Original subtitles

and bagged the bag, filled his tummy full of groceries, and was the happiest

in all of Bagville.

Boy, you didn't see that one coming, huh?

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

Okay, that's it.

Daddy, read us another one.

Oh, come on.

Honey, is dinner ready yet?

It's four o 'clock, Jim.

All right, I'll read you another one.

But I get to pick a story.

Okay, Daddy.

All right, this one's called Baggy and the Sports Page.

Look, the Chicago Blackhawks beat the Calgary Flames once again in overtime.

Where's Baggy? He's coming, he's coming.

Oh, quarterback Trent Green is still questionable for Sunday's game against

Titans.

Said Baggy.

Oh, honey, we're out of milk.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Dana finished it last night.

Dana?

What am I supposed to use in my coffee?

Wow. I bet this would be great without coffee.

Mother Sparrow feeding her babies.

Good morning, everybody.

Hi. You ready for your blind date tonight?

Oh, I canceled.

What? You were so excited about it. No, he's a loser. You say that about every

guy you go out with. No, no, no. This time, it's not me. Listen.

Oh,

God. It gets better.

leave a message for my mother, uh, press two.

I can't believe what my life is coming to.

Oh, Dana, you know, I know it's frustrating, but you have to stay open

when you leave to expect it, Mr. Wright will come along.

That's what happened for me.

Hey, that's my bacon, hey!

I'll bring home some bacon tonight.

Oh.

You do know you don't live here, right?

Dana, would you please help me get the girls ready for school?

Oh, sure.

And would you mind picking your toothbrush out of my bathroom?

You didn't use it, did you?

Not on my teeth.

Funny. What? It must be nice to Dana. She's having a rough time. She hasn't

any guys she likes in months.

Because she's always in my kitchen eating my food.

The only guy she's going to meet here is Captain Crunch.

And, honey, she's here even on the weekends.

The neighbors think I got two wives.

You said them straight, didn't you?

I'll get to it.

Look, honey, soon Daniel will meet somebody, and then we'll never see her.

Well, I hope it's soon, because it would really be great to have a nice, quiet

meal with my immediate family.

Bye, buddy.

Oh, oh.

How many times are you going to tell me to fix this before I just do it?

Jim. It's on my list. Okay.

Hey, Jim, I think something's wrong with the scale in your bathroom. It seems to

be stuck on 300.

Hey, Dana, I heard that there was a truckload of single guys just turned

Expressway. If you hurry up, you might be able to grab them while they're still

stunned.

Why are you in such a bad mood?

Dana was over again moaning and groaning how she can't find a decent guy. You

know, your sister, there's nothing good enough for her. Oh, tell me about it.

The glass isn't half empty. It's the wrong beverage.

Yeah. Hello, boys. Hey, Gabrielle. What's shaking, baby?

Pretty much everything.

Hey, how about two of those delicious breakfast burritos?

And, Andy, what are you going to have?

Oh, you boys are the highlight of my day. So are you, my darling.

You know, Andy, I can't understand why Dana can't find a decent guy.

I mean, look around. This place is crawling with them. Yeah, it's a meat

She should come down here.

Yeah, that'll require moving her ass off my couch.

What about that guy?

Eh, he doesn't pop for me.

What about that guy there?

Beyond... Hold it.

How about that guy?

Yahtzee!

Find someone? Is it me? Am I ugly?

Oh, no, honey, you're beautiful.

I know!

Hey!

It's on the list.

There is no list, is there?

No!

Dean, just the person we were looking for. We have a surprise for you. Andy?

Say, Jim?

Yeah, Andy?

What's six feet tall, broad -shouldered, and named Nick Devlin, the welder who

we're fixing Dana up with tonight?

Gee, I don't know, Andy.

That's not how we practiced it in the car. We did it a couple of different

No, no, no, I am not doing this. I am not going out with any of your idiot

friends. Dana, look.

If you're looking for a guy, I found a guy.

He should be here any minute.

Oh, I'm so out of here.

Dana, why don't you just give him a chance?

Because, Jim, the last guy you set her up with tried to pay the check with

candy.

Cheryl, she's going to like him.

Andy, isn't she going to like him? I don't know.

Do you like rainbows or sunshine or your destiny?

I'm sorry. I'm not interested. I'm leaving.

Huh?

Cheryl? Oh, my God, Jim. He's gorgeous.

I gotta hand it to you. You've really done it.

But you know what? While I'm thinking about it, this porch light is too

I'm going to listen.

Beer? Sure.

Did you hear that?

