Original subtitles

Sam, I need you to go to the store and pick up these things for me.

Honey, I can't right now. I'm playing with the kids.

Oh, really?

And what are you playing?

Oh, I'm playing this game called Sleeping... Give me that.

No, hold it, hold it, hold it. No way.

I don't go down that aisle, honey.

If those things really have wings, let them fly to the house on their own.

Jim, for God's sake, let him in.

No, no, no, not yet. Not yet. Another 28 seconds and we got free pizza.

Jim, we do this every time. You know if we don't pay him, it comes right out of

Ronnie's pocket.

Don't you ever get tired of caring for other people?

And look, besides, it's built into their overhead. It's like hotels.

They expect you to steal towels and TVs.

Hey, Ronnie, come on in.

Hey, you know what time it is? I got.

Quarter till free.

Okay, it's free. I don't care.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What kind of game is that?

That's not our game.

The game is I say I want the pizza free, and you give me a dirty look and

threaten to pee in the bushes. That's the fun stuff.

I don't really feel like it. What's the matter?

I just got in a big fight with my old man.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, he wants me to go to college, and I don't want to go.

Oh, well, no big deal.

Well, we're barely speaking.

Yeah, that happens, you know.

He's closing the pizzeria.

What?

He figures, why bust this up if he doesn't have to pay tuition, so... You

stop him. I mean, my family moved in this neighborhood for two reasons. Great

schools and speedy Tony's Pizzeria.

And personally, I don't care about the schools.

Rodney, why don't you want to go to college?

I want to be a stand -up comic. Oh, yikes.

Jim. No, no, no, no, no. That's great. There's a big shortage of them.

Hey, hey, hey. You know what I always thought was funny?

What if dogs could talk?

I mean, what would they say?

You can have that.

But... I married her for her looks.

I married him for his money.

I win.

Okay, Ronnie, here you go. I hope things work out.

Thanks. Bye, Ronnie.

And if you want to catch my act, you know I'm at Monty's Comedy Cave every

Friday night. Oh, that sounds great.

I'll give you directions.

Oh, that's all right. It's a cave. People are laughing. We'll find it.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, it's so sad, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, what's going on between Ronnie and his dad?

Oh, yeah, fathers and sons. What are you going to do?

Well, I think you could relate, considering what happened between you

dad.

Oh, my God, Cheryl.

Why does everything have to be about something else?

Believe it or not, sometimes a father can walk out on his 11 -year -old son

the kid is okay with it.

Okay, Jim. Okay. Hey, why don't we stuff our feelings with some pizza?

Okay, girls. What do you love more than anything?

Pizza! What kind of pizza?

Free pizza!

Free pizza!

Okay, that's more test pizza that you believe. Chimney's, Adelo's, and crust

the earth.

Crust of the earth. Sounds healthy.

Yeah. Tofu toppings.

Toss it.

Are you telling me, Jim, that not one of these pizzas is as good as Speedy

Tony's? Not necessarily.

What I'm telling you.

I like this one, Daddy. Me too.

What do you guys know? You eat your own boogers.

This is terrible.

All of a sudden you have a sensitive palate. I've seen you eat a jar of

mayonnaise.

That was Miracle Whip and I won ten bucks.

And diarrhea for a week and a half.

I love that you share our family.

I don't think this is fair at all. Why should I have to suffer? Because Ronnie

and his father can't work things out.

This is just like that movie, Billy Elliot.

Remember when the kid wants to dance and the father's against it?

Didn't anyone see it? I saw Stuart Little. I saw Snow Dog.

I saw Stuart Little and Snow Dog.

Hey, Tony.

That's me.

We're here or to go?

Well, I'll take you to a large to go and I'll have a medium while I'm waiting.

It's a nice place you got here, Tony. Word on the street is that you're

Where'd you hear that?

On the street.

I heard it from your son, Ronnie.

You know my Ronnie? Oh, yeah, yeah. I know Ronnie. He's a good kid.

Hey, Tony, I got to tell you, I really love your pizza. I mean, it just fills

heart with joy and probably a lot of other bad stuff, but it's worth it.

I just want to know, what can I do to help you keep this place open?

You can get my kid to go to college.

But he doesn't want to go to college. He wants to be a stand -up comic.

Stand -up comic.

really spit on the dough just then.

Well, that's your secret. Feel free.

Now,

Ronnie needs an education.

First, you pay the rent.

Then you throw your life away.

In that order. Maybe Ronnie can pay the rent being a stand -up comic. You don't

know. He could be really good. Have you ever seen him perform?

