All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s02e02_cars_chicks

Honey, here's your fork.

Thank you. You see, now you're a lady.

Oh.

Hello?

No, the lady of the house is busy right
now.

Hey, you know, I don't really appreciate
you making these calls during dinner

time. What?

No, I'm not being rude. No, this is
rude.

Thank you, honey. I just hate getting
those calls. Me too.

Call your sister after dinner.

Hey,

hey, hey.

Check out our new toaster oven.

Pretty swanky, huh?

Now we can throw out that old piece of
junk.

One electrical fire and you turn on the
thing?

It's chrome and stainless steel. Doesn't
it look clean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's see
if it's up for the tuna melt challenge.

No, no, no, no. We can't use it.

Hey, Shirley, ready to go? Oh, yeah, I
can get my purse. Where are you going?

Oh, we are going car shopping for me.
Hey, did you decide what kind you want?

Yes, a blue one.

The two of you are going car shopping?

Just the two of you?

Yeah.

What?

There's three things that women should
never do alone.

Work on their cars, walk to their cars,
and most important, buy a car.

Yeah, what about washing cars?

Can we still do that? Oh, yeah, you can
put on that wet T -shirt, get all soapy.

Listen, I'm not one to make broad,
sweeping statements.

should never buy their own car. Why,
Jim?

I'm so glad you asked.

Because they get distracted by the
little things like the cup holders or

makeup mirror. Ooh, the lights.

Where does he come up with these
ridiculous... Oh, my God, is that the

toaster? Yes!

See, right there, distracted.

You act like I'm a dealership and you're
going to get ripped off.

Do you remember the car I had when we
were first dating? I got a great deal on

that car.

myself without help from any man.

Didn't dad go with you to buy that car?
No.

I could have sworn he said he went with
you. Well, he's dead now, so it's his

word against mine.

Cheryl, Cheryl, no offense, but if you
dug up your dad, propped him up in a

dealership, he'd still get a better deal
than you.

Well, I'm going to show you. I'm going
to take Dana down there and we're going

to get a great deal. Yeah.

And we won't get distracted.

No.

I was a kid jumping in a big pile of
leaves.

Can we do it? Sure, sure.

The rinks are in the garage.

Yeah!

Yeah, honey, could you help me out with
something? I'm confused.

This looks like the car I helped Dana
buy.

Is that it?

Yeah. Well, I don't understand that
because the car I got Dana was $600

Now, am I reading that wrong or did I
get Dana the best?

Oh, come on. Why can't you just admit
it, that I, a woman, got Dana a great

deal, even though I am not you, a man?
For the love of God, enough with this.

Do I gloat when I'm right about stuff
all the time?

You gloat when you beat Gracie at
Candyland.

That is different, Cheryl.

Gracie was ahead of me in Ice Cream C,
right? And I was lost in Lollipop Woods.

floating, honey.

That's winning!

Hey. Hey, guess what?

Dana's brand new car broke down.

What is wrong with you? I told you not
to say anything in front of Jim.

Then the next time I'm rocking out to
Skinner, don't harsh my groove.

How can your car break down? We just got
it a week ago. I know, and now it's

going to be in the shop for God knows
how long, and a loaner car isn't part of

my deal.

Oh, a loaner car is not part of your
deal.

Wow, David, I would really be chapped if
the person that helped me make that

crappy deal.

Hello.

All right, David, that's it. We're going
down there. We're getting you a loaner.

I am going to raise hell.

Oh, sure.

Okay, you're not going to give them
hell. You could give them heck.

You can give them, oh, darn.

Maybe you'll give them the dickens.

But you're not going to give them hell.

Oh, I see. So you're the only one who
can make a big scene.

Well. It was me and Sinatra, but now
it's just me.

Hey, he's tough.

Remember when that Girl Scout shorted me
a box of tagalongs?

She won't do that ever again.

Maybe you should do it. I mean, you're
perfect for this. You're a horrible,

horrible man.

Well, thank you, Dana.

But far be it from me to step on the
toes of Cheryl's little project.

Unless Cheryl, a woman.

would ask me, a man, for help. Oh, all
right, you do it, you big... Oh, look

out! Look out!

Don't! Oh, she's giving me the ticket!

Daddy, we're done.

Can we jump in the parallel leaves now?

Did you do the front wall? No.

