Original subtitles

The reigning 2002 Wiffle Golf champion lines up his shot.

With the wins today, the hole should play left to right.

All right, I'm thinking about using a four iron, maybe a five. What do you

think, Ruby?

I don't know.

I'm five.

Good pick.

Ruby, you're fired.

Yay!

The champ addresses the ball.

I think he's going to be very happy with that.

All right, we're going to the mall. You coming?

Uh, yeah, I'm not going to be doing that.

Well, if that's right, you're cleaning out the garage today.

Yeah, I'm not going to be doing that either.

How will I even ask anymore?

I don't even know why you get out of bed anymore.

All right, kiss goodbye.

Honey, honey, I got a birdie coming up. I'll get you in the back of the car.

This for 13 under par.

And the lead.

Kyle, take note here.

You're going to be caddying next year.

Ooh.

I like this better than real golf. Half the walking, twice the beer.

Care to join me in the clubhouse?

Dana, think about what you're saying. You want to have all three of my kids

a sleepover? Oh, sure, I'll be fine. I hired a nanny for the night.

What? Well, yeah, I can't bond with them if I'm busy feeding them and giving

them baths.

You really got that maternal instinct thing down.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

I said I'd give you a nice break.

Yeah, you want to give me a break? Take Jim for the night.

Yeah, like I want to have him on my new rug.

Oh, my God!

Gerald, no!

Okay, yeah.

Oh, look at you. You can't drive. All right, you do it. I can't drive.

I'll just call Jim. No, no, no.

You can't call Jim. He'll freak out.

But Cheryl, we have to do something.

No, no, no.

We're just going to sit here until we calm down.

cushion to blow.

What's wrong with you?

What? I'm fine. No, no, no, no, no.

Ever since you came back from the mall, you've been acting a little weird. No.

Come on.

Oh, wait a second. I know what's going on here.

Did Mommy spend a little too much of Daddy's money?

You want a little knee with that elbow, Jim? Oh!

You must have spent a lot, didn't you? Was it more than 20?

No. You can let it go.

Come on, Cheryl. I work hard for my money. I want to know what you...

I got robbed. I got mugged.

What?

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Why the hell didn't you tell me? What happened?

I was just walking in my car and this guy ran up behind me and he grabbed my

purse. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What did the security guard do? What did the police say? I didn't call the

police because I got my purse back. How?

Well, I...

I kind of chased after the guy, and I tackled him, and I got it back. I'm

to brush my teeth.

What? Were you crazy?

Well, I wasn't thinking. You could have gotten killed.

The adrenaline just sort of took me. Sure, sure. What if he fought back? What

he had a gun?

He didn't. Yeah, well, he could have. And you know what? You could be in the

hospital right now, or worse, you'd be in the morgue. Will you calm down? I am

not going to calm down. You talk about being a responsible parent all the time.

You're supposed to be the smart one out of the two of us.

Did you see why I didn't tell you? I knew you'd overreact. I am not

overreacting. What are you doing? I'm going to go kick some ass.

Jim, you don't even know what he looks like. It doesn't matter, Cheryl. Who

cares? It's after midnight. The streets are full of scum.

Would you calm down? You're not going anywhere.

Oh, yeah? From now on, neither are you.

Unless I'm right by your side. You go right, I go right. You go left, I go

You go squiggly, I go squiggly.

I get it. It's insane.

What are you going to do, follow me around for the rest of my life? If I

to, yes.

No, no, honey, you're not.

You're not.

No. You're going to go to work tomorrow, and I'm going to do my stuff just like

any other day.

Come on, sweetie. Let's go to bed. Oh, please, Cheryl.

Do you think you're getting sex after this?

I was talking about sleeping.

I can't sleep now. I can't sleep now. Come on, Nick. Look, I made a mistake.

I did.

It will never happen again, okay?

The important thing is I'm fine. And I am.

So come on.

Get a good night's sleep. It won't look so bad in the morning.

Come on. All right.

But I am not done talking about this. Okay.

Oh, Cheryl.

I'm sorry. You've been through a lot today.

I just think it's cruel to deny you sex.

Looks like the streets are a little bit safer now, huh?

What do you say to that, dirtbag?

Ma 'am, you left your credit card at the register.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Jerk. Hey, you should be running around in parking lots.

Talk about being in the right place at the right time, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, right there.

Man, I didn't realize how sore I'd gotten tackling that mugger. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. My turn.

I don't feel like it.

Hey, I massage your back, you massage mine. That was the agreement.

Yeah, I'm not going to honor it.

Oh, honey.

Oh, I am so glad you're home. What? Hey, I stubbed my toe on the fridge earlier.

Would you knock it down and beat it senseless for me?

Very funny.

Very funny.

I thought we talked about this. I overreacted, and I'm fine now.

Andy, thanks for watching the show. Your shift is over.

No problem, buddy.

I'd like to get that ten bucks you promised. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to

that. You know, you two are perfect for each other.

Sit down.

Sit down, honey.

All right, I've been thinking, and you know what?

I know that I cannot follow you around all day. And even if I could, that would

be wrong.

I know that now. I understand that.

Thanks to a phone call from the attorney to the guy I tackled.

I'm very proud of you. It looks like you really thought this through. Yes, I

did. And you know what?

I found a way to make peace with it. Really?

Yes, Cheryl.

Meet your new bodyguards, Gunter and Fritz.

Very gentle.

