Original subtitles

Brand new Mind Light there tomorrow. And up next, brand new Young Dracula.

Oh, Christopher Johnston. You never say my way to say it right.

Do you remember when we auditioned to be in Young Dracula?

Oh, yeah, I do, yeah.

Come on, don't be down -eyed. Don't be sad. Don't be wizened, Chris. How can I

not be wizened? How can I not be needy, clinky, clammy? You ruined my chance of

getting a starring role on television that day. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not

I remember it, Cocker. I didn't ruin it. I remember it being completely your

fault. No!

I want proof of said catastrophe.

Well, here it be.

Convenient. This is weird.

All right, Yonk. Hey, all right, mate.

Ready for the audition, then. Yeah, a little bit nervous if I'm honest. Whoa!

What? What now? What? What's going on here?

Hmm?

What? What's this about? What have you just done?

What? I'm auditioning for Bat in Young Dracula. What are you wearing?

I'm dressed as a tennis bat, aren't I?

Tennis racket.

Hmm? What you're wearing. Yeah. It's a tennis racket, mate. Not a bat. Oh, like

a cricket racket. Of course. I should have known. No.

Cricket bat. Hmm?

Tennis racket.

Different things, didn't they? I've never played cricket, Chris.

I wouldn't know. Or tennis, for that matter.

You know what's up?

Neither have I, actually. Both counts.

Counts, very good. It's what I'm playing. Yeah.

Dull, isn't it? Yeah. Shall we go back to the office?

Yeah. You're going first.

Where? Always.

Hello, darling.

That took... I'm caught on the wire, isn't it?

I mean, it was a good dag of an account, and you fluttered off like a proper

trooper at the end.

Right.

Time now for the real thing. It's brand new Young Dracula.

Blech!

Oh!

You...

had a baby with a breather. Well, youthful folly.

I was only 500.

Something. This can't be happening.

How do you think I felt?

Sorry, I don't talk to mongrels.

You're not helping.

Sally, please, just open the door.

Go away.

Oh, I'll call the... I'll call... No, I'll call the...

Don't pest control deal with this.

No one's going to hurt you.

Just let me explain.

I really am your son.

But you're a vampire.

And you... You told me you were Salem Smith.

Whitby Golf Festival, 1995.

Salem Smith.

Oh, come on.

Everyone fibs a bit on a first date.

So, you knew I was having a baby.

And you adopted him without telling me. Well, it was better for everyone this

way.

Vlad's a vampire.

I was better equipped. No, no, no.

I did you a favour.

A favour? Can you give us five minutes, please?

Now.

Right.

I know all this is a shock, and I am so, so sorry I lied, but...

I had to meet you.

For years.

I've dreamt about this.

Wondering how you turned out.

Never in my wildest nightmare. It's not so bad. I mean, look.

We've got the same nose, same funny earlobes.

We're really not that different.

You suck the lifeblood out of humans. Not me.

I can't speak for the others, but I've got a lot of human in me, too.

It's all from you.

I've thought about you every day.

Have they been good to you, your parents?

Well, as power -hungry, bloodthirsty, undead parents go...

Not bad.

I can't believe it's you.

It's okay.

I don't bite.

And that's next year's Christmas card.

Well, well, I expect you want to be off now.

Goodbye. Oh, yes, of course. George is waiting in the car.

My bag. Lovely to see you, but...

Goodbye. No, wait.

Stay for a bit, please. You and George.

It's not going to leave them any longer.

Please, goodbye.

I just want to spend some time together.

That'll happen, I promise.

Really? I'll protect you.

Your lunch will probably be cold by now, but I can get Renfield to cook us up a

special dinner for tonight.

You've got to be kidding me.

It'll give us a chance to talk.

Please.

Well, I suppose a little while wouldn't hurt.

But nobody tells George what you really are.

Of course not.

We don't lack normal.

Just give us some time.

The bad ideas go. This is right up there with midday sunbathing and garlic

-filled pizza crust.

You're responsible for this. The least you could do is back me up.

If you think I'm playing along with this, you must be half human.

One little favor.

Little?

My father's a depraved liar, my brother's a heartbreed, and now I'm

close you up to breathers. Forget it.

Why don't I take Dad up to the attic to show him what you've been up to?

Fine.

Okay. The rules.

No vamping.

No fireballs, no speed travelling, no transformations, and above all, no

For the next few hours, we are all going to act like humans.

Ingrid, could you please put on something a little bit less obvious?

You are going to pay for this.

What does that mean?

