All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s01e22_no_surprises

Okay, now there's a very fine art to
this, so watch closely.

Now hold your hand out, stick your
fingers together, make a little cup.

Good. Okay, now put it under your
armpit.

Make sure there's a good seal.

Now let it rip.

Wow!

That's like a fart!

Yeah, that's how you know you're doing
it right.

Jim, what are you doing? Making sure
they don't have boyfriends until they're

15.

Kyle,

you are so strong.

Maybe I should start breastfeeding, huh?

Yeah, the way you eat, you'd have to do
it every three minutes.

Nice.

Hey, Jim, listen to this.

The Chicago Bears are having a celebrity
bowl -off. We can bowl with all -pro

linebacker Brian Urlacher. When's that?

Saturday night.

Saturday night? That's Cheryl's
birthday.

Well, you know, Cheryl, we don't have
any plans.

Come on, come on. We could bowl and you
can go shopping.

At a bowling alley?

They got a pro shop.

I so see what you're doing. There's no
bowling tournament. You're just trying

lure me there for my great big surprise
party.

I am so far ahead of you, I could stop
for lunch. No, Cheryl, really, there is

tournament. It's right here. Oh, yeah,
what is that, one of those gag papers

guys had printed up? No.

Oh, toxic filth and 40 to hospital.

Nice touch.

Cheryl, we aren't doing anything for
your birthday.

Okay, we're not doing anything for your
birthday. Stop it! Okay, I'll stop it.

Gerald, see, this is why better -looking
guys didn't marry you.

There is nothing going on for your
birthday. We can't throw you a surprise

because you always expect one. That's no
fun.

That's why I stopped trying to do it.
All right.

Okay. Okay, I get it. No party.

That's right.

But I'll probably leave the house for a
few hours on Saturday afternoon and come

back at, say, 7? Is that good for you?

Mommy, how old are you going to be?

How old was I last year?

25? Well, there you go.

Hey, sweetie, want to guess how old I
am? No.

Hey, you guys.

Hey. I have some good news.

Are you moving to another city?

No, I got a promotion.

In another city?

As of now, I'm only five vice president
fees from the top.

Dana, that's great.

Yeah. I wish my boss would give me a
promotion.

I gave you a promotion. Have you noticed
you're not paid for coffee anymore?

I still pay.

Well, it takes time for the paperwork to
go through.

Anyway, my office is throwing me a
little soiree, so if you can save this

Sunday, that would be great.

What?

Oh, that party's for me, and you know
it.

No, Cheryl, I really got a promotion.

Oh, please, you're terrible at what you
do.

Yes, he is. He's right here. Me? Yeah,
it's a Lou Whitaker for you.

Thank you.

Hey, Lou.

How you doing?

Sure.

Chocolate raspberry.

Yeah, no, thanks for calling.

All right, bye -bye.

What was that about?

That's Lou from work. He's the tile guy.

Oh, why did you say chocolate raspberry?

Well, he's thinking about becoming a
male stripper, and he wanted to run some

stage names by me.

Jim, you know, what my guys do in their
off time is none of my business.

Then why'd you make me quit square
dancing?

Because you were square dancing.

Jim, would you please give the girls a
bath for me?

Why, I smell fine.

It's my birthday week. Oh, it's your
birthday week, so I gotta give them a

It's your birthday week. All right,
girls, come on.

But I just want you to know, Cheryl, on
my birthday week, you've got to give me

a bath.

And I'm a very dirty boy.

Thanks, honey.

Thank you.

You're going to tell me what he's doing
for my birthday, and you're going to

tell me right now.

Oh, my God, Kyle's walking. What?

Jim's been getting calls from Lance
Parrish, Jim Rice, Willie Hernandez, and

Lou Whitaker. So?

They're obviously codenamed. Those are
all players from the 1984 American

All -Stars. How would you know that?

There's a 15 -year -old Sports
Illustrated in the bathroom.

What's going on?

Well... What?

Um, all right.

The truth is...

an amateur.

be home till 6 tonight.

Okay. Now check out my surprise act for
the party.

A surprise party!

Oh, I can't believe you're all here!

I'm not gonna cry!

I'm not gonna cry!

Yes, I am!

What do you think?

That's exactly how you reacted when I
got you those salt and pepper shakers.

Are you kidding? I love those.

Really? No. See how good I am?

So what? I'll kill an hour in the
bathroom and it'll be six.

Wow, you look great.

You've got to shave your legs, but...
What's with the get -up?

