All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s02e17_the_ring

This one here?

Billy Beaver has $500 to build a house.

If he spends $100 on lumber and $100 on
bricks, how much does Billy Beaver have

left?

$300?

Well, in Beaver Town, maybe.

But in reality, Billy Beaver's going to
burn through that $300 really fast. I

mean, you got workman's comp, you got
overhead, you got permits, honey.

Unless you've got a buddy down at City
Hall, wink, wink.

I say the real answer would be minus
$500.

So put that down, and if your teacher
has a problem with it, have her call me.

What's next?

Well, just that, you know, we're at a
big fancy party. Yes.

And I ain't wearing no underwear.

Oh.

And nobody knows.

Why do you do that?

Well, you know, it's my way of rebelling
against the beautiful people, the in

crowd, whatever you want to call them.
You mean adults?

Yeah, there you go.

Hi, I'm so glad you guys made it. Okay,
I need you to start laughing.

Why? Behind me, our regional director.
He thinks I'm cold, so laugh like I said

something warm and funny. But not too
big or he'll think I said something off

-color. My labs aren't for sale.

Lisa, she just got transferred here. She
is smart and outgoing. Just a great

gal. Well, that sounds like someone I
have no interest in meeting.

Oh.

I'll be at the bar.

Jim! Oh, thank you. Oh.

You know what's a funny name for a city?

Bangkok.

I mean, think about it. You know, bang.

Hey. Hey, man.

I don't think so.

No? No, I've been to Japan, Mexico.

And this impish little lager is my
passport to Germany.

Oh, nice to see you. If you turn around,
I want you to meet my friend Lisa. I'd

love to meet your friend Lisa.

Jimmy!

What, you two know each other?

Uh, yeah.

Well, yeah, Jimmy and I went out for...
We dated for, like, what, a month and a

half? A year and a half.

Did you ever just not get a movie that
everyone else loves?

Well, look at you, Jim. You're married.
Yes, yes.

We got three kids. All of them mine.

Well,

I can't wait to meet them. Oh, that's a
great idea. Maybe we'll do that

sometime. We are.

What? Well, Jim, I invited her for
dinner on Saturday night.

Is that okay? Is it too weird? No!

Weird? I mean, you know, my ex
-girlfriend and my wife sitting down to

feel like Warren Beatty.

Warren Beatty. You didn't laugh at my
thing.

What is the Arabic word for sandstorm?

Ooh, sorry.

The answer is a boob.

My turn.

Uncle Eddie, this is too hard.

Oh, okay.

How about an easier one?

What color is Barney?

Purple!

Too bad that's not a real question.

Now, what silent film actress...

Hello. You know what? It's very late.

Uncle Andy, would you put them in bed
and we'll be right up? Even though I'm

their parents, okay.

Good night, girls.

Love you.

Love you more.

Love you.

All I'm saying is, next time you invite
someone over for dinner, make sure I

haven't slept with them.

I don't know why it's such a big deal
for Lisa to come over. It is a big deal,

honey. Come on, think about it, Cheryl.
Just think about it.

When the ex -girlfriend and the wife get
together, it's a nasty cocktail.

Come on, Jim.

What? I'm invited here now. I live with
a jealous wife.

You know, I want her to come. I like
her.

Jim?

Jim?

Jim? Joe, you better sit down.

Actually, you know what's going to be
tougher on me? I'll sit.

Cheryl, what I'm about to tell you, you
may not believe, but Lisa

dumped me.

All right, now let's not judge here,
okay?

I mean, in her defense, I wasn't the
catch then that I am now.

I feel so much better, honey.

I feel like an 80 -pound weight has been
lifted off my shoulders.

Honey, why didn't you just tell me this
before?

Oh, Cheryl, I wanted to, but it just...
It's embarrassing. I mean, think about

it. Cheryl, Lisa dumped me.

Dumped me hard.

It took me a long time to get over it.

I mean, you can understand that, can't
you?

Well, one time it took a guy a couple
hours to call me back. Does that count?

I understand why you might not want her
to come over for dinner. But, you know,

honey, we're all adults. You're right.

I guess.

And wouldn't it be nice to get past
this?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Good, then.