The Vampire High Council.

Oh, how they'd love to get their little judgmental hands on this.

If she reports this, I'll be cast out as an abomination and you'll be banished

to a cosmic prison dimension swirling through a sunlit space for eternity.

I checked.

Can we stop her? No, the Council wouldn't believe her without evidence.

wedding is ours.

But Ingrid will know that.

Still, I'll keep an eye on her.

Oh, yes.

And I'll make sure our new guests are quite comfortable.

You're welcome.

No problem.

Whatever.

So no one wants to buy your sculptures?

And this isn't really a hotel?

I'm confused.

You're confused.

Okay.

You know how earlier we were talking about your big brother Adam?

And about how when he turned 18 we were going to try and find him?

Well, turns out that now we don't have to.

Vlad is Adam.

Vlad, my half -brother?

Wow.

He's not a bit like I imagined him.

Me neither.

But he seems really nice, doesn't he?

And he wants to get to know us.

My big brother's got taste.

So what happens now?

Well, he's asked if we want to come and stay for a while.

Then meet his family.

Do you want to?

I thought there were poisonous spiders on the loose.

Yes.

Exactly. And that is why we still have to be very, very careful.

You have to stick by me the whole time.

You game.

Here they are.

Make yourselves at home.

Hey, Vlad.

Mum said you're my half -brother.

Yeah. That's right.

That's really cool.

It's cool for me, too.

Let me introduce you properly. This is my other sister, Ingrid.

Are we sisters, too?

We most certainly are not.

At least not by blood. Blood, did you say?

And this is my father.

Mr.

Kent. Well, charmed, I'm sure.

What, what, what? I've just been playing...

Golf. Golf. Yes, it's very popular.

It's really dark. Can we open the curtains? No.

Vlad's family all have an eye condition.

No bright lights.

But how are we going to see the poisonous spiders?

Oh, she's such a clever child.

Oh, don't worry. I'll sort it out.

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Hey, one big, one big happy family.

Here we are.

Normal drinks served in a normal way.

What could be more normal?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I've got more important things to do.

Right then, who's for a game of blind man's box? Not bad.

George and I really do need somewhere to freshen up. Freshen up?

Good. I've got just the place.

You're fresh in performance, master.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

You've always been a big hit with the ladies.

Yes, I have.

Come on now.

So, what do you think of your new family?

Your dad's really cool.

He could be a rock star.

Sometimes he behaves like one.

They're not much like you, though.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

This is nice.

Nice?

What is this place?

Used to be a school.

Hasn't been used in a while.

A school?

I meant to be on holiday.

There's not even a telly. Yes, well, you watch too much telly anyway.

Let's have a cup of tea.

Good idea.

Oh.

Can't Dad just come and live with us?

Dad likes to have me around, chores and stuff.

Well, do we have to stay here?

Can't we at least go and explore the place? No.

Not until they catch the spiders.

Anyway, this room is fine, George. I don't know what you're fussing about.

I'll get some fresh tea things.

We'll be long.

Mum, this is Pam.

And you're acting really weird.

Well, it's just a bit of a tricky situation, that's all.

But sometimes you have to put other people's needs before your own.

And I do want to make Vlad happy.

So you do like him?

And you're glad we came here?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I am.

Of course, you are still my number one girl.

But when I lost him all those years ago, it broke my

heart.

I always hoped that one day he'd come back into my life.

But I suppose, in a way, I'm very lucky.

loves me.

Well, how could she not?

Right. I must recreate the moment we first met.

Yes, I must.

Renfield!

Renfield!

Master, the very same boots you wore in Whitley in 1995.

Ah, they were playing the song the night Sally swooned into my arms. And you

know what? You haven't aged a century. Oh, that poor girl. All those years

pining for my presence, drifting tearfully through a countless universe.

But tonight...

I shall bring joy back into Sally's life.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I see it all so clearly.

OK,

whatever it is, hand it over.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Dad scrolls the vampire lore.

What do you want with these?

Loopholes. I was looking for a way out. Should the council discover your

shameful secret?

How helpful.

And what did you discover?

Well, my Latin's a bit rusty, but there's one thing that's clear.

Dad's done for.

No loopholes. No reason they should find out, providing no one tells them.

Then you'd better stay on the right side of me, hadn't you?

happened to me?

Dad, tell her.

She wants to go out in the courtyard.

Actually, she'd be safe out there.

The sun's still shining.

Half an hour.

No more.

Now that's what brothers are for.

Everything all right?

Not all my sisters think I'm that cool.

