Original subtitles

Step right up! Who wants to play whack -a -mole? Win yourself a stuffed dog!

Daddy, can I play?

Uh, I don't know, Dominic. You have to win to get the prize, and this kid's a

lot older than you.

Can I try?

All right, why not?

Here you go, buddy.

We'll give it a shot.

Just one more player. Need one more player for whack -a -mole. Win yourself

stuffed dog!

I'll play.

All right, players, get your hammers ready.

On your mark, get set. Hold on a second.

What's more important to you, playing the game or winning the dog?

I want the dog. Give me the hammer.

Move, Nathan.

The daddies are playing this one.

On your mark.

Jimmy, honey, I know it's Saturday and everything, but are you going to shower

today?

Why, are we going somewhere?

Look, honey, I know I've never been the pickiest wife in the world, but you're

starting to slip a little. You know, I mean, you hardly ever clip your toenails

anymore.

You jab me all night long. It's like sleeping with a mongoose.

Hey, look, you know something? Maybe I keep my toenails long as a defense

mechanism against your scratchy, unshaven legs.

Yeah, that's right. The mongoose has to fight off the porcupine.

Wow, I guess I'm slipping, too, huh?

Oh, my God, we're going to end up like the couple if you shuffle around the

in their sweatpants like it's a competition to see who could care less.

All right, I'll tell you what. I will shower and clip my nails if you shave

legs every couple of days. Deal?

Nah, screw it.

Hey.

So? Did you guys get in a minivan?

Yep. She's mad because she didn't get to haggle with the salesperson.

What do you mean? You paid sticker?

No, I went on the internet last night. I found out exactly how much it should

cost, and we were in and out of there in an hour. You took all the fun out of

it. Now, where's the thrill?

I love watching some pathetic loser beg me to say yes for six hours until he's

sweating through his polyester blazer.

Sounds like when Jimmy proposed to me.

So where is it? We're picking it up tomorrow.

What'd you do with the old one?

Trading it in.

What do you mean? Dude, you're trading it in? They are ripping you off.

You'd get a much better price if you sell it yourself.

No, I don't sell cars. I'd have to fix every little thing that's wrong with it.

Plus, with the kids, there's food stuck everywhere.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I got crumbs and dried milk in every crevice.

I thought you didn't let the kids eat in your car.

I'm not talking about my car.

It's a Cheerio.

Where the hell did that come from?

those things that are wrong with your car they would be really easy to fix

maybe for you but me and fixing cars we just don't mix you know it's like oil

and a guy that doesn't like to touch oil come on no if besides

if i sell it myself you know i'm gonna have to deal with the jerks calling all

the time i'm gonna have to go on test drives with the idiots i just don't want

to deal with people you ever think you might be happier living in a cave

It's crossed my mind.

Listen, man, I can't sit here and let them rip you off. Let me work on the

I'll sell it for you.

No. No, no, no, listen, man. I really, I like doing this kind of stuff.

Besides, this way you can make some money and you don't have to do anything.

Well, I'll tell you what, Jimmy. If you want to put the time and effort into

doing this, you can keep the extra money. All I want is what they were

give me for the trade.

You're kidding.

No, I mean, you're doing the work. You should get the money.

Oh, thanks, man.

No problem.

What night this week do we have spaghetti?

Thursday night, I believe.

I gotta take a shower.

Hey.

Looks like Jimmy's got a customer for the minivan out there.

Yeah, yeah. They came back from a test drive and they've been talking in the

front seat for half an hour.

Well, either they're closing the deal or Jimmy's trying to get the guy to take

off his bra.

Hey, did you sell the car? Yeah.

Nice work.

What'd you get for it?

Well, actually, I can't believe it, but I got $3 ,000 over the trade -in value.

Wow, you're kidding.

Nope. But I did tell the guy as a bonus he can bring over his family and use the

pool anytime.

But we don't have a pool.

Yeah, I told him we live in a house across the street.

Listen, I had no idea I was going to make this much money. Why don't we split

it? No, Jimmy, you put a lot of effort into this. You deserve it.

I can't believe this.

What are you going to do with all the money?

Gosh, I don't know, man. I mean, usually I'm so far behind that whenever I get

money, people are lying enough to take it back for me, you know?

Visa, the phone company, those home shopping bastards that sell those Civil

chess sets.

I mean, I thought the whole set cost $50, not like 50 per piece.

What would you do with the money?

Me? Yeah.

I really want to do the smart thing with the money.

Well, I'm just surprised because you've never come to me for something like this

before. Well, no, it's just that money is your area of expertise. I want to

what you have to say.

Well, thanks, man.

In college, I took some of the fraternity's money and doubled it with a

smart stock picks.

Really?

One time in my fraternity, I made $300 eating a handful of kitty litter.