But you're going to have to learn German. What?

German shepherds, their native tongue.

Here, I got a cheat sheet.

Hey, guess what, girls? Your sleepover at Aunt Dana's going to start a little

early. Hey, take him to a movie. Okay.

I want to see Candy Pony's Rainbow Land.

Oh, you know what? I saw that last night.

But we could go shoe shopping. Come on.

She's lying.

You know what?

I'm going to head out, too.

I'll introduce myself later when my pants are meat -free.

Hey, they're cute, huh?

What?

I want these monsters out of my house. Cheryl, just try

for 24 hours. If you haven't bonded with them by then, I'll get rid of them.

Jim. Come on, there's a better deal than I got with Andy and Dana.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Hey, were you bonding with the boys?

No, it's creepy. I feel like a prisoner.

Does that make you hot? No.

You know what?

You're going to sleep better tonight than you have in years.

Not that sleeping is on the itinerary for this evening.

What's that?

Cheryl, we've been married for 11 years. If you don't know by now...

care of this household, to protect you, protect the family.

I am Homeland Security.

Okay, I'm going to get Gunter, and I'm going to leave Fritz for you.

All right.

Attack command, attack command.

Do you not know the attack command?

Yes, yes. Okay, here.

Got it? Got it?

Don't forget it. Stay here. Stay right here.

Fritz, could you watch my wife, please?

Roger Ebert.

What's he like?

Okay.

Can I leave that window open?

You know, you live in this country now. You should learn the language.

Yes I did.

instantly turn into teddy bears do it

it's upstairs on the list in the bedroom isn't it

Think they're gone?

No, Cheryl.

We gave them the attack command.

Their only mission in life is to tear us apart.

Would you check?

mall with you that day. We wouldn't be here right now.

What happened?

It's over. Can you let it go?

How can you be so okay about this? I'm not. I'm terrified.

I'm terrified, Jim. I have to go to that mall all the time and I'm scared every

time I pull into the parking garage.

What am I going to do? Not go to the mall?

Yes. Not going to happen.

Jim, come on.

I got to go on with my life and so do you.

Tell me.

That's the first time that I actually considered the possibility that... What?

That you could die before me.

Oh, honey.

I mean, you know what? I mean, if something ever happened to you, honey, I

start crying. I could never stop.

I mean, you know what? I didn't even kiss you that day. You know that? That

could have been the last time I saw you.

Oh, honey. I know. I know.

I think about that stuff, too, and sometimes it really freaks me out.

But you know what, sweetie? We just can't dwell on it.

Really, we need to enjoy the time we have here together.

Okay?

You just kissed me on the toilet.

He said you would never do that.

Special circumstances.

What would happen if suddenly I was out of the picture? What would you do? How

would you support yourself? Living trust.

Well, that's good. You're prepared.

How long would you wait?

Andrew.

My yoga instructor.

He's gay.

He's still not gay!

Cheryl, if you want to continue going to that yoga class, he's gay.

How about you?

Must have somebody picked out.

Well, I don't dwell on it, but... I think it would have to be Melissa Stark

Monday Night Football.

Or that girl with the big knockers at the buying bag.

Please! Those are so fake!

They're not fake! Jim, if you want to keep going to the buying bag, they're

fake. Okay, they're fake.

So, here we are.

I can't follow you.

Gotta get rid of the dogs, and you insist on leaving the house.

What am I supposed to do?

Same thing I do every time you bite into a chili dog.

Look the other way and hope for the best.

Yeah, you should really give those things up, and I know I'm not gonna.

Gracie, she does this all the time. She takes one bite and she throws it away.

No, honey, don't eat that.

No, no, honey.

You're getting us out of here.

What? Remember this allergy medicine that you took? Yeah.

Remember how it knocked you out for half a day? Yeah.

You do the same thing to the dogs.

Oh. Oh, honey, is that much okay for them?

Honey, they are trying to kill us. I think I'm being nice.

Okay, don't worry about it. It's just going to knock them out.

They won't die.

Okay, careful.

Okay.

It'll take about 15 minutes for it to kick in.

We got 15 minutes. I know.

What do we do with the other 10?

This is Harry Carey. Holy cow, Stoney. Saturday afternoon, Wrigley

Field. Got a couple of fans in the crowd doing the wave.

this kid from the wheat fields of Illinois could give the Cubs their first

Series championship in 95 years.

Outside toy!

Outside toy!

All right.

We're going to the mall to replace the vase that Gracie broke at Aunt Dana's.

I know.

I hope they didn't keep you up all night. Oh, are you kidding? It was the

nanny's problem. I was in bed by nine.

Oh, Cheryl, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute before you go.

Here. Emergency whistle.

Put it in your pocket.

Pepper spray.

Spray them right in the eyes.

Here, here. Nail gun.

Jim.

Come on, honey. Will you just take it with you? I want you to be safe. I'm not

bringing a nail gun.

All right, I'll keep it for myself.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

What? I forgot the most important thing.

If this goes on much longer, can I have the nail gun?

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Bye.

Bye.

The count remains full as lover boy digs into the play.

Let's hope his mind is back on the game and off the kissy kissy.

Cubs win! Yes, Cubs!

Thank

you,

Uncle Andy.

We love you.

Oh, I love you too, girls. Okay, time's up. Uncle Andy's turn.

Thank you. At least there's one other decent person around here.

Can you do me first? Sure, no problem.