to like other nice people. Think of it as a club you can't get

The nice club.

famous shepherd's pie.

Yeah, your little munchkins went crazy for it last night.

Oh, did you? That's so sweet.

What a friendly thing for one nice person to do for another.

Oh, hi.

Hi, how are you? It must be Dana.

Oh, I'm Cindy Devlin. Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.

Oh, well, thanks.

Where did you get those cute hair sticks?

Oh, at the mall. It's a place called Things and Stuff. Do you still have...

a gift for someone else.

If the girls' room were a little more cheery, then maybe Gracie wouldn't be so

dot, dot, dot.

What? Well, so moody.

Moody?

Okay, you're right. I hate her.

Sounds like there's some trouble in the...

stuff on your face.

Oh. Well, let me wipe it off with one of my $500 bills.

All right, I got some nachos. Oh, thank you, my good man.

A little something for your trouble. Ooh!

Back in the game!

I'm responsible for all the flowers.

How do you do?

Hey. I guess you could say I'm all thumbs. All green thumbs, huh?

ready for bed. Thank you. Just gonna fly upstairs with my big ears.

Dana. True story.

I dated a fella in college who was crazy about big ears.

And you're looking at him.

I love you. Love you more.

Don't you dare kiss me.

Too late.

Don't you dare kiss me back.

Don't you dare dare me. I double dog dare ya. Uh -oh, that was fighting

Okay.

for stopping by so unexpectedly.

So, was there anything you needed?

Because I dare you to go.

Jim, I wanted to invite you down to the Morton Arboretum this Saturday.

I'm a tree buddy down there.

You tell people that?

You were right, Cindy. Hey, get me a needle and thread because my sides are

splitting.

So what do you say?

Because Cindy will tell you it's very relaxing after a long week of work. And

believe you me, owning a hot tub store can get you pretty steamed.

Tim's got that on his business cards. Yes, I do.

You own a hot tub store?

Is this thing on?

Are you looking to buy?

I'm offering a Tree Buddy discount of 80 % off all last year's floor models.

That's true. That's good, too.

Let's do it! Yeah! All right, let's do it. Yeah! Okay, so we'll hit the

Arboretum. Okay. And we'll swing by my store, and I'll get you a great deal on

bubbler. Oh, Jim, now don't let him bully you into buying anything.

Hey, what are Tree Buddies for?

Yay!

Okay, guess it's a dealio.

you dare kiss me once we get in that car.

Oh, I won't.

Fingers crossed.

What? What? So now you're a tree buddy?

You're more two -faced than I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but both my faces are going

to be soaking in the hot tub, baby.

Who's your tree buddy?

Oh, baby, you are.

Yeah!

Hey. Look.

You old glasses. Oh, baby, look at us. We're living like a Rockefeller.

Grab me a popsicle. Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Come on to this hot tub. Okay. Come on. Let's take this off.

Jim! Jim!

Jim! That's me!

Oh. Uh, what?

What are you doing here?

He is not going to sell you a hot tub. He wouldn't relax in himself.

And I'm here to tell you this old boat passes muster, mister.

See what he did there?

Oh, no.

Hey,

congratulations, guys.

Now, don't you dare hug me.

Well,

I'll tell you one thing.

That guy Tim has no issues with his body.

I do.

I couldn't even eat my popsicle.

The Devlins are coming! The Devlins! All right, close the curtains. Everybody in

the basement. Okay, okay, okay. Where's the kids?

Upstairs. Okay, I'll get them. Okay. Hang on!

What? Our cars are up front. They'll know we're here.

Okay, all right. From now on, everybody park at least two blocks away.

I'm not going to live this way. Not in my house and not in my America.

Who's with me?

Now there goes France and Germany.

What? They're coming. What are we going to do? We're going to get rid of them.

That's what we're going to do. All right, we'll split them up, all right?

I'll take Tim in the kitchen, talk to him. You talk to her out here, all

But listen, you've got to make sure she gets the message, all right? No wiggle

room. You be as mean as you have to be.

I can't be mean. I'm too nice.

Come on, have you learned nothing being married to me all these years?

I know, I know. I should have been paying better attention, but I was so

doing damage control.

Listen, this is serious. We've got to get rid of these people.

You're right. You're right, Jim. Teach me. Teach me. Teach me how to be the big

jerk that you are.

Oh, honey, thank you.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, this is what you do. Think of it like this. When you go to the mall and

you take all your clothes into the dressing room and you try them on and

only buy the ones that look good, the devil ones make your ass look fat.

There should be room on the lower shelf right next to the meatballs.

Cindy, you think this guy doesn't know the inside of his own refrigerator?

Tim one, Jim zero.

So, what do you say, Tim, you and I go in the kitchen and crack open a couple

beers? Sounds good. Hey, let's drink them in the hot tub.

I think you and Tim are really positive, outgoing people.

But it's hard for me to say. Oh, you don't have to say it. We like you, too.

Oh, well.

Okay, little thing. Can we stay with you guys for a week? What?

We need to have our place tented.

Termite problem.

Munch, munch, munch.

I mean, I know you're going to say yes, but I still felt like I needed to ask. I

don't know. It's just the way it was. Okay, stop talking.

Cindy, why don't you sit down? Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Here's the dealio.

my pants back on?

I'd be fine with that.

You know what? We've had some good times, haven't we, Tim? Great times.

Well, those times are over now.

Are you kidding? You just wait till fall.

Those Sunday afternoons at Soldier Field are going to knock your socks off.

I got to tell you, you and Sidney have been driving us just... Did you say

Soldier Field?

Sure did, my brother from another mother.

I have four season tickets on the 50 -yard line. They've been in my family

years.

50 -yard line?

You, me, Cindy, and Cheryl.

You know, the fearsome foursome.

Cheryl!

Cheryl! Cheryl!

Cheryl! What did you do to Cindy?

Cindy, can I let you in on a little family secret?

Yes.

Cheryl has a disorder.

What?

And I just found out that she hasn't been taking her meds.

What are you talking about?

See the mood swings right there?

Very, very dangerous.

So you just consider whatever favor you want. It is done.

Oh, thank you, Jim.

where Gracie gets it.

Gracie is not... Stop talking, you'll swallow your tongue.

Don't you two worry. We are not the kind of people that turn and run when their

friends' lives go into the crapper. No.

If you can hear me in there, I'm going to kill you. What was that about?

Oh, Cheryl, did you realize they have season tickets on the 50 -yard line?

You sold me out for football tickets? Did you think I'm a lunatic?

No, you heard her. She loved you in spite of your problem.

You know what? They really are good people. I see that now.

So,

where are we bunking down?

Bunking down?

Yeah, Joe.

Yes? Yeah, well, they're going to be staying with us for a week. Isn't that

great?

Hey, why don't you guys take our room?

Oh, no, we couldn't. Oh, and sis, it's the biggest, most comfortable bed in the

house. Well, I only say no.

The doctor thinks I need to take it easy for a while, so I'm going to go to my

sister Dana's for a few days.

Oh.

Oh. So is this going to be me, Tim, Jim, Bubble Bubble Gumdrops, and Ned?

Well, yeah, and the kids.

Oh.

Don't you worry. Don't you worry, because we're not going to let this fake

bear out of our sight.

Oh, thanks so much.

Oh.

Give me Bubble Bubble Gumdrops. Cheryl.

Cheryl. Yeah? Cheryl, you can't do this to me.

Okay, me too.

see that now?

Hey, listen, I'll send for my things.

Au revoir, monsieur.