Original subtitles

I guess I'll have to figure something out.

All right, thanks, Mom.

What?

No, I don't know how to get you on the prices right.

Yeah, I know I live in Los Angeles, but... Hey, Mom, there's no need to use

kind of language.

Bye.

Damn. What's up?

My mom's moving into an apartment.

She's having trouble keeping up with the house, you know.

Mowing the lawn, shoveling the walk. Yeah, it's kind of sad seeing our

getting older and not being able to do the things they used to.

Oh, she never did any of that stuff.

The guy who lives next door to her did it for her, but... Apparently, his wife

walked in on my mother paying him.

Well, good. So that new hip's paying for itself.

Has she found a place yet? Yeah, but you can't take Happy with her. Oh, no.

Happy, does your mom own a clown?

Happy's my dog.

I love Happy. He's the friendliest dog.

Yeah, he is. Every time I went over to Jimmy's after a date, I was pushing the

dog off one leg and Jimmy off the other.

We used to fight over her. I swear, if that dog could buy beer, Christine might

have had three puppies by now.

When we moved out here, we had to give the dog to Jimmy's mom, you know,

we didn't know where we'd end up. Yeah, who knew you'd be nice enough to let it

stay here in your lovely home in a nice big yard right down the street from a

dog park. No. What?

He can't stay here. I'm allergic to dogs. Oh, yeah. Damn.

Well, let's go grab my phone book. Maybe one of our friends back east can take

him. Okay, but he's gotten so old, it just seems unfair to just stuff him in a

place with a bunch of strangers.

Hey, maybe we could give him to your grandpa.

Nah, we put him in that home. Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't it be fun to have a dog around?

Sure.

But I'm allergic.

I know.

But when we went to my aunt's house last summer, you didn't seem to be that

bothered by her dog.

Well, you know, I was on that allergy medicine, and I don't like to complain.

Because, you know, people grow out of allergy.

Maybe you're not allergic anymore, then happy could live here.

Look, Kim, the truth is I exaggerated a little. I'm not allergic to dogs.

What? I lied. I just don't like dogs.

Why would you lie?

Because if you tell someone you don't like dogs, they judge you. You become

dog -hating monster.

Besides, the allergy medicine gave me a nice little buzz.

One time, I talked to your aunt for an hour and a half about brass rubbings. I

swear, Kim, if I wasn't on Benadryl, I think I'd have punched her right in the

mouth.

I don't believe this. What kind of person hates...

Me? And you love me, so maybe the better question is, what kind of person loves

a man who hates dogs, huh? Because that's you.

Come on, Greg. It's a great dog who needs a home.

And Sammy loves to play with dogs. Well, yeah, Sammy loves zebras and monkeys,

too. Why don't we get a bunch of them to run around the house?

Greg. Kim, I'm sorry. I don't like dogs. I'm putting my foot down.

Your what?

Come on, Kim. You don't see me going out bringing home these crazy things

without your permission.

I mean, we have a rule. If we don't agree on something, we don't get it.

Well, that's a pretty big rule.

Did you hurt yourself the way I just pulled it out of your ass?

Greg, that poor dog needs a home, and we're giving him one. Well, fine.

Then I'm going to get something that you don't like. How do you like that? Like

what?

A go -kart.

Please, you're not going to get a go -kart. Uh -huh, that bothers you,

it? I couldn't care less. I just think you're going to look stupid.

Oh, you're going to care because it's dangerous. And when I'm riding up and

the street in my new go -kart, you're going to hit the roof so you can give up

on this whole dog thing now.

Guy, you don't have to call anyone.

Happy can live here.

All righty, here we go. Oh, my God, that's great.

Well, I thought Greg was allergic.

No, I just hate dogs.

What kind of man hates dogs?

Don't judge me.

on to buy a go -kart what kind of man buys a go -kart i can't believe

this happy's coming to live with us and greg's buying a go -kart you

know you visualize this stuff when you go to bed at night but you never think

it'll actually happen

Sure, but you know, it's not all fun and games.

You know, you got to feed them, you got to walk them, you got to take care of

them. Growing up with a dog taught me a lot about responsibility.

Hey, Jimmy, aren't you going to be late for work?

Called in sick.

My doggy's coming today.

That must be him.

And the winner of the Geek 500 is... I can't believe you actually bought that.

Well, believe it, baby, because I got a need for speed.

Ow! This damn helmet pinched my ear.

Guys, get in here!

There he is!

Hey, buddy.

He must be adjusting to the trip.

Wow, he looks older.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm sure we look a lot older to him. Well, we all don't

have that crazy glazed -over look in our eye.

Look, he's probably just a little cranky from being cooped up so long. He'll be

fine. Come on, Happy, huh?

