All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s02e08_father_disfigure

No, it won't, honey. I promise.

Yes, it will.

It will hurt bad.

Mommy!

Gracie's just kidding.

Aren't you, Gracie?

Yes, I'm kidding.

All right, we're going to do it on
three. Ready?

One.

Two.

Are you sure you're ready?

Daddy, let's do it.

want him to see the bears like this.

Daddy, I thought you were coming to
church with us today. No, God needs me

Daddy, does God like the bears?

Not like he used to.

Good morning. Hey, Tim, you wearing your
fancy boxers to church today?

Oh, you're just mad because I can look
so fine for a buck ninety -nine.

I wish you'd come to church. You're
going to love the new minister. He's

and funny. He's a real regular guy.

She ain't lying, Tex.

This guy's the real deal. You'd be crazy
to miss... Whoa, the bears are on?

I thought they were the late game. No!

Andy, what are you doing?

I don't want to get cheese doodles on my
church pants.

Come with us. I swore, honey, you're
going to thank us when you meet the new

reverend. Cheryl, if God wanted me in
church right now, he would give me a

Touchdown, Philadelphia.

It's Philadelphia 37, Bears 3, the Bears
again.

Good for me. Let's go.

The point is, how many of us here really
know God?

Why do you keep squirming?

I've got a doodle in my pants.

Maybe the bigger question here is, how
many of us would just pass him by

so much as a nod?

I know this guy from somewhere. I've
seen him before or something. Reverend

Pearson? Yeah.

Pearson.

Pearson.

Pearson. No, Jim.

Please. Time out. Time out. Time out?
There is no time out in dodgeball.

I

mean,

his lip was swollen for like three
weeks.

He looked like a bird.

And some jerk, you know, I can't
remember who it was, gave him the

Beaky.

Beaky? Yeah, that's pretty funny.
Thanks.

Cheryl, hi. How are you, Dana? How are
you? Hi, kids.

It's nice to see you guys, as always.
That was quite a sermon. Yeah, I think

talked a lot of people out of hell
today.

I've got a meaning to ask you about
the...

Church's toddler program, you know? I
feel like Kyle's been on the waiting

for a really long time.

Oh, I see.

And you think the waiting list is for
the other people's children.

I'm just joking.

No, actually, I heard there's an
opening. We'd love to have Kyle. Oh,

can't thank you enough.

You hit a minister with a dodgeball.

Keep bad mojo.

If I were you, I'd go over there and
apologize.

For what?

There are no timeouts in dodgeball.

Well, I'm just going to hang here until
it's time to go.

Jim. Yeah, right here.

Sorry,

these arms are too short to box with
God.

Pearson. Reverend Pearson, this is my
husband, Jim.

Jim, hi.

It's nice to finally meet you. You know,
we were starting to think that Cheryl

here was a single mom.

Nice to finally meet you, too. I mean,
because we've never met before.

Right. Right.

Reverend Pearson, we'd love to have you
over for dinner sometime.

Oh, well, that... Oh, wait a second. You
guys aren't cannibals, are you?

I did some missionary work in the
Amazon. I gotta ask that.

Isn't he funny? Well, yeah, but bear in
mind, we just met.

Listen, can you talk to your boss about
getting the Bears in the playoffs?

I don't think you have to worry about
the Bears.

Word is they just came back and won 42
to 38.

I missed it.

Damn it.

I mean, no.

Fuck Shanahan.

Is there any way I can take that part of
your brain that loves football and give

it to Cheryl?

Yeah, but then she'd also be repulsed by
you.

Did you see that?

Cheryl, can you get it? I'm sitting.

Oh.

Oh, no.

I was just in the neighborhood greeting
lepers.

I'm just joking.

Is this a bad time? Can I come in?
Please come in. This is great. Come in.

Turn down the TV. Get your eyes off the
table. Honey, go make sure Daddy's

flushed.

Look,

everybody. It's Reverend Pearson.

Yes. Good to see you for the second
time.

man a chili dog? Yeah, the Reverend
doesn't want a chili dog.

You know, actually, I would love a chili
dog. You know what they say about

ministers who eat chili dogs? They have
to sit in their own pew.

Sit down, sit down, man, sit down,
please.

Well, you know, it's really refreshing
to see people that don't take that whole

body is a temple thing too seriously.

of all sorts of sports.

Baseball, basketball, football,
dodgeball.

Oh, sweet mother of God!

Hey,

you know what I think is an underrated
sport?

The one where the Scottish guys throw
the trees.

Yeah, I like the semen.

Okay, let's cut the crap, Jim.

You know who I am.

Yes. Yes.

Yes what?

Yes.

Beaky.

Beaky. What a confidence builder

for an awkward 12 -year -old boy
confused about the changes taking place

body.

You know, it started as Beaky.

But then, overnight, it changed to
Freaky Beaky.

Kids are clever that way. They like to
build on a theme.

You know, nobody wanted to be friends
with Freaky Beaky.

Nobody wanted to date Freaky Beaky.

And nobody wanted to kiss Freaky Beaky.

Yeah, but look at it now.

I mean, here we are years later,
laughing.

eating chili dogs.

Life's funny, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it's funny.

It's funny how you can be up there
preaching about love and forgiveness and

see the person who caused you so much
humiliation.

And then suddenly, all the anger starts
to flood back in until all you want to

do is just jump down off that pulpit and
rip out his still beating heart.

I will never forgive you for what you
did to me that day, Jim.

Never.

I think you have to.

You're a minister. That's your job.

Yeah, you know, actually, I thought
about that. And guess what? I'm not

What?

You're gonna pay for what you did to me,
Jim.

