Original subtitles

Okay.

That's it. Give it a try.

Ooh. Uh -huh. See that, Andy?

Making magic for 112 bucks.

Check the balls.

Ooh.

Ah.

Ooh.

Best part of Christmas.

Third year in a row and they still don't know.

So

he's

gorgeous, an amazing dresser, and his office is right next to mine.

Gay. And married.

Cheryl, can you give me a hand? I got dog crap on my shoe. Look at that. Cary

Grant's home.

Oh, okay. Honey, honey, please, outside.

It was so weird. I thought it was frozen like the other ones I was kicking.

I smell Christmas cookies.

Yeah. Give me one, give me one. And they're not for you. They're for Marilyn

Cranis.

Marilyn Krannis? Yes. As in Mrs. Al Krannis? Yes.

Cheryl, we do not talk to those people.

Come on, not this again. Would you let it go?

I don't even remember what started your stupid feud with Al. 1997, April 2nd. Al

Lloyd Krannis was redoing his driveway. He took the excess tar and dumped it in

the street. I tracked it in the house. You yelled at me.

Fourth of July that following year, I celebrated our nation's birthday by

putting a bottle rocket in his mailbox. You yelled at me.

Then that coming spring, Cranes' dog defecated on our front lawn.

I respond in kind.

And you really, really yelled at me. All right, all right. 1999.

Honey, honey, honey, I get it.

I get it.

But Marilyn and I are friends, and we think the two of you are acting like

babies. Oh, what do you know? Hey, hey.

Who do you care?

I know what this is about.

You want to get invited to Karina's stupid Christmas party, don't you? Yes,

do. I do, and it's not stupid, Jim.

Every year I have to listen to it across the street, the caroling, the laughter,

the conviviality. And then I have to hear about it from all the neighbors,

just have to nod and smile.

Well, I'm tired of it. It hurts my neck and my face.

Slow down, Cheryl. I think he's still stuck on conviviality.

Great. Great.

So you turn on your own husband, me, and you bake cookies with ingredients that

I paid for just to get invited to some stupid party. Or shall I call it the

party of betrayal?

Oh, honey.

Oh, come on in.

Hello, Cheryl.

Oh, you look younger every day. Now, what is your secret? Well.

Good lovin'.

What do you want, Krannus? Oh, to spend as little time as possible talking to

you. Do you know what this is?

The worst ventriloquist act I've ever seen.

Then I guess I need a better dummy. Are you available?

Wait, wait, wait. Is this the head of one of your wise men?

Uh -huh.

Apparently someone knocked it off when they backed their red truck into my

nativity scene.

I'm sure it was just an accident.

That's because you put your gaudy display too close to the curb, which, by

way, the city owns. You don't own.

You owe me a new wise man.

I don't owe you anything. You know that? In fact, the more I think about it, you

owe me.

For what? For the last two minutes you've stolen from my life.

Imagine trying to put a price on that. Oh, oh, oh, that's a good one.

off my zinger.

I was going to say price on that. I'll give you a price on that.

Shut up!

No, we're never going to get invited to their Christmas party.

Who needs Krannus?

We can have our own party right here without the unpleasantness of guests.

Oh, honey.

Come on. I really want to go to that party. You know what?

I think you could be the bigger man and you can go and apologize to Krannus.

Huh?

Huh?

No way.

No, no, I've put too much into this feud to let it end.

Besides, Easter's coming up, and in the spirit of the holiday, I'm going to give

him an Easter bunny that he thinks is chocolate.

Hands have gotten a little snug.

Amazing how the fabric shrinks just hanging in the closet all year.

All right, you're all set. Go change.

So you're going to play Santa for the senior center this year? If you've got a

better way to get 40 widows to sit on my lap, I'm a leers.

Hey, Al, Marilyn, come in.

Al has something he'd like to say to you. Al?

Yes, Marilyn and I would be delighted if you and your whole family, including

Jim, would come to our annual Christmas bash.