I just like to get dolled up for my man.

Yeah. Yeah, Jim, you work hard all day.
You deserve it. Cheryl's a very lucky

woman.

Don't I know it.

Welcome home, honey.

Yeah.

Welcome home.

You

told

her about the party, didn't you? No, I
didn't. Yes, you did.

You never kissed me, not even at my
wedding.

She was going to spit on me. I knew I
couldn't trust you. You're weak.

What, are you scared of a little spit?
Oh, if I was scared of spit, I wouldn't

stand this close when you talk. Oh,
really?

You sold me up the river, didn't you?
Get down the river, idiot. Oh, I'm the

idiot. And I told you she'd find out.
She always finds out. No, she found out

because you blew it. You opened your big
yap. You know what? I can never trust

you with anything ever again. Fine.
Except the kids. Because on Sunday

supposed to come over and watch the kids
while Cheryl's working out and I'm

still sleeping. You can do that, but
nothing else.

I'm sorry I never helped you with your
stupid party. Oh, stupid party? Well,

guess what? There isn't going to be a
stupid party anymore. It's over.

watch you chew. Oh, well, one more
night, I don't have to look at you.

Dana, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, no.

What did you do?

What did I do?

This is all your fault. You couldn't
just let it go, huh? You had to know,

You know, no, no, nosy. That's what you
are. You're nosy, nosy. You don't even

need the rest of your face.

I said the stomach with feet.

Oh.

Very funny, Cheryl. Well, I hope you're
happy because now the party's over. It's

blown. It's canceled.

No, no, honey. Honey, I cannot surprise.

Look. Oh, that's awful.

Awful. Hey, honey, where are you going?
Well, you're going to find out anyway. I

may as well tell you. I'm going to the
kitchen.

Honey, honey.

Oh, sweetheart, come here. I feel
terrible.

I want to do something. What can I do?

It's too late.

You can't do anything. Oh, come on. Hey,
you know what? We'll have a party just

for us. I'll do everything. I'll make
you a cake.

I don't know.

What kind of cake do you want? I don't
know.

How about a cake like the one we had at
our wedding?

A wedding cake?

Honey, that's got like six tiers. I'd
have to start baking now.

Well, Cheryl, you really messed up.

Fine. And a moon bounce.

All right, you're going to bounce up and
down in a moon bounce.

No, you are.

Okay, Cheryl, maybe I was wrong about
that surprise face you did.

Do it again.

Okay.

That is really awful.

He met his own wife's birthday party.

You sure he knows the address?

Dana, he had a plumbing emergency.

That's what it's like being married to a
contractor.

You know, it's like being married to a
doctor. Yeah, a doctor who can burp the

alphabet.

How's your husband?

Oh, happy birthday, babe. Oh, the kids
are asleep.

I'm so sorry, Emily.

It's okay. Your dinner's in the oven.
Great.

So what's the deal with warming it up?

Turn on the oven.

Great.

You know what? It's your birthday. I'll
do it.

Here, Cheryl.

It's a veggie shooter plus.

Wow. It's like a gun that shoots
coleslaw.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa. Why do you smell like beer and
cigars?

Why are you wearing bowling shoes?

This thing.

This thing is so tough. Yeah, in the
infomercial, Robert Urich drives a Jeep

over it.

Where did you guys go, Andy?

I have no idea what you're talking
about.

Okay, okay, okay.

We went bowling with the Bears.

What? Yeah, Brian Urlacher was there.
Look, he signed me.

The whole team could have signed that.

I can't believe you blew off my
birthday.

He's got one, too. He's got one, too.

Andy, I was only gone for 30 seconds.

You want to see him dance?

Dana, would you please take the girls up
and give them their bath and put them

to bed?

Oh, that is so cute.

Honey, can you do that again?

We want to.

Here, have it in the tub.

Yay!

So, uh, we can eat in the tub again?

That was the most inconsiderate,
thoughtless, self -centered thing you

done. Oh, video alone cannot convey the
tension in this room.

I want her to see that she really does
do this. Oh.

Cheryl, come on. This thing tonight was
a once -in -a -lifetime chance.

Bullying with the bears.

I mean, it was for charity.

Don't you care about helping those
people?

Which people, Jim?

Those people.

That got that problem.

You know, their insides and stuff. Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about? No.
This was my birthday. It was important

me. Yeah? Yeah. Well. if it wasn't for
your idiot brother not being able to

his yap shut. Hey, hey, hey, hey. He is
not an idiot. No? He's spineless. Well,

ouch.

