Original subtitles

Honey, use the one upstairs.

Greasy's in there.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Well, you're gonna have to wait.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Ruby.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Quiet. I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Fine, fine, fine.

You know who's gonna love this story?

Your prom date.

Not right now. I'm in the middle of a turf war.

Are you having a snowball fight with the Flynn kids again?

Yeah. They wanted five bucks a piece to shovel the driveway. When I refused,

they attacked me.

Then who shoveled the driveway?

They did.

Jim, you stiffed them?

Stiffed them.

Or taught them a valuable life lesson.

Actually, Flynn had me pinned down, so I rolled into a ball for protection.

That's how the armadillos do it.

Oh, man.

I'm wet.

Hello?

Oh, yes, hi.

Hey, you know what hit the spot right about now?

Steamy mug of hot chocolate.

Marshmallows, whipped cream, love ya.

Yeah, well, we're out of hot chocolate.

Oh, okay.

On a day like this, Mom always had some ready, but you're not Mom, are you?

Wait, you know what?

I think we do have hot chocolate.

Really? No.

You are Mom.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Hi, who was that?

Oh, nobody.

I just beat out four other contractors for a big job.

Oh, that's bad.

The client is Daryl Bachner. I went to school with him.

So that's why I'm a little hesitant about getting in bed with him.

Honey, that's an industry term for, you know, working together.

I mean, I don't really want to, you know, sleep with a guy.

Oh, darn.

I thought I'd finally be able to cross that off my fantasy list.

No, Daryl was one of those guys that always had everything, you know?

He was cool. He had the coolest car. He was really popular.

You know the type.

Hell, you were the type.

Yeah, I was. Yeah, you were.

All right, he wants us to go out to dinner with him tomorrow night.

I guess I can find a way to cancel.

Honey, he said this was a big job. We should go.

I don't know, honey. It's just going to be one giant infomercial about him and

his accomplishments.

Well, and I'll be right next to you talking about your accomplishments.

Hey, and I'll look resplendent.

But... That's a good thing.

Okay. All right, we'll do it. Oh, boy, it sure feels good to get out of those

wet clothes.

Andy, you know you don't live here, right?

That's why I have the towel on.

I would have given them the $250 ,000 even if they hadn't named the stadium

after me.

You know, they named the sandwich after Jim at the lunch wagon.

Really?

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not really... It's more of a melt than a sandwich.

But if you like fried bologna and sauerkraut, then the big Jim is your

Buckner.

Konnichiwa. Would you excuse me? I have to take this. It's my broker in Japan.

The big gym?

Well, honey, you're so proud of it. Honey, I am proud that Kyle did a boom

in a big boy toilet, but I didn't bring any pictures.

Who are you calling?

Andy. Andy.

Will you do me a favor and call me right back?

Why? What movie?

Oh. Bruce Willis is a ghost and he doesn't know it.

Sorry about that.

It's all right. I am getting way too global. Oh, I know the feeling.

Hey, I'm on a toast.

Sure. To our upcoming collaboration.

My work on my new home turned out to be stunning. That's your wife. Oh, great.

Thank you.

That never stops.

Hello.

Oh, yes, councilman.

A como stay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a busy man.

Oh, yeah.

You know, Jim was telling me that you two have been married for eight years.

Eleven and a half, yeah.

That's great.

I'm divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no, you gave me a great reason to move back home. Oh,

well.

Do you know of a decent place to buy a suit around here?

Oh, yeah, Kispy's on Oak. Is that where Jim goes?

Oh, just once. He got in a fight.

Yeah, no one had ever measured his inseam before.

You know, I'm really not good at picking out clothes.

Yeah. Hey, you want to come with me?

I'll buy you some dinner, and we can make a night out of it.

Oh, okay.

Well, we'll have to pick a night when Jim's free, but that'd be fun.

No, I was thinking it would just be the two of us. You know, you and I.

Just me?

Oh,

I don't think my husband would like that very much.

Well, you don't tell him.

Oh, no, no, no, Councilman. Honestly, that's why I'm here.

Okay, via condote.

Truth or dare? Truth.

Ever eat a booger?

Yes. Ew!

Ew!

Aunt Dana, truth or dare?

Truth. Who's your boyfriend?

Well, this guy named Steve.

But he's not really my boyfriend.