Okay, well, great. Hey, hey, listen, so what do you think I should do with the

money?

Well, my advice is to look ahead. You know, look towards the future.

Dominic and Logan are growing up really fast. You don't want to regret not

having done enough for them.

Yeah, you know what? That's smart. And what about your future? I mean, you've

got to make sure you're happy. You know, where do you see yourself in 20 years?

I don't know. Where do you see me in 20 years?

Hopefully just at holidays and other family functions.

Oh. Great, what's wrong?

I was in the bathroom gargling and a daddy long legs landed on my forehead. I

swallowed four ounces of scope.

You okay?

Yeah, well, I had to dry heaves for five minutes, but it smelled delightful.

What's all that stuff?

Well, Jimmy and I were talking about what he should do with the money made,

last night I downloaded some information on mutual funds. If we pick the right

stock, you know, historically it should double every eight or nine years.

I knew I should have married a nerd.

Hey, guys, come on. I want to show you something outside.

Wow, you really did a lot of research for Jimmy. Yeah, it felt good that he'd

come to me for advice. And more importantly, it's nice to see him

responsible about money.

Check it out.

I bought a boat.

Wow.

You bought a boat.

Jimmy, are you sure this is a smart thing to do? Yeah, it's going to be

over the weekend. So you spent the whole $3 ,000 on this thing? Yeah, the guy

gave me a great deal. And I'm not the only one who thinks so, you know. All of

his neighbors were cheering and waving as I drove it off his front lawn.

I don't know about this, Jimmy. I mean, what about the advice that Greg gave

you? Yeah, what about the advice I gave you? What are you guys talking about? I

bought this boat because of Greg's advice.

Christine, how wonderful is it going to be for our family's future with all of

us out on a boat? I mean, once I get this thing running, I'm telling you...

doesn't even run?

Jimmy, this was not my advice. This is totally irresponsible.

Wait a minute. What is irresponsible about creating memories for our kids

are going to last a lifetime?

I wish my dad had bought a boat.

The only family outings I remember were car trips to Richmond and picking my

cousins from detox.

Well, I guess... could be fun. I don't know. I kind of always dreamed of owning

a boat. Yeah, and look, man, there's seats for all four of us, plus room for

kids. Oh, honey, I don't think the kids are old enough to be on a boat, but I

think they should wait a few years before they see their mother drunk and

topless.

I can't believe you didn't listen to me. You totally missed the big picture. No,

man, this is the big picture. We only live for so long.

We don't want to look back on our lives and realize we didn't enjoy it to the

fullest. You'll see, man.

There's nothing like being out on the water, wind in your hair, all the cares

the mainland behind you. What cares, Jimmy? Your life is completely devoid of

any responsibility. There are dandelions who care more about their future.

Guys, come on. Let's just have fun on the boat.

Look, look, it's got a horn.

I'm sure Jimmy will have it working in no time.

You know why you have a problem with this boat, Greg?

Because you don't understand fun. Yeah, you're determined to walk through life

with a stick up your butt.

Unless that turned out to be fun. Then, of course, well, you take it out.

I just think grown men should think about their future. That's all. You know

something? I am sick of you judging me.

I bought a boat. It's my money. I'll do with it what I want.

Yeah? Well, it's my yard.

Move your damn boat. Yeah, fine.

I will.

Christine, put your top back on. We've got to push the boat out in the street.

How's the boat coming along?

Oh, it's almost done.

I thought the only thing left to do was think of a name.

What's up?

Nothing. We're just thinking up names for Jimmy's boat.

How about the NS Jimmy's an idiot?

Greg, when are you going to get over this boat stuff?

Oh, I'm over it. I love it. I love having that eyesore parked in front of

house. You're the one who made him move it out there.

Jimmy's doing everything he can to make this as easy on you as possible.

What the hell is this?

Jimmy Danker.

What? Yeah, he needed to clean it off and had all this weird green stuff

on it.

So we put it in our dishwasher?

See, I told him it was a bad idea, but look at this thing, huh? You could eat

off it.

Good, now our plates are covered in whale crap.

I can't believe Jimmy is so stupid.

When are you going to let this go?

So we didn't take your advice. Big deal.

And maybe Jimmy's values are different from yours.

Well, my values are better. My values got us a nice house, a nice car,

security, and overall a pretty nice life. Well, maybe Jimmy doesn't want

life. No, please. The only reason Jimmy wouldn't want my life is because he'd

have to support Jimmy. He'd be like a snake trying to eat his own tail.

Okay, look.

Buying the boat was a little crazy. It's something we never, ever would have

done. But who's to say we're right?

Maybe we just aren't frivolous enough.

What is that supposed to mean?

All we ever do with our money is put it away.

