Original subtitles

This one here?

Billy Beaver has $500 to build a house.

If he spends $100 on lumber and $100 on bricks, how much does Billy Beaver have

left?

$300?

Well, in Beaver Town, maybe.

But in reality, Billy Beaver's going to burn through that $300 really fast. I

mean, you got workman's comp, you got overhead, you got permits, honey.

Unless you've got a buddy down at City Hall, wink, wink.

I say the real answer would be minus $500.

So put that down, and if your teacher has a problem with it, have her call me.

What's next?

Well, just that, you know, we're at a big fancy party. Yes.

And I ain't wearing no underwear.

Oh.

And nobody knows.

Why do you do that?

Well, you know, it's my way of rebelling against the beautiful people, the in

crowd, whatever you want to call them. You mean adults?

Yeah, there you go.

Hi, I'm so glad you guys made it. Okay, I need you to start laughing.

Why? Behind me, our regional director. He thinks I'm cold, so laugh like I said

something warm and funny. But not too big or he'll think I said something off

-color. My labs aren't for sale.

Lisa, she just got transferred here. She is smart and outgoing. Just a great

gal. Well, that sounds like someone I have no interest in meeting.

Oh.

I'll be at the bar.

Jim! Oh, thank you. Oh.

You know what's a funny name for a city?

Bangkok.

I mean, think about it. You know, bang.

Hey. Hey, man.

I don't think so.

No? No, I've been to Japan, Mexico.

And this impish little lager is my passport to Germany.

Oh, nice to see you. If you turn around, I want you to meet my friend Lisa. I'd

love to meet your friend Lisa.

Jimmy!

What, you two know each other?

Uh, yeah.

Well, yeah, Jimmy and I went out for... We dated for, like, what, a month and a

half? A year and a half.

Did you ever just not get a movie that everyone else loves?

Well, look at you, Jim. You're married. Yes, yes.

We got three kids. All of them mine.

Well,

I can't wait to meet them. Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe we'll do that

sometime. We are.

What? Well, Jim, I invited her for dinner on Saturday night.

Is that okay? Is it too weird? No!

Weird? I mean, you know, my ex -girlfriend and my wife sitting down to

feel like Warren Beatty.

Warren Beatty. You didn't laugh at my thing.

What is the Arabic word for sandstorm?

Ooh, sorry.

The answer is a boob.

My turn.

Uncle Eddie, this is too hard.

Oh, okay.

How about an easier one?

What color is Barney?

Purple!

Too bad that's not a real question.

Now, what silent film actress...

Hello. You know what? It's very late.

Uncle Andy, would you put them in bed and we'll be right up? Even though I'm

their parents, okay.

Good night, girls.

Love you.

Love you more.

Love you.

All I'm saying is, next time you invite someone over for dinner, make sure I

haven't slept with them.

I don't know why it's such a big deal for Lisa to come over. It is a big deal,

honey. Come on, think about it, Cheryl. Just think about it.

When the ex -girlfriend and the wife get together, it's a nasty cocktail.

Come on, Jim.

What? I'm invited here now. I live with a jealous wife.

You know, I want her to come. I like her.

Jim?

Jim?

Jim? Joe, you better sit down.

Actually, you know what's going to be tougher on me? I'll sit.

Cheryl, what I'm about to tell you, you may not believe, but Lisa

dumped me.

All right, now let's not judge here, okay?

I mean, in her defense, I wasn't the catch then that I am now.

I feel so much better, honey.

I feel like an 80 -pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Honey, why didn't you just tell me this before?

Oh, Cheryl, I wanted to, but it just... It's embarrassing. I mean, think about

it. Cheryl, Lisa dumped me.

Dumped me hard.

It took me a long time to get over it.

I mean, you can understand that, can't you?

Well, one time it took a guy a couple hours to call me back. Does that count?

I understand why you might not want her to come over for dinner. But, you know,

honey, we're all adults. You're right.

I guess.

And wouldn't it be nice to get past this?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Good, then.

It's settled.

Just wear underwear.

