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The reigning 2002 Wiffle Golf champion
lines up his shot.
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With the wins today, the hole should
play left to right.
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All right, I'm thinking about using a
four iron, maybe a five. What do you
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00:00:13,650 --> 00:00:14,649
think, Ruby?
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I don't know.
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I'm five.
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Good pick.
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Ruby, you're fired.
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Yay!
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The champ addresses the ball.
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I think he's going to be very happy with
that.
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All right, we're going to the mall. You
coming?
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00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:40,340
Uh, yeah, I'm not going to be doing
that.
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00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,020
Well, if that's right, you're cleaning
out the garage today.
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Yeah, I'm not going to be doing that
either.
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How will I even ask anymore?
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I don't even know why you get out of bed
anymore.
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All right, kiss goodbye.
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00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:56,040
Honey, honey, I got a birdie coming up.
I'll get you in the back of the car.
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This for 13 under par.
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And the lead.
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Kyle, take note here.
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You're going to be caddying next year.
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Ooh.
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I like this better than real golf. Half
the walking, twice the beer.
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Care to join me in the clubhouse?
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Dana, think about what you're saying.
You want to have all three of my kids
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a sleepover? Oh, sure, I'll be fine. I
hired a nanny for the night.
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What? Well, yeah, I can't bond with them
if I'm busy feeding them and giving
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them baths.
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You really got that maternal instinct
thing down.
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Yeah, I do, don't I?
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I said I'd give you a nice break.
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Yeah, you want to give me a break? Take
Jim for the night.
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Yeah, like I want to have him on my new
rug.
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Oh, my God!
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Gerald, no!
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Okay, yeah.
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Oh, look at you. You can't drive. All
right, you do it. I can't drive.
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I'll just call Jim. No, no, no.
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You can't call Jim. He'll freak out.
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But Cheryl, we have to do something.
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No, no, no.
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We're just going to sit here until we
calm down.
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cushion to blow.
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What's wrong with you?
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What? I'm fine. No, no, no, no, no.
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Ever since you came back from the mall,
you've been acting a little weird. No.
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Come on.
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Oh, wait a second. I know what's going
on here.
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Did Mommy spend a little too much of
Daddy's money?
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You want a little knee with that elbow,
Jim? Oh!
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You must have spent a lot, didn't you?
Was it more than 20?
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No. You can let it go.
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Come on, Cheryl. I work hard for my
money. I want to know what you...
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I got robbed. I got mugged.
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What?
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Are you all right?
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I'm fine. I'm fine.
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Why the hell didn't you tell me? What
happened?
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I was just walking in my car and this
guy ran up behind me and he grabbed my
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purse. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my
God.
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What did the security guard do? What did
the police say? I didn't call the
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police because I got my purse back. How?
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Well, I...
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I kind of chased after the guy, and I
tackled him, and I got it back. I'm
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to brush my teeth.
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What? Were you crazy?
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Well, I wasn't thinking. You could have
gotten killed.
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The adrenaline just sort of took me.
Sure, sure. What if he fought back? What
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he had a gun?
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He didn't. Yeah, well, he could have.
And you know what? You could be in the
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hospital right now, or worse, you'd be
in the morgue. Will you calm down? I am
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not going to calm down. You talk about
being a responsible parent all the time.
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You're supposed to be the smart one out
of the two of us.
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Did you see why I didn't tell you? I
knew you'd overreact. I am not
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overreacting. What are you doing? I'm
going to go kick some ass.
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Jim, you don't even know what he looks
like. It doesn't matter, Cheryl. Who
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cares? It's after midnight. The streets
are full of scum.
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Would you calm down? You're not going
anywhere.
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00:05:17,020 --> 00:05:19,040
Oh, yeah? From now on, neither are you.
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Unless I'm right by your side. You go
right, I go right. You go left, I go
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You go squiggly, I go squiggly.
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I get it. It's insane.
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What are you going to do, follow me
around for the rest of my life? If I
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to, yes.
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00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:32,930
No, no, honey, you're not.
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You're not.
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No. You're going to go to work tomorrow,
and I'm going to do my stuff just like
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any other day.
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Come on, sweetie. Let's go to bed. Oh,
please, Cheryl.
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Do you think you're getting sex after
this?
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I was talking about sleeping.
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I can't sleep now. I can't sleep now.
Come on, Nick. Look, I made a mistake.
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I did.
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It will never happen again, okay?
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The important thing is I'm fine. And I
am.
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So come on.
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Get a good night's sleep. It won't look
so bad in the morning.
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Come on. All right.
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But I am not done talking about this.
Okay.
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Oh, Cheryl.
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I'm sorry. You've been through a lot
today.
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I just think it's cruel to deny you sex.
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Looks like the streets are a little bit
safer now, huh?
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What do you say to that, dirtbag?
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Ma 'am, you left your credit card at the
register.
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Thank you.