He should be, though. We've gone out enough times. But I guess the word

boyfriend is too stifling for Steve. What is it with men and commitment?

Just say dare next time.

Dumbo shrimp.

Yay!

Now remember, those are for eating. I don't want you dressing them up this

I'm going to meet somebody and be happy, right?

Dana, I told you, just say dare next time.

You look upset. What's the matter?

All right.

I'm going to tell you something, but I need you to promise not to tell Jim.

But Cheryl, Jim is my brother -in -law. I can't keep secrets from him. I love

him. Can you imagine?

All right, listen.

Tonight at dinner, Jim's client hit on me.

What? Jim got up from the table and he asked me out.

Oh, my God.

Why did it have to look so resplendent?

But you know what? Maybe I'll never see him again and then I can just pretend it

never happened.

So you're not going to tell Jim?

No. He'll get all jealous and crazy and do something stupid.

Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't tell him. Okay, good. I mean, you don't

usually tell him when men hit on you, right?

Oh, come on.

You make it sound like it happens all the time.

Well... It does.

What about the deli guy at Dominic's Grocery?

Elliot? Yeah. He's in college. He doesn't even count.

He does have great arms, though. Oh, please. What, am I blind?

Jim?

Honey, are you awake?

Jim?

I need to talk.

Sure. Why not?

The guy with the job doesn't need to sleep.

What do you want to talk about?

I don't know. Did you have fun at dinner tonight?

Fun? Yeah.

Well, it was fun, but... I mean, Bachner's Bachner. What am I going to

It's just a job. I'll just learn to deal with it.

Oh, by the way, he's coming over tomorrow to prove some plans.

What?

Bachner's coming here? Yeah.

Don't worry, you don't have to do anything special. Just some chips and

vacuum and dust. You know, the usual drill.

What?

Okay, honey.

I didn't want to have to tell you this, but, um... Tonight at dinner, when you

got up to use the phone... Right.

Buckner hit on me.

I totally handled it. It's fine. Nothing happened. I just... I thought if he was

going to come over here, then you should know.

Honey, come on. Say something.

Yes!

My house, my house, my house. Who's house, who's house, who's house? My

my house. I win.

I win.

All right.

Well, I'm off to make more of what fuels this dream we live.

You mean the one where my sister marries beneath her and I have to tolerate the

guy?

You know, Dean, I'm running a little late, so I'm going to call you from the

with a cutting remark, all right?

Hey, remember, a boxer's coming. I know.

What are you going to wear?

I don't know, Jim.

Why don't you get yourself something sexy?

Jim, this is $20.

Yeah, I also need some socks.

All right, girls, Mama wants to talk to Aunt Dana. Go into the living room and

watch TV.

How about not to miss our breakfast?

Take it with you.

But we're not allowed to eat in front of the TV.

Eat in front of the piano. Go.

So I guess you didn't tell Jim that Wagner hit on you last night. Oh, I did.

did. He jumped up and down, pumped his fist, and did that thing with his

Oh, God, the eighth victory dance.

He's just so excited that Wagner wants something he has. Me.

Okay, can I just make this about me for a second, please? Yeah, go ahead. You

are already married, and now a millionaire wants you, too?

Okay, back to you.

I mean, I don't expect Jim to beat him up, but couldn't he just hate his guts

for a few minutes?

So what are you going to do when he gets here?

Nothing. Only for a couple hours. I don't want to blow this job for Jim.

Hello. Oh, hey, Jim.

Yeah, you got a good one?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, but I'm not Chinese, so that doesn't make sense.

Okay, call me back.

So what I'm looking for in the media room is some kind of feared feeding.

you'd have to hold 15 people. 15? Okay.

And over here in the domed observatory, what I really... Oh, I can't stand it.

This house is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, isn't it, Jim?

Well, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen is my wife, but... This is okay.

Okay?

Look at this. The master bedroom alone is bigger than this whole house. Well,

what good is all that space if you don't have somebody to share it with?

Am I right?

I'll move in.

Yeah.

I'm an excellent gardener, and let's face it, Jim's company's going nowhere.

Yeah, Danny's blood sugar's getting low. Snack us up.

You know what? I bet she's going to come in here all dressed up. Oh, boy.

I wonder what kind of provocative ensemble she put together for tonight.

Swaps?

