Original subtitles

Four, three, two, one.

Party 6 -10.

The Bears win the Super Bowl.

Man. Do you think someday we could watch the real Super Bowl instead of this

tape from 1986?

Well, if they had videotape in 1908, we'd be watching the Cubs winning the

Series right now.

So, a trip back to the 96 NBA Finals, watch the Bulls play the Suns?

Did we win that one?

I don't recall.

Nor do I.

Women

don't

need all these toilets.

Well, let's cut a couple of them.

keep the 26 open?

It's Gracie's career day at school. Oh, not career day. Can't you go and feed

him that line about how raising kids is, you know, a full -time job?

Oh, yeah, you know, I would, but that day I'm sitting in the hot tub all day

eating bonbons.

When I did career day for Ruby last year, all the kids just stared at me.

I mean, the only one that bombed worse than me was an actuary.

I felt bad for his kid.

Honey, come on. You did it for Ruby. You gotta do it for Gracie.

All right.

Well, you think I can become an astronaut by the 26th?

Well, you could certainly be rejected by the 26th.

That's my boy. Did you hear that pitch?

Did you hear that tonal quality?

Yeah, most kids couldn't pull that off until they were six.

Yeah, honey, maybe we can get him into the gifted program.

Wow,

he's on a roll.

Hey, hey, hey, no, no, don't encourage him. That's exactly how it started with

Jim. Oh, come on, Cheryl. You know you want to laugh. Come on, it doesn't

if you're a truck stop hooker or the Queen of England. Everybody agrees on

thing. Farts, funny.

Daryl, remember that whoopee cushion we had when we were kids? Big laugh.

Andy, I shared a room with you. It wasn't always the whoopee cushion.

Man, if I were to come up with a whoopee cushion, I'd be wearing solid gold

pants right now.

Yeah. That would really test that gold doesn't tarnish thing.

Hey, what if we came up with a toy, you know, like a doll, that made that exact

sound?

I think I'm sitting on a brilliant idea.

You got, like, your other brilliant ideas?

The self -folding pants?

Donuts filled with liquor?

Cheryl, that was a good idea. Open up your mind, will you?

You know what? If Henry Ford's wife had your kind of attitude, we would have

conceived Gracie on the back of a horse.

You know, Jim, if you're serious about this doll thing, we should work up a

prototype. Prototype? I don't know. Sounds like a lot of time and...

No, it'll be easy. I'll do everything.

Oh, and I'll do the rest.

Hey, you know, this could work.

Can you imagine if this thing took off?

Oh, come on. Are you actually going to put time and money into making a doll

that just passes gas?

What makes you think that's the only thing it could do?

I mean, maybe it could speak. You know, maybe it could teach kids history.

Okay, Jim, that is crazy. You're right. It'll just fart and talk.

Hey, how about this?

Call the gas company. They think we have a leak.

Oh, hey, how about, Houston, we are a go for launch.

It's a very interesting job. You see, he gets people together, and he shows them

how to make a building.

Does he get free ice cream?

No. Then I don't want him to come.

Well, he is coming, and you better pretend what he does is interesting.

Yeah, just like your mommy does.

Your attention, please.

Not since Thomas Alva Edison conquered the darkness with his daring elect...

Electric lights in 1883.

Presenting... Cassie Gus.

Hey, I was gonna say that. Yeah, like in three hours.

Okay, go ahead. Squeeze it.

And I can talk to him. He might really go for this.

You see that? You see that? Even your sister believes in me. And she has no

reason to because she knows I can't stand her.

Go on, Dana.

No, no, no, Dana, don't go on.

You're just throwing fuel on the crackpot.

I know, I know. Most of the time Jim talks and I just hear static. But this

I think you might be on to something.

universal language.

Now, if you'll turn to page 23 in your regional marketing report, you'll see

steady sales growth and novelty toy profits regardless of economic climate.

Oh, right.

46 % of men and 31 % of women will purchase at least one to three novelty

annually. She's killing us here. I'm on it. If you look at the insert graph on 3

.01... Excuse me, Dana.

Not since Thomas Alva Edison.

Excuse me, folks, if I may.

What are you doing? I am bringing seven people out of a coma.

Folks, you know, you can't really put the joy of farting onto a graph.

But you can squeeze it into a tiny pair of overalls.

Now that's a skyscraper.

Thank you for your time.

No, Mommy, put your pinky up. You look like a truck driver.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. Hi, Daddy.

We're having a tea party. What kind of tea do you want?

Uh, beer?

Cheryl, the investors loved it. They just loved it. When Gassy Gus let one

it was like mixing Christmas with chili.

This is going to be big, and I intend to parlay it into fast cars and cheap

women.

Or cheap cars and fast women. Either way, I'm good.

They actually bought into the whole doll thing? Well, not yet, but they will.

You know what? These investors probably hear a thousand ideas a day. I don't

want you to get your hopes up, because you'll just be disappointed if it

happen. Why can't you believe in me? The man has a vision.

Yes, honey.

Some men...

Look at a farting doll and ask why.

I look at a farting doll and ask, why not?

Hey, they loved it.

What? Yes, there is.

You're serious? Yes, they're going to invest.

They think it's going to be bigger than the singing bass.

Oh, yeah, sweet.

Oh, chicks love rich guys.

Now I can finally afford to let myself go.

You too, buddy.

Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus.

To Gessie Gunn, who will cost $2 to make, but retail for $19 .95.

$29 .95 in Canada. To our foolish neighbors to the north.

When are the checks going to start rolling in? Because there's a couple of

I want to make sure I can afford to punch.