They're waiting for you to tuck them in.

Gracie bit me.

She did?

Yeah. She wouldn't spit out her gum, so I went in after her.

Not good.

What do you mean?

Well, at Dana's party, guess who Cheryl met?

Lisa Christie.

Oh, my God.

Your Lisa Christie?

Uh -huh. And you know what's worse?

She invited her over for dinner Saturday night.

Uh -oh.

How much does Cheryl know? I just told her that Lisa dumped me. That's it.

That's all? That's all. You didn't tell her about it? No, no, nothing else,

nothing else.

But that's where you come in. When Lisa comes over for dinner Saturday night, I

need you to create some kind of diversion.

Like what? I don't care. Whatever you do best. I'm not going to make love to

your ex -girlfriend on the dining room table.

I'm looking all over the mall for Jim, right? And big surprise, I find him

asleep in the massage chair in front of the big screen TV.

No way. And there's this whole group of Japanese tourists around him taking

pictures because they think he's part of the display.

a lot of romantic stories, too, but I'm killing with this stuff.

Killing me with this stuff. Oh.

You don't have to tell me how romantic Jimmy is. This is the guy that shows up

in front of my apartment with a horse and carriage.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Are you okay?

A piece of chicken down the wrong pipe. Oh.

We had pork chops.

I didn't say it was from today.

Anyway, go on.

Well, he rinses... How about time me out?

And he fills it with flowers.

Billy,

it's just a little warm.

Oh.

I guess I, uh... expected it to be hot.

And therefore gave the appropriate response one would give to the

stimulus.

Okay, Lisa, go on.

Well, um, we drove around Grant Park for about an hour, and then... And then we

called it a night!

I mean, it wasn't the greatest story, but you told it so well, Lisa.

Okay, time for lovely Cheryl's upside -down cake.

And we'll stop making fun of me, okay?

Please. No, we'll do it because we love you. It doesn't sound like it. You know,

if I'd have said yes to Jim's proposal that night, you would not be married to

this great guy.

You proposed?

Sure,

I wasn't quite done with that pork chop.

why giant alligators survive in the sewers. There's your answer.

You are unbelievable.

What? I told you. I told you she dumped me.

Yeah, but you didn't tell me that you asked her to marry you.

You're right. Yes.

I didn't.

I'm going to tell you right now.

I want you to know that I proposed to Lisa.

Woo!

Wow.

All of a sudden, I just feel this huge weight off my shoulder.

Like 80 pounds?

Exactly.

I mean, I just feel so light. I can just dance around.

Cheryl, what are you doing the dishes for? We got people here. We didn't even

finish dinner. Jim, it soothes me.

Dishes don't have secrets. Oh, Cheryl.

How could you not tell me that you proposed to another woman?

I meant to tell you, but, you know, you're always either pregnant or

good on TV.

Alive, Cheryl!

You know what bothers me the most?

The way you proposed to Lisa. The carriage and the flowers and everything.

was so romantic.

The way I proposed to you was romantic, too.

But we were in a bar. You were goofing around and you poured beer on my head.

Fine, fine. I could have gotten you the carriage and the flowers and a singing

coachman. But, you know, is that what you really want?

Coachman?

I feel so much lighter.

You know, I always thought that beer proposal was cute, but now I find out

could have done better, a lot better, and you did.

Cheryl, look, when I proposed to Lisa, that wasn't me.

All right? That was just, you know, a big show.

When I proposed to you, come on, it was fun, it was spontaneous, and I wasn't

trying to impress you.

Well, mission accomplished.

Carol, all I know is the best thing that ever happened to me was Lisa turning me

down. Because now I have you.

And look at us. We're married. We have a house. We have kids.

You know, got each other.

Got cake we're waiting for.

I guess that beer proposal was kind of unique.

You won't see that in a Meg Ryan movie.

You do love me, don't you?

Oh, honey, of course I do.

It's just that I want to kill you.

Take your best shot. Come on, come on. You guys, I am so sorry. Me and my big

mouth. I should not have said that. Oh, don't worry about it. No, I should not

have said that. Oh, absolutely okay.