And how about your sister? Your sister
can't keep a secret.

If she could have kept the secret, you
know, you could be enjoying a surprise

party tonight in Paris.

We're not going to Paris. Well, you'll
never find that out now, will you?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why are you making
this my fault? Why not? I'm the one who

surprised President Roosevelt. Well,
you... I'm the one who had to make my

first... Oh, fine!

Fine! Fine! I will never, ever throw
another party, plan another party,

go to another party again with you, for
you!

Well, thank you! You're welcome! Maybe
I'll actually have a good time on my

birthday! Fine!

Fine! Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Could someone storm out?

Work, people.

Mommy? Can we go with you?

Oh, no, sweetie. This is a grown -up
party for Aunt Dana.

So I want you girls to be really good
and listen to Mrs.

Bishop when she's here, okay?

Okay. We don't like her. She smells like
corn.

Yeah. Well, your daddy only wants to pay
$3 an hour for babysitting.

Good -smelling babysitters cost more.

All right, now all you got to do is go
get your snack, and I'll put in your

video. Okay?

Excellent.

Hey, girl.

Hi, Daddy.

How are you, baby?

Jim, I thought you were getting dressed.
The city's going to be here in ten

minutes. No, I'm not going to go to that
Dina thing.

What? Why not?

It's Sunday.

Elias is on.

You can tape it.

It's not the same. I'd like to enjoy it
with the rest of the country.

Okay, Jim.

Come on.

Don't do this, please. I know, honey,
we're in a little bit of a thing right

now, but we can't cancel.

Dana is family, and we promised we'd go.
No, honey, you promised.

She's your family.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Dana doesn't care what's important to
me. Why should I care what's important

her?

Because it's important to me, and I'm
your wife.

I'm not making a connection.

Fine.

Cancel the sitter and stay home with the
kids.

Well, I love staying home with the kids,
but why cancel the sitter?

Okay. You know, I don't care what you
do. I am going to go out and have fun. I

am going to eat and drink and party and
flirt because I just turned 25 and I am

going to act like it.

Hey, I got wedding cake.

and Mrs. Bishop.

The night belongs to me, baby.

Excuse me.

I'm supposed to meet a big group here
for a party for my sister. Is this

Original Eddie's Steakhouse?

Yes, but it's the other Original
Eddie's.

The original Original Eddie's way over
on the west side.

That's terrific.

Is the kitchen still open?

Yes, it is. All right, give me a scotch.

Dear Cheryl, took your last 20 needed
lottery tickets. Feeling lucky.

Love, Jim.

That's so great.

I don't even have cash to pay for my
drink. I'm in the wrong place.

You know, I have just met...

Everything up. I'm fighting with my
husband. I almost spit on my brother and

sister.

And I ate like half a wedding cake.

This has just been a horrible birthday
weekend.

I hope 26 is better.

Yeah.

You're 25?

Yes, she is.

Surprise!

the beans, the whole thing.

What about your promotion?

Fake. I'm terrible at my job. Isn't it
great?

Cheryl,

you're way too smart.

So, in order to keep you off balance, I
had to constantly annoy you.

You've been planning this since the day
we got married?

What about bowling with the bears?

Oh, that was all part of the plan.

Right, Mr. Urlacher?

The whole ruse was a delicious exercise
in deception.

Now, where's the sick kid I'm supposed
to meet?

Uh, Andy, the sick kid? Yeah, about
that.

Oh, sweetheart, thank you. Oh, baby, I
just love you so much. Oh,

I love you more.

Now, I want you to remember.

I want you to remember.

Next time that you think that I'm, like,
being selfish or dumb or annoying, take

a moment to think, is Jim doing this for
me?

Here, sit down, sit down. I've got
something for you, baby.

Are you guys ready? Let's do it. Hey,
Jim, we're getting paid for this, right?

You're playing in a steakhouse. What
more do you want?

Now, you think that I blew your 25th
birthday and you were going to have no

Well, we all showed up to give you props
for another turn around the sun.

Now, I may be pot -bellied, bald, and a
little grumpy,

but Cheryl, next to you, everybody's
going to look lumpy.

So, hey, it's your birthday.

Time to make a fuss, because we all came
to say thank you.

Because you, Cheryl, are a gift to all
of us.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to
you. Happy

birthday, dear Cheryl.

Give it up. Happy birthday to you. Happy
birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

Dear Sarah, happy birthday.

Sounds like a fart.