Well, first the investors have to take their 70 % cut.

70 % cut?

But we came up with the idea.

Yeah, but they're the ones who are putting up the money.

Well, here's to the mime in Grant Park that gets to live another day.

Hey, guys.

I made mini pizzas for our little celebration.

Celebration? Yeah.

It was a dream. We all worked hard.

And it became a reality.

Here it's to us.

You know, honey, when you say the words we and us, it implies that you had

something to do with the success of this project.

Yeah, you said it was never going to happen.

Yeah, you told me not to waste my time with these goofballs. She said

Goofballs? Yeah.

You know, like a sounding board?

Every successful team needs that.

Here's Jeff.

Look who's on board.

You know, Cheryl, I don't really need you there at the podium when

they're swearing me in.

I need you in Iowa, New Hampshire, kissing babies and shaking hands.

You know, I want my wife to be first in line, not fifth.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Is it me, or is this bandwagon getting a little crowded?

Cheryl, you made your bed. Now lie in it.

I make all the beds!

True, she does. She makes all the beds.

And it didn't matter that the building was burning.

It was my job to go in there and... Save the old kitten.

Was it worth it?

You tell me.

That is so shameless.

Yeah, really.

Can I play with the kitty?

Thank you, Monica's dad, for that inspiring tale of selfless heroism.

Well, we've heard from a fireman, a candy maker, and a real life...

Let's see who's next.

Oh, how about Gracie's dad?

It's like following Sinatra.

Eddie, come on. We're on. You are a gift from God? Yes, you are.

Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Ganzel.

run into a burning building.

But can you ever stop to think, who built that burning building?

Well, in some cases, it was me.

I am a general contractor.

It's my job to execute building plans and secure permits from the city.

Andy, would you put the clapped cricket in the hallway?

It's very distracting.

Honey, honey, show them the blueprints.

They're really blue.

Blueprints? Let me get them out of my bag.

Danger! Blasting zone!

You thought that was funny, huh?

Honey, honey, not here.

You want to hear another one?

Yeah!

Nasty Gus.

I made him. I'm also an inventor.

You invented the fart?

I reinvented it.

Can we play with him, Daddy?

Sure, Gracie. I could pass it around.

Unless you'd rather play with the kitten.

Yes,

question. from one of the jealous parents in the back.

Yeah, you're responsible for Gassy Gus?

Well, and me. Here, take this filthy animal.

I'm Andy.

Don't forget about me.

No, I won't. I won't. You've been served.

This is a cease and desist notice.

I'm here on behalf of Monko Toys. Gassy Gus is a copyright infringement on a

line of novelty dolls that they already make. Wait, some big company already

makes this thing? But this is based on me.

I mean, it's my voice. It's my sound that I make.

Yes, well, the fact remains that if you continue to make or sell these, you will

be in violation of Section 501A of the Copyright Infringement Act and subject

prosecution.

Hey, kid, I'm a process server. That's my job.

Hey, Monica's dead.

Give me the cat.

shouldn't have wasted my time with you goofballs. That's right, you heard me. I

said goofballs.

Hey, we got one, too. They served us at school.

Yeah, I know. I sent him there.

What? Why would you do that?

Because it made me feel good. All right, all right. Don't panic here. We're not

going to take this lying down.

I'm going to hire a lawyer.

Cheryl, that kid, Emily, wasn't her father a lawyer?

Honey, I don't really think he's an option. You flipped him off in the

lot.

Hey, what about me, huh?

I was going to buy a boat. I had a great name picked out.

Boaty call. Oh, come on.

Come on. You guys don't even know what you're mad about.

You tried something and it didn't work out. I mean, it's not like I'm going to

say I told you so. No.

No, I did.

All you're out is the cost of the prototype.

You know who shouldn't be crying are your investors.

I'm standing here with the investors, aren't I?

Well, you know, I invested some of our money.

Got nothing to hide.

How much?

You know, I'm not good with numbers. How much?

Two thousand bucks.

What? I put in three thousand.

I put in four.

There's a lot of hidden expenses, you know, in business, like storage, office

space, courtside tickets for the Bulls. What?

I mean, they wanted 70%. All I was doing was eliminating the middleman. I mean,

think about it. If the Beatles had sold their own albums, can you imagine how

rich they'd be?

Well, Jim, the Beatles... Okay, listen.

I just, I can't believe you would throw our money away without telling me. I did

it for us.

I want a better life for our children. I mean, look around.

Do you really want our kids to live like this the rest of their lives?

You invested $2 ,000.

Dupe these saps for seven more.

Hey.

And you got nothing to show for it?

Well, I wouldn't say nothing.

All these boxes are full of gassy Gus dolls?

Well, except for that one there. Those are workout clothes for charity.

I mean, face it, that fitness craze is over with.

You were just going to tell me it was a stupid idea anyway. No, honey, we would

have talked about it. Yes, and then you would have told me it was a stupid idea.

How do I know?

Ice cream.

Ice fishing.

Ice something.

What are you doing?

I am making the donuts of your dreams.

Donuts filled with liquor?

This one is whiskey with rainbow sprinkles. I call this one gin -a -min.

Why are you doing this? Because it is a brilliant idea.

And I support you. This time, I am first in line.

Who are your ideas?

Thank you.

Poo -poo.

Because you, you are a great husband.

And I love you. And whether your ideas are good or stupid, I want to be there

for you.

You really mean that? Yes. Or is that the donut stock? No, no.

But it's actually like being the head of a small company.

You have to manage a budget, organize your resources,

vacuum, and

always have lots of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

That is shameless.

Tell me about it.