I think it is a bit.

Well, she does give off a... She hates us, doesn't she?

You can tell me, Vlad.

I'm a mother. It comes with the territory.

I think she's planning to report us to the Vampire High Council.

And that would be bad?

Yes, but surely she wouldn't betray her own family.

You don't know Ingrid.

I'm causing so much trouble here, aren't I?

It's like I've passed on some terrible disease to you. No, I'm glad I'm half

human.

And I'm pleased I found you and George.

Really? Really.

Okay,

guys, check this out.

Oh, new signal.

Missy. Ingrid, you made me jump. I was just looking for a signal.

High street, cafes, free Wi -Fi. Excuse me.

I've got important work to do.

Wow. Is this yours?

First Piers and now you. Room smells of people.

Who's Piers? Your boyfriend? In his dreams.

Look, I don't have time for this. What games have you got in here?

Now, look. I love games, but my mum puts stupid parental controls on my system.

If I could guess her passwords, I could play on it all day.

And look in her files too, no doubt.

I guess.

Oh, you play Tempura.

It's great, and I want to get the jeweled.

But Dragon's World's still my favourite.

What do you like?

How about a nice glass of lemonade?

Oh, that's so nice of you.

It's impossible, Master Vlad.

The Count and Miss Ingrid want vampire dishes, Miss Sally wants regular, you

want vegetarian, and then there's a short one.

Ah, now perhaps Miss Sally would like to try a piece of a boudin.

Oh, that sounds great.

What is it?

Eric pudding.

I'll be fine with a sandwich, really.

You see?

It'll be fine, Renfield.

I'll give you a hand.

Right.

Ah,

Sally, my dear.

As bewitching as ever.

Have we slipped into a time warp?

It's a little early to suggest a teensy -weensy creme de menthe.

We have slipped into a time warp. I haven't touched that stuff since I was

They're perhaps a stroll through the West Wing.

What's in the West Wing?

There's a bat colony.

Of course there is.

And a chance to talk.

Talk about what?

Actually, there are a few things I'd like to ask.

But I wouldn't want to get a bat in my hair. No, no, no, fear not.

I should protect these delicious tumbling locks from any entanglements.

Yours too, of course, of course.

Je vous en prie.

Je vous en prie.

You're not going to try anything, are you? You do realize Sally's not

in you.

A prophet hath no honor in his own country, which is to say, shows what you

know.

Sally? So Giles was your mother's

maiden name.

Fascinating.

That's irrelevant.

Any pets?

She had a little Westie when she was a kid.

Are you still doing that supermarket order? I forgot the spaghetti hoop. What

was the Westie's name?

Zero, I think.

And Zero he remains.

Hey, gorgeous.

Not now.

Don't you want an update on our little project?

Is that Piers?

Have you been talking about it then?

I'm busy.

doing a project together, then he must be your boyfriend.

What's he like?

Like a nerd who's never going to get a girlfriend. Now, where were we?

Zero, mum's dog.

She always wanted to take him to school, but they didn't allow dogs at St.

Teresa's.

I think Teresa's in one of her school of course.

Bingo!

You know, I've got Dragon's World on my phone. I could teach you.

Later. I always beat my mum, but she's better than me at other things.

Like sailing, rock climbing, horse riding.

Your mother lets you do all that?

Of course.

Mum says girls can do anything boys do.

When I'm older, I'm going to live in South America and be an archaeologist.

If I do well in my Latin.

South America?

Mum says you can do anything you set your mind to.

What do you do in your spare time?

The ratatouille's no good. I tell you, without the rat, there's just no

This didn't have to be success.

Yeah, I know that, but the smirk to my risotto's a disaster too.

What if I make a salad? Miss George will never eat that.

Oh, the shame of failure.

Speaking of George, I'd better go find her. It'll be getting dark.

But Master Brad, what about a start?

I'm out of dumb beetles.

I'm done.

The design is all my own.

Traditional Gothic.

The modern twist.

More gothic than twist.

So tell me, how did that get on at school?

Plenty of time for that.

Now this is the games room.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ah.

Remember this?

18 years ago, the scent of wood smoke.

The wind in our hair.

Of a stinking hangover.

Yes. The view from this window is quite spectacular. Please, please.

Please.

So, this is where my boy lives.

It's actually rather beautiful.

Yes, yes.

It really is.

George?

George! And in the summer, we go down the beach.

Have you ever sailed?

No. It's great.

I used to go with my dad before he died.

Did you do stuff like that with your dad?

No.