What? The sound of Dana not here?

Now all we've got to do is get rid of you.

I hear that.

steaks in the backyard, he needs paprika and some pruning shears. Pruning

shears? Yeah, when he's done cooking, he's going to turn the hedge into a

squirrel for the kids.

A little topiary.

Honey, my steaks, I wanted to cook them tonight for you and the kids.

Who fixed that?

Nick.

Honey, I was going to do it. No, you weren't. I know.

I just thought dinner would be a nice way to thank him.

I gave them to your sister. Isn't that enough?

I just want to have a nice meal with you, me, the children.

I know. Hey, look, we can have steaks again tomorrow night.

Steaks again?

Well, we can have steaks every night. We'll just go out to the steak tree and

pull it off.

Cheryl, you've got to see this. Nick's infusing the steaks with a papaya mango

reduction. What?

Oh, honey, look, I know this isn't what you had planned for tonight, but look,

Dana is so happy, and it's all because of you.

You know, you don't put fruit on steaks.

Look what Nick made.

Honey, you live here.

Bye, Nick.

Bye.

Oh,

my God.

Nick, it's so much fun.

You know, I'll say it again, Jim. You have really done it. Nick, it's a

terrific...

about mining diamonds in Africa?

I heard, Cheryl.

I was sitting there trying to get the taste of fruity meat out of my mouth.

Honey, what's going on with you? Nothing, nothing. Let's just go to bed.

Wait a second.

What?

You're making the first move.

You haven't made the first move since I took you to that gladiator movie.

Gladiator movie.

Gladiator.

Well, honey, I'm sorry. I just thought maybe we could make love.

Cheryl, some guys can have sex when they're upset.

I am one of those guys.

Wait a minute.

Are you in love with Nick?

What? I mean, if you are, honey, if you are, just say so, and I'm out of here.

I'll pack my bag.

It's got bags with the little wheels on it probably, huh?

For God's sake, Jim.

Really, I want you to be happy, okay?

Really, just say the word and I'm out of here.

I mean, you just got to show me how that bag stuff works.

Well,

all right. Just make sure you empty all your drawers, including the one with

those tapes you don't think I know about.

You know about those?

Oh, yeah, honey. While you're at work, my stewardess friends come over and we

watch them while we have pillow fights in our panties.

I knew you did that!

Come on!

I mean, I saw the way you talked to him, laughed with him, sang with him,

camped down races.

There's no racetrack five miles long, okay?

Okay, honey, look.

Crush on Nick.

Crush, huh?

It's a harmless little crush. It's not like I'm going to run away with him.

How can I, honey? We don't have any bags.

No, honey, I'm okay. Okay.

I'm not threatened by this at all. Oh, I know. Okay. Oh, yeah. In fact, I'm

fine. I know.

You know, it's just a harmless little thing. I know.

There you are.

Talking to me?

Is there another wonderful person in this room?

No.

Thank you enough for getting me and Nick together.

I mean, I know I was resistant, but when you're right, you're right.

So, this is just a little thank you.

Wow. Montana steaks.

My favorite frozen mail -order meat.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

Thanks. Oh, don't thank me. It's actually from Nick.

Great.

I'm not going to eat it.

No. That's exactly what he wants.

Probably filled with fruit.

Jim, what's the matter?

I'm just sick of Nick.

Nick in the morning, Nick at noon, Nick at night.

Jim, you have to admit, Nick is a pretty outstanding man.

Do you realize your sister has a crush on him?

Yeah, of course I do.

That doesn't bother you? No, I love it when Cheryl likes stuff I have.

Does it bother you?

Me? Are you kidding?

I'm fine.

I mean, why would she go for a hamburger when she could have Salisbury steak?

Oh, you're serious.

I want to marry Nick. No, I want to marry Nick. No, I do.

Nobody's marrying Nick.

Man,

my wife's got a crush on somebody.

It's me, isn't it?

Russell Crowe. She liked him in that, uh... What was that movie where he

a gladiator?

Gladiator? Why can't anybody remember that title? Gladiator! Gladiator! Jim,

calm down.

You're like my dad after a couple of drinks.

Why? I'm not wearing a dress.

Shut up.

Oh, no. She's got a crush on Dina's boyfriend, Nick.

He's always in the house. He's talking to him all the time. This guy's in your

house? Yeah.

That's bad.

Yeah.

But you're the one that brought him here. I know, and I can't do anything

without looking like a jealous fool.

I'm screwed.

