All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s02e11_the_brother-in-law

Daddy, can you do everything?

Yeah. Can you do a handstand?

Is the Pope Catholic?

He is Catholic.

So that means yes.

Do it.

I'm reading a paper here, honey. You
can't do it. I can so.

You can't do it. Yes, I can. You can't
do it. Yes, I can.

You can't do it.

Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do
it. I'll do it. I'll do it. All right?

See? I can do anything!

Hey,

what's going on down there?

Oh, baby.

to do that shave and haircut riff?

That's kind of fun, don't you think?

But the blues aren't supposed to be fun.

Not with that attitude, they won't be.

I think this makes us stand out from all
the other groups.

What other groups are Five Guys in a
Garage?

Hey, when we get our first gig, that'd
be a great name for a band.

Five Guys in a Garage.

Yeah, too self -aware.

Oh, hey, how about the Funky Wizard?

Huh? We wear long robes, pointy hats.

Yeah, then we can take ourselves out in
the parking lot and beat ourselves up.

Hey,

guys. Hey. This is Eddie.

Hi, Eddie. How are you? Jim.

Good to see you. Is this the new
boyfriend here?

Well, I mean, he's a boy, and he's also
my friend, but we haven't discussed

commitment. I mean, no pressure.

You can call him your boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Whoa.

Slow down.

happening, so okay.

So I heard you guys out there. You sound
great. You got chops.

Well, thanks. Eddie's a musician.

Oh, great. What are you playing? Keys.

Well, well, well.

88. The Ivory.

The Motherboard.

Hey, you want to take my Maybelline for
a spin? Yeah.

Hey, um, treat her rough. She likes it
that way.

I mean, the keyboard's not my sister.

That was hot,

man. That was incredible.

Really good.

Are you in a band?

Not right now.

Well, don't give up.

Piece of advice?

You want to play the blues, you've got
to live the blues.

How many diet snapples for the funky
wizard?

Come on, let's go tell my sister you're
my boyfriend.

Gerald! Eddie! Yeah? You ever play
professionally?

Here and there, you know. Bonnie Raitt,
Blues Traveler, Dave Matthews.

What about you guys?

Yeah, same kind of stuff.

Cool.

You know what? I've got a gig at the
House of Blues, actually, and I need to

a band together.

You guys want to do it?

Well, you know, we've got to think about
it, really.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Great. We have two keyboard players.
Yeah.

No, actually, I'd be the keyboard
player.

Is that all right?

Yeah. Absolutely.

Great. All right. Well, I'll call you
with the details.

Thanks. All right, see ya.

Yeah!

What are you guys talking about? We
can't do this gig without Andy.

That is the real deal, man. He uses all
ten fingers. Oh, come on. No way, man.

No way.

No, man. This is my garage. This is my
beer. It's my wife who you get to gawk

when she's hanging the laundry. No!

Andy stays in the van. Period. End of
discussion.

Yeah, maybe Jim's right. It's a lot more
fun playing out here in the garage

pretending that the paint cans are an
audience.

Jim, come on. It's one gig.

Well, maybe, you know, I guess if the
band took a vote, majority does rule.

Cheryl. Yeah?

Cheryl.

What's my dream?

Jennifer Lopez is sleepwalking and
climbs into bed with us.

Not that one. Not that one. The other
one.

Oh, Brian Urlacher is sleepwalking and
climbs into bed with us.

No, that's your dream.

My dream.

My dream.

About the band.

The band.

The band just got a gig at the House of
Blues.

Oh, my God. Jim. Yes. I've heard of
that. That's a real play.

Yes.

That's great, isn't it?

There's one thing I need you to do,
though, honey. I'm not going to the

and meeting Japanese businessmen again.

No.

Cheryl, this is much easier. You just
got to tell Andy he can't play in the

It's just one gig.

Whatever happened to loyalty?

Honey, this is the music biz. It happens
all the time.

Come on, the Beatles got rid of Pete
Best and replaced him with Ringo, and

the band took off.

Pete Best? wasn't Paul McCartney's
brother -in -law.

You don't know that, Cheryl.

Look, I'm not doing this for you. You're
banned.

Your problem.

Fine.

Guess who's not going to appear semi
-nude on our next album?

