Original subtitles

Hey, Uncle Andy, will you play bicycle shop with me?

No.

Please. I don't really feel like it, Gracie.

Please, Uncle Andy, please.

Okay.

Hi there, bicycle shop owner. My name is Andy. I'd like to buy a new bike today.

We're close. Beat it.

Cheryl, she did it again.

Nice.

Really good setup, baby.

Hey, you're not Cheryl.

But I'm okay with that.

I'm Janet.

I'm Jim.

Hi, I'm Cheryl's brother, Andy.

We just moved here from Boston. We bought the NOAC thing. Oh, right, right.

great pipes.

I used the bathroom one time during an open house.

You should thank him. He drove away three potential buyers.

Just out of curiosity, you didn't use the hot tub, did you?

No. Oh,

good, you met the guys.

You still like me, right?

Here's the baby monitor.

Oh, thanks. I'll bring this back just as soon as the movers replace ours. Oh,

no, don't worry about it. We've got another set.

Jim, honey, they have the cutest little four -month -old named Jeffrey. He has

the cutest little apple cheeks.

You've got to go see him.

Yeah, that'll be fun.

Hey, does Jeffrey need a crib? Because we have an extra one in the garage.

Oh, thanks, Cheryl. He's still sleeping in our room. We have the most adorable

bassinet with little duckies and bunnies on it. I can't wait to see it.

Me too.

Got the duckies and bunnies, right?

Are they wearing hats? Because that always creeps me out.

Well, I'd better be going. It was nice meeting you all. I'll see you and Cheryl

on Tuesday night. Tuesday night.

We're looking forward to it. Tuesday night.

Isn't she fantastic?

She's great. What's Tuesday night?

We're going out with her and her husband. You are going to love him. You

what, Cheryl?

I just realized something.

Tuesday night's not going to work out for me. Why not?

Because I don't want to do this.

Well, I do.

Honey, these couple things never work out for us. There's always one person

everybody ends up hating.

Yeah, I've noticed.

Oh, come on, honey. I'm with kids all day. I just want to go have a

with someone whose nose doesn't need wiping.

Andy, wipe your nose.

Oh, you're serious.

Cheryl, I have been with people all...

And I just want to come home, sit in my chair with my beer, and listen to the

happy sounds of my children playing off in the distance.

Honey, come on. Everybody needs friends. Even the Flintstones have the rubble.

This is where you're wrong. Because Fred and Barney were friends before they met

their wives.

If Wilma and Betty tried to put them together, it wouldn't have worked out.

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

They were roommates in college.

All I know is that you've got to make six friends before you die because I am

not carrying your casket alone.

Hello? Aren't you forgetting someone?

Dana and I are your couple friends.

Andy, you and Dana are my brother and sister. You're not actually a couple.

But there are some folks in the mountain communities that would open up.

All right, Jim.

Here's the deal. You've alienated pretty much every couple in the neighborhood.

We need this couple, and we need them quick before they start talking to

All right.

I'll eat with them, but I won't talk.

Perfect. This may just work out.

in my chair anymore.

Oh, good, you're up.

Hey, how are the kids?

Oh, well, the girls went right to sleep. I haven't heard a peep from Kyle all

night.

How was your date?

We had a great time. And get this, they really seem to like Jim.

Really? Yeah. Well, what's their secret? Because I'm stumped.

And I think you liked them too, didn't you, honey? Yeah!

Janet was very funny, and Ted was, you know, he was all right for a Red Sox

I just don't understand how those guys can delude themselves every year.

Hey, they're coming over for dinner on Saturday night. Are you busy?

Oh, no, not at all. That sounds fun. Hey, I can make a salad.

Great. Why don't you drop it off and take the kids to a movie?

What he's trying to say is that it's kind of a couple's night. You know what?

I'll have you and Andy. over for dinner on Sunday night. How's that sound?

Forget it. I don't want your pity. Seven -ish?

I'll bring a salad.

Thank you, Dana.

So? So what? Can we state officially?

Officially? Oh, yes.

Officially. For the record.

No, no, not for the record. Oh, yeah.

Officially for the record that we had a good couple experience?

