Original subtitles

I'll have the Polly Wanna Cheeseburger.

Man, you with the red meat, aren't you worried about your health at all?

The whole reason I wanted to come here, get a little fish in my diet.

I'll have a pound of fried shrimp and a Diet Coke.

Hey dude, is that your friend Billy?

Wow. Hey, Billy!

Jimmy. Hey, what's up, man? Craig, how you guys doing?

Hey, you big Hollywood actor. We saw you on The District.

Yeah, yeah, that was pretty exciting, huh? Yeah, man, that's a hit show.

So how's it going?

Oh, I'm not exactly with that show anymore. They brought my character out.

We thought you were great.

Well, you know how Craig T. Nelson's a star?

Let's just say the T doesn't stand for thanks for the acting tips.

Oh, sorry to hear that, man. Yeah, I made a few mistakes.

I'm not the kind of guy who has regrets.

Damn it, why was I so stupid?

Are you okay?

Yeah, you know me. I'm fine.

So what's going on, man? You dating anybody?

Well, there was somebody, but I think she kind of only liked me because I was

a TV show.

Why do you say that? She told me.

Well, you still got your friends, right?

No, they left too.

I meant us.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, listen, man, if you ever feel like you need some company, you can always

hang out with us. Right, Greg? Sure.

Or just Jimmy.

That'd be great.

You sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, honestly, it was hard at first. But, hey, I'm an actor,

you know. The important thing is you get back on your horse.

Lucky for me, we're in L .A. There's acting jobs everywhere.

Hey, Billy, here's a birthday table three.

Gentlemen, the business calls.

you again, Billy.

So Jimmy tells me you're working at that pirate restaurant?

Well, I was, and the other day I came in with an actual peg leg asking for an

application. How am I going to compete with that?

You know something? You don't want to work there anyway with all those kids

making fun of you behind your back.

The kids were making fun of me?

No.

I'm sure you'll find something else.

I hope so, man. I never had to run a bad luck like this.

I got to get a job.

I mean, I still have some pride.

Are you going to finish that peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Well, thanks for the estimate.

Just so you know, it's just an estimate. It could be more.

Or it could be less.

Yeah, that could happen.

You guys having some work done, huh? Yeah, that's Kim. It's her project.

We're getting our bathrooms redone.

Look at you with your jobs and your money.

Good for you.

Really, good for you.

I don't know, Greg. This looks kind of high.

Hey, Billy, didn't you used to do that kind of work? Yeah. All the guys at the

job site said I was so funny I should move to Los Angeles.

Hey, why don't you take a look at their estimate and make sure they're not

getting ripped off?

Yeah, all right.

Well, this actually isn't a bad price for a bathroom.

As long as every time you sit on the toilet, the Rolling Stones come in and

perform for you.

I thought it was high.

Hey, Billy, why don't you go check out their bathrooms, give them an idea of

what it should really cost? Sure, if you guys want me to. Oh, that'd be great.

Come on. I have to warn you, though, I haven't had a chance to straighten up

upstairs yet today.

Oh, Kim, trust me, my place is worse. I've got birds living in my apartment.

Oh, well, it's nice to have pets. They're not pets. They just keep coming

through some hole I can't find.

Hey, Blake, why don't you hire Billy to do the bathrooms?

It'd really be helping him out, plus it'd make him feel better about himself.

Isn't it enough that I house you and your family?

Now I have to help your friends out? What am I, the United Way? Hey, come on,

man.

He's my best friend since high school. He's helped me out a lot of times when I

had nothing. Besides, it's not charity. He's good at this.

Yeah, yeah, he built a deck around this place we were renting back east.

Why would you put a deck on a place you were renting?

We didn't think it through, okay, college boy?

Look, I feel bad for your friend. If it was picking up leaves outside, it would

be one thing, but we're talking about a major construction job here.

There's no way you're talking me into hiring Billy.

I don't know what this guy's talking about. I could do that job for half the

price.

What's that?