All right, it's Cheryl's brother. I'm neutral. But as a man, I think you've

to play the jealousy card here. I don't know. No, come on. Let her know about

one of your crushes. Yeah, Jim. That way you keep things even.

Nice. Kind of restore the balance, huh? Yeah.

All right, but she's got to be hot.

Like, like Judy Jetson hot.

So who do you have a crush on?

I don't know. Let me think for a minute. Oh, I know.

How about that girl on Channel 9 News?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah. No, no. But the security's going to be tight and she doesn't know

me.

Oh, I know.

Gabrielle from that lunch wagon.

Oh, no, no.

Uh -uh. No.

Gabrielle is my crush, and I ain't sharing.

Yeah, no longer. Two guys can't share the same crush. Right.

Maybe not now, but 500 years ago, we'd have jousted over.

Come on, Andy. 500 years ago, you were wearing curly shoes and a bill on your

hat.

One, two, three, four.

Hey, Sheriff. Hey, remember the plan?

I memorized the plan and ate it.

We didn't write it down. And what'd I eat?

Chill. Hi, honey.

Hey, Kyle.

Hey,

Jim. I'm starving.

Yeah. How about some lunch?

Sure. Where do you want to eat?

Why don't we eat right here?

Or we could eat right over here at the Roach Coach.

Next. Hey, sunshine.

How you doing? Hi, Slim.

Hi, Gabby. I love being a burrito.

What's the catch of the day?

You mean besides your dimples?

Oh, you want me to blush? Because I'm on a blush.

How about two cheeseburgers and a bean burrito?

And what are you guys going to have?

Oh,

I'm the Joker, and I'm wild.

Hey, I'm sorry, Cheryl. I'm sure this probably makes you uncomfortable.

What? Card joke?

Oh, sweetie, that was never funny.

Hey, whoa, calm down.

Hey, you're getting a little out of hand here, don't you think?

What goes on between me and Gabby goes on every day.

I mean, you know, it's harmless.

It's like, you know, like you and Nick.

Really? Yeah, it's nothing.

You know, I don't think it is, Jim.

Huh? You may not realize this, but...

This woman is trying to steal you away from me. Hey, I'm not trying to steal

you. Oh, please.

I'm a woman, too. I see what goes on here.

Cheryl. You want him. Cheryl, come on. Everybody is staring here. I'm the boss.

I can't have two women fighting over me.

I don't want him.

He's just a triburito launcher to me. Hey, you know, I see one for later.

He belongs to me.

Honey, please. You want him?

You're going to have to fight.

I'm bored. I'm bored. Cheryl.

Why don't you come down here and try to steal my man?

Cheryl. Stop lying behind that window because I am crazy with jealousy.

Cheryl. Cheryl, please, please, calm down. Please, honey, it's nothing.

Is that what you wanted, sweetie?

I'm sticking with the wife.

Hey. Hello.

So, uh, what's for dinner?

I don't know. I was thinking maybe... Pin borrito?

She doesn't even sound like that.

Oh, come on, honey. If you were jealous, why didn't you just talk to me?

I tried.

Oh, when? When you were packing up your porn in your imaginary suitcases?

Honey, those are relationship videos.

Honey, it's just a harmless crush. You have them all the time.

Oh. Oh, I do, do I?

Oh, yes, you do, do you?

What about the...

the blonde cashier at the supermarket.

And there's also the news lady on Channel 9.

Oh, oh, and there's a girl at the liquor store who calls you Mr.

Need -A -Penny.

You know about them?

Honey, I'm your wife. I know what you know before you know you know it.

Hey, what about... She moved.

She did.

I liked her.

You see, honey, we are even.

Oh, Cheryl, come on.

We'll never be even.

Look at you.

Look at me.

Beauty and the Beast.

I mean, you know, honey, sometimes I just... I don't know what you see in me.

Oh, honey.

I see a funny, sexy man who loves his family and is a great dad.

Yeah? Oh, Jim, you never have to worry.

Honey, you are the only man for me.

Really? Yeah.

Until Russell Crowe shows up on our doorstep. Then I'm dropping you like a

of potatoes.

He said something about the International Space Station. I don't

Figures. I finally meet the perfect guy, and I've literally driven him off the

face of the Earth.

Dina, you'll find somebody.

No, I won't. I'm going to die alone with you guys.

Come here, Dina. Come here.

You're going to meet a guy out there one day.

You will, but you can't just give up.

You know, that's the crazy thing about life.

is you never know when it's going to happen. But you've got to get out there

jump back out on that horse.

You just want me out of the house.

Oh, yeah.