Yes. I told you!

All right. We had a good time.

All right. But you know what? I got to be honest with you.

Janet's laugh is a little annoying, don't you think? Oh, you think?

And what about those tinted contacts?

I mean, come on. Nobody's eyes are that blue.

Well, yours are.

Well, I'm blessed.

Hey, how about Ted's hair like that's real?

Oh, come on. You don't know that. You're right. Underneath that toupee could be

a full head of hair.

Sounds like Kyle's got a broadness room.

Yeah, Jim and Cheryl are great.

Oh, my God.

We're picking up Ted and Janet on the baby monitor.

Oh, God, it wants to be on the same frequency.

I feel like you and Jim really hit it off. Yeah, I like them. I mean, for a

fan, God, those guys are deluded.

Hey, the Red Sox have lost for the last 80 years. Hey, we can't hear you. It's

one way.

I know, but I've got to defend the Cubs.

You know what? This is so wrong. We've got to turn this off.

Cheryl's beautiful, isn't she?

Gorgeous smile.

Maybe just one minute.

And her hair, it's so full and bouncy. I'd kill for hair like that.

Oh, so bouncy.

And she's so graceful. She must have been a dancer or something.

Well, a cheerleader, but you do have to know how to move.

You know what I don't understand? What? How does a guy who looks like that get a

woman like Cheryl?

I thought I saw the mirror.

What was the deal with his pants?

It's one thing to open up your pants after the meal, but he showed up like

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, honey, who notices anymore?

Who notices?

They noticed.

Who are these people? They're nice to my face, and then they trash me. Oh,

honey, they're just doing exactly what we did.

You said that thing about her laugh and his hair.

Well, that's totally different. How? Well, they couldn't hear me.

I don't want to go out to dinner with them on Saturday night. They're not

here. No.

Honey, they obviously like us as much as we like them. Let's just forget

everything we heard tonight. How?

Hey, are you ready for bed?

Oh, look, honey.

Little Winston is waking up.

Great. They woke up their little kid.

But their kid's name is Jeffrey.

Looks like little Winston wants to come out and play.

get the promotion.

Damn.

Looks like I owe you a buck.

It's not fair.

So who got it? Sylvia from accounting.

We hate her.

Oh, and guess who her sister is marrying? Not Brad.

The same.

Mmm.

I'm gonna buy ice cream with...

She should just pursue her dream of becoming a veterinarian. I should just

pursue my dream of becoming a veterinarian.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I thought I said no listening.

Oh, come on. It's all G -rated. There's nothing about little Winston.

Well, in this house, we don't eavesdrop on other people's conversations. Oh,

yeah, you're right. Your mommy would never do anything like that.

Oh, by the way, she's wearing green tonight, too.

Well, we're both wearing green. I don't care.

This is killing you, isn't it?

I hate you.

And that, why I'm no longer welcome in Frontierland.

Oh, that is so funny, Jim.

Cheryl, Ted and I were just saying, what a wonderful smile you have. Oh, stop

it. You're going to make me self -conscious.

like about these new pants?

Sturdy buttons.

You know, sometimes you get those cheap pants and they open up on you and make

you look like a slob. You know what I'm saying, Ted?

I guess. Yeah, sure you do.

Will you come in the kitchen and help me with the hors d 'oeuvres? Sure, sure.

And hey, by the way, you know what? I'm a little upset with you about the other

night, you know, beating me to the check like that.

Next time, no restaurants around City Hall.

We've got to stop this. You're getting way too obvious.

heard on that stupid monitor. Okay, okay. All right, all right, all right.

But you know what? I really do like these new pants, so I may talk about

Okay, honey, would you please take these out there while I get the rest of this

set up? Okay. Thank you.

Oh, boy, you're gonna love these.

Hey, Ted, can I interest you in a little Winston?

Oh, my God!

What? What did you say?

No, no, he said Little Winston.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Why would I say Little Winston? We don't even know what that means.

No.

Did you tell Cheryl?

No. Well, how else could she possibly know? I don't know.

Talk about your pants.

I love my pants.

Does everyone in the world have to know about my inadequacy?

Ted, wait.