How can you? Oh, look at this. Oh, what
a perfect Sunday treat.

I put the cheese on it in the shape of a
cross so you'd feel more at home.

Ooh, delicioso.

Even with the vulgar religious symbolism
there.

Well, you know, I probably should get
going, but this was really fun. Maybe

we'll make this a weekly event. Like
hell you will.

Jim! Oh, it's okay. You know, I actually
like a strangely dark sense of humor.

I don't get it, but I like it.

Okay. I'll see you guys next week in
church. Okay. Jim, you'll be there,

Fat chance, nut job.

Where's the off switch on this guy?

Hi, Raymond. Okay.

Thanks for stopping by.

Fat chance, nut job?

Hit him if you call the timeout.

There are no timeouts in dodgeball.

I told you that.

Still, you shouldn't have hit him.

Well, maybe he could have dodged the
ball.

Timeout.

Like my grandfather would call timeout
on the beaches of Normandy.

Jim, he was there on a bus tour in 1965.

Jim, would you at least try to talk to
him? Come on, he's weirder than a $5

bill.

newer ones where the presidents have
giant heads.

I'm telling you, this guy is out to get
me.

Jim. He is.

Honey, he's a minister. What do you
think he's going to do?

I don't know.

Frogs, locusts, they got a bag of
tricks, those guys.

Hey, what's wrong with this chili? It's
turkey chili.

It's begun.

This is she.

Oh, no, no. There must be some mistake.

No, because Reverend Pearson told me...
He did?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, bye.

What? What's that? What?

That was the church.

Kyle just got kicked out of the toddler
program.

Thanks, Jim. Thanks for being such a
rotten little kid.

Come on, what's the big deal?

Kyle can pick his nose and eat paste
anywhere.

No, no, no, Jim.

This toddler program feeds into Hill
Ridge Preschool, and kids from Hill

get on the list of Sacred Cross Academy,
which consistently places graduates in

Ivy League schools.

Cheryl, I think you're getting a little
ahead of yourself here.

I mean, come on, Kyle's still crapping
his pants.

Oh, I just can't believe this.

I worked so hard to make this happen.

Silence is where you want me to say I'm
going to make it better, isn't it?

All right. I'll talk to him next Sunday.
Thank you, honey.

All right.

Tell me where the rule book is. What
rule book? You know, the religious one,

Bible.

There are a lot of good stories in there
about compassion and forgiveness. I'm

going to find every one of them and cram
them down his throat.

I'll give you five bucks if you touch
that lady's hair.

Five bucks.

Five bucks just to touch it.

reading today comes from Isaiah chapter
40, verse 1.

I'm sorry, folks, I can't go on.

Jim,

would you please stand?

Don't worry, I am prepared. I read the
whole thing, even the Jewish part.

Jim and I went to school together and
Well, he injured me during a dodgeball

game, even though I called a timeout.
There are no timeouts in dodgeball!

you!

Anyway, I took my anger out on his
family, and that was wrong.

And, well, I've done a lot of soul
-searching this last week, and I still

forgive him.

And a man of God who can't forgive...

He's not a man of God at all.

So I think it's probably best for
everybody here if I just step down as

pastor.

That's it. We're out of here.

Jim, for God's sake, say something.

Okay.

Um...

Okay, let's have a show of hands here.

How many people believe that there are
no timeouts in dodgeball?

Hey, Margie, I'll see you at the bake
sale.

Daddy, why is everybody mad at you this
time?

Well, a long time ago, I played
dodgeball with the Reverend Pearson.

I'm really good at dodgeball. Other boys
are afraid of her because she aims for

their boy parts.

Well, that's not nice on him.

Although, very good strategy.

Anyway, I hit him with the ball.

And I hurt him a little bit.

And he's still mad at me.

I mean, I was just a kid, and that's
what kids do.

I could draw a star.

Where are you, Gracie?

You know, I was hit hundreds of times by
a dodgeball.

I never held a grudge. I just threw the
ball back.

He should do that.

What? He should throw the ball at you.

There's a ball at the playground.

more complicated than that i mean we're
both grown men and uh do you think it

would work yeah

Settle our differences.

Okay, well, if we're dueling, I'll
choose Bibles at dawn.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Nail me with it.

Come on, come on, nail me with it. Oh,
come on, Jim. That's like something a

-year -old would come up with.

Look, go ahead and hate me, all right?

But if everybody who hated me quit their
jobs, this city would grind to a halt.

Jim, I'm sorry. Could you please leave,
okay? I'm kind of busy here, all right?

A man accumulates a lot of memories in
three weeks.

I've done some thinking, too, in this
last week.

And, uh...

As you not knowing the rules.

Okay, come on. I'm opening up here, man.
I'm doing my best. Come and at least

meet me seven -eighths of the way.

Well, keep going. I'm not sure you've
done your full eight yet.

Well, I just wish that we could go back
to that moment and I could

make it better.

So, you mean you wouldn't hit me?

I'd nail you.

But instead of laughing, you know, I
probably would have walked over to you

helped you up and asked if you were
okay.

Now, I know it's 30 years too late, but
are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

You don't want to really leave, do you?

I do love this congregation.

Oh, they love you, too.

I mean, my wife, I've never seen her
more excited about a guy who is not

Crowe.

You know, I actually get that a lot. I
think it's the beard and the shoulders

and the moldering masculinity.

Please stay.

Okay.

But I'm just doing it because I want to
get close to your wife.

I'm joking.

Okay.

So I'm going to see you around, right?

Right. Good.

You know, I'm so used to calling.

What is your real name, first name?

for the 5 o 'clock service.