It's settled.

Just wear underwear.

They're waiting for you to tuck them in.

Gracie bit me.

She did?

Yeah. She wouldn't spit out her gum, so
I went in after her.

Not good.

What do you mean?

Well, at Dana's party, guess who Cheryl
met?

Lisa Christie.

Oh, my God.

Your Lisa Christie?

Uh -huh. And you know what's worse?

She invited her over for dinner Saturday
night.

Uh -oh.

How much does Cheryl know? I just told
her that Lisa dumped me. That's it.

That's all? That's all. You didn't tell
her about it? No, no, nothing else,

nothing else.

But that's where you come in. When Lisa
comes over for dinner Saturday night, I

need you to create some kind of
diversion.

Like what? I don't care. Whatever you do
best. I'm not going to make love to

your ex -girlfriend on the dining room
table.

I'm looking all over the mall for Jim,
right? And big surprise, I find him

asleep in the massage chair in front of
the big screen TV.

No way. And there's this whole group of
Japanese tourists around him taking

pictures because they think he's part of
the display.

a lot of romantic stories, too, but I'm
killing with this stuff.

Killing me with this stuff. Oh.

You don't have to tell me how romantic
Jimmy is. This is the guy that shows up

in front of my apartment with a horse
and carriage.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Are you okay?

A piece of chicken down the wrong pipe.
Oh.

We had pork chops.

I didn't say it was from today.

Anyway, go on.

Well, he rinses... How about time me
out?

And he fills it with flowers.

Billy,

it's just a little warm.

Oh.

I guess I, uh... expected it to be hot.

And therefore gave the appropriate
response one would give to the

stimulus.

Okay, Lisa, go on.

Well, um, we drove around Grant Park for
about an hour, and then... And then we

called it a night!

I mean, it wasn't the greatest story,
but you told it so well, Lisa.

Okay, time for lovely Cheryl's upside
-down cake.

And we'll stop making fun of me, okay?

Please. No, we'll do it because we love
you. It doesn't sound like it. You know,

if I'd have said yes to Jim's proposal
that night, you would not be married to

this great guy.

You proposed?

Sure,

I wasn't quite done with that pork chop.

why giant alligators survive in the
sewers. There's your answer.

You are unbelievable.

What? I told you. I told you she dumped
me.

Yeah, but you didn't tell me that you
asked her to marry you.

You're right. Yes.

I didn't.

I'm going to tell you right now.

I want you to know that I proposed to
Lisa.

Woo!

Wow.

All of a sudden, I just feel this huge
weight off my shoulder.

Like 80 pounds?

Exactly.

I mean, I just feel so light. I can just
dance around.

Cheryl, what are you doing the dishes
for? We got people here. We didn't even

finish dinner. Jim, it soothes me.

Dishes don't have secrets. Oh, Cheryl.

How could you not tell me that you
proposed to another woman?

I meant to tell you, but, you know,
you're always either pregnant or

good on TV.

Alive, Cheryl!

You know what bothers me the most?

The way you proposed to Lisa. The
carriage and the flowers and everything.

was so romantic.

The way I proposed to you was romantic,
too.

But we were in a bar. You were goofing
around and you poured beer on my head.

Fine, fine. I could have gotten you the
carriage and the flowers and a singing

coachman. But, you know, is that what
you really want?

Coachman?

I feel so much lighter.

You know, I always thought that beer
proposal was cute, but now I find out

could have done better, a lot better,
and you did.

Cheryl, look, when I proposed to Lisa,
that wasn't me.

All right? That was just, you know, a
big show.

When I proposed to you, come on, it was
fun, it was spontaneous, and I wasn't

trying to impress you.

Well, mission accomplished.

Carol, all I know is the best thing that
ever happened to me was Lisa turning me

down. Because now I have you.

And look at us. We're married. We have a
house. We have kids.

You know, got each other.

Got cake we're waiting for.

I guess that beer proposal was kind of
unique.

You won't see that in a Meg Ryan movie.

You do love me, don't you?

Oh, honey, of course I do.

It's just that I want to kill you.