Oh, that's... Great, we'll bring wine. See you there. Hold it, hold it.

What's with the about face, Cranus?

Oh, just my way of saying apology accepted.

Well, that takes care of that. See you at the party.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What apology?

Well, you did buy me a new wise man.

Surprisingly big of you.

You didn't!

Oh, honey, it was the right thing to do.

You see, this is why they don't have women in the army.

Not women in the army.

They do?

Grannis, I didn't buy you anything. Oh, really? In fact, I wouldn't give

you a piece of gum if your face were bleeding.

What? You heard.

Then I will take that as an ill -conceived and poorly executed insult.

That's right, pal. That's exactly what it was.

Jim. Can I rescind my invitation to you? Al, please, don't do this.

All right, all right, Marilyn.

Cheryl, you and the rest of your family are welcome. Oh, thank you. What should

we bring? Just yourselves.

Jim, however, should bring an apology if he wishes to join the festivities.

Oh, I'll give you an apology. You want to hear an apology?

See that, Cheryl?

First the zinger, then slam the door.

I can't believe it. You're

actually going to go to Kranus' party without me, aren't you? Yes, I am.

Well, you know what, Cheryl?

I'm having a cutlery sale 50 % off every knife in my back.

Go ahead.

Oh, come on.

Look, I wish you were coming with us.

me on the dress -up shoes.

A very merry one and all.

Hey, oh, look at you guys. You look great. You too.

Thank you. Are you ready to go? Yeah. Hey, Cheryl, thanks for inviting me. You

know, Christmas can be such a vulnerable and lonely time for some people. Oh, I

know, honey. Yeah.

And those sorry losers are going to be lining up to meet you now. Oh.

Daddy, where are you coming with us?

Oh, honey, I'm, uh, I got a bunch of Christmas stuff to do.

You go have some fun, all right?

Bye, Daddy.

Bye, honey. Bye, sweetheart.

Bye. Oh.

Jim, if you change your mind, I'll jot down directions.

Andy, it's across the street.

No, on how to apologize.

Hey -oh!

Get out of here.

There's nothing you're going to do there that I can't do here by myself.

Ah.

This party.

Mr. Toe.

I forgot my scarf.

We were going to stay so tight.

We were going to stay so

tight.

Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us. God bless us, everyone.

A merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us.

God bless us. A merry Christmas to us all, my dears.

Feliz Navidades a todos nosotros, mis queridos. Que Dios nos bendiga.

Dios nos bendiga a todos.

Five golden rings.

Five golden rings.

Five golden rings. Five golden rings.

Five golden rings.

After she dumped me, she got sick, and my car broke down.

Oh, that's terrible.

What kind of car?

It's my mom's.

Who wants punch? I do. I'll get it. Bye.

I'm telling you, you cannot make those Buckingham...

Dallas guards laugh.

Believe me, I've tried.

He even made his crazy face.

Do it, Al. All right.

Stop, Al.

Stop. I'm going to wet my pants.

Who wants to see our new kitchen?

I hear she has Internet access in her refrigerator.

What?

I don't know.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, look at you. You've been good boys and girls this year.

Well, then why don't you go over there and grab Santa a cold beer from the ice

bucket?

Oh, this is fantastic. I didn't know the wife hired Santa.

Huh? Yeah. So, uh, what's the damage?

Oh.

An hour.

An hour. Three hour minimum.

Okay.

There you are.

Mill about and be jolly, whatever you people do.

Thanks, sucker.

Merry Christmas.

Can anyone here tell Santa what the final score of the Blackhawks game was?

in overtime.

Oh, no.

Santa had 50 bucks on that game.

Hi, Santa.

Oh, my girls, Ruby and Gracie.

You know our names?

Oh, yeah. Santa knows everything.

You know how much the sun weighs?

You got to see it to hear. You really want to talk about that?

Okay, I want a Timmy Talks a Lot doll.

You got it. How about you, baby?