You want to stretch our legs a little? You want to play some fetch, huh?

He got it.

See what that dog did to my golf bag?

No, he did the same thing to my purse.

But don't worry, from now on he's going to stay in the backyard.

Great, he's barking again.

Hope he saves a little something for his four in the morning show.

Is he tearing up another bush?

No, he's chasing a squirrel.

Stupid.

Does he really think he's ever going to catch a... Oh, no, he got him! He got

him! He got him! Oh, no!

Do

you want

rice or potatoes with your chicken?

Kim, we have to do something about this. We have a problem out there. Well, what

exactly do you want me to do?

I want you to admit it was a mistake.

Okay, the dog is horrible.

You were right.

tearing up our yard.

Sammy's scared to death of him. And yesterday, it spit at me.

I didn't even know dogs could spit.

Well, fine. Then we need to get rid of it. We can't get rid of it. We told

he could have it. No, you told Jimmy he could have it. Well, I'm not going to

tell him to get rid of it. It wouldn't be fair.

We'll just deal with it. You know, I expect Jimmy and Christine to act as

irresponsible, but the fact that you're putting up with this...

I swear, I'm starting to think that I'm the only real adult in this house.

Where are you going? To ride my go -kart.

You also need to order a pizza.

Yeah, sorry, but a dingo was about to eat my baby.

Have you said anything to Jimmy?

What am I supposed to say? He loves Happy. They grew up together.

noticed that happy's changed a little so he's changed a little christine what

are you saying you want me to just get rid of him we've been together a long

time what are you saying if one day you change i'm just supposed to get rid of

you if i kill a squirrel with my teeth and chase my son up on a picnic table

then yes do what you got to do well you know what that's the problem with people

nowadays if something doesn't work out perfect from the first minute they just

want to get rid of everything and throw it away you know what i'm not giving up

on happy

I'm going to go out there.

I'm going to spend a little time and a little attention.

Before you know it, he's going to be the same loving dog he used to be.

Cover me.

He's all right.

I can't believe they let us just sit here for an hour without telling us

anything.

I told him he shouldn't have gotten that go -kart.

I'm sure they'll come talk to us as soon as they know something.

Hey, look, they have Mr. Pibb.

Could you show a little respect for the dog?

Respect? It tried to kill me, Kim.

If it wasn't for that truck, I'd be pulling dog teeth out of my neck.

Hopefully, we're finally rid of him.

Frank, that's awful.

Please. You're thinking the same thing. Of course I am, but I'm not saying it

out loud.

Now get over there and look sad.

I'm sure he's going to be fine.

He's not fine. Did you see him?

This is all my fault.

Oh, Jimmy, it's not your fault.

Who knew he could chew through a fence?

Well, I know a squirrel who wouldn't be surprised.

Trust me, this is my fault. I did this. What?

I knew we had to do something. I just didn't know what.

And I actually thought about putting him to sleep. I just, I couldn't do it, you

know.

And then I started wishing that the whole thing would just solve itself.

well, hey, here we are.

Now this is my fault. I wish for this to happen.

Jimmy, look at our lives. Have any of your other wishes come true?

You slept with me on our first date.

Christine, I turned on my own dog.

Who does that?

Oh, Jimmy, it doesn't make you a bad person to understand that things change.

I loved Happy, too. So did Christine.

But Happy just isn't happy anymore.

So I'm not a bad person for feeling a little relieved this might all be over?

No. No.

You know what, then? This is...

for the best. You know, I never would have been able to make this decision

anyway.

I'm afraid it doesn't look good.

Yeah, we had a feeling.

But luckily, you know, he led a full life and sometimes the only thing you

do is say goodbye.

We can still try to save him.

What? We can operate.

It costs about $4 ,000 and there's no guarantee he'll live, but if you like, I

can give it a shot.

Well, that sounds unnatural.

Yeah, I mean, If this were 200 years ago, you wouldn't operate.

Well, no, but he wouldn't have been hit by a truck either.

True, but I'd hate to think we were going to put the dog through such an

operation, especially when there is no guarantee of success.

Yeah, and $4 ,000, insurance isn't going to pay for that. Jimmy, you've got to

think of your kid's college.

I mean, nothing's more important than our children's future.

Besides, if he gets eaten by a dog, they've got no future.

I think we should just, you know, let nature take its course.

Okay, we'll put him to sleep.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not nature.

That's us killing him. I don't want to kill him. I'd like to think the truck

killed him.

Right, right, yes, I understand. Well, we'll give him pain medication and just

let him drift off naturally.

Thanks, we'll wait out here.

Yeah, about how long do you think this is going to take?

Just for parked in a meter.

I'm going to go get some change.

Do you think Mr. Pim's the real guy?