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Thanks.
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Jerk. Hey, you should be running around
in parking lots.
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Talk about being in the right place at
the right time, huh?
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Oh, yeah. Oh, right there.
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Man, I didn't realize how sore I'd
gotten tackling that mugger. Yeah, yeah,
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yeah. My turn.
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I don't feel like it.
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Hey, I massage your back, you massage
mine. That was the agreement.
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Yeah, I'm not going to honor it.
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Oh, honey.
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Oh, I am so glad you're home. What? Hey,
I stubbed my toe on the fridge earlier.
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Would you knock it down and beat it
senseless for me?
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Very funny.
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Very funny.
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I thought we talked about this. I
overreacted, and I'm fine now.
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Andy, thanks for watching the show. Your
shift is over.
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No problem, buddy.
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I'd like to get that ten bucks you
promised. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to
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that. You know, you two are perfect for
each other.
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Sit down.
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Sit down, honey.
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All right, I've been thinking, and you
know what?
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I know that I cannot follow you around
all day. And even if I could, that would
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be wrong.
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I know that now. I understand that.
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Thanks to a phone call from the attorney
to the guy I tackled.
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I'm very proud of you. It looks like you
really thought this through. Yes, I
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did. And you know what?
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I found a way to make peace with it.
Really?
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Yes, Cheryl.
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Meet your new bodyguards, Gunter and
Fritz.
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Very gentle.
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But you're going to have to learn
German. What?
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German shepherds, their native tongue.
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Here, I got a cheat sheet.
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Hey, guess what, girls? Your sleepover
at Aunt Dana's going to start a little
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early. Hey, take him to a movie. Okay.
146
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I want to see Candy Pony's Rainbow Land.
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Oh, you know what? I saw that last
night.
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But we could go shoe shopping. Come on.
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She's lying.
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You know what?
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I'm going to head out, too.
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I'll introduce myself later when my
pants are meat -free.
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Hey, they're cute, huh?
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What?
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I want these monsters out of my house.
Cheryl, just try
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for 24 hours. If you haven't bonded with
them by then, I'll get rid of them.
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Jim. Come on, there's a better deal than
I got with Andy and Dana.
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Auf Wiedersehen.
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Hey, were you bonding with the boys?
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00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:11,800
No, it's creepy. I feel like a prisoner.
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Does that make you hot? No.
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You know what?
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You're going to sleep better tonight
than you have in years.
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Not that sleeping is on the itinerary
for this evening.
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What's that?
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Cheryl, we've been married for 11 years.
If you don't know by now...
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care of this household, to protect you,
protect the family.
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I am Homeland Security.
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Okay, I'm going to get Gunter, and I'm
going to leave Fritz for you.
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All right.
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Attack command, attack command.
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Do you not know the attack command?
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Yes, yes. Okay, here.
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Got it? Got it?
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Don't forget it. Stay here. Stay right
here.
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Fritz, could you watch my wife, please?
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Roger Ebert.
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What's he like?
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Okay.
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Can I leave that window open?
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You know, you live in this country now.
You should learn the language.
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Yes I did.
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instantly turn into teddy bears do it
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it's upstairs on the list in the bedroom
isn't it
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Think they're gone?
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No, Cheryl.
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We gave them the attack command.
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Their only mission in life is to tear us
apart.
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Would you check?
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mall with you that day. We wouldn't be
here right now.
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What happened?
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It's over. Can you let it go?
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How can you be so okay about this? I'm
not. I'm terrified.
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00:14:54,330 --> 00:14:57,270
I'm terrified, Jim. I have to go to that
mall all the time and I'm scared every
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time I pull into the parking garage.
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What am I going to do? Not go to the
mall?
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00:15:00,470 --> 00:15:01,590
Yes. Not going to happen.
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00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:04,970
Jim, come on.
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I got to go on with my life and so do
you.
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Tell me.
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00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:32,200
That's the first time that I actually
considered the possibility that... What?
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That you could die before me.
203
00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:36,640
Oh, honey.
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I mean, you know what? I mean, if
something ever happened to you, honey, I
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00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,360
start crying. I could never stop.
206
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:46,460
I mean, you know what? I didn't even
kiss you that day. You know that? That
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could have been the last time I saw you.
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00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,620
Oh, honey. I know. I know.
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I think about that stuff, too, and
sometimes it really freaks me out.
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00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,780
But you know what, sweetie? We just
can't dwell on it.
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Really, we need to enjoy the time we
have here together.
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Okay?
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00:16:05,780 --> 00:16:12,220
You just kissed me on the toilet.
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He said you would never do that.
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Special circumstances.
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What would happen if suddenly I was out
of the picture? What would you do? How
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00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:30,750
would you support yourself? Living
trust.
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00:16:32,870 --> 00:16:34,290
Well, that's good. You're prepared.
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How long would you wait?
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00:16:38,510 --> 00:16:39,510
Andrew.