This guy's subcontracting everything out. I mean, he's got a tile guy coming

a plumber. Where I come from, one guy could do all the work. Plus, this job

shouldn't take more than a week.

You're hired. Are you serious?

Yeah, are you?

Yeah, I mean...

Seems to know what he's talking about, and hey, he's a friend of Jimmy.

Oh, my God, this is great. I tell you, I'm going to go price some stuff right

now. Hey, is there a Home Depot around here besides that one on Jefferson?

I think there's one on Sunset. Why?

Well, when I got fired from the show, I was having kind of a rough spell, and I

kind of got kicked out of there for something I did in the patio furniture

section.

What'd you do? I was living there.

The worst thing is, when they threw me out, I had friends over.

Morning, Greg. Morning. Lakers won again. Yeah, Shaq's really... Oh!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm testing out the new toilets.

Have a seat.

That's okay.

Come on, man. You better test this out.

Because once you take your pants off and sit down on something, you can't return

it.

Which is why Christine is stuck with me.

Come on, sit, sit.

Sit. Fine.

Feels fine. Come on, man. It's not like that. You gotta settle in, man. You

gotta lean back.

You know, elbows on your knees, if that's your kind of thing.

Here. Take a sports second.

Hmm. Not bad.

There you go.

Now I know what the waiting room to hell looks like.

We're just taking him for a dry run.

God, I hope so.

Morning.

Hey, Greg. I see you met the twins.

Yeah, Billy, how long are these toilets and all this other stuff going to be in

my kitchen?

Well, I'm getting ready to rip out the old ones, retile the floors at least a

couple of days.

Well, if you're going to rip up the other two bathrooms, what are we

use? I guess I figured you'd just use the one in the guest house. Yeah, come

over. Make yourself at home.

It is my home, but thank you, Jimmy.

Hey, guys.

Hey, honey. Hi, Rosanna.

You remember my brother -in -law, Jimmy? Oh, yeah, sure. How you doing? Hey,

Rosanna. That's my friend, Billy.

Hi. Uh, hi.

So, how was pottery class?

Great. We're going to break in the mugs we made.

Well, enough time on the practice range.

Time to hit the lakes.

Why are there toilets in your kitchen?

Billy's redoing our bathrooms. Yeah, this is just kind of a sideline job for

when I'm not doing what I normally do.

Mention I'm an actor.

What? Mention I'm an actor. It's all I got.

Hey, Rosanna, Billy here's an actor.

Greg, she didn't want to hear about that. Just because I was a regular on a

-time hit TV show, that doesn't make me better than anybody.

So, uh, Rosanna, what do you do for a living?

Oh, uh, I'm a nurse.

Oh, that's great.

Finally meet somebody in L .A. who's doing something important.

I mean, you save lives. You help humanity.

Well, I really just do it because I like seeing old people naked.

So, where are you from?

Maryland. Oh, my God. Have you been to the Maryland Crab House out here? It's

fantastic. Are you kidding? They got crabs out here? Oh, yeah, yeah. They're

great. I'll go if you want to.

Uh, uh, uh, well, yeah. Yes, yes.

Yes. I would love to get crabs with you.

I meant have dinner. I know.

Because the other thing will be discussed. She gets it.

I cannot wait till our bathrooms are done. I just walked in on Jimmy again.

Why don't you knock?

I did, but Jimmy thinks it's funny to wait till I'm all the way in before he

yells, I'm in here.

That is kind of funny.

Hey.

Hey, how'd the date with Rosanna go last night? Give us all the deets. Come on,

come on. Hey, hey, hey. A gentleman doesn't almost get to second base and

But I think she really likes me.

Really? I mean, really, that's great.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to get these bathrooms done by

Friday. I'm hoping to have a pretty busy weekend.

You're kidding.

They'll be done by Friday?

You'd be surprised what a chubby guy can do when a pretty girl smiles at him,

because it's been a while, if you know what I mean.

I'm talking about sexual relations. Thank you.

Hey, Rosanna. Hi.