Take your best shot. Come on, come on.
You guys, I am so sorry. Me and my big

mouth. I should not have said that. Oh,
don't worry about it. No, I should not

have said that. Oh, absolutely okay.

Oh, Cheryl.

What? You took off your engagement ring.
No, that's because I was doing dishes.

Don't do this. He never even put it on
my finger.

It's the same.

How much of that cake was eaten
considering how awkward dessert was?

I mean, that's a compliment to the chef.

Here. You'll love this.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Come on, Cheryl.

When I gave you that ring, you loved it.

What was I supposed to do, take it back?

No.

She'd have waited 11 years and laid it
on me while I was cooking dinner for

old girlfriend.

If you recall, I begged you to cancel
dinner.

So, why don't we just admit we both made
mistakes and move on?

How can you possibly think it's okay to
give me the same ring you gave Lisa?

It never touched her finger.

Come on, what do you think, he's got
cooties?

Brian, it's a ring. Uh -oh.

Elsie.

Lisa Christie.

You told me it stood for lovely Cheryl.

A lot of things, honey, stand for more
than one thing. Come on. I mean, you

for example, AA stands for alcoholics,
and it also stands for those guys who

your car.

That's triple A.

One more letter. You are so anal about
your letters.

I'm getting ready for bed. Cheryl,
Cheryl, come on. I know you're upset. I

you're upset, but wait a minute. Come
on. It was a long time ago.

It's just a ring, honey.

You just don't get it, do you?

I don't get anything.

A ring is a symbol of love and
commitment between two people, not

Cheryl.

Got nothing.

That makes two of us.

I hate my toes.

I hate Randy Cooperman.

He called me a poo.

He did?

We should just call him a poo right
back.

Dana, no. Come on.

Call him Randy Pooperman.

Yeah.

of these daddies home. Hi, Daddy.

Daddy, can we paint your toenails?

Oh, Uncle Andy did them at the office so
I ran out.

Come here, Cheryl. I want to show you
something.

What? Come on outside. I want to show
you. Come on. What are you up to?

Geez. Guy gets caught telling a bunch of
lies and all of a sudden you don't

trust him anymore?

Yeah.

What's Daddy doing?

or something I should have done 11 years
ago for you.

Come on, get in. No, honey, it's so
beautiful. I just want to look at it for

little bit.

Okay. It's just that I'm renting it by
the hour, you know.

I don't want you to shake away.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Oh, honey.

This must have cost a fortune.

Well, yeah.

But if Ruby's teeth grow in straight,
we'll be in the clear.

You like it?

Yeah. Look at that.

Honey. And just for the record, this is
a much nicer carriage than Lisa got.

Oh, right.

Forgotten about that.

Put it out of your mind. Put it out of
your mind.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Well.

She never got this.

Open it.

Jim. Open it.

Oh.

It's a bottle cap.

Yeah, that's right.

This is the bottle cap that was on the
bottle of beer that I poured over you

night I proposed to you.

Oh, honey.

Look at that.

You saved it all these years? Uh -huh,
yeah.

Oh.

Cheryl, look, you know, I knew I was
going to propose to you.

I just didn't know I was going to
propose to you that night.

It just kind of rushed up on me, you
know? I mean, it was that bar, and I had

couple of beers.

Foghead was on the jukebox.

Yeah. And you looked so beautiful that
night.

And your laugh just went right through
me.

Oh. I just got caught up in the moment.
I don't know. I just said it.

So that night when we got back to my
place, I had the woman I wanted to

had a spare engagement ring in the junk
drawer.

I thought it was fate.

Now, I may have bought that ring for
somebody else.

But Cheryl, it's always belonged to you.

Wow.

Yeah. Can I call you Jimmy now?

That is not funny. No, you can't. It's
funny.

Now, as far as the ring is concerned, if
you want me to buy you a new ring, I'll

do that. You know that.

Ain't such a beautiful ring.

You know, it holds so many memories for
me. Yeah, get me another ring. Okay.

Driver, who wants to round the block?

Right away, Governor.

Giddy up there, Belvedere.

By the light.

of the silvery moon. The two, three,
moon, three, sack, and spoon. Boy, did

feel good on a 19 -year -old.

Hershey.