You're not inadequate.

You're fine for me.

Oh, Little Winston.

is great.

Here we are again.

Our neighbors have stormed out. I'm upset.

And you're finishing your hors d 'oeuvres.

We each have our strengths.

We had couple friends for exactly a day and a half.

Beats our old record.

Put a sock in it.

Do you see right there?

That kind of sass is what chases couples away.

Me?

Sabotage? Come on, you're the one that made me bring out the little Wheaties.

How am I not supposed to think of little Winston?

He's going to serve something else like shrimp.

which chases the Jehovah Witnesses away.

You know, we need a good lie.

Good lie.

All right. You got one?

Don't look at me. This is not my area. This is where you shine.

I don't know if I necessarily shine. Jim! All right, all right. Focus.

All right, let me think here.

I got it. Well, she told her sister, right? Right. All right. We just say

sister told us.

What are you going to do?

Let's pretend like we're not here.

They can see your head.

All right, Cheryl.

We both know what we have to do.

All right.

Stay strong. Okay. Stay with me. I got you.

Hi.

We know why you're here.

We're going to tell you the truth.

I can't believe it. You listen to all our private conversations.

No, no, no, just the ones in the bedroom.

We are so sorry.

We never meant for any of this to happen. Really, you know, we are good

Yeah, we're great people.

I mean, every year we leave a big box of crap out for the veterans.

We had a great time with them, and they seem to be genuinely sorry.

Well, maybe we're... Yeah, we really like you guys, and we still want to be

friends. Yeah, just stay for dinner.

You know, you guys, what we heard will never leave this room.

Never!

It is forgotten.

Oh, God!

Hey, hey, what are you doing back from the movie so soon?

Dana forgot her glasses.

Oh, my God, you must be Ted and Janet.

And, you know, I call mine the Duke.

Get out.

What did he say?

That's great. The whole family knows.

Let's go, Janet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All they know is that Sylvia is a

backstabber and that you really want to be a veterinarian. And by the way, you

go, girl.

Goodbye, Cheryl.

No, no, no. I made fettuccine.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Look, I know this personal thing about you.

This, you know, embarrassing thing. This, I guess, humiliating thing.

And so I'm thinking, why don't I just tell you something like that about me,

then we'd be even.

What do you say to that?

Yeah. Oh, come on, I got something to blow your socks off.

Okay, okay, but it better be really humiliating. It is.

This is really hard to say.

It's okay, honey, go ahead.

Cheryl had a nose job. What?

I didn't have a nose job. Oh, you did so.

I had a deviated septum.

The doctor said that as long as he was going to break my nose, he may as well.

What do you think? No, I'm sorry. A nose job is just not going to do it.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. We really wanted this to work out.

No, no, no.

Jim, get out here.

One second. Seriously, if you guys could just stay here just one second.

Seriously.

There's fresh coffee in the kitchen. Help yourself.

with you. I was trying to support you there. I totally put myself on the line

for you.

How did you put yourself on the line?

Well, I had to come up with something and I haven't had corrective surgery.

Uh, yeah, Jim.

Ted and Janet are about to go and they are never coming back. But you know what

really hurts me?

I turned to you for help and you just, you humiliated me.

What? Yeah.

Thanks for being there for me, Jim.

Come on, Cheryl. I didn't mean to hurt you. You did.

Okay.

Are you sure this is the couple you want?

You're not going to get tired of them in a week.

No, Jim, come on.

It can't just be you and me for the rest of our lives. Why not?

Oh, honey.

I'll kill you.

Thanks for waiting.

Now, how about this?

I haven't even told Cheryl this.

I went to see Spider -Man, and it was sold out.

And the only movie I could go see was The Divine Secrets of the Yaya System.

You know, so you cry to the chick flick. Big deal.

Come on. Come on, honey.

Sorry. Wait.

Wait, wait.

No, it's over.

No, no, it's not over until I say it's over.

Yeah. Oh, what's the matter?

I miss Craig.

So I'm going to need a lot of heterosex to help me forget.

Oh, I see. Well, I'll make you a deal.

I'll unbutton your pants later, if you button them now.

wear his beret, I want us to match.