Original subtitles

Time now for Brand New Young Dracula. Today's episode sees Renfield put

up as an open house to try and sell it. They're going to view it. Look around.

Well, he doesn't need to do that, does he? He should just go on that vampire

property show.

Under the Hammer Horror.

Yeah. Good show.

Very good show. In fact, I think we've got a clip from the next episode. Oh,

nice.

So... As you can see, it's still very elegant, very spacious.

You know, it's kept that old -fashioned feel, whilst also incorporating all the

mod cons, you know?

Yeah, it is very nice.

What's the local town like? Oh, the local town, yeah. It's not too far away,

it's a couple of miles down the road, and there's loads of food, you know?

Right. People, is what I'm trying to get. Oh, yeah!

Because I do, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I must say, I'm very impressed with what you've done with the place.

magnificent. Oh, yeah, well, you must be very keen, but I mean...

I have a little incentive just to help you make up your mind a bit quicker.

actually baked you a little treat. Oh, that's very kind of you.

You didn't have to thank you, Paul.

You didn't have to. It's very sweet.

This is why I like working with you, because good customer service. You

treat your... What is it?

Oh, my speciality, sir.

Garlic bread.

Garlic!

I'm a vampire!

I can't do garlic!

Ah, there's an open balcony!

Why would I think this is an ideal place to live? But the view is excellent, so

I think I'll take it. Oh, great.

Ah! Ah,

another cracking episode there.

Was it?

No, it's gone down, hasn't it? Yeah, no, it wasn't cracked at all.

Not the best thing I've seen. No.

Touch the tape down, eh, shall we?

Time to have some proper vampire action in brand new Young Dracula.

Garlic bread, though. It's not appropriate, is it, really?

Right, Renfield, are you sitting comfortably?

Not really, no.

Now, listen carefully.

This is critical.

So, the Magister Malifacorum and we are currently here.

In my case, on a tiny, tiny footstool.

Now, we have no real idea of what it is or what it's capable of.

Not a clue.

But I've read rumours, fan legends, old country blood tales.

that it could contain all the evil in the

entire universe.

That's a lot of evil. Exactly, exactly.

Now, I'm guessing that should this potential source of evil erupt in the

then the estimated certain and hideous death zone would be...

This is a warper of a dash. As you are aware, Enfield, we have to move.

Unfortunately, some of our previous options, Italy, Haiti, fall inside the

zone. So, how about... Where is it? Where is it?

Oh, there it is.

How about... Australia.

Australia.

Australia. Really?

Yes. The land of year -round sunshine and beach parties?

Yes. Is that what?

It's necessary, Renfield. That's what it is. It's necessary.

What about North Russia? That's outside the danger zone, very isolated, very

cheap. Unfortunately, Renfield, I've made quite a few enemies over the years,

and quite a lot of them were in Russia.

What about Svalbard, then? That's not a time of day.

Definitely not.

The Viking vamps bear me a serious grudge.

It all happened at the Natch Bat Festival 500 years ago when I, uh,

couple of their clan with their own helmet horns. Very messy.

I said you'd be with them Vikings, right? Indeed, indeed.

So, there's nothing for it. I must tell Garside, and as quickly as possible.

And last night's dinner dreads are not a selling feature, Renfield. We have to

clear this place up.

I'll make you a list.

A list?

No, no, no, no, no. Please, not a list. Not one of your lists.

Right, Renfield.

Here's the list of things for you to do for the open house.

Do you clutter the clutter? Yes. High fashion in the air? Yes. Wash the

Yes. Other banisters? Yes. Polish the pots? Yes, yes.

And you need to do it all by five o 'clock this evening.

Five o 'clock? Yes.

That's when breathers finish their day's work.

Apparently.

Breathers? What breathers got to do with this?

Oh, did I mention we're selling to breathers? Yes, yes.

Vamps always negotiate such low ball prices for everything.

Yeah, but breathers... You have no time to lose.

I think we should start with...

Scatter cushions.

Perfect.

Why are you so late?

In precisely two minutes, the sun will be up and I will be toast.