No, and I'm not going to. Now, what do you want on your pie?

All right, all right.

I wanted layered. I wanted a crust.

Sauce, pepperoni, cheese, pepperoni, cheese, sauce, cheese, bacon,

cheese. Dio mio.

You're 412 Maples.

You single -handedly paid for my above -ground pool.

Ira, Quan, 412 Maple Street is here.

Honor us by coming here. I do, huh?

Well, you know what? You could honor me by going to see your son perform on

Friday night.

I'm sorry. Friday night's my busiest night.

Oh, really?

So your pool must be refreshing after a full day working behind that oven, huh?

Curse you, 412 Maples.

I'll be there.

That time I did speak.

Give it up for Jeffrey Eaton and his good pal Woody McNasty.

All right, now a comic who tells us he's not from the upper crust. He's from the

pizza crust.

Give a warm welcome to pizza boy Ronnie Butera.

He has a joke about a talking dog. He got it from me.

I always wondered what they would say if they could talk. That's the beauty.

Everybody does.

Nobody does.

Hey!

My name's Ronnie, and I deliver pizzas for a living.

Well, you may not be happy to see me now, but when you're hungry after set,

Santa Claus, and it's Christmas morning!

You've been there, right?

Well, what's the deal with pizza anyway?

I mean, it's shaped like a circle. You eat it in triangles.

Boxes square.

I mean, am I having a meal here or a geometry lesson?

And do me a favor, will you?

Just because you order Canadian bacon, don't try to pay me with Canadian money.

You see, that's funny because that money is worthless, you see.

Well, one final thought.

Crazy, Brent.

Not so crazy.

Okay. You've been awesome. Thank you very much. Peace out, Chicago.

Oh, boy.

Get out of here before I forget how to laugh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it now.

Hold it now. Where do you think you're going?

I'm late.

I got a date with your mother.

My mother died three years ago, man.

Oh.

Okay.

Now our next performer thinks that a basket of fruit plus a chainsaw equals

funny. Please welcome the great Kangani.

So, that was nice, huh?

It was embarrassing.

Nobody laughed.

My drink costs $8 .50. Come on, will you give the kid a break?

Drinks are $8 .50?

God, I had two of them.

Hey, Pop.

Sorry you came on such a rough night. Oh, yeah, that audience was really bad.

Anyway, let me ask you, do we get reimbursed for our drinks because we're

guests?

So, what do you think?

You think if you don't go to college, you're going to end up a bum on the

street? Then I'll be a bum. Okay, okay, let's relax here, okay, guys? Sit down

and talk about this.

See, he's not even my father, and he's more supportive of me than you are. Then

go live with him. Oh, no, no, no, not family, not family, just a customer.

Where are you going? You've got to talk to this boy.

He's a bum. Well, you're a jerk.

Send me a postcard from Bumville.

Why don't you send me a postcard from the place where...

This is the worst night of my life.

Well, see you.

You gonna be okay?

Oh, yeah. Hey, man.

I can sleep in my car.

You can't sleep in your car.

Why don't you come stay with us?

Thanks.

We'd like to go now.

Wow, what a night, huh?

Honey? Yeah?

Did you invite anybody else to live with us while I was in the shower?

He's a good kid.

I like the boy.

Too bad his father's being such a pighead.

Oh, Jim, maybe he's just looking out for his son's future.

Why are you taking Tony's side?

One of the two of you just move in together, and you can swim naked all day

in his above -ground pool.

Why am I always swimming naked with people who don't agree with you?

That's a question you're going to have to ask yourself, Sheriff.

You know, Jim, it is so nice of you to let Ronnie stay here, but he's really

going to have to call his father tomorrow and work this thing out.

Wrong. We're not making a move until he calls us.

Wow. I'm really passionate about this.

I think you may be getting caught up in the romance of having a pizza boy

staying in the house.

Cheryl, your grandmother stayed here for a month, and I didn't complain once.

You did nothing but complain.

Okay, then. I think it's time you be the better person.

What? You don't have a pizza boy living at your house?

here? Well, what do you call someone who's around all the time, acts like

their house, and eats your food?

You.

All I'm saying is next time we invite a house guest, I would like to be

consulted. Come on, Andy, let's go watch The Wheel.

We can't.

Yeah, Ronnie No College is in there watching something on the Learning

Well, fine, we're just gonna have to go watch in Jim and Cheryl's room. This is

so inconvenient.

It's not just me. Ronnie's been here a week. What's the plan?

I told you. We're waiting for his old man to call.

That's your plan?

In broad strokes.