I don't know. Is Dr. Pepper real?

I bet somewhere in the world there's a Dr. Pepper.

How about Captain Crunch?

This is like watching the worst episode of Seinfeld ever.

Terrific news for you. Looks as though Happy's going to pull through.

What? What? What?

What? Well, he's pulling through. Yes, he's quite a fighter.

I can't believe this.

Now, I should warn you, Happy's not going to be the same dog he was before.

Really? Oh, well, different could be good.

How is he going to be different, exactly?

He's going to be incontinent. Oh.

And you're going to need to four feet him a pill once an hour, plus give him

drops twice a day.

Oh, and he's probably not going to be quite as friendly as he was before.

Actions like this tend to make dogs a little, well, testy.

He's going to be meaner than he was before?

Yes, most likely. Still, the important thing is, he'll be alive, eh?

Congratulations.

All right, thanks.

Can your brother take the dog? No. And get this. My mother's not moving into an

apartment. She lied to get rid of the dog.

That crazy woman thinks I'm getting her on the prices, right? She's high.

Well, we found a few places in the phone book we can check out.

You guys told Greg that Happy's staying in the bathroom, right?

Why is the dog in our bathroom?

Because the doctor told us to keep him inside, and since he's incontinent, the

bathroom seemed like a logical place to put him.

Why, did he learn to use the toilet?

Yes. You rest his head on it while he pees on the floor.

Okay.

We each go to different places. Maybe we can find Happy a home by the end of the

day. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I am not spending my whole Saturday doing this.

This is your thing, guys. I was against this from the very beginning.

Fine. Somebody needs to stay here and give Happy his medication anyway.

Nope. I'm not doing that either.

Greg, we need to find a place for him to live. And if you're not going to help

with that, the least you can do is give him his pill every hour. You're going to

be here anyway.

Fine. Hey.

Thank you.

She's finding my home.

Kim, if there's any pee on our bathroom floor, you're wiping it up.

Why should today be different from any other?

Damn it.

Come

on.

Eat the pill.

Take your medicine, dummy.

Ow!

Look what you did, stupid.

Exactly why I don't like you dogs. You try to take care of them and they end up

hurting you.

If you bite me, I swear to God I'm going to bite you back.

Well, there you go.

You know, I'm not such a bad guy.

I haven't always hated dogs.

I used to have a dog, in fact. His name was Poochie.

I got him when I was five.

He'd come home every day from school and we'd play frisbee in the backyard.

No matter where I threw the frisbee, Poochie would catch it.

And then one day I came home and Poochie was gone.

Got hit by a car and, well...

You know what a bitch I can be.

Just, you spend every day, every day taking care of somebody,

and they're too stupid to stay in the yard.

Stupid dog.

Dumb dog.

Well, I got stuff to do.

Maybe I could stay a little longer.

I'll get the travel cage.

Greg! Man, what a relief. I can't believe this place will take him.

Hey. We found a place that will take Happy.

You're kidding.

No, no. It's a great shelter for old and injured animals. They have volunteers

that take care of them and a vet that lives right on the premises. It's

I don't know.

What?

Where is this place?

Valencia. Well, that's like over an hour away. What if we want to go see him?

Why would we want to go see him?

Greg, what are you talking about? Well, we don't know if these people are going

to be able to take care of Happy the way he needs to be taken care of. I mean,

he needs to stay here.

Greg, he needs around -the -clock attention.

You're going to be at work all day, and I'm not going to do this. Oh, fine. I'll

take him with me to work.

Greg, you're being crazy. No! Put that away.

Happy's not going anywhere. What?

He wants to keep the dog.

Greg, I don't know what's going on with you, but he's my dog, okay? This place

we found is really nice. I think it's the best thing for him. Well, then

obviously you don't know what's good for him, so I'm taking him away from you.

What? Yeah, yeah, he's my dog. He's my dog now, all mine.

Nobody's taking my poochie away.

Who? What the hell was that all about?

I don't know, but I've never seen him like this.

Maybe we should let him keep the dog.

Yeah, maybe we should.

Greg. We were just talking about it, and if the dog means that much to you,

we'll figure out a way for us to keep him. Forget it.

What are you doing?

He's dead.

Hi. In tonight's episode, we had a lot of fun with the death of a dog. But we

want you to know that at no time during the filming of our episode was this cute

little doggy in any danger.

Yeah, and he's still alive. Right, Happy?

So we'll see you here next week for another episode of... Oh, my God!

I thought somebody was supposed to be watching the dog!

Hi.

In tonight's episode, we had a lot of fun with the death of a dog.

But we want you to know that at no time during the shooting of our episode was

this cute little doggy in any danger.

And he's still alive, right, Hattie?