Ready to hit the mall? Yeah, let me just go find my friends.

Stop.

Stop. All right, be careful in the corner.

I didn't expect to see you here today. Oh, yeah, I'm just going shopping with

Kim.

Hey, I had a really great time last night. Oh, me too.

What do you say we do it again Saturday?

Oh, well, actually, you remember that ex -boyfriend I told you about last night?

Oh, you mean that loser you just broke up with?

Yeah.

Well, he called, and, you know, we started talking, and... Well, this is

awkward.

We decided to give it another try.

Oh, well.

Hey, good for you.

I mean, I hope you understand. I think you're a really sweet guy. Hey, it was

just one dinner.

I'm just glad we got a chance to know each other. Oh, thanks.

Me too.

Okay, all set.

Bye, you guys.

Lift with your knees, Greg. Don't be a hero.

You okay, Billy?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just think I'm going to go for a walk.

Okay, but you'll be right back, right? Remember, you're going to have this

done by Friday.

Greg, you did just see what happened here, right?

What I thought was the beginning of something incredible just collapsed

my eyes. And a woman who I thought could be the one just ripped my heart out and

stomped on it.

All you care about is whether or not your bathrooms are going to be done on

Friday.

So Saturday, then?

Because he hasn't put the stupid pipes back in.

I'm done in the bathroom.

Well, it's about time.

Actually, Greg, I'm next.

No, I believe I'm next.

Gee, this is the first two people arguing to see who goes into the

after Jimmy.

You go ahead.

Ow! Oh, God, this sucks.

When is Billy going to finish the bathroom? All he does is just sit up

cry. I know. The only water running up there is coming out of his head.

fault greg how's it my fault i was ready to hire a professional contractor and

then you had to get all cheap and hire billy at the last minute oh i didn't do

that because i was cheap i i hired billy because he's a friend of jimmy's

jimmy's friend jimmy's fault hey nobody held a gun to your head and billy would

have done a great job if kim didn't have her floozy friends prancing around here

driving all crazy it's kim's fault what okay you guys just relax all right

everyone is to blame here except me

Jimmy, he's your friend. You should talk to him. Look, I know Billy. He'll get

over it. He just needs some time alone.

Well, then fine. I'll talk to him because you know what I need? I need a

bathroom. I need a shower.

For the past two days, I've been sponging off with a baby wipe and I just

brushed my teeth with Sprite.

All I want to do when I wake up in the morning is to lie.

Rosanna, Rosanna.

Hey,

buddy, how's it going?

Hi, Greg.

Look, I know you've been having a hard time lately, but we were just wondering

when you might be getting back to work and, you know, finishing our bathrooms.

Yeah, I'm sorry about all this, man. I wish I could work. I just can't get

Rosanna out of my mind.

All I want to do in the middle of the evening is to hold you tight.

Rosanna, Rosanna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we're all having a hard time

getting her out of our heads.

When I'm depressed, you know what I find helps me forget? What? Work.

Like, for instance, if I'm sad, I just pick up a hammer. Come here. Pick up a

hammer and I start pounding away the pain.

Peel away the pain. Peel away the pain. Peel away the pain.

Greg, I don't... No, no, no. You've got to give it a chance. Did you know what

we're going to do? We're going to pick up this sandpaper, and we're going to

start sanding away the sadness. Sand away the sadness. Just sand away the

sadness.

I don't think it's working. Well, sure it is. You're just not giving it a

chance. Come on!

I just wish I could see her one more time. I mean, when she broke up with me,

was all so sudden, and we weren't alone, and if I could just see her one more

time, maybe I could have some closure.

Do you have your keys?

If I don't go buy more bottled water for Sammy's bath, I'm going to have to

start licking him clean like a cat.

Hold on, hold on.

Billy, if I can get Rosanna to come over and talk to you, do you promise to

finish these bathrooms?

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, my God, yes. Thank you, thank you.

Rosanna!

Take you out of the way!

Greg, she's not going to come over here.

