All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s02e03_the_baby_monitor

Hey, Uncle Andy, will you play bicycle
shop with me?

No.

Please. I don't really feel like it,
Gracie.

Please, Uncle Andy, please.

Okay.

Hi there, bicycle shop owner. My name is
Andy. I'd like to buy a new bike today.

We're close. Beat it.

Cheryl, she did it again.

Nice.

Really good setup, baby.

Hey, you're not Cheryl.

But I'm okay with that.

I'm Janet.

I'm Jim.

Hi, I'm Cheryl's brother, Andy.

We just moved here from Boston. We
bought the NOAC thing. Oh, right, right.

great pipes.

I used the bathroom one time during an
open house.

You should thank him. He drove away
three potential buyers.

Just out of curiosity, you didn't use
the hot tub, did you?

No. Oh,

good, you met the guys.

You still like me, right?

Here's the baby monitor.

Oh, thanks. I'll bring this back just as
soon as the movers replace ours. Oh,

no, don't worry about it. We've got
another set.

Jim, honey, they have the cutest little
four -month -old named Jeffrey. He has

the cutest little apple cheeks.

You've got to go see him.

Yeah, that'll be fun.

Hey, does Jeffrey need a crib? Because
we have an extra one in the garage.

Oh, thanks, Cheryl. He's still sleeping
in our room. We have the most adorable

bassinet with little duckies and bunnies
on it. I can't wait to see it.

Me too.

Got the duckies and bunnies, right?

Are they wearing hats? Because that
always creeps me out.

Well, I'd better be going. It was nice
meeting you all. I'll see you and Cheryl

on Tuesday night. Tuesday night.

We're looking forward to it. Tuesday
night.

Isn't she fantastic?

She's great. What's Tuesday night?

We're going out with her and her
husband. You are going to love him. You

what, Cheryl?

I just realized something.

Tuesday night's not going to work out
for me. Why not?

Because I don't want to do this.

Well, I do.

Honey, these couple things never work
out for us. There's always one person

everybody ends up hating.

Yeah, I've noticed.

Oh, come on, honey. I'm with kids all
day. I just want to go have a

with someone whose nose doesn't need
wiping.

Andy, wipe your nose.

Oh, you're serious.

Cheryl, I have been with people all...

And I just want to come home, sit in my
chair with my beer, and listen to the

happy sounds of my children playing off
in the distance.

Honey, come on. Everybody needs friends.
Even the Flintstones have the rubble.

This is where you're wrong. Because Fred
and Barney were friends before they met

their wives.

If Wilma and Betty tried to put them
together, it wouldn't have worked out.

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

They were roommates in college.

All I know is that you've got to make
six friends before you die because I am

not carrying your casket alone.

Hello? Aren't you forgetting someone?

Dana and I are your couple friends.

Andy, you and Dana are my brother and
sister. You're not actually a couple.

But there are some folks in the mountain
communities that would open up.

All right, Jim.

Here's the deal. You've alienated pretty
much every couple in the neighborhood.

We need this couple, and we need them
quick before they start talking to

All right.

I'll eat with them, but I won't talk.

Perfect. This may just work out.

in my chair anymore.

Oh, good, you're up.

Hey, how are the kids?

Oh, well, the girls went right to sleep.
I haven't heard a peep from Kyle all

night.

How was your date?

We had a great time. And get this, they
really seem to like Jim.

Really? Yeah. Well, what's their secret?
Because I'm stumped.

And I think you liked them too, didn't
you, honey? Yeah!

Janet was very funny, and Ted was, you
know, he was all right for a Red Sox

I just don't understand how those guys
can delude themselves every year.

Hey, they're coming over for dinner on
Saturday night. Are you busy?

Oh, no, not at all. That sounds fun.
Hey, I can make a salad.

Great. Why don't you drop it off and
take the kids to a movie?

What he's trying to say is that it's
kind of a couple's night. You know what?

I'll have you and Andy. over for dinner
on Sunday night. How's that sound?

Forget it. I don't want your pity. Seven
-ish?

I'll bring a salad.

Thank you, Dana.

So? So what? Can we state officially?

Officially? Oh, yes.

Officially. For the record.

No, no, not for the record. Oh, yeah.

Officially for the record that we had a
good couple experience?