Well, that's no fun.

Oh, man.

What a spread.

The Lexus dealership. On Sundays, they
have an omelet station.

They could have taken Cheryl there for
Mother's Day.

So, uh, how are we going to play this?

I'm going to make a big stink, and then
we're out of here with Dana's loaner.

Ah, the old stink and dash classic.

Hey, hey, can I help?

Sure. Just keep it subtle, okay?

Hi, I'm Bill. Is there anything I can go
ahead and show you? Sure.

You can show me an American where people
still believe in quality.

What's this about quality? I'm
interested.

Well, it seems that my sister -in -law
bought a car here last week, and it's

already in the shop, and this dealership
won't give her a loaner. Well, perhaps

this eccentric billionaire has come to
the wrong dealership.

What kind of business are you running
here, huh?

Please keep your voice down. I'll keep
my voice down once you give my sister

-law a loaner. Okay.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and get the
manager.

Bill, you go ahead and do that.

How about that? I've officially moved
from obnoxious to frightening.

You should live under a bridge and
threaten Billy Goats.

That was just a warm -up. Wait till you
see me with the manager.

I'm Gretchen Saunders, the manager.

Bill tells me he'd like to speak to me.

Did you want to buy a car?

Where's the minivan?

Oh, that?

That's not here.

Yes, I can see that, Jim.

Where is it?

Oh, I traded the minivan in and got you
this little beauty here.

You're welcome.

What? Yeah, I dealt directly with the
manager. You know, honey, that's the

way to go. College girls were pointing
at us at red lights and not laughing.

Wait a minute.

So this isn't my car? Where's my loaner?
I don't know. What, do you want me to

cut your meat for you, too?

Hey, Cheryl.

Cheryl, you know, I was thinking about
getting a leather bra for the front, and

I thought to myself, nah, let's just let
the headlights hang out.

Oh, my God.

Jim, can I talk to you inside?

Sure.

Great. So he gets a new car... I get
nothing.

You say that, but I know there's more
coming.

How would you feel if I took your truck
and traded it in without asking you?

Don't change the subject on me, Cheryl.

This is not about my truck.

You're jumping all over the place. I
can't follow you.

I drive carpool.

How am I supposed to fit all those kids
in that tiny car?

Those kids are like two feet tall.

What much room do they need?

All right, we agreed.

to make all our major decisions
together.

That's why Ruby and Gracie aren't named
Sayers and Piccolo.

Those are fine American names.

Come on, besides, you wanted to replace
that minivan? Yes, honey, with another

minivan. Oh, you're so old -fashioned.
Come on, you gotta learn to think

the box.

Cheryl, haven't you ever gotten just
spontaneous and just bought something

because it felt good?

That's true, honey. For a family of
clowns.

Gerald, I work hard. I put a roof over
her head. I'm a great lover.

We're keeping the car.

All right, Dana, get off Andy's head.

All right, one thing is going to get
done right, too. We're going to go down

there. We're going to get you a loaner.
I am ready. My blood is... Me, too. I am

pumped. Yeah.

Just so you know, punching a man in the
Adam's apple is dirty pool.

Not now, Andy. We're not in the mood.

Well, look at me.

I'm Cheryl.

I'm the older sister, so I boss everyone
around.

Let's get all up in his business.

Hey,

you. Yes? I bought a car from you and
you wouldn't give me a loaner.

Now you're going to wish you had.

Tear it up, Cheryl. He is going down.

So, Bill.

Do you think maybe when you have time,
you could maybe get the manager out

Could you? Do what I can.

Thank you so much, thanks.

Don't go out of your way. Thank you.

Wow, I wouldn't want to run into you in
a bright, sunny alley.

Cheryl,

this isn't going to work. Can I just
borrow your new car for a few days?

you stop calling it my car? I'm not
keeping it.

What about Jim?

Don't worry about Jim.

After a week of making him drive
carpool, he'll drive that thing off a

Wait a minute, I'm picturing it.

Nice.

I just don't know what Jim was thinking
buying that car.

Hi, I'm Gretchen Saunders, the manager.

Well, at least I know what he was
thinking when.

You are gorgeous.

Absolutely stunning.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm straight.

Mwah. Kyle's with Dan and the girls are
having dinner at the O 'Connor's. Oh,

nice people, Fred and Mary.