Sorry. And what is that?

Rats for Ratatouille. It's Renfield's signature dish.

If we're going to avenge our father, we need to stay focused.

Yes, yes, I know.

And I am. So what have you got for me?

The Count is selling gar flies.

Is that it?

Well, I thought it might be important.

And a couple of days ago I went through this mirror and... What about the

breathers? Have you found out anything more about them?

No, nothing.

Except that they've gone.

Gone?

I guess we'll have to speed up our plans for revenge.

What do I need to do?

Find out some more useful intel.

And keep out of the way during the open house tour.

The Count will be opening his house to some...

Unexpected, yeah.

There's an ancient ninja saying, everyone.

Tape your world or someone else will.

Bad.

Hey.

Be like a ninja.

Got it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm Papa.

I wish you weren't my mother.

There you go.

Green tree frog team.

It'll help with the shock.

I still can't believe she lied to me.

All parents are rubbish.

They're telling me the Count was my father.

That I was a Dracula.

All of you. What, so you're not a Dracula?

Having their blood has its downsides, you know.

Do you want me to kill you all?

Deal with dynasty?

Well, she can't get to you now.

You made sure of that.

I thought Vlad was so pathetic.

Having a breather for a mother.

Vlad is pretty pathetic.

Yeah, but at least he knows where he comes from.

I don't even know who my father is.

He won't even tell me his name.

Grenfield? The cupboards need clearing.

The fireplace is sweeping. The furniture is waxing. And the whole place needs a

good dusting.

Including you, by the looks of it.

That's finished, that is. Cost an arm and a leg.

That was a messy transaction, come to think about it. You can still smell the

previous owner.

Oh,

talking about us. You need to make some bread.

Sorry, master?

Yes, yes.

Apparently.

Breathers adore the smell of freshly baked bread.

I know, go figure.

One whiff at a half beer and they're... salivating all over their checkbooks.

So, er... So, so... Get baking!

OK.

Can I just check?

Is this before I beat the carpet and scrape the oven or after I check for

and cockroaches, hmm?

Don't try to be funny, Renfield.

There's no time. There's no time. No time for jokes. Got it, got it. Ah, and

here you all are.

What's going on? It's the middle of the day.

This better be important.

It is, it is.

I've decided it's time for a change of theme.

You know, Garthide's run its course, so I'm taking us all to vamp pastures new.

Australia, to be precise.

Australia? Are you insane?

Either that or he's an idiot.

Or both.

It might not seem the obvious choice, I grant you, being one of the sunniest

spots on the entire planet.

But, but, but... Here.

Ta -da!

What is that?

Welcome to the all -new... Dracula, semi -submerged, eco -friendly villa.

Underground and under wraps.

Damp.

And delightful.

We need to talk about this whole plan. We need to scrap this whole plan.

Enough!

Now, I must dress to impress.

Something breather -friendly, perhaps.

You're selling to breathers. Just trying to get the best price.

I want you all, all...

On your best behaviour.

A Renfield?

Renfield!

Bread!

Bread!

You see?

You should be pleased you don't have an idiot's blood running through you.

Why don't I get you a nice bottle of Pinot Norwegian?

What have you got to Ingrid want?

What are you talking about?

Just I've never seen her being so nice to anyone.

Ever.

Ingrid!

How?

How many loaves is...

Maybe one more batch.

Renfield? Uh -huh? I have this friend, and he's got this really great friend,

and the two of them have been through so much together, and they're really

close. Oh, well, that is a lovely story.

Not really, because this great friend hurt my friend's dad really badly, and

my friend feels like he should hurt this great friend back.

Yeah, well, maybe it's his turn, yes?

I don't know.

I'm out of here.

He might even kill him, even though he likes him and doesn't really like the

idea of helping kill this friend who he really likes.

What do you think he should do?

What? Should I, my friend, avenge his dad or save his friend?

Well, look, revenge can be tasty, but maybe your friend could speak to his

friend about how he feels or something.

Maybe.

Rats, tails, I'm out of yeast.

Essence of beast.