Yes. I told you!

All right. We had a good time.

All right. But you know what? I got to
be honest with you.

Janet's laugh is a little annoying,
don't you think? Oh, you think?

And what about those tinted contacts?

I mean, come on. Nobody's eyes are that
blue.

Well, yours are.

Well, I'm blessed.

Hey, how about Ted's hair like that's
real?

Oh, come on. You don't know that. You're
right. Underneath that toupee could be

a full head of hair.

Sounds like Kyle's got a broadness room.

Yeah, Jim and Cheryl are great.

Oh, my God.

We're picking up Ted and Janet on the
baby monitor.

Oh, God, it wants to be on the same
frequency.

I feel like you and Jim really hit it
off. Yeah, I like them. I mean, for a

fan, God, those guys are deluded.

Hey, the Red Sox have lost for the last
80 years. Hey, we can't hear you. It's

one way.

I know, but I've got to defend the Cubs.

You know what? This is so wrong. We've
got to turn this off.

Cheryl's beautiful, isn't she?

Gorgeous smile.

Maybe just one minute.

And her hair, it's so full and bouncy.
I'd kill for hair like that.

Oh, so bouncy.

And she's so graceful. She must have
been a dancer or something.

Well, a cheerleader, but you do have to
know how to move.

You know what I don't understand? What?
How does a guy who looks like that get a

woman like Cheryl?

I thought I saw the mirror.

What was the deal with his pants?

It's one thing to open up your pants
after the meal, but he showed up like

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, honey, who notices anymore?

Who notices?

They noticed.

Who are these people? They're nice to my
face, and then they trash me. Oh,

honey, they're just doing exactly what
we did.

You said that thing about her laugh and
his hair.

Well, that's totally different. How?
Well, they couldn't hear me.

I don't want to go out to dinner with
them on Saturday night. They're not

here. No.

Honey, they obviously like us as much as
we like them. Let's just forget

everything we heard tonight. How?

Hey, are you ready for bed?

Oh, look, honey.

Little Winston is waking up.

Great. They woke up their little kid.

But their kid's name is Jeffrey.

Looks like little Winston wants to come
out and play.

get the promotion.

Damn.

Looks like I owe you a buck.

It's not fair.

So who got it? Sylvia from accounting.

We hate her.

Oh, and guess who her sister is
marrying? Not Brad.

The same.

Mmm.

I'm gonna buy ice cream with...

She should just pursue her dream of
becoming a veterinarian. I should just

pursue my dream of becoming a
veterinarian.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I thought I
said no listening.

Oh, come on. It's all G -rated. There's
nothing about little Winston.

Well, in this house, we don't eavesdrop
on other people's conversations. Oh,

yeah, you're right. Your mommy would
never do anything like that.

Oh, by the way, she's wearing green
tonight, too.

Well, we're both wearing green. I don't
care.

This is killing you, isn't it?

I hate you.

And that, why I'm no longer welcome in
Frontierland.

Oh, that is so funny, Jim.

Cheryl, Ted and I were just saying, what
a wonderful smile you have. Oh, stop

it. You're going to make me self
-conscious.

like about these new pants?

Sturdy buttons.

You know, sometimes you get those cheap
pants and they open up on you and make

you look like a slob. You know what I'm
saying, Ted?

I guess. Yeah, sure you do.

Will you come in the kitchen and help me
with the hors d 'oeuvres? Sure, sure.

And hey, by the way, you know what? I'm
a little upset with you about the other

night, you know, beating me to the check
like that.

Next time, no restaurants around City
Hall.

We've got to stop this. You're getting
way too obvious.

heard on that stupid monitor. Okay,
okay. All right, all right, all right.

But you know what? I really do like
these new pants, so I may talk about

Okay, honey, would you please take these
out there while I get the rest of this

set up? Okay. Thank you.

Oh, boy, you're gonna love these.

Hey, Ted, can I interest you in a little
Winston?

Oh, my God!

What? What did you say?

No, no, he said Little Winston.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Why would I say Little Winston? We don't
even know what that means.

No.

Did you tell Cheryl?

No. Well, how else could she possibly
know? I don't know.

Talk about your pants.

I love my pants.

Does everyone in the world have to know
about my inadequacy?

Ted, wait.