How about that, huh?

Leaving every curve a mystery.

You're a lucky man, Jim. So, to be fair to say, you wish you were me?

What? Thank you.

Hey, Cheryl, wait a minute.

Take that thing out of your hair and, you know...

Shake your head and do that smile like you do. I don't want to. Oh, no, come

honey. You've got to do it. Oh, you've got to see this. You've got to see it.

looks like a shampoo commercial. It just lights up the room. No, come on, do it,

honey. What are you doing? No, like this.

I'm hot.

I'm hot.

I'm flipping my hair and I'm looking sexy and I know it. I'm hot. I'm hot.

Jim.

I don't want to do it. Would you let it go?

There ain't no taming that, Philly, huh?

So as your gardener, what's your policy on nudity in the hot tub?

Cheryl, what's going on? Come on. Do that thing with your hair.

I don't talk like that. Oh, yes, you do.

Oh, you don't even have me down. You know, after eight years of marriage.

in tight leather pants and I paraded you around a PTA meeting.

What, I have to stay for the whole meeting?

That's not the point.

The point is that Buckner hit on me and you don't even care.

Come on, what do you want me to do, honey? I want you to be jealous.

I want it to make you crazy.

No, I'm not going to be jealous because I'm not jealous. You don't have to be

happy that Buckner wants me.

But I am.

Honey, remember that car I told you you had? He had a...

Beautiful, beautiful Trans Am. And he would drive it around that town like he

owned the world. And you know what?

He did.

And now it's my turn, baby. I'm in the driver's seat.

Are you listening to yourself?

Now you're comparing me to a car.

Oh, honey, you're not a car. You're a person.

You're a loving, caring, lovely person. And persons always beat out stuff.

Congratulations, Jim. Congratulations, you won. Do you want me to get you a

trophy? Honey, you're the only trophy I need.

What?

What? I keep saying nice stuff and you keep walking away.

I don't get it.

If Bruce Willis is a ghost, how can the kids see him?

Well, it's because he has six percent.

Where'd that come from?

The title.

Whoa.

Oh, thank God.

Hey.

Is everything all right?

No.

No, not really.

Look, I need to say something here, and this may cost me the job, but I know you

hit on Cheryl last night.

What?

No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.

Oh.

I see.

It's a little early in the day for the twins to be dancing, but my,

how they do love the dance.

Andy, Andy, Andy, put the twins away for a little bit. Go outside. I need a

minute with them.

Fine.

Patience, boys.

Your day will come.

Come on.

Cheryl told me all about it.

All right. You know, I did.

You know, maybe I should go.

Jim, look, I'm sorry. You know, it was stupid, and I was out of line.

Well, you came on to my wife, which, by any rule, you know,

isn't good.

But I also treat her like a thing.

That's up.

Apparently even worse.

Cheryl's not a thing.

I mean, she's... She's everything.

She's listening at the top of the stairs.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, man, I am steaming mad!

That's pretty good. Thank you.

You want to take a swing at me? Yeah, maybe I should.

And you take this back to Studville.

Hey,

you really punched me.

Don't ever hit on my wife again.

See you Monday?

Yeah.

Nine -ish.

So I'll draw up those plans and talk to you Monday, huh?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Hey, did someone drop a dollar on the sidewalk there?

How much of that did you hear?

The sincere part.

And the part for my benefit.

You know, Cheryl, I dated a lot of women before I met you.

I mean, a lot of women.

Conservative estimates, I'd say... What's your point, Jim?

You and I got this really good thing going.

Yeah.

And I'm not going anywhere.

And you're not going anywhere.

But I want you to know if there was ever a moment that I thought that you wanted

somebody else, I wouldn't just be jolly.

I'd be shattered.

Oh, honey, come on. No, I would.

That's never, ever going to happen. But you see, understand,

I know that.

That's why it doesn't bother me that guys flirt with you all the time.

I mean, like the guy who works at the deli at the grocer.

That doesn't bother me.

Who?

A college kid with the great arms.

College kid, great arms, isn't... Oh, the girl with the great arms.

I'll see you Monday.

Monday.

Jim said it.

Oh, well, isn't that so sweet?

Will you enjoy your meal?

What are you doing setting my sister up for that creep?

You see, it's perfect.

Dana needs a man and Buckner needs to be punished.