Yeast, beast, yeast, beast.

There's only one day of difference.

Close enough.

Oh,

you smell that.

Nice.

Rise,

my beauty, rise.

Coming!

Oh, what lovely smells!

come into our lively home. We welcome you to Historic Garci, a

bijou mansion lovingly maintained with original features, a renovator's dream.

Talking of which, who do we have here?

I'm Lindy McGregor. My husband Colin and I are looking to move the children

somewhere more peaceful. Is the furniture included?

And ball set, yes, yes. With a beach, the beach.

With a very, uh... sporty family.

You know the best way to make money in this place?

Reinvented in a luxury apartment. You, my friend, could make a killing.

Eh?

A market.

All very possible.

And with certainly some...

entrepreneurial viewers here.

And you are?

Waiting for the call to start.

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, follow me. We'll start with the kitchen.

You seem to have quite a fondness for baking, Mr. Count.

I love my food.

Bread or a lie?

Well, if you'll come this way.

It's you, isn't it? Don't make eye contact.

We need to be careful.

My brother sent you, didn't he?

What are you gabbing on about?

Doing the right thing, aren't we?

For my father.

You're very odd.

Shut this workplace.

Oh, did my brother send you? Your brother told us to protect you.

If you carry on drawing attention to yourself like this, we might have to add

you to the victim list.

We mean it.

Now, Scarpa.

Ingrid!

Malik, can I talk to you?

You've been such a great friend to me. Not now.

And, well, you know what it's like to have a father who's powerful and

important. Someone who you look up to and admire.

Well... You see, my dad... Do not talk to me about fathers.

You're on your own in life, my friend.

But, Mally...

Well,

I was defanged by you and your family.

But if you don't care, I don't see why I should.

Hey, I've been looking for you.

Ditto.

Are you okay?

No! No, no, no, I'm not okay. In fact, I'm the opposite of okay.

It's always been nice to me.

It's just so I won't go to the VHC and tell them Vlad's a half -breeder, isn't

it? Isn't it?

I'm not a drac anymore, so I won't be held accountable for your father's

I'd have to stay silent.

Yeah. Well, I don't hear you announcing to the world that you're not a Dracula.

Maybe you have as much to hide as I have. I could destroy you and your

family. And what would you have then?

A shape -shifting mother you can't trust and no idea who you're following. Shut

up! You're a no -one, Malik.

You threw your own mother into the abyss.

And when, if, people find out that you are not a Dracula... Don't blackmail me.

I'm not blackmailing you.

Yes, I've been pretending to be nice, but only so that you could see we make a

good team.

What are you talking about?

We could work together.

Take over the Dracula dynasty.

Partners.

Equal partners. Each with a secret on the other to hold the bond.

You really think I'd believe you?

And here we are.

What?

What are their fangs?

This is my daughter Ingrid. My son Malick.

The fangs.

The fangs.

A costume, yes, yes, that's right, yes.

They're rehearsing for a... dancing competition.

Oh, I love dancing. Oh, really?

Colin and I were Lion, Regis, Jive, King and Queen, 1994.

Oh. Can we see some moves? No. Oh, yes.

Of course you can.

Of course.

You didn't explain about the, uh, the fang.

What, what?

The dance of the Van Gogh.

Ah, ah, yes.

Liliana de Castro.

The delicious Argentinian goddess.

Good floor you with an arpeggio.

You think they're all idiots?

You and I must work together.

I have Dracula blood.

You have no breather, relatives.

Together we have everything.

Why so, believe you?

Because we don't have a talk we're done for.

Deal? Deal.

Oh, uh... Harland!

Harland! That's Harland and what an indie!

Wasn't the ending.

No.

It's just the beginning.

Let's go to my quarters.

I've got planning to do.

I like to call it Gothic Nouveau. This way.

What's in here?

Nothing. Nothing important.

I'd like to see inside.

Well, perhaps we can see it on the way back.

If we remember.

So many more interesting rooms. Please.

Please.

And please, get in there.

And it's growing in the kitchen.

It's the evening.

Dad, we need to talk.