Wow.

I forget what a great architect you
really are. I mean, look at that.

Raw energy, fiery passion.

These are schematic drawings for a
public toilet.

Yeah, yeah, and I would be honored to
relieve myself in one of those.

Andy, I need to talk to you about the
band.

What? Oh, you're not changing the name,
are you? Because I already had the T

-shirts made.

Here's the thing, Andy.

The guys and I were talking about you,
and we think that... Think what?

We think that maybe I was a little too
harsh judging your, you know, shaving a

haircut riff.

See? Yeah. It works. Yeah.

It's like, I'm sad.

I'm sad, but I'm gonna be okay.

Yeah. Hey, oh, what time's practice
Saturday?

Saturday?

Uh, I canceled practice.

Oh, how come? Because, uh, you have to,
uh, you have to finish the Eisenberg

project by Saturday.

Oh, those aren't due for two weeks.
What, what, do you question everything I

now? Just, just do it. All right, I'll
do it.

You okay?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

Fine, all right.

Well,

I was going to save this and show you at
practice, but since we're not having

it...

Hey.

Hey. Where's Jim? What are you doing?

Jim wanted me to put a rush on these
drawings for Sunday, but there's a

I need to go over with him. Oh. Well,
he's in the garage. You don't want to go

in there.

Why? Well, it might be a tad awkward
because, you know. Yeah.

Didn't Jim talk to you about the band?

Yeah, yeah. He told me it was canceling
practice.

Oh, my God.

Is that the band? Uh, no.

We're going to be a great thing out
there moving around here.

Yeah, I really should get them into a
music program.

Stop and talk to me.

Why? You kicked me out of the band and
didn't talk to me then.

I didn't kick you out of the band, all
right? We were just rehearsing with

for a thing.

What thing?

A gig.

You got a gig?

Yeah, but look, the only way we could
get the gig is without you.

And that's the truth, Andy.

Oh, well, if it's the truth you want,
I'll give you the truth. Mr.

Fatty Baldy needs a breast mint.

Cheryl, you're slowing down the healing
process.

Jim, I've been with this band for five
years. From the beginning, first gig

we've ever gotten, and you're dumping
me? I'm not dumping you. You're not out

the band, Andy. It's just this gig, and
it's not a big gig. It's a dive. It's

nothing. House of Blues.

Thank you!

What if I did this to you, which, by the
way, is something I would never do?

Well, I think...

You kind of answered your own question
there.

You know what hurts the most, Jim? What?

Is that you lied to me. No,

no, the House of Blues hurts more.

Okay, they're tied.

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, look, I know
you're upset.

But this was for the band.

And I know you.

You're not the kind of guy that wants to
stand in the way.

Are you?

No.

A friend wouldn't do that.

Of course, you wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?

Is he gone?

Yeah.

I didn't really have anywhere to go. I
just felt the moment called for an exit.

You know what? I don't blame him. I
stink. I dump me too.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't say that.

You're not the greatest keyboard player
in the world. Who cares?

You know what?

Maybe it's time you start concentrating
on your real talent. Yeah, like karaoke.

Nobody belts out the theme from Titanic
better than you.

Dana, I was talking about him being an
architect.

Don't focus on what you can't do.
Embrace the things you can do.

You are a bright, talented guy.

You know, Andy, you have a gift. Be
proud of that.

Aw, sweetie.

Hey, you know, I could use a hug, too. I
mean, I finally have a boyfriend, and

it's tainted by controversy.

Thank you. Yeah.

I appreciate the pep talk. I think I'll
be okay. Okay.

Oh, God.

is not forgiving.

Come on, Andy. Don't be mad. It isn't
personal.

Did you hurt me very deeply?

Yes. Am I a person? Yes.

Uh, personal.

Come on.

Does that mean you don't want to pick up
a burger with me, sit on the sidewalk,

and watch the chicks at the 1230 spin
class today? They painted the windows.

Besides, I have a lunch meeting today.

With who?

Daniel Back from Backheart Design.

What?

Yeah, they've been courting me for a
while, so I figured I'd see what they're

putting on the table.

Besides a donut.

I see, I see. This is payback time for
Jim, huh? You know what, Jim? For once,

this isn't about you, okay?