Mike and Laura.

Right.

Hey, you know, I told the O 'Connor's
what a great deal you got, and they

to know who you talked to at the
dealership. Do you remember his name?

You know, I remember the face, but the
name escapes me.

Well, what did he look like?

He was vaguely Germanic.

Germanic.

Yeah, with a dash of Latino, Chinese
kind of mix, you know.

All right, well, that narrows it down to
what? Three billion people?

Well, you know, he had a mustache, if
that helps you at all.

You know, I think I'll just go down with
the O 'Connors and we'll track him down

on our own.

Phil, that's it, Phil.

Phil? Yeah, but you know what the
problem is?

The guy got fired.

Yeah, for giving me such a great deal on
the car.

Poor Phil.

Phil. Well, Phil, that's a...

That's a pretty common name for a German
-Latino -Chinese guy.

Well, you know, honey, that's why they
come to this country.

We don't judge.

Yeah, it reminds me, I'm going to put
the flag out on the steps over here.

Honey, Jim.

I happen to know the manager's name is
Gretchen.

So what?

I bought a car from a guy named
Gretchen.

I know, honey. David and I went down
there today, so I happen to know that

Gretchen... is a leggy, gorgeous woman.
And you bought that car because you got

distracted. Actually, you sat right here
so smug and told me women get

distracted. Absolutely not.

Fine, fine, I will admit that she was a
very attractive woman. But I did not get

distracted. I bought that car because
she was a finely crafted machine.

You refer to cars as a she, you see.

So then you know all about that car.

Yeah, from stem to stern.

Although that's a voting term. Oh, yeah.

So, honey, what's the cubic displacement
of the engine?

Huh?

That's very close.

3 ,800 cc.

What about the suspension?

Well, I didn't exactly get it. A
modified McPherson strut system with gas

-charged Bilstein monotube dampers.

Huh.

Yeah, that's right.

Right.

You know what? I think you're just mad.

You're mad because a very attractive
woman who smelled like flowers saw a man

that shared her interest in cars.

What she saw was a great big cartoon
dollar sign with feet.

What's funny? She played you. Oh, I was
in complete control, baby.

Sometimes when we argue, you say that
you get a little frisky?

Well, I don't use that word.

But, yes.

I think it's happening to me right now.

Oh, I'm just so attracted to you.

Is that weird?

You're only here.

Evidently.

You know, honey, we're all alone in this
house. I wouldn't say we use this time

creatively.

I just saw your old minivan. They
haven't sold it yet. Great. All right.

just talk to Gretchen and get this thing
over with. Okay. Hey, but just

remember, don't look directly at her or
you'll get sucked into her beauty

vortex. Right.

What happens if she adjusts her bra
strap or does something sexy like that?

yeah.

Okay, how about this? Whatever she does,
I'll do the same and we'll cancel each

other out.

No, Andy, I know. Here she comes. Avert
your eyes. Avert your eyes.

So, Jim, How are you doing with that
convertible?

Well, Gretchen, it's a great car. I just
think it might be, you know, a little

too small for me.

Oh, come on. A trim fit guy like you?

I do work out.

I don't think the convertible is really
right for me because I have a wife and

three kids, and I just got to have that
minivan back, Gretchen.

Well, I'm sorry, Jim, but I'm not
authorized to do that. Is there, like,

owner here that I could speak to?

Yeah, Mike's here today. Oh, Mike,
that's great. Mike's a guy's name.

That's great.

Why don't you get Mike out here?

Okay. Thank you.

Would you like a burger with those
fries?

What? Oh, it's a thing on how sexy she
walks.

No, the scene is, I'd like some fries
with that shake.

Why do you have fries and a shake, no
burger? That doesn't make any sense.

Andy, that's the scene. That's the
scene. Fries, that shake.

I paged the owner, and he'll be right
with you, all right? Thank you so much.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You did it.

You overcame your weakness of flesh and
emerged victorious.

And you split your pants picking up your
keys.

Gretchen said you wanted to see me.

Want to buy a car?

Uh -huh.

One

purple.

No. Two purple.

Candy Castle! I can't believe it. You
weren't into it. You're not hungry.

I'm hungry, coach.

You're always hungry. You're my... kind
of guy thanks coach oh look at me i'm

mike dick good yeah i can yell at anyone
i want because i coach the bears