We never do anything fun with it. That's not true.

At the end of every year, we take all our statements, we lay them out on the

table, and we see how much interest we've earned.

How is that not fun?

Well, yeah, that's a hoot.

But I'm talking about spending our money on something exciting.

You know... No, Greg, it wouldn't kill you to be a little more frivolous.

Oh, I'll be a little more frivolous then.

Look, the sandwich, I think I'll be frivolous with it.

Why don't I just put it on top of my head and dance around a little?

Huh? Oh, this is fun. I'm having a great time. But is my family more secure?

No, who cares? I'm just being frivolous.

Okay. All I'm saying is a lot of people own boats, so there must be something to

them. And I'm going to keep an open mind about it.

Now... Would you make me another sandwich? This one's full of hair.

The boat is done.

Kim, you want to climb aboard for its maiden voyage?

Definitely.

Hey, Greg, look.

I know you don't understand the whole boat thing, but just let me have one

chance to prove to you how great it is. Jimmy. Come on, the babysitter's on the

way. You in?

Fine. Let's see what's so great about a stupid boat.

Greg, you're going to love this, man. I'm going to show you the time of your

life.

Jimmy, the boat looks amazing. You did such a good job fixing it up. It was a

labor of love.

The kids were here with us.

Well, it's the first time taking them out, so I didn't want them to be here in

case something went wrong.

What? What do you mean in case something went wrong? If something could go

wrong, why the hell are we here?

Relax. We've got three life vets, and if you drink fast enough, you can use that

keg as a flotation device.

What are you doing? Just drinking beer.

Hey, Greg, you want to take the wheel for a second? Oh, I knew it. We've been

out here 15 minutes, and you're sick of it already, aren't you? I was just

trying to be nice. Forget it, man.

Oh, my God.

Look. I see a dolphin.

Where?

Over there.

Let me see.

Oh,

cool.

Greg, check it out.

It's a stupid dolphin.

Come on. You love dolphins.

No, I don't. It's ridiculous.

What about that poster on your college dorm room?

That was a gift, okay?

Come on. Look.

Fine. Where is it?

It's not a dolphin. That's a piece of driftwood.

I think it's a dolphin.

Look, Kim, I think I know a dolphin when I see one. I slept underneath one for

four years.

I can prove it. Jimmy, take us over there.

Boy, Greg, you were lucky we were able to find something dry on board for you

wear, huh?

You're like an idiot.

Oh, come on, Greg. You look cool.

Like the little guy in the bottom of the fish tank.

You know, I've only seen you in baggy pants. I had no idea that your legs were

that skinny.

Kind of like from the cat in the bathtub.

Shut up.

Come on, Greg. You'll feel better once you get a good meal inside you. I'm not

going into a restaurant dressed in this wet suit. People are going to stare at

me. Oh, trust me. Nobody wants to stare at that.

I'm not going in.

Fine. Suit yourself.

Change your mind. We'll be inside.

Hey,

this is a private slip.

You've got to move your boat over there.

But this isn't my... I don't even know how to...

How you doing?

We'll be

right

back.

And by and by we'll defy a little bit of gravity.

Afternoon delight.

Cocktail of a midnight night.

That dreamy look in your eye gave me a tropical contact.

Way down in Oklahoma.

What kind of seafood do you guys think this is?

Calamari?

I think it's a sponge.

Like a sea sponge?

No, a kitchen sponge.

Hey, I just took the boat for a ride and it was great.

Wow, you took it out all by yourself?

I know, I was just going to move it, but once I got out there, the wind, the

freedom, it was amazing.

That's awesome, man. Yeah, we got to get the kids out here. We can take them

fishing and water skiing. We can take them over to Catalina Island.

Jimmy, you were right.

The boat is awesome.

I knew you'd come around, man. And remember you said you'd never have fun

boat. Yeah, I know.

I was wrong.

Hey, remember when I said that no one would stare at you in that wetsuit?

I was wrong, too.

Hey,

so do you think it'd be all right if I drive it back? Sure, no problem.

Where'd you park it?

Right here.

I mean right here.

You did tie it off, didn't you?

What's that?

Oh, my God. Is that it out there? Where?

Oh, oh, oh.

Tied it off to the dock. Yes, of course I tied it off.

Somebody must have untied it.

Damn gangbangers.

I'll be in the car.

This is fun, isn't it, buddy?

Look at all these great boats we can play with in here. Here's a motorboat.

Here's a tugboat.

Chugga -chugga -chugga -chugga -chugga -chugga.

And here's a speedboat, just like the one we used to have.

Come on, buddy, I'm really trying here.

Stop it. It's just not the same.

I'm sorry.

I just felt bad.

I was trying to help out.

Greg? Yeah?

Try the motorboat again?

Now you're talking.