Original subtitles

Lassies, are you ready to do some trigger treating?

Yay!

Yes! Honey, where's the Halloween candy?

Huh? Huh?

Honey, I called you this morning. I asked you to do Halloween candy. Honey,

call puts it on the radar. Two calls makes it sneak in.

Honey, I don't have any candy in the house, and kids are going to be here any

minute.

Let's go, Melanie.

Yes, sir!

my little Dracula.

You, my saucy wench.

I'll be back for you.

Come on, you bum!

Jim!

What? What are we gonna do?

Okay.

For the fairy princess, we have some meatloaf and some three -bean salad for

rabbit and for the mummy, spicy gazpacho.

Okay, happy Halloween.

Okay, bye bye.

What do you want from me?

Hey, did you help the girls get dressed for school?

Yes, I did. Did you brush their teeth? Yes, I did.

Round in circles like the dentist said, not back and forth?

Sure, what do you care? They're going to lose those teeth anyway.

And yet you still comb your hair.

What the...

Carol?

Did you unplug this?

Yeah, I need it to plug in my new face steamer. Why didn't you just use your

plug on your side of the sink?

Because I need that for my hairdryer and my toothbrush.

Cheryl, you know what? We used to have two separate sides of the sink, and then

one day your face cream made it over here, and I didn't say anything because

was trying to be a good neighbor.

But I should have said something then, because now I'm just drowning in

exfoliants and scrubs and nose strips and this. Look, look.

What is this?

When did my soap turn pink?

So a few of my things made it over to your side of the sink.

Honey, it's not just the sink.

Come here. I want to show you something.

Oh, honey, you're already showing me something. Pull up your boxers.

Honey, we're ready for school.

Honey.

What? This is what you dress them in for school?

What? They're pretty girls. Show it off a little bit.

All right, guys, go get your ceiling. You look beautiful, girls. You do. Just

beautiful. Honey.

Look.

Okay. Now, you see this here? Yeah. Look.

Your clothes have made it past the half -court line into my space.

Well, honey, if we just had a normal -sized closet like everybody else in the

neighborhood. Okay, there you go again comparing us to the neighbors.

Oh, my closet's too small. I need a new couch. I want smoke detectors.

Remember when we moved into this house? I had a whole room to myself. I had a

foosball table, I had a dartboard, a mini fridge. Well, and then we had kids,

and they needed some place to sleep.

Great. You get knocked up, I gotta suffer.

Come on, Jim.

What? Well, it's very simple.

I have more clothes. I need more closet space, therefore... What do you mean,

therefore? What's with the lawyer talk?

Look, I am a man.

and I want my space, and you're trying to take it away, just like all women do.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the basketball courts, the Senate floor, outer space, all

men's places that women have taken over.

You know, maybe you shouldn't have given us the right to vote.

Well, it's too late to put that genie back in a bottle.

Fine. You can have the outlet back.

On your side of the bathroom. And you know what else? You know what else?

I want you to keep your clothes out of my side of the closet.

Even though you don't need it?

Especially because I don't need it.

All right, fine.

I'll get rid of a few things.

Good. Yeah.

Hey, does this mean I'm going to be lying down the middle of the bed, too?

Yes.

But, you know, we'll be like Canada. A lot of free trade going back and forth.

Keep her, Bob.

This is never going to work. Everything looks good on me.

I know. I have that, too.

Look, you obviously don't want to do this. Why don't you just keep the

Dana, you don't understand. You're single. Marriage is compromise.

I promised Jim I'd get rid of a few things.

Cheryl, could you be any more hung up on making your marriage work?

You know, I can do this. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to turn around.

And you're going to take all these clothes and take them to Goodwill. And

matter what I say, you keep going.

Okay.

All right, you know what? I kind of changed my mind.

Yeah, you know what?

Totally never mind.

needs more space.

Jim, what about your space?

I mean, come on, you're stuck in this house all day, kids hanging off you, you

know, no privacy.

At least think of a hamster a wheel to run around on.

Maybe you're right. Darn right I'm right. There are more women on this

than men, and it's time we start taking what's ours. We're gonna start with your

closet.

What? I'm gonna do it. I'm keeping everything in that pile, and you know

else? I might buy a belt.

That's my Z -snap.

Oh, I love that.

Try it on, Mama. Okay.

Well, it's not for everyone.

Did you kill the spider?

Yes, you baby.

Come on, flush it, flush it.

Flush it. What is it with you and spiders?

It's a phobia everybody has.

It feels like they're one about being naked in public.

Cheryl?

Cheryl? Yeah.

Cheryl.

Why are there more of your clothes on my side of the closet than there were this

morning?

Yeah, well.

I heard what you said today about, you know, needing more space, and you're

right, I do.

Yeah, so are we shopping?

Cheryl, this is not the kind of disobedience that makes me hot.

Okay? Em, you don't need more space. You have tons of space. You have a whole

office you go to. That's my work. That's my office. That doesn't count.

Well, okay, okay. What about the band? You spend a lot of time in the garage.

Yeah, the point is I don't have tons of space in what little space I have.

You're invading. I mean, everything, everything in this house is yours. No,

It's ours. It's part of our joyous commitment to spend our lives together.

Ours? Ours?

There's not one thing in this room that I'd pick. Not one thing. Look. Anything

there? No. Anything here? No.

Bonsai tree?

Yours. Dust ruffle?

Yours. Duvet?

Yours. And the fact that I even know those words makes my skin crawl.

But you know what? That's not a bonsai. That's a token. I don't want to know. I

don't want to know what it's called.