I want a pony.

Okay, I'm hearing two Timmy Talks a Lot dolls.

Does it talk a lot?

Yes, it talks nonstop, just like your mommy.

Merry Christmas, my lovely girls.

Oh, yes.

Are you allowed to drink beer, Santa?

What are you, a cop?

It's great. Except I got my obnoxious brother -in -law working for me.

Favor to my sister.

Hey, Kringle, take a hike. I'm this close to pay dirt.

It's your obnoxious brother -in -law.

Jim? Is that my costume?

Relax.

No, no.

Please, please, tell me you're not wearing my unitard under there.

Oh, Jim.

Oh, shrimp, come back to papa here.

I'm scared.

You're getting in that cheese sauce.

Oh, great. Just like Grannis to put the good stuff far in the back.

We've got to clean this off. I'm warning you.

This doesn't come out. I'm throwing such a hissy thing. Oh, I'm so scared.

All right, all right. Easy. Take it easy, will you?

No, no, no. Not in the sink. You'll clog the drain.

What are we supposed to do?

To the toilet.

What? Yeah.

Toilet.

Reminds me of high school.

Remind me to leave Marilyn a note.

Will you take it easy?

Oh, my God, it's gone.

I'll get you a new one.

It's a $300 beard.

I'm not going to pay $300.

Okay, all right. I'm out of here. No!

No, no, no. Can you create a spine me here?

It's a mess.

Oh, wow, that's too bad.

Did you polish the silver?

If not me, then who, Cheryl?

Hey, honey, do you know where that space heater is?

Space heater? Why do you need a space heater?

Well, because you're moving the party out to the Krenz garage.

Garage? Yeah.

Oh, Cheryl, you can't have a party in a garage.

Honey, you really don't get it, do you?

Honey, it doesn't matter where we have the party. We just want to...

Stay together and celebrate.

That's what Christmas is all about.

So,

space heater.

Just wait here for a minute.

Oh, my God. The spices are in alphabetical order.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a

white horse open sleigh. Hey! Hey!

Oh,

Jim, Jim, old man.

Jim, old man.

Damn fine.

Damn fine gesture.

Having us all over again. I believe I owe you an apology. And it's not just

eggnog talking. It's the bourbon in the eggnog.

Krennis. Apology accepted.

And, you know, sending over your plumber in the middle of the holidays, that's

first rate. Just first rate.

Don't mention it, Krennis.

You know, this time of year, Greenberg's just sitting around anyway.

Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Oh, Al.

Hey, honey.

Guess what? Your plumber called.

Yeah. He did. He found the problem.

He did?

Yeah. Apparently, Apparently, a Santa's beard got caught in the pipes.

That is so weird.

Isn't it? You know what else is weird? When I told Andy, he got scared and ran

upstairs.

And it got me thinking. I did it.

Yeah, so you were the Santa who told Ruby and Grace they could have Tammy

lot, doll?

Yeah. You do know they're $89 a piece.

What?

Why don't we take that outside?

Okay.

Anyway, I shouldn't have just run off like that. I mean, it doesn't matter

kind of car you drive, right?

So anyway, what do you do?

They test drugs on me.

All right.

So why did you finally decide to go to the party?

Well, I don't know.

I just...

I don't know.

Could it be that you wanted to be around people at Christmas?

No.

I wanted to be with you.

I wanted to be with my family.

Oh, honey.

Wouldn't it have been easier to just apologize to Krannus? No.

Just because it's Christmas, it doesn't mean I'm a different guy.

Oh, honey.

I got news for you. You are a different guy.

You opened her home to all those neighbors, most of whom don't even like

And now, because of Christmas, they get to see the great guy I see all year

round.

All because of stupid wise men.

What?

You said stupid wise men.

God help us, everyone.

Oh.

Close enough.

It's snowing.

And Karina's just threw up on the tree.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Good tidings to you wherever you are.

Good tidings for Christmas.

We wish you a Merry Christmas.