Oh, Cheryl.

What? You took off your engagement ring. No, that's because I was doing dishes.

Don't do this. He never even put it on my finger.

It's the same.

How much of that cake was eaten considering how awkward dessert was?

I mean, that's a compliment to the chef.

Here. You'll love this.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Come on, Cheryl.

When I gave you that ring, you loved it.

What was I supposed to do, take it back?

No.

She'd have waited 11 years and laid it on me while I was cooking dinner for

old girlfriend.

If you recall, I begged you to cancel dinner.

So, why don't we just admit we both made mistakes and move on?

How can you possibly think it's okay to give me the same ring you gave Lisa?

It never touched her finger.

Come on, what do you think, he's got cooties?

Brian, it's a ring. Uh -oh.

Elsie.

Lisa Christie.

You told me it stood for lovely Cheryl.

A lot of things, honey, stand for more than one thing. Come on. I mean, you

for example, AA stands for alcoholics, and it also stands for those guys who

your car.

That's triple A.

One more letter. You are so anal about your letters.

I'm getting ready for bed. Cheryl, Cheryl, come on. I know you're upset. I

you're upset, but wait a minute. Come on. It was a long time ago.

It's just a ring, honey.

You just don't get it, do you?

I don't get anything.

A ring is a symbol of love and commitment between two people, not

Cheryl.

Got nothing.

That makes two of us.

I hate my toes.

I hate Randy Cooperman.

He called me a poo.

He did?

We should just call him a poo right back.

Dana, no. Come on.

Call him Randy Pooperman.

Yeah.

of these daddies home. Hi, Daddy.

Daddy, can we paint your toenails?

Oh, Uncle Andy did them at the office so I ran out.

Come here, Cheryl. I want to show you something.

What? Come on outside. I want to show you. Come on. What are you up to?

Geez. Guy gets caught telling a bunch of lies and all of a sudden you don't

trust him anymore?

Yeah.

What's Daddy doing?

or something I should have done 11 years ago for you.

Come on, get in. No, honey, it's so beautiful. I just want to look at it for

little bit.

Okay. It's just that I'm renting it by the hour, you know.

I don't want you to shake away.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Oh, honey.

This must have cost a fortune.

Well, yeah.

But if Ruby's teeth grow in straight, we'll be in the clear.

You like it?

Yeah. Look at that.

Honey. And just for the record, this is a much nicer carriage than Lisa got.

Oh, right.

Forgotten about that.

Put it out of your mind. Put it out of your mind.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Well.

She never got this.

Open it.

Jim. Open it.

Oh.

It's a bottle cap.

Yeah, that's right.

This is the bottle cap that was on the bottle of beer that I poured over you

night I proposed to you.

Oh, honey.

Look at that.

You saved it all these years? Uh -huh, yeah.

Oh.

Cheryl, look, you know, I knew I was going to propose to you.

I just didn't know I was going to propose to you that night.

It just kind of rushed up on me, you know? I mean, it was that bar, and I had

couple of beers.

Foghead was on the jukebox.

Yeah. And you looked so beautiful that night.

And your laugh just went right through me.

Oh. I just got caught up in the moment. I don't know. I just said it.

So that night when we got back to my place, I had the woman I wanted to

had a spare engagement ring in the junk drawer.

I thought it was fate.

Now, I may have bought that ring for somebody else.

But Cheryl, it's always belonged to you.

Wow.

Yeah. Can I call you Jimmy now?

That is not funny. No, you can't. It's funny.

Now, as far as the ring is concerned, if you want me to buy you a new ring, I'll

do that. You know that.

Ain't such a beautiful ring.

You know, it holds so many memories for me. Yeah, get me another ring. Okay.

Driver, who wants to round the block?

Right away, Governor.

Giddy up there, Belvedere.

By the light.

of the silvery moon. The two, three, moon, three, sack, and spoon. Boy, did

feel good on a 19 -year -old.

Hershey.