Cheryl, come on. I wanted to put some of my things in here, but you said they

didn't go with anything.

Jim, you wanted to put up a set of bullhorns with Mexico written on it.

I had a theme in mind, Cheryl.

Well, Jim, I'm going to take up as much of that closet as I need, and you can

just deal with it.

That's my Z -snap. Oh.

Cheryl, I will not be denied my space because that's

what men need. And make no mistake about that.

I am a man.

There's another spider in the room.

Cheryl, you want to get that?

Sprucing up our room a little bit.

Hey, Cheryl, check this out.

You temporarily stored it for seven years.

Honey, it's so great.

You know what we can do? We can soak the carpet in beer and we'll turn it into a

frat house.

Yeah, we can call it I'm a Mega Jackass.

Ooh, you get on the board for that one.

Hey, Jim, where do you want this?

Oh. I don't know. Why don't we ask Cheryl because this is her room, too.

Cheryl, where's the funniest place to put this?

The funniest place?

Yeah.

All right,

get this junk out of here. What do you mean?

What? Come on, I've been living with your stuff for the last seven years. I

think it's time for a little change of pace.

Unless you have a problem with that.

Give this message to the sisterhood that men all over the country are going to

take their space back.

bucks as you lose.

Well, well, well. Look at that.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

I wasn't expecting this for another couple days.

What do you mean?

Cheryl only makes spaghetti and meatballs when she is utterly broken and

defeated. You see, Cheryl is speaking to me through the food.

And nothing says you win.

I'm no match for your twisted genius, you six -foot sex machine like spaghetti

and meatballs.

All right, let's go.

Oh, hold on.

of spaghetti and meatballs has officially changed to Up Yours.

Cheryl, what is going on here? What did you do to the garage?

Oh, honey, don't worry. We're only halfway through the standing exercise.

Grab a mat. Come on, join in.

A mat?

Cheryl, I have band practice here in 20 minutes.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. You're going to have to find somewhere else to practice

because we got here first.

I put up a sign -up sheet to avoid any ugliness. There's still some socks left.

Hey, Jim, there's a 3 a .m. window. Should we jump on it?

Cheryl. Yeah.

I thought this was over.

I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

Spaghetti and meatballs. You know, if you two guys had a tall, skinny friend,

that could be your nickname.

Elsa, do you mind ruining our cheese?

Cheryl, you're barking at the big dog now.

went up and done it. Right.

Hey.

Hey. What's going on? Everything's back the way it was.

Oh, yeah, I was thinking about my chi, which I know is the vital life force of

the body.

And, uh, I think it's a little out of whack.

I don't want to fight anymore.

You win?

Jim, you up to something?

Oh, yeah, Cheryl. I'm full of chicanery.

Do you find that word in your looking -up cheat?

I was thinking about the attic.

Yeah? It's nice up there.

I was thinking maybe I could make the attic my personal space.

Oh! I mean, unless you want to share it with me. No, no!

That's a great idea. It's all yours.

Just mine?

Yeah, yeah. It'll be like your clubhouse.

Yeah. No girls allowed.

Whatever you want, sweetie. My gift to you.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

One, two, three, four.

Jim!

I'm sassy.

Cheryl,

you know what?

If you have a problem, don't send Daniel Steele up here to do your dirty work.

Hey, Tony, come on down. Bathroom's open.

Oh, good. Here.

Oh, thank you.

Daniel Steele.

She speaks to me.

practice in the garage, but, you know, the sign -up sheet was full.

False alarm.

Let's read.

Hey, Jim, what time's the party?

Wait, wait, wait.

You're having a party?

Well, just kind of a housewarming. You know, I mean, good friends, good

conversation, fondue. Fondue? Oh, we're having fondue? We're having fondue!

You are not doing this.

Watch me, baby.

Jim?

I can't see anything.

you've been fighting for?

This is your special place?

Yes.

But, honey, all you got up here is a folding chair and your stupid sign.

Cheryl, it's not about what's up there. It's about what's not up there.

What are you talking about?

Cheryl, when you were a kid, did you ever have a place that you could go to

was just yours?

Yeah. My dad built me a clubhouse that had a chimney and a doorbell, and it had

this dining room set with this china.

For those of us who weren't millionaires.

You know, we had to improvise.

My Uncle Paul, he had this great restaurant. You know, it was two

And I used to go there once in a while, you know.

And he had a dumbwaiter that went, you know, from the first to the second

And I was just the right size where I could crawl in the dumbwaiter.

And I could pull on the rope.

And I'd go right between the floors.

And right there, there was a crawl thing.

I used to put my candy there, my comics.

My little army men.

And when I sat there, I could shut out the whole world.

And for that moment, I could just relax and be myself.

I know I'm older now and I'm married and I got responsibilities, but I still

need that dumbwaiter.

I still need that place that's just mine.

You're going to be up there all the time?

I don't know.

I just need to know that it's there.

Okay, sweetie.

But, you know, honey, it's just, it's so empty up there. I mean, there's a

braided rug in the garage. No.

What about a table? No.

Well, honey, maybe I could just... No decorating. No make it comfy.

No, you're not even allowed up there. Don't even look.

Okay, sweetie.

Thank you. I'll call you for dinner. Okay.

Okay, honey. Yeah.

Did you check... for spiders.

Huh?

Well, I'm just thinking when you fall through the ceiling, you probably

their nest, and that really makes them mad.

I think I'll help you with dinner.

I got every last spider.

Are you sure?

You got them all. Trust me.

I took no prisoners.

Great. Thanks, Andy. No problem.

in the stone eyes.