You're not inadequate.

You're fine for me.

Oh, Little Winston.

is great.

Here we are again.

Our neighbors have stormed out. I'm
upset.

And you're finishing your hors d
'oeuvres.

We each have our strengths.

We had couple friends for exactly a day
and a half.

Beats our old record.

Put a sock in it.

Do you see right there?

That kind of sass is what chases couples
away.

Me?

Sabotage? Come on, you're the one that
made me bring out the little Wheaties.

How am I not supposed to think of little
Winston?

He's going to serve something else like
shrimp.

which chases the Jehovah Witnesses away.

You know, we need a good lie.

Good lie.

All right. You got one?

Don't look at me. This is not my area.
This is where you shine.

I don't know if I necessarily shine.
Jim! All right, all right. Focus.

All right, let me think here.

I got it. Well, she told her sister,
right? Right. All right. We just say

sister told us.

What are you going to do?

Let's pretend like we're not here.

They can see your head.

All right, Cheryl.

We both know what we have to do.

All right.

Stay strong. Okay. Stay with me. I got
you.

Hi.

We know why you're here.

We're going to tell you the truth.

I can't believe it. You listen to all
our private conversations.

No, no, no, just the ones in the
bedroom.

We are so sorry.

We never meant for any of this to
happen. Really, you know, we are good

Yeah, we're great people.

I mean, every year we leave a big box of
crap out for the veterans.

We had a great time with them, and they
seem to be genuinely sorry.

Well, maybe we're... Yeah, we really
like you guys, and we still want to be

friends. Yeah, just stay for dinner.

You know, you guys, what we heard will
never leave this room.

Never!

It is forgotten.

Oh, God!

Hey, hey, what are you doing back from
the movie so soon?

Dana forgot her glasses.

Oh, my God, you must be Ted and Janet.

And, you know, I call mine the Duke.

Get out.

What did he say?

That's great. The whole family knows.

Let's go, Janet. No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. All they know is that Sylvia is a

backstabber and that you really want to
be a veterinarian. And by the way, you

go, girl.

Goodbye, Cheryl.

No, no, no. I made fettuccine.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Look, I know
this personal thing about you.

This, you know, embarrassing thing.
This, I guess, humiliating thing.

And so I'm thinking, why don't I just
tell you something like that about me,

then we'd be even.

What do you say to that?

Yeah. Oh, come on, I got something to
blow your socks off.

Okay, okay, but it better be really
humiliating. It is.

This is really hard to say.

It's okay, honey, go ahead.

Cheryl had a nose job. What?

I didn't have a nose job. Oh, you did
so.

I had a deviated septum.

The doctor said that as long as he was
going to break my nose, he may as well.

What do you think? No, I'm sorry. A nose
job is just not going to do it.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. We really wanted this
to work out.

No, no, no.

Jim, get out here.

One second. Seriously, if you guys could
just stay here just one second.

Seriously.

There's fresh coffee in the kitchen.
Help yourself.

with you. I was trying to support you
there. I totally put myself on the line

for you.

How did you put yourself on the line?

Well, I had to come up with something
and I haven't had corrective surgery.

Uh, yeah, Jim.

Ted and Janet are about to go and they
are never coming back. But you know what

really hurts me?

I turned to you for help and you just,
you humiliated me.

What? Yeah.

Thanks for being there for me, Jim.

Come on, Cheryl. I didn't mean to hurt
you. You did.

Okay.

Are you sure this is the couple you
want?

You're not going to get tired of them in
a week.

No, Jim, come on.

It can't just be you and me for the rest
of our lives. Why not?

Oh, honey.

I'll kill you.

Thanks for waiting.

Now, how about this?

I haven't even told Cheryl this.

I went to see Spider -Man, and it was
sold out.

And the only movie I could go see was
The Divine Secrets of the Yaya System.

You know, so you cry to the chick flick.
Big deal.

Come on. Come on, honey.

Sorry. Wait.

Wait, wait.

No, it's over.

No, no, it's not over until I say it's
over.

Yeah. Oh, what's the matter?

I miss Craig.

So I'm going to need a lot of heterosex
to help me forget.

Oh, I see. Well, I'll make you a deal.

I'll unbutton your pants later, if you
button them now.

wear his beret, I want us to match.