It's about me, Andy.

I'm a bright, talented guy. I have a
gift, and I should be proud of that.

Wait a minute.

Doesn't sound like you. Who you been
talking to?

Why would you assume that?

I'm a big boy. I can think for myself.

Cheryl!

All she did was remind me of my
potential. Great.

I specifically asked her never to do
that.

So what? So what are you going to do?

You're just going to move on to this
other job and just leave me hanging?

I don't know what I'm going to do.

But I don't think you're the kind of guy
that would want to stand in the way.

Are you?

I see.

Throwing my words back in my face, huh?

Huh?

Dana's idea. Dana.

You sold me out.

What?

You told Andy he was a great architect.
You built up his ego. You've undone all

my good work.

I was just being supportive.

Supportive? Yeah.

Cheryl, you're either his sister or my
wife. You can't be both.

Oh.

Come on now, look at now what you did.

He's thinking about taking on another
job.

Well, I don't know what you're so upset
about. I mean, you did what's good for

you. Why can't Andy do what's good for
him? Because it's not good for me.

Well, Jim, neither is bacon, but you eat
that every morning.

Cheryl, you eat yogurt. That's bacteria.

I hope you wash it down with a big glass
of soap.

I don't want to talk about breakfast.

Why? I'm winning the breakfast thing.

Jim, I don't know why you even care if
Andy gets another job. I mean, you could

always hire another architect. No, I
can't. Andy and I have a communication.

We've got this shorthand.

He gets me.

You know, I mean, I don't know if you
realize this or not, but I'm a little

difficult to get along with.

No, Jim, you're a constant delight.

Around the house and to you, but, you
know.

Listen, honey, let me ask you something.

What exactly does Andy mean to you?

Huh?

I mean, is he just a brother -in -law, a
co -worker?

Is he a friend?

He's my son.

Why do you have to make everything so
melodramatic?

Well, Jim, you know what? Andy would
know the answer to that question.

And just for your information, he called
20 minutes ago.

He turned down the offer for that job.

He did?

Yeah.

What is it with you and your family?
What are you, all saints?

Listen, honey.

I just think you need to figure out your
relationship with Andy.

I haven't even figured out my
relationship with you.

to get my keyboard?

What?

I'm quitting the band.

Yeah, you guys don't need me.

You should go for it.

I mean, we've all dreamt about that
garage door opening someday, right?

So I heard you turned down a job offer.

Yeah.

I decided I like going to work every day
and sitting across from my friend.

That'd be you.

Makes me happy, and you can't buy that
kind of happiness.

Yeah, you can.

They low -balled me. Uh -huh.

Well, I decided that we're not going to
do the gig.

What? Yeah.

It just wouldn't be the same, you know?

I mean, you're part of the group, and
he's not.

Yeah, but he's really good, Jim. Yeah,
he's so good, and he makes the rest of

the band sound bad.

Really? Yeah, well, I mean, especially
if we're, you know, John and Chris and

Tony, you know.

And look, you know, Eddie plays, and
then Eddie leaves and hangs out with

You know, but you, when you're here, we
have a couple beers, and, you know, we

hang out, we talk. Then I stay for
dinner and then watch TV, maybe play a

of Boggle or Riz. Yeah, and it gets
late, and then I tell you you got to go

home. And I look at my watch and say,
where'd the time go? And act all

surprised, good times, good times.

I'm just not the same with any.

And, you know, I could have, you know, I
could have told you sooner. You know, I

could have talked to you about the
thing. I owe that to you because you're,

know.

Are you saying I'm your friend?

You're not wearing a wire, are you?

quitting the band, eh?

Well, I won't on two conditions.

First, I insist you guys play that gig
with Eddie.

Yes!

I mean, you know, whatever you think,
Andy.

But I want free tickets, front row
seats, and all the dirty martinis a fat

can knock back.

conditions. Nope, that's my first
condition with three subsets.

Here's my second. The name Funky Wizard
stays.

I would rather spend my weekends
watching the Antique Roadshow than call

band Funky Wizards.

It's good to have you back.

Hello, Maybelline.

Daddy's home.

I can blues that up. You better.

One, two, three, four.