Are you sure Piers isn't your boyfriend?

That's it.

Oh, I've got it!

Got what?

Delivery slot. Right.

Time's up. What about Dragonfold?

You think I have nothing better to do than play games?

Out. But we were having a good time.

Are you hard of hearing?

Why are you being like this?

I won't tell you again.

I thought we were friends.

Don't irk me, breather.

Oh, I just wish I hadn't missed so much.

But my dear, it's all still here for you to enjoy.

And I am no stranger to the long -held yearnings of your soul.

What's going on here?

I don't know, but I'm having a weird flashback. Oh, Sally, please. The truth

spilled from you just today.

How losing me broke your heart. How you always hoped one day I'd return.

You mean earlier, in the schoolroom? That was a private conversation.

And I was talking about Vlad.

Me?

Well, I suppose it does make more sense when you think about it. Are you

really... thought I'd been in love with Salem Smith for all these years.

Oh, you really are a pompous oaf. Never mind that now. Where's George?

Ingrid.

Pompous? Mwah!

Dad! Get us out of here!

She's a vampire!

Ingrid, you promised!

George!

Don't worry, sweetheart. We're going home.

Right now.

You promised you'd be normal.

This is normal, mongrel boy.

Sally, please, can we just... There's nothing to discuss. Look at her. She's

scared out of her wits.

George, I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't want

to know me. I'm only half vampire. I am nothing like Ingrid. I know, but... It

won't happen again.

No, it won't. Oh, come on, don't go. I'm still your son, aren't I? Of course.

But we are just too different.

You used to think about me every day.

Remember?

We've got the same funny earlobes.

I just wanted tonight to be special.

Both families together, but I guess that was a stupid idea.

All right.

We will stay for dinner, but I want George next to me the whole time.

And as soon as it's over, we are leaving.

Sorry, Vlad.

Shall we wait for...

Mistress Ingrid.

Don't bother, Renfield.

What have we got?

Well, it's been a total nightmare, as you know, Master Blad. But at the

hour, I finally suddenly thought of the perfect dish.

Jelly?

Oh, that's a lot of jelly.

Thank you, Renfield.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry, I'm just not very hungry.

And I don't like it.

Too wobbly.

Look, can we at least try and have a good time?

Who knows when we'll all get to sit down together again.

Smart monies are never.

Ingrid, what is this?

Look at you all.

Breathers, degenerates and cross -breathers. Did you really think I'd

lying down?

I'm on my way to the vampire eye council right now to tell them everything.

They'll never believe you without evidence.

Thanks for the tip, Father.

Your legal scrolls weren't much use, but Sally's files contained a copy of

Vlad's birth certificate, including your name, Salem Smith.

Once the breather child gave me the password, the rest was easy.

George, you didn't. You tricked me.

And now you're going to betray Vlad, too?

You really are a monster.

She's a quick learner, I'll give her that.

Ingrid, please.

But your family, you'll be condemning Dad.

Embarrassment of a cosmic prison dimension swirling in a sunlit space for

eternity. Now, would you please, please stop bringing that up?

You'd really do that?

Just to get a little prestige?

A little?

As the only pure vampire heir in this family, I'll be propelled right to the

head of the Dracula clan.

And I can't wait.

But you'll be banished too?

Excuse me?

Told you I was doing Latin at school.

Piccata omnia, piccata patris familiae. The sins of the father are the sins of

all the family.

The breather child's right.

Ingrid and Vlad are as tainted as myself. If she betrays us, she will be

banished for eternity.

Should have brushed up on your Latin.

I think that's what they call checkmate.

I hope that jelly chokes a lot of you.

Well, well, well.

Girl needs to learn some manners.

It seems we owe you a debt of gratitude, so... Clever girl.

What's wrong with you?

Ingrid can't touch us now.

Sally and George are still leaving tonight.

I think we should stay.

What?

After what happened today?

Ingrid's just a selfish bully.

I'm not scared of her anymore.

Although, she does have remarkably sharp teeth.

It's like you said, Mum.

Sometimes you have to put other people's needs before your own.

And Vlad needs us here.

Yes, but... Now I know I'll be more careful.

And Vlad will look after us.

Whatever it takes.

I won't let anything happen to you, not now.

What?

Yes,

yes, yes.

I suppose it would be nice to converse with someone that remembers real music

and there'd be no more romantic misunderstandings.

Or biting.

All right, you have my personal guarantee.

Just for a few days.

Please, Mum.

If it's really what you want.

Okay.

We'll stay for a few days.