I talked to her yesterday, and after he left all those messages on her machine,

she feels a little awkward.

Yeah, I guess we can't just ask her to come over. No, we can't.

We're going to have to trick her.

Guys, get out of here.

Rosanna's going to be here any second.

Hey, what did you tell her to get her over here?

I told her that we needed her expertise as a nurse, that Sammy was sick and had

some weird spots on his face.

Nice.

Lying about your kid being sick works every time. And you know what? Get him

some crutches and a neck brace. You can do all of Disneyland in like two and a

half hours.

Wow, look at you lying.

I have never seen this devious side of you.

Oh, God. Am I bad for saying that Sammy is sick?

Very bad. In fact, downright naughty.

Well, before you get too turned on, remember I haven't had a decent shower

four days.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for coming. No, no problem. Where's Sammy?

I'll go get him.

It was only one dinner,

and I wish I was thinner.

But it was a start, and you stole my heart.

I don't want to be second banana, but I'd settle for that if I could keep my

Rosanna. Billy, please.

Wait, there's another verse. It's not that great. I mean, your name is kind of

hard to rhyme.

To win your love, I would crawl to Montana.

Or Savannah.

Or Indiana. Billy, please.

Look, this is all very sweet.

But I need to see how it works out with my old boyfriend.

Please try to understand.

I do.

Guess I just wanted to take one last shot.

Here, you could read the rest of the poem later.

Thanks.

There's a coupon for a free car wash in the back of that poem, so if you could

send that back when you... You know what? Keep it.

Kim?

Hi. I wish you would have told me that Billy was still working here.

He just came down. It was really awkward.

Oh. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

Where's Sammy?

Um, you know what? Actually, I think he's doing better. Oh, well, we should

still probably take a look at him.

Okay.

Greg, could you bring Sammy in here?

Rosanna wants to look at the spots on his face.

Um, just a minute.

Does he have a fever?

No. Congestion?

No.

This is ketchup.

Oh, thank God.

I didn't know that Billy was going to be here.

You set me up.

I can't believe you would lie about your child being sick.

At least Billy got to talk to her, so now maybe he'll finish our bathrooms.

Where are you going?

Home.

Yeah, it's been a rough day, huh?

So first thing in the morning? Home to Maryland.

What? No, no, no.

Things haven't exactly gone my way since I moved out here, okay? This town isn't

for me.

Jimmy, aren't you going to say something?

Yeah. Billy, are you sure this is what you want to do? Yeah. Well, then good

luck.

Watch your sleeves. Stick it out for a while. Maybe things will turn around.

You're just saying that because you want your bathrooms done. You don't care

about me.

You know something? You're right. I don't care. Greg. No, I don't care.

you make it impossible for anyone to care about you.

Go out with this woman and expect her to marry you after one date. And when that

doesn't happen, you stop doing the one job that you made a commitment to do.

yes. Yes.

I only care about my bathrooms.

You know why? Because I'm sick of sharing one with my in -laws.

and having to stand outside the bathroom door while someone inside is singing

Who Let the Dogs Out.

It helps me relax, okay?

I can't believe you'd talk to me like that. Well, you left me no choice. I'm

sorry. Come here. Why?

Look at this guy. First straight shooter I've met since I moved out here.

Who else would be willing to tell it like it is? You do care about me.

Thanks, man. Thanks for the tough love.

Does that mean you're going to finish our bathrooms? Right after lunch. No,

Billy, not right after lunch. I want you to march right up those stairs and get

back to work. You can do it, big boy!

Greg, there's a thin line between straight shooter and jerk.

Enjoy your lunch.

Greg, that was great.

I mean, you were so forceful.

It was sexy.

Really?

Come over here and let me push you around a little.

Oh.

Thank God we're home.

Mommy has to take a poop, Sammy.

Oh, I can't leave you on the bed.

Oh, Mommy's been holding it in all day.

He has to make a really big poo -poo.

I'll just have to tighten up a few.

Oh, my God.