Ah, Vlad, my boy.

Target's in sight.

We need some hard sailing here. This really isn't going very well.

Why is it so dark everywhere? Why is it so dark?

Oh, my dear lady, you should celebrate the gloomy pall of the evening. It's so

much more flattering to the older skin tone.

And, gentlemen, what's unique about this particular property is the bat colony,

located in the west wing, brimming with bats all year round. What?

That's appalling. So that was a live bat in that cupboard? Oh, yes. And, of

course, you know the house comes with the added bonus of dear Renfield here as

sitting tenant. What? No getting rid of the dinky old gratter.

What is that?

It's a beast loaf, made with pure beast essence.

I ran out of yeast, all right.

Well, that's truly ghastly.

No one could invest in this place.

Okay, I'm going home now.

No one is going anywhere.

There's not a room you want to go into, believe me. I'm not going to go in that

room, trust me.

Gotcha.

Now, say goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Let her go. Just take me.

Don't try that big hero stuff with me.

Get good money for the boat for you.

My bad, Ian.

Who are you working for?

None of your business.

Now shut it.

But I don't understand.

You smell like a breather. You've got a pulse.

So that's great.

Creates a breather pulse so real you want to bite me.

In case you want to pretend to be a filthy breather.

Now, let's get down to the business of dusting.

Huh?

Did

you

say, why don't you smoke?

I won't buy a smoker's hat.

It didn't say that in the ad.

Nor did it mention bats.

All life and death situations locked in rooms.

I can't, I can't. It's weakened me to infuse.

What now? What now?

Got it, Dash.

This is it. The ghastly, ghastly end.

Here, like this.

A weakened, tragic figure. Look. tough with the breathers, the normals, the

despicable ordinaries. Be quiet!

So tell me, what is it like to only have minutes to live?

Nice piece you got there.

What is it?

VK -25, latest model.

Full shield safety protection for the operator.

Precision focus.

A high -speed burn.

Nice.

Does it have a V8 speed reload?

Oh, yes.

It's just his.

I don't understand!

What happened?

you working for? Never.

A bounty hunter never reveals.

He never gives in.

Just call me the super ninja spot.

You saved my life.

I'm fine.

We want our money in full.

You've got to be kidding.

You didn't even complete the job.

We had a danger clause in our contract. We could have been dusted in there.

Look, either we get our money or else. Your job is supposed to be dangerous,

wimp. You're the worst bounty hunter I've ever employed.

The boy in the cage.

It didn't affect him.

And babbling. If you have nothing useful to say, it's best you not speak at all.

No.

I need to end the Draculas.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

It's been lovely.

Very informative.

Nice to meet you.

Saved Jenny home.

Well, some excellent hypnotism. Thanks.

They won't remember a thing.

Goodbye.

You know, it's been ghastly keeping Breathe around.

That is the least of our worries.

You just let vampire bounty hunters into the house and then you let them escape.

Alive. Why are they even here?

Somebody must have put a price on all our heads.

Who?

I don't know.

Brilliant. Truly brilliant.

Someone set bounty hunters on us and we've no idea who or when they'll strike

next. With Romanga dead, I thought the threat to our lives would be over.

Wait a minute.

Where? were you when all this was going on.

It seems strange.

The rest of us were nearly dafted by hired contract killers, while you were

nowhere to be seen.

I didn't hear a thing.

I'm all the way over in the east wing, remember?

Fair, fair.

Which reminds me, why is there a biohazard sign outside of Ingrid's old

What, what, what?

I know it's nothing.

It's just a precaution.

We never know what unpleasant...

Smelly, girly product she's left lying around in there.

Hey, Renfield.

Hmm? What?

Oh, yeah. All those sticky old creams and lotions. Oh, terrible.

Oh, yuck. And you know me.

Safety first.

Which is why now, more than ever, we need to move home. Keep ourselves ex

-directory. Uh, I am not... No arguments.

Renfield, put an ad in the Vampire Times.

We need to lower the price and sell to money -grabbing bloodsuckers after all.

But we must be gone.