Jim, what if Tony never calls? What if it's like you and your dad and they

speak again?

Cheryl, if his father's not going to be there for him, then to hell with him.

My father wasn't there for me, and I'm okay with it. What are you yelling at me

for? I'm not yelling. This is just the way I talk.

You're talking awful loud.

is over.

Damn right it is.

Crime of need. All I'm saying... Wait, I thought it was over.

I know, I know, I know. What's the need? Cheryl!

Think how different your life would have been if you'd had a chance to talk to

your father after he left. Cheryl, this has nothing to do with my father. You're

right, it doesn't.

Thank you.

So, stop trying to work out your unfinished business with this kid.

Look, Jim, you may not be able to be with your dad, but that doesn't mean

shouldn't be with his.

He needs to go home.

Cheryl, if you're going to buy the low -fat chips, at least put a different

on the bag.

I almost ate these things.

Hey, Ronnie.

You want me to get out of your chair? No, no, no, that's cool, that's cool.

Yeah, get out of my chair.

Look, I've been thinking, and I think we need to reevaluate our plan.

You don't want me to trim the hedges?

No, that part of the plan is solid.

I'm talking about, you know, waiting for your dad to call.

I want to change that plan.

But you said we were never giving in.

I know I said that, but... And I think you should make the first move.

Call your dad.

Why, so he can call me a bum again?

You know what? You could go to college and do stand -up comedy on the side.

College is for people who don't know what they want to do.

I know what I want.

No, but it's not all about studying and classes. Actually, if you do it right,

it's more about beer and women and running naked through the quad.

What's a quad?

I really don't know, but apparently I ran naked through it.

Look, you know, I love having you here. I really do, especially the first few

days.

But, you know, it's not my place to take care of you.

Come on. Call your dad.

Oh.

Hey, honey.

Hey, how did it go?

He hung up on me.

What?

Oh, I hope Jim's all right.

My father's kind of a hothead.

One time he threw a salami at a customer.

Oh, that's nothing.

Jim once punched a cow.

Oh, what is this? What did you do?

Well, Ronnie's father wouldn't talk to me, so I stole Speedy Tony.

If he wants it back, he's got to go through me.

Jim. Woman, be quiet.

This is street justice.

Cool, huh? I got a hostage.

Jim, this is a fiberglass toy.

I'm the hostage.

Okay, that's him. Chill. Chill.

I want my speedy Tony back.

I want you to talk to your son.

I'll call the police.

Well, you go ahead. You call the police. Tell them I stole Speedy Tony, and I'll

tell them you hung up on your son.

The police aren't going to care that I hung up on my son.

Wait a minute.

Your kid's been here a week, and all you care about is this stupid statue?

Please, Mrs.

412 Maple, stay out of this.

Don't talk to my wife like that.

Now, come on.

Talk to your son. Forget it, Jim. It's not worth it. You know what? I don't

this. Hey, hey, hey, don't you even think about it.

Now, you walk out on your son right now, now you won't forgive yourself the rest

of your life. And if you, if you let this jackass go right now, you're as big

a jackass as he is.

And you know what's going to happen one day? One day, 30 years from now.

Ronnie is going to be happily married with three children, and you're going to

call him up out of the blue and say, hey, it's your father.

And you know what you're going to do?

Because you're so pissed off and hurt, you're going to hang up on him.

And trust me, you're going to regret it.

Because you're not going to know where he is.

You always wonder what happened to him, whether he's alive or he's dead.

Well, at least you'll have your stupid statue.

So?

So?

I got some ice cream at home.

You want some?

I don't know.

Yeah.

So what if I come back with my truck to pick the statue up?

I wonder how different my life would have been if I just married you.

All right, speedy Tony, I don't want you here.

Oh,

that

is

a speedy Tony's.

Belly buster, right? I got smelly coming off the driveway. Ronnie brought advice

on the house. Oh, what? Oh, look at that.

Thank you for 12 in pepperoni.

You know, I should take a picture of this. Yeah. Nah, I'll remember.

Honey, listen, I was on the computer today and I found this website. That was

not me. I'm not into that kind of thing, honey.

You know, Andy has got access to that computer.

He's a freak. No, Jim.

No, it's an Internet site that that finds people.

And and I found that.

What is this?

It's your dad's phone number. He lives in Arizona.

Sure. Jim, you don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to. I just,

you know, I just thought you should have.

get big pieces. Oh, then I need a little tiny piece.

So,

I'm giving my dog a bath the other day, and I thought, what would

my dog say if he could talk?

I think it might go a little something, something like this.

Hey, what's this, a bath?