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00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:42,770
My yoga instructor.
222
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He's gay.
223
00:16:45,530 --> 00:16:46,870
He's still not gay!
224
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:50,110
Cheryl, if you want to continue going to
that yoga class, he's gay.
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00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:53,909
How about you?
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Must have somebody picked out.
227
00:16:56,110 --> 00:17:02,690
Well, I don't dwell on it, but... I
think it would have to be Melissa Stark
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00:17:02,690 --> 00:17:03,690
Monday Night Football.
229
00:17:04,630 --> 00:17:07,609
Or that girl with the big knockers at
the buying bag.
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00:17:08,510 --> 00:17:10,990
Please! Those are so fake!
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00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:14,650
They're not fake! Jim, if you want to
keep going to the buying bag, they're
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fake. Okay, they're fake.
233
00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:19,630
So, here we are.
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I can't follow you.
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00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,540
Gotta get rid of the dogs, and you
insist on leaving the house.
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00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:29,840
What am I supposed to do?
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00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,440
Same thing I do every time you bite into
a chili dog.
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Look the other way and hope for the
best.
239
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,620
Yeah, you should really give those
things up, and I know I'm not gonna.
240
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,900
Gracie, she does this all the time. She
takes one bite and she throws it away.
241
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,400
No, honey, don't eat that.
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00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:49,640
No, no, honey.
243
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,480
You're getting us out of here.
244
00:17:55,580 --> 00:17:57,780
What? Remember this allergy medicine
that you took? Yeah.
245
00:17:58,420 --> 00:18:00,560
Remember how it knocked you out for half
a day? Yeah.
246
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,740
You do the same thing to the dogs.
247
00:18:03,060 --> 00:18:05,900
Oh. Oh, honey, is that much okay for
them?
248
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,980
Honey, they are trying to kill us. I
think I'm being nice.
249
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,080
Okay, don't worry about it. It's just
going to knock them out.
250
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:15,320
They won't die.
251
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:16,520
Okay, careful.
252
00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:20,340
Okay.
253
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,380
It'll take about 15 minutes for it to
kick in.
254
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,500
We got 15 minutes. I know.
255
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:36,960
What do we do with the other 10?
256
00:18:40,540 --> 00:18:47,300
This is Harry Carey. Holy cow, Stoney.
Saturday afternoon, Wrigley
257
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:50,320
Field. Got a couple of fans in the crowd
doing the wave.
258
00:18:54,250 --> 00:19:00,190
this kid from the wheat fields of
Illinois could give the Cubs their first
259
00:19:00,190 --> 00:19:03,270
Series championship in 95 years.
260
00:19:05,930 --> 00:19:06,970
Outside toy!
261
00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:08,250
Outside toy!
262
00:19:09,590 --> 00:19:10,509
All right.
263
00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:14,170
We're going to the mall to replace the
vase that Gracie broke at Aunt Dana's.
264
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:15,609
I know.
265
00:19:15,610 --> 00:19:18,550
I hope they didn't keep you up all
night. Oh, are you kidding? It was the
266
00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:20,130
nanny's problem. I was in bed by nine.
267
00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:22,990
Oh, Cheryl, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute before you go.
268
00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:26,050
Here. Emergency whistle.
269
00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:27,270
Put it in your pocket.
270
00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:28,549
Pepper spray.
271
00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:29,550
Spray them right in the eyes.
272
00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:31,230
Here, here. Nail gun.
273
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:32,870
Jim.
274
00:19:33,330 --> 00:19:36,370
Come on, honey. Will you just take it
with you? I want you to be safe. I'm not
275
00:19:36,370 --> 00:19:37,390
bringing a nail gun.
276
00:19:37,730 --> 00:19:39,070
All right, I'll keep it for myself.
277
00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:40,410
Okay.
278
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:41,610
Wait a minute.
279
00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:44,110
What? I forgot the most important thing.
280
00:19:51,150 --> 00:19:53,370
If this goes on much longer, can I have
the nail gun?
281
00:19:57,110 --> 00:19:58,130
I'm going to miss you.
282
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,190
I'm going to miss you, too.
283
00:20:01,390 --> 00:20:02,390
Bye.
284
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:03,750
Bye.
285
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:13,570
The count remains full as lover boy digs
into the play.
286
00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:19,210
Let's hope his mind is back on the game
and off the kissy kissy.
287
00:20:21,949 --> 00:20:23,670
Cubs win! Yes, Cubs!
288
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:26,890
Thank
289
00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:36,090
you,
290
00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:37,049
Uncle Andy.
291
00:20:37,050 --> 00:20:38,570
We love you.
292
00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:43,770
Oh, I love you too, girls. Okay, time's
up. Uncle Andy's turn.
293
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,120
Thank you. At least there's one other
decent person around here.
294
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:07,160
Can you do me first? Sure, no problem.
21543
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